BIL- I say this is a problem - DH gets interesting set with me and denies its wrong

[AlwaysTheLastToKnow]

Dh’s Family have huge issues. After ten years of putting up with bullying and lies I stood up to my PIL and told my H I’d leave him if he didn’t support me and the kids and so we went no contact (there’s a big back story as to why I’m wary of his brother but he’s the only family member on my Dh’s side that sees the kids)

BIL- is single(never had a GF, very wealthy and socially a bit awkward. (I have a SN child who can struggle socially) he treats the kids like they are 3, insists on touching them
Constantly (they hate this and always have) I’ve tried gently telling him not to do it and when they say NO he must respect this but he ignores it. I’ve been more firm and told him he will ruin any relationships with them if he continues (he’s good for 30 minutes then back to type)

He comes overly twice a month and the kids will make any excuses they can (seeing friends-sports stuff-being I’ll) dh will not listen

And I’m sick of it.

I don’t think any uncle has free reign to barge into their bedrooms and wrestle them on their beds. I don’t think he should grab them in between the crotch to lift them up. Moreover the kids tell him to stop and visibly don’t want him near.

It’s causing an issue because I’m supporting the children and my dh says “that’s just how he is they’ve got to be polite to him”

Errr- no. This is totally at odds with everything I’ve taught the dc about their space and their bodies and how they should be respected by anyone when they say no.

I’m at the stage now where I’m planning stuff to clash with the visits

Kids are 9,12,15

Bloody hell OP, I'd be furious. I see that you have been trying very hard to stop him, but I think you should now say no, he does not enter the house at all ever, and DH can go and see him elsewhere.

Yes it's DH's house too but you have a valid reason - he touches the kids inappropriately despite being told very clearly not to. For their protection, and to show them that you will keep them safe, you have to put your foot down.

I would also report him to the police so that they know, and then if any of your DC mention it to someone else and school get worried etc (which would be their right to do) it will be on record that you have absolutely not been OK with it.

Re splitting up, that's a separate issue but if it ever does happen, you want this man to be known to the police so he can be prevented from seeing your DC if at all possible. They are old enough that if you're not there, they can phone you if they ever encounter him.

.

Just refuse to let him see them. He's a dirty perve and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your kids. It's YOUR job to protect them OP, regardless of what DH says.

Sooner or later, one of your DC is going to tell a teacher or another trusted adult that Uncle X paws them about and won't stop when told to. (For the DC's sake, I rather hope it's sooner.)

100% this
OP you MUST stop this now. How awful for your DC.

Bloody Hell! Wake up OP!
This CANNOT go on.
Get your kids self defence lessons, tell them to bite the bastard! Get locks for the inside of their doors. Get this nutcase away.
Your job is to protect your children. That's the first rule.

"If the children disclose this to a person like a teacher, SS will be investigating you and your h for putting your kids in harm's way."

^ this

I mean I do get that he might be doing it without pervert type intentions. He might just have no boundaries and there might be nothing sexual behind it. But that makes no difference to the kids. It's the actions which matter and that's the same regardless of the intent behind it.

Tell DH that he can see his paedophilic brother away from your home whenever he wants but you don’t want him around your children. If he doesn’t agree to this you will have to make it official by reporting bil to the police and social services to get a protection order.

When I was abused by a family member he would also do things as you describe, looking back it was probably so that if I told anyone what else he had done/was doing he could say it was my mistake and it was done when he was 'joking about'.

The fact your kids don't want him near is very telling.

He is invading their home which should be their place to feel safe.

It needs to stop, it just does, you need to put your foot down and ban him from your house, your husband can maintain his relationship with him separately. Your children need to feel safe and listened to in their own home.

Is he that hands-on with DH too? If not, i might suggest he does exactly the same to DH that he's doing to the kids.

If he rugby tackles one of the kids when they're lying on their bed, I would tell DH to lie down and he can jump on you next. If he picks up one of the kids by the crotch to throw on the couch, I would tell him to go and touch DH like that.

If he doesn't want to, or DH recoils from it, question why?

Maybe it would help DH realise how inappropriate it is. It might even make BIL question why he feels uncomfortable doing it to his brother.

I would never have my kids in that house whilst he was there. EVER.

Brekkie.Your comment is offensive and disgusting- don’t talk about me like that.All I have done is protect my kids.

OP, I realise you are upset with Brekkie's comment, and also realise you are trying to protect your children and have their best interests at heart.
However, I am a foster carer and would say 90% of all the children I have cared for over the years are not in care because of neglect or abuse from their mother, but because they were being abused (or treated inappropriately) by another family member and their mother was unable to stop it. Despite your best efforts it seems you are unable to stop this inappropriate behaviour also. The only real way is to report it, before the children themselves do. As others have stated if one of your children was to mention it to a teacher etc, it would have devastating consequences for you all. Please do not risk that happening and alert the authorities now. I wish you good luck.

Have your children told your DH that they no longer want his brother touching them? Maybe if they say something he won’t be able to play it as “that’s just him” If he ignores the children saying that to them then you have to do something

Take them out when he comes or make sure the brother is only allowed in the living room or kitchen with you to supervise

The kids avoiding him is very telling. They instinctinctly know something is wrong. Being juvenile is not an excuse. The kidsdon’t Want to be wrestled and bil should respect this.

And I agree with Cranky, from now onwards, he’s a downstairs guest only (guests shouldn’t go upstairs without an invite anyway).

Your husband isn't taking this seriously enough and your BIL isn't taking it seriously at all.

If you can't stop the BIL from coming to the house then I would start going full banshee at him - the SECOND he attempts to touch them I would be telling him that if he lays ONE FINGER on any of them without their explicit consent then you will be reporting him to the police. I would also encourage your children to yell out at him whenever he attempts to touch them, and if they do, then call the police.

I'm assuming though that the situation has never gone beyond the inappropriate touching you are describing - if it HAS, and he has sexually abused them, then fuckit, report him to the police now.

Your DH's lack of understanding in this area is ridiculous - he MUST see that it is completely unacceptable behaviour from his brother, and that the brother should not be within 10 feet of any of the children unless he can keep his hands entirely to himself.

I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting him around, who would!

Dh says he has no partner-no kids

So? Nor do I and I wouldn’t dream of touching my niece & nephew like that.

Showing your husband this thread is a very good idea OP!

This needs to stop. NOW.

Listen to what @mayflower43 said.

I know a family who had a similar ‘favourite uncle’ relative (who the children hated because he was inappropriate with them). One of them said something to a teacher and it lead to a conviction for sexual assault after a court case. The family had to move to a new area as it was reported in the local press. It’s better that you deal with this now before one of your DC disclose what is happening to them at school and questions are asked about why you and DH didn’t prevent it.

I wouldn't let him in the house. Tell him that the children dont like him going in their rooms and touching them. Thats all you need to say. Tell the children to confide in a teacher. Social services will come and talk with the children and yourselves. Then your husband will understand that it is wrong. Protect your children. Stop being weak like your husband.

Wow. Whether it's sexually intended or not it's completely unacceptable - your DH may regret losing his own family but to put his brother ahead of your children is just appalling.

Definitely plan stuff to clash with his visits. But it's so important your DH knows just how unacceptable this is. If he won't consider you and the kids would he like to think about what would happen if your 15 year old reported his uncle to social services? Or your 9 year old's teacher? because it won't be long before it happens. Maybe you should consider doing it yourself, anonymously if necessary.

If he isn't listening and your DH isn't listening then I'd call the police. Then they will bloody listen.

If someone was touching you without consent, even in a non threatening non sexual way would you tell them to back off?
Why let this happen to your children.

Something wrong with the DH if he doesn't get it.

I'd be telling my 'd'H that I will be installing locks on the DC's doors so they can lock themselves in when Uncle Grabby is there and that 'd'H will NOT be getting a key!