Has anyone got all normal children?

[CandyPuff]

I have 2. The first one is so easy going. She's a teenager and she's lovely company. She always has been. Full of life and adventure, enthusiastic, chatty

The second one has mental health issues, is anxious. She is argumentative and stubborn. She doesn't want to do anything and wants everything her own way. She doesn't compromise and screams and shouts ALOT.

I don't know what I did wrong with her? She is so hard to parent and she worries and upsets me

Normal is not an offensive word. Get a frigging grip.

You want to tell my 9 year old she isn’t normal? Get a frigging grip.

Parenting is not about every child having the same. It is about giving each child what they need. Normal is a condition which isn't useful when describing people. Op you need to read this book. It will help you understand how to manage your feelings and how to effectively parent her. Don't be put off by the title, although I do have a screamer!

Depends how many times you’ve had it thrown at your children as an insult or criticism, surfskatefamily.
As mine are adults in their 20s, that’s a fuckton of times.

My first child is not normal if I compare him to his peers. He is very bright but also full of anxiety and is quite negative which is hard work to motivate and keep happy.

My second child is wild. Not normal if compared to my first. Wild if compared to peers but far more normal in terms of being a carefree happy low anxiety 3 year old. Much easier to parent in terms of keeping happy, much harder to parent in terms if keeping alive.

DS2 is a cheerful, uncomplicated child who on balance is easy to parent.(Maybe not at bedtime, but certainly in the normal ranges of a bed adverse child )

DS1 is harder and I have begun the referral progress to investigate for SN. He can be a delight and I'm proud to have him as my child, but he does struggle with his emotions, gets anxious, "tantrums"/ melts down and struggles to pick up basic skills that have been no issue to DS2, table manners/ cutlery, remembering manners. Sometimes he learns by copying his sibling 2 years younger with things like physical skills in the playground.

I've worked with thousands of children of varying ages voluntarily and paid. "Normal" parenting has resulted in normal range, positive outcomes for one of my children and I do suspect strongly that DS1 isn't neurotypical. That's not to criticise DS1 who has many strengths, it's acknowledging the difficulties that he has that aren't typical of his age and other levels of his development.

I think we are much better at acknowledging our children as individuals and how their needs vary compared to previous generations.

Look, I would never tell my DD she is 'not normal'. But for Christ sake, this really ISNT normal. What has happened to her isn't normal. Having out of body experiences isn't normal, not being able to drink out of cups because they are 'dirty' isn't normal. Wanting to be dead at 9 years old ISNT normal

I'm assuming your asking "is all your children normal and not have any autism/adhd/sen ect" that's what I got from your title?

If so then yes all my children are normal. All 5 of them.

So sorry to hear your going through this though, must be terrifying 😢

She has anxiety/PTSD/OCD as a result of bullying in school

It's now recognised that the effects of bullying can be devastating. That's why it should be taken so seriously. I would say this is a fairly normal human response to her situation. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.

My DD is 11 and has also been suicidal, she's self harmed, and been under CAMHS for school related anxiety. I think how she feels is a totally understandable response to her own personal situation.

I have 4 and they are still little. So far there’s no sign of physical, mental or developmental issues. I pray hard that things continue this way for their sake and the family’s sake. I want life to be as easy as possible for them all. But I don’t get to decide. It does amaze me how incredibly different each one is. They all have things they find challenging but nothing that gets in the way of socialising, school, life in general so far. I know so many people with kids that have additional needs or issues that make life so bloody hard. It’s a lottery.

It's comforting reading all your responses, thank you x

Come on we all know what normal means

I think what I am struggling with; is that I had assumed that this would be a temporary thing. That she would recover and we would move on. It's looking increasingly like it's permanent

If no additional needs is what you mean by normal then yes I have only normal DC.

I have 3 grown up DC. Two were 'normal' the other was lovely but hard work and still is.
4 Grandchildren: one normal, three with various problems.
We often say lightheartedly "I wonder what it's like to have all normal children"😊

OP, would you like to edit your title? We do understand why the title might be read as (unintentionally) a bit offensive, but we really want you to get the support you need from this thread.

Constantly wanting 'normal' isn't a real target. It doesn't exist. It's impossible. You need to grieve for what you thought it was going to be and accept what it is. It's really hard parenting a child with additional needs.

I have 3 DC.
DC2 is different. Anxious, angry, meltdowns, wants to be in control. Routines. No friends. Takes up more time than the other two together. Probably is ASD. He ticks almost all the PDA boxes but I don't really know what here to start with a diagnosis and if it would be helpful.
DC1 and DC3 also very different from each other but more within a 'normal distribution' rather than DC2 who seems an outlier.

So difficult as a parent to look objectively if a behaviour pattern is within normal range or there is a SN / ASD etc.

ASD is v under diagnosed in girls so may be worth you exploring for her?

You know, I kind of felt a bit sorry for you at first when everyone jumped on you about the title as I could see what you were trying to ask. But your follow up comments show you just aren't getting it and at time are frankly a little shocking.

Normal is a subjective concept. What's normal for one, isn't normal for another. Adults in the autistic community have to battle very hard against being treated as some kind of mutant abnormality. Describing non-autistic people as normal, means by implication autistic people are abnormal - despite the fact they may be married, have children, hold down phenomenal jobs and be incredible members of society. Yet still "not normal" apparently. Having neurological differences does NOT make you an abnormal person, which is by implication somehow inferior.

I'm really sorry your daughter has issues and clearly you both need some more support and help. However, thinking of her privately as "not normal" because she's got quirks about what she defines as a clean cup really isn't OK. Absolutely reach out for help wherever you can get it and recognise that some of her behaviours are different than what you'd expect. However, you need to make a conscious effort to stop thinking of her as abnormal as that's not helpful to anyone.

I have a son on the spectrum diagnosed at age 4, and a daughter who's not yet diagnosed but is beginning to look as if she's autistic too. My daughter is quirky, different, highly anxious and very hard work at times but I'd absolutely never use the word "abnormal" to describe her.

Ha ha in our house "normal" is something we often discuss - my DC ask me why they're not normal and they also tell me I'm not. We're not – we're all possibly not quite NT, and have ASD traits and there may be an ASD diagnosis coming up for DD, or it might just be anxiety. We all tend towards the anxious and introverted, and are not fitters-in. I'm just glad I at least understand what it's like to experience this so I can relate to my DC and reassure them.

I do know what you meant though.

Your DD sounds very like mine. Advice I have been given suggests that it mostly is triggered by anxiety. She needs a lot of reassurance, organisation, firm boundaries, affection and listening. Of course that is all very hard work but she does seem happier when I can manage it consistently. I know how exhausting it is

You want to tell my 9 year old she isn’t normal? Get a frigging grip

I know nothing about your 9 year old or whether she’s normal or not

Would you tell a child with mental health problems that they're "not normal"? If not, why not?

No. Because mental health issues are not inherently abnormal. Lots of people have them to varying degrees. I have PND but can still function in society and day to day life, which would be my definition of normal.

Ignore the sniping Op
DD1 has OCD, anxiety and other mental health issues
DD2 is fine mentally but has a dicky ticker and is on beta blockers
DS is fine mentally and physically but is an overweight, spotty teenage lump.

Thanks Clara, no thanks I don't want to change the thread title

I feel your pain. You are obviously stressed and tired.
Ds2 is 'normal'.
DS1 has mild asd, dyspraxia, dyslexia and is anxious. It is exhausting and I definitely wish he were 'normal' frequently. What I find especially hard is seeing/ hearing all about my friends kids happiness, achievements etc.
Maybe see your gp to see if there is any support locally you could access.

The diagnostic criteria for asc is still mainly the characteristics of autism in boys. Girls mask better. There is information online about the characteristics in girls.