Did anyone else grow up with very shouty and angry parents/ family? How has it affected you?

[Henree]

I was the youngest of a large family. My siblings were all alot older than me as there's a bit of a gap between me and the next child.

As a result I was always shouted at by parents and siblings alike. Almost always for asking a question or doing something normal eg tripping over . I would get shouted at for falling and hurting myself. I would cry for being told off nastily not for the pain of my bleeding knees.

Apart from other shit stuff in childhood I think this is one of the most shit things that has affected me. Its no wonder I have crippling low self esteem and am socially anxious. Im scared of saying/ doing the wrong thing. Im scared of being assertive in case ppl get angry with me. Im scared of getting people upset with me so i never say no. The list goes on.

Bump!

Yes me OP. Not my DF, but my DM can be difficult and was quite shouty when we were growing up. Not for hurting ourselves, but if we ever challenged her in anyway then she'd explode.

Yes. Having frightening parents led to me developing a disorganised attachment style, which has contributed to relationship problems and long term poor mental health. My body is hypervigilant to potential threats in the environment, and this anxiety gives me symptoms like psychosis, delusions and constant diarrhea, which I'll probably be on ADs for the rest of my life to alleviate. And, no matter what medication I take, I still jump out of my skin daily at completely normal things.

Yep. DM, not Dad. Shouted at a variety of things including hurting myself. It’s difficult, she got better as she got older (hormones better controlled) but still. Dad did nothing really - he was yelled at as much as the rest of us, he just used to stand there and let her get it out of her system. She died several years ago but I still remember things at random. I have low self-esteem, anxiety, depression at times (ironically when I got depressed she was great!). I wonder about getting counselling about it but haven’t so far.

I've suffered depression and anxiety as an adult and I think being shouted at regularly and unpredictably as a child was a factor for me. Sometimes if I spilled something or left my bag in the hall my Dad would explode. Other times the same thing got no response. I was very scared of him and used to hide in the bathroom and lock the door when he was shouting when I was a teenager. My Dad had his own anxiety problems, so I'm not sure he could control himself, and theres a genetic element going on too. It's probably been a mix of things for me. I'm trying very hard not to be calm and positive with my daughter, but it's hard when that's not the sort of upbringing I had.

Yeah. Mum used to scream at us all, all ten time. She had to know exactly where you were and what you were doing, even if you were in the house. She had to know where, and what you were doing.

I used to woken up in the night with her screaming at dad. I would have to call my grandparents to come round and sort them out. Or lock the doors and hide the keys to stop her throwing him out or him leaving.

It destroyed my self esteem. I ended up married to a very controlling man that came along in my late teens and took me out of the situation.

I am now 36, only just working through it and have cut contact with my parents. I am getting divorced and bought my own house. My parents didn't help at all and yet mum still thought she could dictate when she was coming round, came in while I was at work and rearranged rooms etc. I left a controlling marriage and she was picking up where he left off.

Being no contact is bliss and given me the room to work through it

Gosh. These stories are just awful. What I find the hardest is trying to stop myself doing/ saying what was said to me as a child. I sometimes catch myself mid scream at the kids. I fucking hate it. How do you stop the cycle of abuse. I obviously am not blaming anyone for my behaviour as I am ultimately responsible for my actions but I really hate that it's almost ingrained in me.

wotsittoyou I too am also hypervigilant and have a quick startle response. When I meet strangers i have often been told don't be scared. You looks so scared. I try not to show it but it's my default response to everything due to never being able to relax as a child.

Tennesseewhiskey I haven't been no contact with my family however over the years I have just naturally massively reduced my contact as I have found I am alot happier when im not around them too much. It wasn't something intentional, it sort of just happened

My parents were hardly ever shouty. Occasionally my Ddad would get a bit shouty if we didn't wake up/get ready for school when we supposed to. Nobody is perfect. Not everyone has the patience of a Saint. If anything it's taught me the value of punctuality.

My best friend growing up cane from a family like this. She always had anxiety issues. As she got older this spiralled into depression.

Yes, I grew up with it. I now go out of my way to avoid confrontation, and I cringe inside if anyone shouts at me, and I am 53. If my brother talks to me in the tone my dad used yo use, I want to cry and am transported back to being a child again.

I have tried very hard with ds to break that cycle. He tells me (and he is 23) that I've done OK.

I’m in exactly the same boat- lived all of my childhood walking on eggshells constantly.also constantly in fear of what mood my dad would be in when putting key in door.
My mother left us with him when I was 7 which was unusual in early 80s.
She had an affair to escape I think as just couldn’t live with him.
He’s very much a narcissist parent - I love and loathe him all in one.
He can very much still fly off handle and my brother and I turn into his parents trying to pacify/placate him which we now shouldn’t have to do.
He’s had me in tears even as an adult.
Most embarrassingly I can still recall at 4 yrs old spilling make up found, onto carpet.
He actually picked me up by scruff of neck and in fear of the hiding about to come I wet myself

Yeah. Mum used to scream at us all, all ten time. She had to know exactly where you were and what you were doing, even if you were in the house. She had to know where, and what you were doing.

My mum was exactly like this too. She was forever shouting/screaming our names if we were on a different floor. You'd go to her and she didn't actually need you for anything. It was tiring.

I'm in my fifties now and nothing has changed. Yesterday I went round to visit. I left her in the kitchen and went to the living room to sit down. Within two minutes, she was shouting/screaming my name. It's not normal and I find it upsetting. I don't know why she does it.

Henree low contact was worse for me because she could pop up with demands at anytime. I am glad you have found a good balance though.

On the opposite side, I have had to teach myself not to shout. Anyone who has known me from mid twenties to now, thinks I am always calm. I am not, I appear calm and everytime I get to the point where I want to shout, I remove myself for a few minutes to calm myself down.

It actually has worked well in my career, I refuse to show anxiety, anger or really any heightened emotion. Even though on the inside I am very anxious. The only people who know how I really am is my best friend, dp and Mil. Dp and my best friend are brother and sister and I have known my mil for years, though never met dp for a long time after. She is a great mil and knows how to calm me and recognise when i am not doing well. Probably because she saw me as a daughter before i was was with her son.

My best friend is my total rock and I know I spill all my anxious thoughts to her, she understands and totally gets that after that i go back to my calm serene front.

I don't shout at the kids. I walk away, which was hard at first. But it's easier to see the signs as I feel the annoyance building. I don't argue with dp, when we disagree we are vocal. But if I feel him getting angry or I start feeling angry, I walk away. Dp hated it at first, he felt like I was saying he wasn't worth my time. But he now gets that I need space, always come back and then we sort it out.

I will be honest, it's a constant battle to not be my mum.

Llongyfarchiadau I think it's a control thing. It was for my mum, she had to know what everyone was doing, when they were doing it. She never let anyone go out with a full itinerary of where they were going and when. Even my dad. She has also been known to turn up places to check. I am talking about when we were 18 plus and my dad.

Even now, in her early 60s, she will call dad at random times of the day if he isn't working to check if he is at home. If he is the garden and doesn't hear it, (he has poor hearing and doesn't always hear it from outside) she will accuse of going out. Even if he hasn't, as though he doesnt have the right to just go out if he wants.

I moved 15 miles away and she would still call my mobile and demand to know where I was. Its ridiculous.

No contact is so much easier. She still calls, I just ignore it.

The family I grew up in were verbally and physically abusive.
We grew up in a very shouty country with a culture of verbal and physical abuse.
The fun started when I woke up till I went to sleep.
I am a nervous wreck and have a list of symptoms of long term anxiety.
To contrast it, I work very hard at being very calm, both with myself and those around me.
I can't change the past, but I can be different if I chose to. Though I do descend into blind melt downs, they are from fear that sometimes gets the better of me.
i am on medication. I always will be. I am 51 and life is hard some days but other times I find myself enjoying it.
Although, I find it very, very hard to forgive my family for the damage.
Interestingly, I can't watch the debates in the House of Commons, they just remind me of life at home and it makes me feel sick

It has made me very averse to confrontation and I have put up with a lot of shit treatment, just shutting myself off and not challenging it. I have had to work hard on developing assertiveness and avoiding being passive aggressive. To this day, people arguing and shouting, even if I have nothing to do with it, makes me feel a bit queasy and fearful.

Yes. My dad had an explosive temper. He’d yell and threaten us a lot, would hit us. My mum was a hormonal mess and at her wit’s end trying to deal with my dad. They parented using fear.

I avoid confrontation. I hate it. I get panicky and fearful. I will never make my child feel scared. Never.

My sister inherited my dad’s temper. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. She yells at her kids, and lashes out occasionally. I don’t like her. I love her because she’s family but I don’t like her. (And she thinks I’m cowardly and soft.)

You sound so much like me op when I was younger.
My mum was shouting and screaming at me throughout my childhood. Left me with low self esteem and clinical depression through my late teens.
I hated confrontation too and was terrified of upsetting people. It's affected my working life and other relationships. Frightened to assert myself etc.
I'm now 50 and have had councilling for last 2 years and I can now see my mum for what she is and I'm more at peace now.
I don't mean to be dramatic but I feel like it's ruined my life.
I hardly ever shouted at my own children as I was so aware of not doing it and they have grown into happy amazing confident teenagers.

Yes I grew up in an angry household. Dad would hit us and was very loud and threatening. Very charming to the outside world though. Everyone loved him. He was very controlling with money too. He could afford to drive a new car and smoke 40 a day but we rarely had new things or went on holidays. I'm NC now.

It still affects me massively. Dh is very mild mannered but only has to raise his voice a little bit to me or the dcs and I feel tears coming on and have to get away. I get pushed around a lot by other people as I find it hard to say no or voice my opinion. I'm very introverted and wonder how much of that I was actually born with and how much is due to my childhood.

Similar to redtits. My DF was either silent and emotionally absent or shouting and threatening to cane us with a bamboo cane or burn our toys. Even when I did "good" things like get a glowing parents evening commentary, he'd say something like "well you're definitely not one of us" - in a jokey tone but never a simple 'well done". Now of course it's my fault we don't get on as I've always been difficult...
I have anxiety and low self esteem and try not to shout at the DC (but do sometimes, but never threaten with violence).

Occasionally my Ddad would get a bit shouty if we didn't wake up/get ready for school when we supposed to

That’s just normal shouting. I frequently end up shooting when my children are playing on their phones and are about to miss the bus.

I grew up in a shouty house. Reasons to vs shouted at
Not cutting salad correctly
Spilling a drink
Getting upset
Not washing up perfectly
Not laying the table perfectly
Not saying hello in the right tone of voice
Defending yourself or challenging a parent
For being rude (when you’re not)

I rarely shout at my kids, well I do raise my voice when they’ve been asked 25 times to do the same thing but they’re not brought up in a climate of fear. Even as an adult I avoid confrontation and it’s pnly as an adult I realised I had a very verbally abusive childhood

My father

I am hyper vigilante

And I have the innate ability to recognise micro expression warnings explored by Paul Ekman

Only people who grew up in hostile environments have this ability as an instinct apparently.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microexpression

Some of these stories are really upsetting.. When I was a child, I thought I was the only one in the world to have a family like that... My vile stepdad (dad no better) abusing her (usually after an alcohol binge), physically and mentally.. She spend the whole of our childhoods trying to protect us from it. I wish she had taken us and left even if it meant we were homeless. I hate thinking about how much she suffered.. Every weekend after a bender, sometimes all weekend we'd hide in our room with headphones on as loud as possible to try and drown out the screaming.. But I witnessed bloodshed and broken bones. It was awful and that horrendous knot in my stomach has pretty much been there ever since. My stepdad only hurt me once badly. I was about 9 and having an ordinary bicker with my brother over a toy and he blew up, picked me up off the ground by my hair and gave me a bald patch. He terrified me and I feel sick now just thinking about him. So glad my mum got out of that second abusive marriage.... I now can't stand shouting, it really really upsets me particularly if my DC are witness to it or if it is ever (rarely) directed at them.. That would send me into an almost primeval panicked state. It is an awful thing to carry around for the rest of your life.

Talking about my mum of course, sorry deleted that in error..