Did anyone else grow up with very shouty and angry parents/ family? How has it affected you?

[Henree]

I was the youngest of a large family. My siblings were all alot older than me as there's a bit of a gap between me and the next child.

As a result I was always shouted at by parents and siblings alike. Almost always for asking a question or doing something normal eg tripping over . I would get shouted at for falling and hurting myself. I would cry for being told off nastily not for the pain of my bleeding knees.

Apart from other shit stuff in childhood I think this is one of the most shit things that has affected me. Its no wonder I have crippling low self esteem and am socially anxious. Im scared of saying/ doing the wrong thing. Im scared of being assertive in case ppl get angry with me. Im scared of getting people upset with me so i never say no. The list goes on.

Yes, when I replicated that behaviour very early on the relationship when young my DH very quickly put a stop to it! 15 years later we do not shout, do not swear at each other, we discuss our issues (although he has a habit of retreating which can be a pain but I didn't want to try and paint a perfect picture, but I'm happy we have a much more functional relationship than what I grew up with!)

Thecrown3

I’m in exactly the same boat- lived all of my childhood walking on eggshells constantly.also constantly in fear of what mood my dad would be in when putting key in door.

I could have written this line.

This thread makes me feel less guilty about leaving XH, whose behaviour has been described by several PP on this thread. Our DC have been damaged by it.

Some big resonance for me on this thread.

I had shouty parents, and my mum in particular did some heavy duty scorn. My brother uses that same time with me and I can’t bear it, or him when when he does it.

Right now I’m hiding in a bedroom with doors closed to avoid my doh who is shouting at the telly while the rugby is on. His shouting is never ever directed at me and only ever happens when it’s a big sporty thing, and it’s not even angry shouting, but I just cannot bear to b around it.

Like others, it took me a concerted effort to learn how to be exasperated with my children and not shout at them. I got there thanks to wonderful friends who helped me learn other ways.

Alcoholic stepfather, noisy and shouty. I adore peace and quiet. Sudden noises make me jump, I loathe crowds and just hate lots of noise generally. I really hate hearing the roar of a crowd when a sports match is on, I especially hate hearing men shouting. DH wears headphones when he watches football on the tv.

@wotsittoyou can I ask about the diarrhoea - is it linked to anxiety? I don't suffer from anxiety but have anxious spells, or intense periods of worry, and I always get diarrhoea in these tunes.

OP I grew up in a very shouty household. Older siblings very close in age, sibling violence and a highly stressed mother. I asked for a Walkman for Christmas once just so I could listen in my room and drown out the constant screaming. It never ever relented, even if we had people round. Which is why I never asked friends over! And the neighbours complained about us numerous times.

How has it affected me? I'm very sensitive to noise, DH and DD don't have "indoor voices" and it grates on me. I try so hard not to shout at my own, though I think it's sometimes inevitable, and I really try to have lots of laughter in the house. I never remember a single laugh growing up. I'm very distant from my mother, geographically and mentally, and if anything I know exactly how not to parent thanks to her

And YY at the being shouted at for hurting myself. I remember falling down the stairs age 5 and getting an almighty bollocking. My DD is 5 and I couldn't imagine treating her that way. The default response to anything in our house was to scream.

Yeah both my dad and my mum. I find myself starting to do it to dd and I stop. I'm anxious, have no confidence at all and actively hate myself.

GunpowderGelatine, yes, it's a physical manifestation of anxiety. At first, I thought I might have a sensitivity certain foods. It took me quite a while to realise it was anxiety related because I didn't think that was a real 'thing'. ADs have reduced it to about once a week instead of every day/other day.

This thread makes such sad reading. I'm very fortunate not to have had this experience as a child, but I see so much of it in everyday life and it breaks my heart. I know how stressful it is being a parent but I hate it when I see children being screamed at in the supermarket etc. Adults who wouldn't dream of screaming abusively at their partners, employers, employees etc seem to think it ok to do it to children and the experiences described on this thread show just how damaging it is.

Oh god this is how I fear my children see me. I didn’t come from a massively shouty home but there wasn’t much affection and my Dad was particularly critical. He was/is a total stress head, very irritable and gets so wound up by very small things. I hate that I have so much of my Dad’s characteristics and I worry about the effect I know it has on my kids. But it’s like I can’t control it, can anyone suggest any way to help stop the cycle? Both my kids (6 and 4) have low confidence already and I know it’s my fault be it through my parenting or genetics.

I also have very limited memories from my childhood, I’ve often wondered why and if it’s because I’ve blocked out the stress. Is that a thing?

Yes bee I've also experienced PTSD in relation to that eg remembering things years later

My mum was very shouty and volatile when we were younger. I was always quite scared of her, never told her anything that was going on in my life (she wasn’t interested anyway ), kept myself to myself as much as possible. I remember being scared to go home a lot because I knew she would be ready to flip at me for some reason or another.
I’m just very chilled out now as a parent, never raise my voice to the kids, make myself as available to them as possible. We have a lot of fun together.
I’m not emotionally scarred by my upbringing, I just want different for my own dc.

Yes, my mother was like this. As an adult I'm very anxious and can't deal with being 'told off' at work - intellectually I'll agree that yes, I did this thing wrong and my manager needs to tell me so and it's reasonable. But I can't switch off the emotion so I usually get panicky and tearful. It's embarrassing, and it must be very annoying for them.

I remember being at a friend's house in my early twenties and dropping something on the floor by accident - plate or bowl or something. They weren't bothered by the breakage but said I looked absolutely terrified after I'd done it - as a child I'd definitely have been screamed at for that and told how useless I was, what a terrible thing I'd done, how my mother wished she'd never had children, et cetera.

I carried the belief that making ordinary mistakes (and, I'll be honest, ordinary childhood misbehaviour) made me an intrinsically terrible and worthless person for a very long time. Had a very good therapist in my late twenties who helped a bit.

For me, it has been useful in some ways. I'm very calm in dramatic situations, which means I can look after people who are angry or being extremely unpleasant without it affecting me emotionally. And I also have a strong protective urge when I see someone hurt - for example have taken someone to casualty after finding them in the street and have broken up fights between large men.

It doesn't affect my friendships much, apart from being known for being a bit enigmatic. Having a difficult past means you can't really talk to other people about your life.

In relationships, it's disastrous.

I also have an amazing blank face that I can do where I don't have any expression at all. I can hide my emotions completely. It's very useful at job interviews.

I also have an amazing blank face that I can do where I don't have any expression at all.

^ This is me too. I have shouty, unpredictable, borderline alcoholic parents who were occasionally violent growing up (and now).

As an adult I enjoy being around them during the day, but I can't stand being around them once the wine comes out. I'm anxious and live in a bit of a bubble, keeping people at a certain distance.

I cannot handle any confrontation and am an expert placater - I often think my childhood would have made me an expert hostage negotiator or diplomat ;-) It's not a coincidence that my longest relationship was with an angry and unpredictable man. Thankfully, I see the cycle now and hope I can break out of it in the future

Bits of almost all these posts. Shouty, angry, bitter mother and shouty, explosive tempered father. I shut down my anxiety as that was probably a source for more shouting and scorn from my parents, so v calm with angry people but hit the ceiling if unexpected noise or touch. I actually screamed when someone came up behind me and tickled me. She thought I was crazy!

The inconsistency was a problem. Sometimes my mother was delightful and funny, then she’d turn and become a screaming harridan over something tiny.
Also recognise the unhealthy interest in where I was/what I was doing even as an older teen. She’d also look for me round the house to complain about something (she’d complain to me even if it was someone else’s fault. I used to hide behind the sofa. That’s not normal, is it? But then when I wanted to talk to her about something she’d blank me. Really confusing.

I have difficulty in all types of relationships, second-guessing myself with friends. I used to have social phobia but therapy has really helped with that.

I have a difficult relationship with my husband who has a similarly painful family background so can be distant but also shouty. He’s very bad at negotiating anything and can’t resolve an issue between us without being nasty.

With my children I do get angry but more in an exasperated way. I don’t get cross about breaking things or losing things. I’m hugely more affectionate than either of my parents. I also show an interest in things they care about and encourage them a lot.

I also recognise the memory blanks. I think it’s the mind’s way of coping and getting over the abuse,

Yes my parents were very much in love but dramatically so... screaming and throwing plates and storming off, hysterical sobbing in bed etc etc... they are still together now and still have blazing rows.
My mother was very emotionally unstable and could be fine about something one minute then completely lose her rag over it the next... you couldn't predict it at all. And she would scream and scream.

I have pretty low self esteem and cannot bare conflict at all aw an adult. Been in a couple of abusive relationships (happily married to a lovely man now). Another thing it did to me was cause me to talk very quietly. I cant stand the sound of raised voices... no one can ever hear what I'm saying now because of how quietly I speak!!

Sad to hear all these stories but it’s comforting to know that other people are in the same boat. I know I’m much more affectionate with my own kids than my parents were with me. I just wish I could wipe out the stressy side of me.

Ditto all those things @Crowdo

When my ex told me he'd cheated my face was so blank that he was like :

"I must say you're taking this well"

We were on Skype at the time and I quite like the fact that he was expecting me to be upset and my face said :

I really looked like I couldn't give a shit

So I suppose it comes in handy

My dad has always shouted at me for the slightest thing and still speaks to me as if he hates me. He beat me quite severely too.
The strangest thing is that it has left me with absolutely no sense of personal danger. I was always the person who would walk home alone at 2am (through the centre of Glasgow usually) and think nothing of it. There was literally nothing worse that I could imagine happening than my everyday home life.
I shout much less than average at my own kids, but it's hard sometimes. Once or twice I've had to say "I can't deal with this because my parents would have shouted at me, called me names and then battered me in this situation and that makes it too hard for me right now" and gone and got my husband to deal with it (fortunately he's nearly always around). I don't know if that's fair on my kids, but the situation was getting out of hand and I could see myself following my parents' example if I didn't step away.

My aunties always suspected I had some form of autism.

Seemingly inability to react to negative emotions. Not engaging and what appeared to be sensory over load.

In fact I have just learnt to not show a reaction to negative emotion and can't do with lots of noise or loud noises close to me.

As I have become and adult and spoke to them about what it was like in our house, they now understand it's my coping strategy.

Both my aunties have been devested that they didn't realise how bad it was. They just thought mum was a bit highly strung

Well here’s how it goes tonight....
Had my father and mother, brother and sis in law and kids over.... they were all watching rugby... England lost... my father was swearing and shouting so my dp said jokingly if it’s gonna ruin ur night with us and playing board games go home... father got hump... I won’t bore you with rest but father walked out..... still able to ruin a family evening of mine at 43 yrs of age