Did anyone else grow up with very shouty and angry parents/ family? How has it affected you?

[Henree]

I was the youngest of a large family. My siblings were all alot older than me as there's a bit of a gap between me and the next child.

As a result I was always shouted at by parents and siblings alike. Almost always for asking a question or doing something normal eg tripping over . I would get shouted at for falling and hurting myself. I would cry for being told off nastily not for the pain of my bleeding knees.

Apart from other shit stuff in childhood I think this is one of the most shit things that has affected me. Its no wonder I have crippling low self esteem and am socially anxious. Im scared of saying/ doing the wrong thing. Im scared of being assertive in case ppl get angry with me. Im scared of getting people upset with me so i never say no. The list goes on.

@mrsmozart - thank you.
I’ve avoided the thread today as just couldn’t read it all after my father walking out on family night last night.... like a child throwing a tantrum ... all because he blew his stack at a game and got told to grow up ... life never changes does it

Oh and meant to add because someone had audacity for the first time I’ve ever seen in 43 years of any family member telling him to grow up.... he’s never had that.
Everyone’s been coerced and bullied to put up and shut up over many years.
Now he’s playing victim today

Henree it's a style of parenting which is very heavy on nurturing and empathy (but with strong/clear boundaries) - advised for raising children who have attachment disorders and/or developmental trauma - hence why it is popular with adopted and foster families. Lots of "naming the need/emotion", acknowledging what the child feels, and, mixing my models slightly, looking upstream to figure out what caused the behaviour rather than punishing the behaviour, and giving the child tools and strategies to use in future, or better still, figuring out a solution together.

Spilling a drink

That's made my heart automatically race.

Those of you with siblings, particularly much older ones, do they remember things the same as you do? Or do they minimalize it and blame you for being too sensitive or soft? Just wondering if that's common.

I find it either makes me very passive, or very aggressive and it can really suck because I can't always control which side comes outs depending on the situation!

@enidbutton I was the eldest and my siblings think I'm exaggerating but I think it was directed at me much more. But also think they're in denial as iv been in therapy and can now see what went on.

Angry parents who fought verbally and physically at times - scared the life out of me to wake up in the middle of a fight - which often ended in my bedroom because that's where my mother would sleep. Angry was how my family dealt with problems - all siblings screaming and yelling, yes to being screamed at for knocking over a glass someone left on the floor - yes to being screamed at for someone else knocking over a glass i had left on the floor. I find them all very difficult to deal with, it's their way or the highway, as I've aged I'm less inclined to care, but it's clear when I don't agree, I am ostracised - I am always the scapegoat. Currently the bad guy for not supporting my sibling in their tax fraud endeavours - and that was just me saying I don't agree with what you are doing - do not involve me!
When my parents die, I will go no contact with my siblings - in a really twisted way I am looking forward to that day and I know how that sounds but I have no love for my family (I have guilt - plenty of guilt) - while with them I smile and pretend.
On the flip side - I have a happy openly communicative marriage and I my teens are lovely - we all get on very nicely - everyone has a voice and everyone gets heard.
It's just my heart sinks when I have to deal with my siblings or my parents.

I had a walking on eggshells household as a child. Aggression was valued as it was perceived as strength. Now no contact with father, mother and sister - they storm off if you put boundaries in place. It's a strange place to be, having no family, even though I've created my own with DH. It's both peaceful and lacking something. I miss the theory of having a family of origin around me but I don't miss the family I was born into. 💐 To everyone else.

Aggression was valued as it was perceived as strength That is so true!

LaFreaka. I was told by them that they didn't like me because 'you're too nice'. I'm no Pollyanna but I'm able to compromise with people. They can't compromise - there's a string of broken family and workplace relationships and bullying cases brought against them. My lovely Gran pulled name aside when I was a teen and told me to make sure I got out. Finally did so three years ago and I'm almost 48. Better late than never!

Me aside, I meant

@Lisette1940 I'm too scared of regrets to escape. I really struggle to forgive my parents - I know this is important for me - not them I think I have dealt with it and then it all comes flooding back. I haven't really been in contact with my siblings for years - no cards etc but lots of pretence in public that we are a happy family. And yes lots of workplace bullying from my siblings - a couple were pulled aside and told they had to start behaving or they'd lose their job - the others have got away with it.
I am proud that i have brought my kids up not to behave like this, no physical fights, no nastiness and very few arguments - we have learnt to ask for what we want without aggression.

Yep. My dad was shouty and aggressive. He also micromanaged anything we did and shouted if we didn't do it his way. It's a wonder I've managed to get this far because whenever I went to his house I felt incompetent. It's just like a shroud around him and the house that makes me feel like a stupid child.

My mother was terrifying. Screamed and shouted ,smashed things. Totally unpredictable and we were on eggshells all the time.

I have to say I have always from a very young age had an idea in my head of the kind of family I wanted and I have managed to make that happen with my own family. My dh is kind, tolerant and although I went through a ragey stage with menopause, on the whole our house is calm and loving. I think I have issues around things not being perfect which triggers some deep fear. I have got lots better and much more accepting about that though.

I am sad that I have a very long distance relationship with my parents but life is infinitely better for me without my mum around who is still hugely jidgemental and angry.

My mum was very shouty, I can see myself becoming like her sometimes and it hurts to know it.
Only when they misbehave never just shouting randomly, but I wish I could control myself better.

I'm desperate not to be like my dad but I get anxious and feel out of control and sometimes really shout. I hate myself after. Those of you who have mentioned therapeutic parenting do you have any resources?

My Dad was a foul-tempered, moody son of a bitch. Mum died a few years ago; she was no angel and was definitely capable of pissy moments but was, for the most part, benign, kind and even-tempered. She must have had the patience of Job to put up with the old fool for over fifty years. He used to shout and sulk and be generally aggressive and could go from nice to nasty in the blink of an eye. I often remember my Mum talking about 'keeping him sweet' and saying "he is hard work". Now she's gone I think I he's realising more and more how much he depended on her. He wasn't a helpless hopeless case by any means but he really laid it on if Mum was poorly and he had to take time off work and step up to parenting more than he was used to. He was a good provider - he had to be, having seven children - but he was a lousy father.

Now he's in the twilight years with dementia and various physical ailments, possibly life-threatening. I'm finding it very easy not to care less. Brutal but true.

Only read a couple of pages, but lots resonates.. I also for ages used to refer to my dad as father. He was/is an aggressive, alcoholic control freak who for years was verbally and emotionally abusive to me, DSIS and my mother. Used to hit too, but in the punishment sense so 'just' when we were being naughty.. Never hit my mother so I think that was how he justified things to himself.. that was the line he didn't cross.. Swearing, shouting and throwing things all okay though

A couple of things that particularly stand out in my mind:

• Year 7 I used to ask him for help with my maths homework.. when I didn't understand he used to get angry.. I soon stopped asking for help!!

• Being 'late' when we were going out and by that I mean about two minutes, used to drive him crazy.

• When my sister first started dating as a teenager and she and the boy were upstairs, he used to shout up at her that she was a f*ing slag.

• He used to listen to a radio show on Sat nights when he was drinking and turn the volume progressively up until it was blaring out.. I used to go down and ask him to turn it down so I could sleep but he just laughed in my face and turned it up even louder. I used to wait until he'd passed out about 1am before turning it back down.

To be honest, I think I've blocked a lot out..

My mum was very passive, often used to hide away in the locked toilet when he was shouting. I remember crying at the door and begging her to open it We used to ask her to leave him and she sometimes said she would but obviously never did.

She also used to drink a lot too.. I remember once on NYE when my sister was about 14.. my sister had drunk a lot of vodka and been sick in her room.. my parents were passed out drunk down stairs I remember waking my mum up and being so so cross with her. Whenever my mum had passed out from drinking she always used to say she had fallen asleep because she was so tired!!

As things stand now, I distanced myself a lot from them as I got older.. I moved out properly after uni into a shared house with strangers.. I drank A LOT myself for those few years until I met my now DH and now barely drink. I had zero self esteem growing up but I slowly got more confident as I got older (and even more so when I discovered running). My DH is the complete opposite of my father.. so chilled out but I fear I often shadow my father's behaviour.. I do sometimes find myself getting so angry with him sometimes.. we have two small DC now and I am so aware that I do not want to be like my father!!

My mum is now 70 and has had dementia for about 8 years.. my father was her carer for a while though she is now in a home after neighbours called the police for a domestic disturbance.

I've seen my mum a couple of times since she moved into the home but not seen my dad for nearly a year.

To be honest, I'm not really sure how to proceed now. I feel so sorry for my mum (and apart from not really being strong enough to protect us, she was a very loving and maternal person), but at the same time, rightly or wrongly, part of me also blames her. (And in a way also for the dementia as at least part of it is likely to be caused by alcohol). And my sister I think often minimises what happened so is a bit annoyed with my distance from my parents/not seeing them etc. Despite knowing what my dad is like (and even when my mum was going downhill) used to use them for childcare whilst she worked!

I think part of the mind f* for me is that outwardly my dad was completely the charmer.. even when I told eg my DH and MIL what he was like, they didn't really get it (though now my DH understands). I think my MIL in particular thinks I'm somewhat cold for not seeing my mum more, especially because of her illness. I don't know, maybe I am.

Sorry, that was a complete mind dump!! I haven't had counselling - I think perhaps it would be helpful!

@Enidbutton - My sister is two years younger and definitely minimises things - I'm not really sure why though part of it was because she used my parents for free childcare for three years whilst she was working! Despite the fact my dad, obviously not quite as bad, but was still very impatient with her DC. I remember his tut and 'No!' She justified it to me in saying that it was mainly our mum who looked after them..though at the end, she was in the throes of dementia.

Oh god, I almost forgot! The amount of times we walked out of restaurants before they'd served the food/without paying because the service was too slow/the peas were cold.. I always used to be on tenterhooks before going out to eat because I knew there would inevitably be some scene.

My father is like that in shops too. Both parents walked out of a hospital visit to see me. I was hallucinating after the anesthetic and blearily told them to go. They took umbrage and didn't visit me for the rest of the week. Most people would make allowances but my two couldn't. Weird people.

My mother was horrible to me. She is a classic narcisist. My sister was the golden child most of the time, but that changed after I left home (it must have been horrible for her).
I am terribly anxious, suffer from bouts of depression, avoid conflict at all costs (which in turn makes me unhappy as I always put myself last).
As a young adult, I found myself copying her behaviour, but, with increasing awareness of how wrong the situation had been, I have been able to turn things round.
I have also decided that I can't have children. I simply couldn't put a child through what I went through.

for all of you who grew up in angry households too.

My parents were the volatile/shouty-then-silent treatment/emotionally abusive DM and the head-in-the-sand DF. You never knew which DM you were going to get, but if she hadn't flipped for a while, I remember thinking, 'oh I'm due a big fall-out with Mum soon.'

There are loads and loads of incidents I could recount, but I've recently remembered several about homework. She would fly into a rage if I didn't do what she wanted me to do for a project. I remember a painting project when I was at primary school, I wasn't keen on the idea she had found for me and so she gave me the silent treatment. I can literally remember sitting on the stairs shouting, 'mummy mummy' and she just completely blanked me, stone cold. It carried on in secondary school - I told her that we just had to write a short factfile for Geography and she got into an absolute rage about how I'd get a detention if I didn't do more (just the way she said detention makes me shudder now, which is silly). In the end, I turned up at school with eight pages of A4 and everyone else had done one side, it was mortifying.

Loads more. She wouldn't allow me to buy contact lenses with my own money at uni because she 'didn't believe I was that blind'. She refused to entertain the idea of me changing courses when I wasn't happy. I didn't do anything about either of these because I really believed that she had that control over me, I was so brainwashed!

She told me my then-boyfriend would find someone else and forget all about me, so I followed him to the same uni (probably why I wasn't happy!)

She threw a full cup of tea across the front room because she didn't get her own way, can't even remember what that was about.

I don't have DC yet - I really want a family with my partner in the future but equally I dread having children, particularly daughters, because I don't want them to have the upbringing I did. I have a huge amount of self-esteem issues and I'm constantly comparing myself to others, I give myself a really hard time in my head.

for you all, it's heartbreaking when the penny drops that this was emotional abuse and having to deal with the aftermath.

Don't panic about having kids - you won't behave like them. You'll do it differently.

I'm one of six. My mother physically fought with all four of my brothers (hitting them, throwing buckets of water over them and so on) and was always shouting/screaming/bitching/complaining.

I remember losing my school uniform once and she walloped me about the head and shoulders as I cowered on the floor.

As an adult I took up karate so that if I was physically threatened I'd be able to defend myself. But I haven't managed to learn anything that will help my reaction to loud shouty arguments. They make me anxious, sweaty and tearful.

The final nail in the coffin of my marriage to XH was the fact that even though I was crying, in a restaurant, on holiday, he still wouldn't stop arguing at ds1.