Did anyone else grow up with very shouty and angry parents/ family? How has it affected you?

[Henree]

I was the youngest of a large family. My siblings were all alot older than me as there's a bit of a gap between me and the next child.

As a result I was always shouted at by parents and siblings alike. Almost always for asking a question or doing something normal eg tripping over . I would get shouted at for falling and hurting myself. I would cry for being told off nastily not for the pain of my bleeding knees.

Apart from other shit stuff in childhood I think this is one of the most shit things that has affected me. Its no wonder I have crippling low self esteem and am socially anxious. Im scared of saying/ doing the wrong thing. Im scared of being assertive in case ppl get angry with me. Im scared of getting people upset with me so i never say no. The list goes on.

My parents were both shouty and volatile. My dad used to hit me and my DB too. Materially we had a good life but emotionally it was difficult.

I have since had a life of crippling low self esteem and periodic depression. I still feel 'not good enough' in their eyes sometimes.

I do get cross with my DCs but not very often and try to diffuse anger with humour when I can or apologise afterwards if I do lose it, but that's really once in a blue moon. We have a totally different relationship than I did with my parents.

My parents are often impatient with my DCs too especially my DS and I hate it. I try to keep my distance from them these days as they seem to be getting less tolerant with age and it's the only way I can stay in a good place and not get too wound up or upset by them, which feels cruel but I feel justified in being a bit selfish and self-protective in the circumstances.

That’s just normal shouting. I frequently end up shooting when my children are playing on their phones and are about to miss the bus.

Typo made me laugh. Bit harsh!

I can't recall a time of no shouting.

I was usually ignored. One of five, they lost sight of what was important.
I now avoid confrontation, and nothing gets resolved in my life.

I'm in counselling, aged 50.

I had the opposite my step dad never got obviously angry can’t reme him shouting he was really sweet and nice before he would beat me because he knew he was going to enjoy himself

And my mum is too cold to get angry her coldness is hurtful when on the odd occasions she does shout it’s laughable as she has lost control

I find when I can’t read an expression when someone is poker faced I get anxious

Microexpressions link is interesting. I work with ex offenders some have been terribly violent. On the odd occasion you will see an expression or their eyes darken it’s fleeting but reminds you how dangerous they are - interestingly some colleagues see this and others are totally oblivious and never pick up on those often very small indicators of aggression/anger/paranoia

And I don’t like confrontation I avoid it at all costs

My parents were volatile and shouty. Alcoholic DF. Unhappy DM. Sometimes they'd fight with each other. DF used to pay me and siblings to fight each other.

Despite it all I do feel I've broken the chain. Married a kind, intelligent, civilised man, brought my kids up in an environment so far removed from my childhood - they are southern softies by comparison, in a good way! Really good way.

I shout very rarely. I guess the impact has been that I hold back and read people and situations, rather than take the lead and shape them. I think when you grow up in such chaos it's like being in a minefield and you don't want to take the chance of setting off an explosion. I did not learn to be diplomatic and charming and still find it difficult. So I hold back and adapt to the temperature in a situation, rather than set it.

Thecrown3 I too would often wet myself when I was was beaten or about to be beaten (this was amusing to my step dad but also another reason for him to give me another slap/hit)

There is no shame in that only people who should be ashamed are the adults that abused and the others that stood by doing nothing

Feel so sad reading all of this ... it’s me, my child hood, and things I need to learn as a mother

Yes similar situation to many posters. Alcoholic dad ( only in Summer months) odd I know! Shouty mother.
My dbs are older than me and dps had not declined when they were young so I go the brunt. They ask me why Im so normal. Im not though really.
I’m hyper vigilant of peoples moods. Im anxious and can get shouty myself if pushed. I try to keep it well under wraps. I have a tendency to self sabotage if things are going to well. Im anxious and don’t deal with noise well which dh forgets about all the time!
On the plus side I care for people and things. Rescue squirrels in road, nurse people. Etc.

It’s so sad reading these.
It shows you it never gets forgotten does it, it scars.
Also the fear inside of turning into your parent.... and you say or do things that are them and it triggers in you again

Yes, been here. Alcoholic shouty, volatile mother and doormat of a father who toadied to her for an easy life and told us kids to do the same just to keep the peace. If my mother was in an argumentative mood anyway it didn’t matter whether were being good she’d find something to start over regardless.
I was a timid, scared child who was afraid of loud noises and startled easily. I became an adult who has had to work hard to keep self esteem up. I am also terrified of making mistakes at work and my stomach turns to liquid if I hear angry shouting, it brings everything back.
I have been known to be a bit shouty at times to my kids but I’ve tried so very hard to break the cycle.

A lot of your posts resonate with me too. I had the shouty controlling mum, passive easy life alcoholic dad combo.

Even now she has this amazing knack for putting huge dampeners on anything exciting in my life, the only one she didn't was my wedding and I wonder if that was because she was in front of people outside of the family so she behaved.

I still get the anxiety related diarrhoea and now I'm a parent I am so scared I'm turning into her if I shout, I really don't want that for my children!

I remember not being able to write a Christmas card in joined up writing when I was infants school age. She threw it in the bin and screamed I was a little cow. I remember as a teenager the feeling of dread crossing the threshold after a fun weekend at a friend's, as you could tell if she was shoving the hoover around angrily you'd be bollocked for absolutely nothing.

TheCrown3 that's one of the saddest things I've ever read. I'm so sorry for the four year old you.

This is a really sad post and I relate so much to it. My mother was a cold, angry woman with absolutely no tolerance for my sister or me. She was/is incredibly selfish and has really crap social skills. The only memories I have of her are of me walking on eggshells, being hit, shouted at and sworn at, and generally feeling unloved and unwanted. I try SO hard not to become my mother when my daughter is naughty. There are times when I have lost it, and have shouted and sworn which makes me feel horrendous and ashamed. I apologised of course, but hate to think my daughter's memories of me will be of me losing control. I do try and make her feel loved, I play with her, give lots of cuddles and kisses and tell her how important she is to me so I'm really hoping I've got a good balance. I can already see she's anxious like me, and it breaks my heart.

Op I am you, exactly as you describe.

I was in it for only 15 years.
Now I am almost 50, it is still a weight around my neck and has affected my every day.

It affects MY everyday but not my children’s. I have made sure of this.
I hope.

My father was aggressive and shouted and scolded for the smallest reason. I am now apropos pleaser and need to feel validation thatnpeople like me. I’m emotionally needy (although I hide it so I end up anxious). I hate confrontation as i remember the feeling of being a helpless child. I need to become more confident and assertive but I just retreat.

My Mum was incredibly shouty because my Dad would never respond to her, it escalated and her shouting got worse and worse until he would walk out or if he didn't there would be an 'atmosphere' until the air had cleared which could be a few hours to a few days. They didn't divorce until I was I my mid 20s when he began a relationship with her best friend, secretly rented a flat and moved out. I was angry at him and he would respond to me in the same way that he did with her and would say nothing. We haven't had any contact for 10 years and he recently let me know he was writing me out of his will because I am a shit daughter. I was angry at her because she was devastated but I sort of blamed her for 'causing' it. My relationship with my husband is totally different, he tells me what he thinks and is emotionally available. I do lose my rag occasionally but I consciously make sure I never behave in the way my Mum did. Outwardly to the world I seem quite confident and in control but inside I doubt myself regularly and often bottle out of situations that I know I am going to find challenging. It has affected me.

God - I've just made myself cry...

Yes, my mother could be very explosive and would then carry it on by ignoring and pushing me away for hours after the event.

This was often for very minor misdemeanours as I was generally terrified of doing the wrong thing so was a very compliant child.

My Dad would also shout very loudly if I dared to complain about anything. As a result I just became totally insular.

As an adult I hated any kind of confrontation, but since having a child of my own, I am now far braver. I stand up to both of my parents when I need to and I'm no longer afraid of them.

There've been some real insights on here for me - I'd never linked my social anxiety to my DMs shouting before. I rather thought it was just something I'd inherited from my quiet, anxious DDad, whose life she made a misery. But in any new social situation I am terrified of doing the wrong thing, and generally spend the whole event privately remembering all the other times I did something embarrassing.

I have very few childhood memories but they all involve her shouting, DPs arguing, occasional F2M DV, huge arguments every time we had to go somewhere in the car. Nowadays, I make sure I either have a pre-booked early train or have my car and don't drink, so I can make a sharp exit if someone gets drunk or angry. She also still bellows for me in whatever room she's in - you'd better go to her or the shouting doesn't stop.

The biggest repercussion is that I will never choose to have DC - i never enjoyed childhood, and don't particularly love the way my anxious mind works, (though I am sometimes happy). Therefore I won't wish the same on anyone else by causing them to be born. I also feel that I come from a 'tainted' gene pool, so would be critical of any dc characteristics that remind me of my DMs side of the family.

There's a book called The Body Keeps Score which looks into the long term effects from a traumatic childhood. Might be worth a read

I've been trying to follow therapeutic parenting for a couple of years now, and it takes a concerted effort on a hourly daily basis to not react with shoutiness/sarcasm etc. I told DS yesterday I used to be a shouty parent and he said he couldn't remember me being like that which is a relief I guess. We spent the day with a shouty friend who was yelling at her kids for basically just being kids - not even unruly, just being kids, and I think it really shocked him to see/hear it.

I had a nice but fairly weak DM and a physically and mentally abusive DF who was very shouty, we were always on eggshells and I came on to say I don’t think it really affected me but having read through all of this I think it probably has, but only in a fairly minor way. I do an incredible blank face and stay calm to the point of cold in arguments which has freaked people out before (exes really) and honestly I’ve questioned whether I’m altogether normal on that front.
On the flip side, I trust my own judgement of right and wrong implicitly and once I make a decision, that’s it, my inner resolve is quite impressive and I
Think that stems from having to be fairly tough very young.

Yes,my father-given me anxiety

HappySonHappyMum

Its so strange that others have actually said that they don't remember much of their childhood. Im exactly the same. I can't even tell you where I slept as a child, what colour the living room was etc. I have very few memories of time spent at home. I thought it was me having a bad memory!

ChipInTheSugar I have seen that book and have recently discovered that I probably have developed complex PTSD from a bit of a shit childhood from emotional neglect and abuse.
Can I ask what therapeutic parenting is for? I have heard of it and seen it mainly in the adoption boards but no idea what it is?

Have you noticed how most people have referred to mother and father instead of mum and dad? The formality speaks volumes to me. I refer to my parents as my father / mum when taking about them. Guess who was shouty, violent and abusive

I’m going to get that book.