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Original poster

Are you glad you have siblings?

133 replies

rascalsinthecot · 22/02/2019 20:25

We have a one year old DD who is just amazing. We'd always hoped for two DCs and are deciding now whether to have another.

What's holding me back is that I love her so much I can't imagine feeling the same way about another (I know this is a common fear) and also I worry that she will feel insecure or jealous in some way if we have another baby.

She does also have a couple of congenital problems and my DH was concerned that if we had another DC without these problems she might look at the other DC and wonder why they are different. Our drs don't think it's genetic and was a sporadic thing that they can't explain, but we do worry as well that if we had another DC they could have a much worse disability.

I'm an only child and although I was very lucky and had a very happy childhood, I do think I would be a better person and more adept socially if I'd had siblings. I'd love to think of her as having more family than just us, although I know we can't guarantee they would grow up close.

Just love her so much and want to make the right decision for her I guess so would love to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:

thefourgp · 22/02/2019 22:21

My sister is my best friend. I know I’m very lucky to have such a close bond because a lot of people have distant relationships with their siblings. She’s the only one who truly understands how much I miss our dad since he died last year even when I’m putting on a front and trying to be positive for my kids. We don’t live near each but we talk once or twice a week and visit every couple of months. We confide everything in each other and have a lot of shared interests. My life would not be the same without her. I hope my children are are close as we are when they are older. X

ILoveDaveGrohl · 22/02/2019 22:21

Yes. My little brother is the light of my life

LifeOfBriony · 22/02/2019 22:22

Yes, I have 2 DBs, am closer to one than the other, but we mostly all get on well. My 2 DCs are fairly close and have been supportive to each other in difficult times, although they also annoy each other.

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IHaveBrilloHair · 22/02/2019 22:23

Not really, I can't stand him.

pearldeodorant · 22/02/2019 22:23

Yes. Extremely close with my younger brother. I have my DP, 2 childhood best friends and him as my real true support network. I wouldn't be without any of them.

We were also v close growing up

zzzzz · 22/02/2019 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Letthemysterybe · 22/02/2019 22:24

Yes. My sibling is a big part of my life.

My own kids adore each other at the moment.

flowersaremyfave · 22/02/2019 22:40

I'm the eldest of 3 and very close to my siblings I'm so glad I have them.

I have 5 children (ages between 17-2) who love each other dearly. They have their squabbles like all siblings but on the whole get along great. And I really love watching their amazing bonds.

Rayofsunshinecome · 22/02/2019 22:41

OP - I could have written that myself, but I’m already pg with my second, very early stages, fingers crossed.

We are older parents and we don’t have much family around, I’m from abroad and DH’s sisters are even older than him, parents passed away a while ago. This is one of the reasons I’d like my DD to have a sibling.

Also, I have an older sister who had health issues since she was little, our controlling and obsessive mother always considered her to be the nicer child and made our relationship very difficult and dysfunctional and I never felt I had a sister, I very rarely talk to or about her and it’s usually through my mother. Mentally and socially she didn’t have a healthy development. I’d have loved to have a sister that I can talk to or share things with.

BertieBotts · 22/02/2019 22:46

Very glad. My sister was one of my closest friends growing up and I love my two half siblings as well, they are awesome. It's nice to know you have a connection with people even if you don't see them often too.

However on the whether to have one DC/more DC question I don't think you should base it on what's better for DC, because it can go either way, or like you said about feelings about whether you can love another as this is usually unfounded.

I think you should think about what suits you as parents instead - which lifestyle fits you, whether it's always a child you've dreamed of/imagined having or children - and to an extent your existing DC especially if she has additional needs and/or if a second child would be likely to - I think these are good reasons to consider.

I have a big age gap between my two so I feel like I can compare the two experiences of having an only/having more than one, but some of this is based on friends with multiple kids' experiences.

With an only:

It's quite intense - the relationship between you and the DC, and your attention and focus on every little issue. Can be a good thing and bad thing.
You have much more flexibility in terms of spontaneous travel, day trips, etc
You end up having to spend more time with other people's children if your DC is sociable (but OTOH, you can tell them to go home when you've had enough. And when your one child is on a sleepover, freedom)
You have more time, energy, money to focus on that child's interests and/or foster an interest in things you enjoy. Less of a "Kids/Adults" dynamic. DC can sometimes end up quite "adult", relating more to adults than other children.
Can be fairly quiet and relaxing especially once DC is of an age they can entertain themselves.

With 2(+):

You get more of a sense of a crowd for events like Christmas or holidays even when it's just your own family.
You relax a bit more because you can compare and see that your parenting isn't the be all and end all - their personalities differ so much.
They entertain each other and/or can help each other out - OTOH they also fight and/or will wind each other up or be a danger to each other.
More relentless as much more of the day is taken up with somebody needing something. If you have small DC close together this is especially stressful.
There is no such thing as a child being in an "easy" stage because another will be in a challenging one... OTOH you can contrast and compare the stages favourably as well.
Your busyness is sometimes a blessing in that you cannot focus your attention on one child's issues all the time - again could be a good or bad thing essentially.
Spending time one on one with each child becomes more special/precious whereas with an only, it's normal.
With DC2+ you can (sort of) feel like you know what you're doing rather than winging it all the time.

Muuuuuuuum · 22/02/2019 22:46

Yes. I don't live near any of mine, and we don't talk lots, but they 'get me' in a way no one else does and I know they're there for me whatever.

And, as a parent now, one of the loveliest things is seeing the love my dc have for each other. That said, dc1 often voices a desire to be an only.

Sammy867 · 22/02/2019 22:54

I am the middle of three. Growing up I can’t really remember times when we did things together. I know we used to play out with our friends in the street, ride bikes, play games etc but to be honest I also did that with our friends as well.

I think there’s little difference between having a really amazing best friend and a sibling. My girl has a best friend her age, they’ve known each other since 6 months old and they’re probably closer than siblings as they get to have their own space apart from each other which is important. Most of the arguments when I was little was over mums attention, sharing everything including a bedroom and lack of personal space so they don’t have these problems. Obviously they argue or fight like siblings as well over toys etc but they always make up. I still have my best friends from childhood that I see and chat with and I’m definitely closer to them than my siblings

I believe I gained something from having siblings but I don’t think having them changed who I am as a person. We don’t have the best friend kind of relationship that some siblings have but we don’t dislike each other either.

I suppose even though we grew up together I can’t really say that I know who they are too well

AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2019 23:42

I do love my DSis and we get on fine, but tbh, she isn't really a massive part of my life. We were very close when we were little, but much less so as teenagers. We don't live near each other now, so I don't see her that much and we rarely speak between visits. If I spend too much time with her, I find that she has the power to irritate me more than virtually anyone on the planet! I'm sure I probably annoy the hell out of her too!

I'm the one living near our ageing parents now, so it's me who has to look out for them when they need support. Both have quite complex health issues and my mum has a lot of mental health problems which can be quite draining. DSis does nothing and doesn't get involved, partly because she lives too far away but also because she's just too busy. In some ways, she probably thinks it's fair enough as DH and I were the ones who had the benefit of free childcare when dd was younger. I do resent her lack of involvement sometimes, but it is what it is. I guess I'm just pointing out that having siblings is no guarantee that you'll have support with stuff like this - my DH is a much bigger support when dealing with my ageing parents than my DSis will ever be.

Overall, I'm glad that DSis is there. I have happy memories of the time that we spent together as young children, though these memories are tinged with regret at the fact that our closeness didn't really extend beyond our primary school years. I'd be sad if anything happened to her, of course. I'm also grateful for the fact that my (only) dd is very close to her (only) ds. It's nice that they have that relationship. However, I genuinely don't feel that my dd is massively missing out on anything as a result of not having siblings. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to feel that she is missing out either! She has amazing social skills and tons of lovely friends!

As parents, you can have no way of knowing if your dc will get on or not. They might turn out to be very close or they might hate each other. They might help each other to develop better cooperation and social skills or they could cause serious damage to each other's confidence and self esteem. You simply cannot plan how it's going to turn out. Have another child if you want another child, but please don't have one to give your existing dc a sibling.

Maelstrop · 22/02/2019 23:47

Nope, I very much dislike my older brother for very good reasons. Also, he’s ‘golden child’ with the dominant parent, so doubly shit, tbh.

dontknowwhattodo80 · 22/02/2019 23:51

TBH we're not close, I could go months on end without seeing/speaking to my brother. We're just very different people! He has no children and lives a life of holidays, dinner parties etc. We just don't have anything in common! I don't dislike him, just don't have much to do with him

I'll be honest though, I imagine it'll be good to have a brother when we lose our parents. An only child friend recently lost her Mum ( Dad died when she was a teen) and she had to do everything alone

YellowBilledLoon · 23/02/2019 00:40

Yes, I'm extremely glad to have one. I was an only child long enough to still remember being one, so I am so glad that they have another.

DinosApple · 23/02/2019 06:18

I love my brother, we're both totally different, with different interests, but he's fab.

Of course we fought lots as children, and now live far apart, but when I see him we have a good time and are able to laugh at things our parents do (in a nice way).

Ivegotthree · 23/02/2019 06:31

Love having siblings.

Also we have one DC with a disability and specifically had two more to help look after her when we die.

No brainer.

PeppermintCactus · 23/02/2019 06:54

Yes, my sibling is one of my best friends.

DH is one of a large family. He's much closer to some of his siblings than others but happy to have them all. Sometimes I wish I could give my kids that large family childhood but I just don't have the energy!

Heatherjayne1972 · 23/02/2019 06:55

So much depends on personalities and family dynamics
My Nan and one cousin are onlies - both would have liked a sister but they only see the positives in that - a playmate and friend Don’t think either have given too much thought to the squabbling and arguing
Personally I have two boys who have a love/hate thing going on
My own sister and I get on well now but used to hate each other
It’s a bit of a lottery really

Arowana · 23/02/2019 06:59

I have one brother, I do love him but we don't have much in common and rarely see or speak to each other.

BikeRunSki · 23/02/2019 07:01

Yes ! Third of four, we’ve got closer as we’ve got older.

Fontofnoknowledge · 23/02/2019 07:04

Yes I have two brothers and live then enormously.

My mother is in her 80s and still accuses her parents of supreme selfishness in not having more. As she says - you are a child for twenty years so then the hard work is done but she has had 69 yrs as an adult without a sibling to share. Her father died when she was 21 and mum when she was 49

kaytee87 · 23/02/2019 07:17

Yes and not just for the company growing up but now we're adults we only live a 10 minute walk from each other and I have a lovely sil, nephew and niece too

roundtheriverbend · 23/02/2019 07:23

I have an older disabled sibling. I was the child bred to help look after my older sibling and to look after them when my parents die. I think it was an awful thing for my parents to do, and has hung over me like a weight.

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