My baby having a baby at 15

[Kri5te1]

OK so this is my first thread here, my baby who is 15 is pregnant, OK this is not the first teenage pregnancy I have had to deal with, I was 16 when fell pregnant with my first, then she fell pregnant too at 16, but this is my baby I'll always support my kids but this one hurt, things will be hard for her and she won't get much financial help as me and her dad both work full time, and there was me thinking I may be able to cut down on overtime hahaha.

I was 16 when I fell pregnant with my first. My parents marched me to an abortion clinic, I didn't go through with it and my daughters 17 now. As much as I wouldn't like her to be pregnant at her age, I wouldn't encourage her to have an abortion, I'd give her her options and leave it to her to decide, and support her the best I could. Being a young mum isn't the end of the world.

I too would be having a very frank and honest conversation about her options, including termination. For me at 15, that would have been the best option, it may not be for her but she needs to know it’s a viable option.

I do agree however that, with the right support, she can still achieve a good career if that’s what she wants but it’ll be bloody hard work . I have taught quite a few midwifery and medical students who have been single parents to small children. It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination but it’s not impossible

Well.it's all about perspective really isn't it Plastic and when you meet someone you want to have children with , i.was 30+ wen I had children, I had ,had a career and done my clubbing years etc by then,but I think most people can agree 15 is far from ideal,and not everyone has middle class wonderfully supportive parents.

@Roland seriously you are doing a degree (like the majority of ppl) please don’t give ppl false illusions!! You have a HELL of a long road before you become a professor (that’s if you do you’re doctorate first!!) and are then offered a professorship!

I consider it very irresponsible indeed to reassure op and her daughter that everything will be fine!

Several girls at my school had babies at 15, 16, 17. Only one has a 'very good' career, high up in a civil service role. This was only possible because a) civil service use maths/english aptitude tests for applicants so foreign/alternative/no qualifications aren't a barrier to entry and b) her own mother was 16 when she had her, so was young enough to provide full time childcare, school pickups, sleepovers etc while she worked long hours, worked away, trained and climbed the career ladder.

Funnily enough, her own daughter got pregnant at 16, after all of her 'don't do what I did, look how hard it was for me' chats. She now feels this had the opposite effect to intended - her DD ended up thinking but look at my mum, if she can do it, I can do it. She had a termination in the end as her bf did a runner and my friend was pretty relieved tbh.

One of my neighbours fell pregnant as a teenager. She’s a bright girl who could easily have done well at her A levels and gone on to university. Her parents are both working so she dropped out of school and has never worked. Her boyfriend disappeared from the scene when he moved away from the area when the baby was one. The house is cramped and the child (now school aged) shares a bedroom with his mum. The family all look exhausted and miserable. I’d like to think that my neighbour could have some sort of career or go to work in the future but I don’t see it happening for a long time.

@timaandranyasbestfriend

What would be? Don't see why people should be rewarded for fecklessly reproducing as teens with free higher ed. Wow, so the ones who were responsible get punished by having to pay and borrow but the ones who didn't get it all free? Glad it doesn't work that way.

This. ^

@plasticpatty

Our society is set up to keep young people as children until they're in their early twenties. Then they become parents at 30+. That isn't healthy. Better to have your children young-ish, and do the other stuff later. You went on to get your degree, I got mine in my thirties. You'll give your baby the support you can, and you have the advantage of having experienced similar yourself. If she decides a termination is best for her, I'm sure you'll support her in that, too.

Wow.

You are not peddling this 'advice' to anyone in real life are you. And not to teenage girls, please tell us you're not!

Agree with previous posters, people need to stop spouting this nonsense that having a baby in your teens is just the BEST, and you can easily go on to be a massive high-achiever who will have a masters from Cambridge by the age of 23, a £200K a year job by 25, and have written a book on your 'amazing journey' by the time you're 27!

It's misleading, it's dangerous advice, and it almost never happens......... Most women who have a baby in their teens, are far more likely to be living on (or below) the poverty line for most of their lives and will be signing up to a life of drudgery. Stop pretending it is any different. Because for the vast majority of teen mothers, it isn't.

Buster - My degree is paid for with a tuition fee loan, and will be paid back as normal, thanks

I had dd at 17, and yes I've gone on to university and work ft, progressing in my career (not quite at the same level as my childless friends but pretty close).

Not all teenage parents jump into a life of benefits and council houses.

Having said that, I'd be pretty devastated if my dd fell pregnant before 18. I'd encourage her to think long and hard about her options. There are many ways to go through life and how I did it certainly isn't the easiest.

Well, it's interesting how this thread has gone.

Only 10-15 years ago, every reply would have been along the lines of 'every baby is a blessing'/'they bring their love with them'/'it'll all be amazing' etc. Anyone daring to suggest it wouldn't necessarily be amazing would, at best be shot down by a baying mob, or be deleted.

I guess the world is a different place, in a land of UC, eye-watering student debt, FT working to 67; enough people know women who had babies in their teens who most definitely are not 'on the way to a professorship' , and most must know there's no guaranteed council house any more.

However, I object to 'poor sex Ed'. It was a poor choice she made. And I agree entirely that every option should be explored.

Best of luck.

I think that you should sit your daughter down and have a realistic chat. Some teen moms go on to ha r successful careers but statistics show that teen moms are far more likely to remain on some kind of benefits all their lives versus those that weren't. Be encouraging to your daughter but it's important to be realistic with her as well so she can make informed choices as what she wants to do.

Hope it works out OP. I had my son at 19 and whilst it was hard, it’s actually quite fun now being only 35 and having a teenager who can look after himself rather than being woken up 5 times a night with a screaming baby.

Oh, there's been plenty of that, Mil. 'You never regret a baby' 'You always love a baby'. The automatic assumption she'll go to uni and even one post about how great it is and she'll be 'streets ahead' of her peers for having had a baby so young.

They say if you're a young parent your children are more likely to have their own kids young too.
But you managed with your children young, so if she prepared for it, I'm sure she can manage too.
I think it's not much to do with age once your pregnant, yeah there is a law, but once it's done it's done, right? I think it's more of a tough decision for them as they're so many judgments and so many other people having their opinion.

She will do what right for her. At 15, or at 35, having a baby is always a strain in some ways or another. As long as she is happy, healthy and understand the work involved then just be there for her, whatever her decision.

but let's be honest
if yyour teenager has a baby , it's really YOU who are having the baby.
It's YOU who will be financially responsible for the child. YOU who will end up doing most of the care. YOU who will have to find a way to make housing work.

I disagree that 15 years ago evryone would have beeen saying how amazing it was -there was a very different demographic on here 15 years ago and i think a lot of people would have been horrified.

big hugs op this must be hard for you, I was a 19 yr old mother, whilst in all honesty it has held me back in terms of educational achievement, that is too blunt an instrument to measurement the worthiness of someones life. We are married now with another child, he has a brilliant career, we own our own home have trips away etc we have certainly afforded our children stability and luxury we never had and broken a cycle of DV women in my family often experienced, but because of how society works i will always be sneered at in comparison to a career woman with a dysfunctional home life and it winds me up. and be careful, whilst every woman must have it available if needed, pushing the 'have an abortion' is not always ideal many teenage girls are utterly traumatised forever by pressured abortions.

i have lifted this from a public health england document;

Children in poverty – 63 per cent higher
risk for children born to women under-20
Rates of adolescents not in education,
employment or training (NEET) – 21 per
cent of the estimated number of 16-18
female NEETs are teenage mothers
Adult poverty – By age 30, women who
were teenage mothers are 22 per cent
more likely to be living in poverty than
mothers giving birth aged 24 or over.
Compared with older fathers, young fathers
are twice as likely to be unemployed, even
after taking account of deprivation.
Infant mortality rate – 75 per cent higher
rate for babies born to women under 20
Sudden unexpected death in infancy
(SUDI) – babies born to women under 20
are three times more likely to suffer SUDI
Incidence of low birth weight of term
babies – 30 per cent higher rate for
babies born to women under 20
Maternal smoking prevalence (including
during pregnancy) – Mothers under 20
are twice as likely to smoke before and
during pregnancy and three times more
likely to smoke throughout pregnancy
Breastfeeding initiation and prevalence
at 6-8 weeks – Mothers under 20 are a third
less likely to initiate breastfeeding and half
as likely to be breastfeeding at 6-8 weeks
Emotional health and wellbeing –
Mothers under 20 experience higher rates
of poor mental health for up to three years
after the birth

I'd imagine that if you yourself were the result of a teen pregnancy you'd struggle more with the idea of aborting one due to inconvenience, given that if your mother had done the same you wouldn't be alive. It might also be tricky for OP to suggest an abortion as preferable to being a teen mum for similar reasons.

I would most definitely be discussing all options with her OP.

You haven't responded to any of the comments yet re a possible termination. Is this because you dont agree with it?

You, more than anyone, will know just how hard it can be, particularly if the father does not fully support her and help financially towards the child. ( Hopefully that isn't the case here and he and his family will help?)

Just because you did it and your other daughter too doesn't mean she has to.
There's a lot to think about.

Of course it's not the end of the world but two people are involved here who need to discuss this further.

enough people know women who had babies in their teens who most definitely are not 'on the way to a professorship

The girls I went to school with who had babies aged 15/16 (including my best friend), all stayed in my home town and now work in childcare.

Was this meant to be a supportive thread?

I’d be suggesting an abortion. Having the baby will make her life much harder than it has to be.

I had my baby at 16. Best thing to ever happen to me. That's not saying it's not hard or a struggle, but it's still the best thing to happen to me and I'm financially independent and now live on my own with my family.

I knew my options. I considered them. If my mum would've came to me and told me I should have an abortion, I would've completely cut her out of the situation, but she supported me and knew in her heart that it was a good and positive thing to happen to me and I could cope with it.

She will be worried enough without you going in guns blazing suggesting terminations etc. She needs to consider all options but she doesn't need options pushed on her and she may well be able to cope with it just as well as other people- it comes down to the individual person.

It's technically not your business what she decides but what do you think would be best for her? Is she happy about the pregnancy? Is she scared? Has she said what she wants to happen?

I stand by it was the best thing to happen to me but I was ready and matured and aimed to stand on my own two feet. Do you think she'd accept that responsibility or would she be complicit relying on you?

It's technically not your business what she decides

It's always the choice of the woman who is pregnant but it's very much the business of the op. It will affect her life immeasurably....far more so than if her DD had a baby ten years down the line. The op will have to provide huge amounts of practical and financial support , far more than most grandparents at a time in her life when she was probably done changing nappies and having sleepless nights.

@formerbabe I guess that was biased. I lived with my DM for the first year of DS's life but I'd earned my own maternity allowance so didn't rely on her money (except she paid bills, same as before), and I didn't have her doing any childcare etc so the impact wasn't big, especially as I moved out just before 17.

I guess that's a bit different if your DD is still in mandatory education and has no way to get money of her own.