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Original poster

Would you leave a nearly 15 yr old overnight?

150 replies

surlycurly · 15/02/2019 07:09

DD is a very mature 14 (15 in April). She is supposed to go to her dad's this weekend and he's told her not to come as she doesn't get on with her new step mum. It's a difficult one as DD can be a pita but I don't think she's at fault in this one. However, I have plans that may involve staying out overnight. She's adamant she could stay here alone and not tell anyone (I believe her) but obviously I'd have rather that she had been older. I just don't see how I can force her to go to her dad's but selfishly I don't want to have to cancel my plans yet again because of my ex. WWYD?

OP posts:
Bellatrix14 · 15/02/2019 10:51

There might be a burglary, but I’m not sure a 16 year old would be able to cope with a burglar any better than an almost 15 year old would, unfortunately.

The legal guidelines are a bit vague, there’s technically no legal age to leave your child at home on their own, but the official NSPCC guidelines is that children under the age of 16 shouldn’t be left overnight. You can also be prosecuted if you have been perceived to have put your child in danger by leaving them alone. So it’s not very helpful Hmm

Other than legal advice, I’m not sure anyone else is able to help you unless they have met your daughter. I would be wary of leaving her alone for ‘routine’ overnight plans though, given the circumstances. It must have been hard for her when I dad told her not to come over and I wouldn’t want to make that worse if possible?

JE17 · 15/02/2019 11:15

Yes I can imagine that I'd leave my sensible almost 15yo DD alone overnight if she were requesting that. You know your DD better than anyone else, trust your own judgement.

TrickyKid · 15/02/2019 11:17

Yep I would.

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SoupDragon · 15/02/2019 11:25

Clearly I have concerns.

I think that is the key. If you aren't entirely happy with the choice, would you be able to relax and get on with what you're doing? Ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else would do.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 11:42

If powercut, Ds1 would call me

With what? Landlines don't work. In the case of a power cut, and there is a potential he might not get a signal.

SoupDragon · 15/02/2019 11:48

Landlines don't work

No, cordless phones don't work. That's why you are meant to have a traditional corded one for emergencies.

ciderhouserules · 15/02/2019 11:54

One night? That's nothing! My sister left her 15 and 16 YO for two weeks while she went off to the Caribbean! Grin (She does now wonder why her now mid-20s kids left home as soon as they possibly could, and one has had a baby without telling her....Shock)

OP - you know your child. I think I'd do it if she knew where to get help if needed, how to lock up properly, turn everything off, fire evacuation drills etc.

And yes, her father should be the one stepping up.

Original poster
surlycurly · 15/02/2019 11:56

There is no doubt that she's mature enough. And she'd cope if things went wrong. And to those of you that are suggesting I'm being a shit parent by putting myself first, you have no idea how many times I've changed plans for my kids at the last minute. This week alone I have cancelled two nights out because of the kids need for me to be around. But I also have Aspergers and I get saturated. I NEED time off, not just want it. My sister is over from America and this will be the one bit of time I have alone with her. If I cancel I won't see her alone again in who knows how long. Not drip feeding here but it's appalling to tell a woman who raises her kids virtually alone, despite the personal cost, that I am in some way letting her down. Her father, choosing his new wife, again, is the one doing that. We have shared custody. He is reneging on his financial and practical obligations. Again.

OP posts:
PlinkPlink · 15/02/2019 11:58

My mum used to have to do this often when she was on night shift as a nurse.

I was mature at that age.

If you think she can handle, let her. Just stipulate no house parties or setting fire to the house 😂😂

Billballbaggins · 15/02/2019 11:58

I babysat my siblings and cousins overnight at 14 (well from 12) and I was fine. And this wasn’t hundreds of years ago either I’m 30 now. Mobiles, landlines, knowing the emergency numbers is fine IMO

Crunched · 15/02/2019 12:00

Yes of course as long as you could get back (taxi/car) within an hour or so.
Please see your sister

PuppyMonkey · 15/02/2019 12:00

Could your sister come to yours for drinks/food instead - and the 14 yo will probably leave you both to it, so you’ll have plenty of time just the two of you?

Billballbaggins · 15/02/2019 12:02

it's appalling to tell a woman who raises her kids virtually alone, despite the personal cost, that I am in some way letting her down. Her father, choosing his new wife, again, is the one doing that. We have shared custody. He is reneging on his financial and practical obligations. Again.

You’re so right, it is her dad that’s being shit, definitely not you at all.
I really don’t see a problem - she insists she will be fine, you’ll be on the end of the phone, it might be a good trial for you both to give it a go and see how you get on.

NameChanger22 · 15/02/2019 12:03

I probably would if I had to, but then I'd worry like mad about it. If it wasn't necessary then I wouldn't do it.

NWQM · 15/02/2019 12:08

Firstly I don’t think it’s selfish for you to not want to cancel your plans because 3 other people - 2 adults and 1 who wants to be treated as an adult - have changed theirs. I think you need to ‘call them out on it’. Perhaps they can’t all cope together for a whole weekend but her Dad could surely have her for one night. Should want to see her actually and work to sort out it. Appreciate that this is an ideal world I’m describe but no any plans that starts with ‘I just won’t tell anyone’ isn’t one that you want your teenage to cook. I’d say she’s going to Dads!

lottiebel123 · 15/02/2019 12:15

the vast majority of 15 year olds with no special needs and/or mental health issues can be left alone overnight. If they can't, I'd be questioning myself as a parent. They don't go to bed the night before they turn 16 and magically become able to look after themselves. Unless there are genuine reasons not to leave them, most will be absolutely fine.

Bryjam · 15/02/2019 12:16

it's appalling to tell a woman who raises her kids virtually alone, despite the personal cost, that I am in some way letting her down.

It was no judgment on your parenting. Far far from it. But from the POV of the child? Nobody seems to want her this weekend?

Her father, choosing his new wife, again, is the one doing that. We have shared custody. He is reneging on his financial and practical obligations. Again.

He is yes. And as her mother, despite how unfair it is, it is your job to be better than him. Be there for her. Because no matter what the practicalities are, your DD has been let down and rejected (more than once you say) by her absolutely awful father. Please don't just go off doing your own thing, she needs someone. He isn't making it. You absolutely can.

I'm sorry that it's unfair. But it is unfair because HE is a dick. Your reaction to him should not impact upon her.

Oblomov19 · 15/02/2019 12:18

Now seen bit About sister. Go see your sister.

"but then I'd worry like mad about it."
I wouldn't. I don't 'do' worrying. Waste of emotional energy. Make the decision.Go. And enjoy.

Or, what's the point?

Billballbaggins · 15/02/2019 12:19

It was no judgment on your parenting. Far far from it. But from the POV of the child? Nobody seems to want her this weekend?

But from the OP the DD is happy about it. I know at 14/15 I loved having the house to myself overnight! She might love to have some privacy and feel ‘grown-up’ plus it’s not like the OP is wanting to leave the DD alone every single night it’s one night.

Bryjam · 15/02/2019 12:20

Well that's great then.

Walnutwhipster · 15/02/2019 12:21

No.

Aebj · 15/02/2019 12:22

I think I would leave my 15 and 13 year old over night. My 15 year old is a black belt , 6ft tall. My 13 year old would make sure they wouldn’t go hungry!!! Both boys know how to use washing machine, dishwasher and know how to cook ( although I would leave something for them to microwave, yeap they know how to use that to😂😂).
However I would ask my friend if they could stay at hers and I’m sure they would both jump at the chance of that😂
So yes if if your daughter is happy and you are then I would. Your ex however needs to loose his girlfriend for the night , so she can stay there

floribunda18 · 15/02/2019 12:25

If it were my DD I'd leave it entirely up to her. If she wasn't bothered by the idea of being alone, then fine. I'd also make sure there was someone available locally she can contact if there is a problem.

bourbonbiccy · 15/02/2019 12:26

No I definitely would not. I would never forgive myself if anything happened. Yeah I think you need to cancel your plans again and her father should be ashamed of himself . Your child should always come first IMO.

HotChocolateLover · 15/02/2019 12:28

Difficult one OP and I don’t think you’ll get an answer from strangers on the internet who don’t know your DD. If you’re looking for reassurance that it’s OK then personally I think that in theory there’s no problem if she’s sensible but only you can make the judgment call.

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