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Original poster

What plans do you have for your old age? Do you expect your children to be involved as carers?

315 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 11/02/2019 20:04

I know it sounds like a journalisty question, but honestly it's not! I'm just a regular Mumsnetter.

My plans for my old age very emphatically include not relying on my children (who will hopefully be parents of youngish adults or teens by the time I get there) to look after me or worry about me or support me in any way.

If I'm lucky enough to get there, I expect to be living in sheltered accommodation by the time I'm 80. I plan to save enough for private carers if/when I need them, but if that can't be done, then I'll go and live in a nursing home without making my children feel guilty about it!

I had my children quite late (as my mother had me - she was 31! but old at the time) so I am aware they could be in the sandwich generation and I just don't want any extra on their shoulders.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 17:43

We had this with my DGP because they had been in their house too long with too many memories. It was a nightmare because the house just wasn't suitable and there weren't any adaptations that could easily be made. My DDad absolutely begged them to consider moving.

surferjet · 12/02/2019 17:47

I will expect my children to look after me in old age, if they care about me they should!
I want to remain in my own home & have my daughters check in on me every day.

That’s my plan.

Birdsgottafly · 12/02/2019 17:53

"FiL did all the right things; moved into a great, warden monitored flat in his 60s"

Unless they'd allow late night parties and 'ahem' gentlemen callers, none of my Sister's friends, all in their 60's would be interested.

I'd like to be like my Mother/Nan amd one neighbour. Living semi independently. I wouldn't want my grand/children to be carers but would like to think they'd help out so I could remain in my own home.

I hope to die in the way they did, pottering about and then quickly going downhill over 48 hours, opting for a tranquilliser to 'relax' me and slip away.

I never resented any of the help that I had to give, neither did my DDs. She'd been a hands on Nan and so am I.

I'm not talking about arse wiping type care, but to me that's how families work.

KennDodd · 12/02/2019 17:58

@surferjet

Don't you have a son as well? Why is he exempt?

KennDodd · 12/02/2019 18:02

Absolutely no way would I want my children looking after me. They have their own lives to live. Caring responsiblities (and money) should go down the generations imo, parents looking after children (while they are children) not up the generations with children looking after parents.

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 12/02/2019 18:16

A PP wrote about being "run ragged" managing the care for elderly relatives - I can relate to this! That alone, when it continues for year after year, really does wear you down.

My MIL, when younger / healthier, used to say to us "shoot me if I get like that". Since she got "like that" she stopped saying it! She has dementia, is very deaf, is unable to stand or walk, and is generally very frail, unable to engage in conversation, read, follow TV etc. She has absolutely no understanding or appreciation of how much time DH spends just keeping her life ticking over.

surferjet · 12/02/2019 18:21

I do have a son, but if I need intimate care I’d rather my daughters do it.

GunpowderGelatine · 12/02/2019 18:34

I loathe that caring is seen as women's work. For both the male and female 'patient'

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 18:37

@surferjet, what if they don't live near you? My DM is 200 miles away

GunpowderGelatine · 12/02/2019 18:37

if they care about me they should

Sorry but this is horribly manipulative. Caring about you and caring for you are very different things. Women who may well have young families of their own or full time jobs adding an extra activity to their day which (judging by your comment about female preference) would involve intimate care, every single day is immensely stressful - why would you put this on them?

I think my mum expects me to care for her in old age. She can go whistle.

Grace212 · 12/02/2019 18:39

@surferjet

goodness, that's harsh. I wonder how your DDs feel about it?

Crinescene · 12/02/2019 18:41

@sadnessanddespairby not depending on any of your parents for you or your family, you are quite right to relieve yourself of caring duties for them as they grow older. You can't be emotionally blackmailed or obligated to reciprocate care.

Decormad38 · 12/02/2019 18:41

I plan to buy an extracare apartment with an onsite care team. That way both my dh and I can stay together. Having a good knowledge of this sector that I feel is a much better and certainly more cost effective option than a nursing home!

surferjet · 12/02/2019 18:47

I think my mum expects me to care for her in old age. She can go whistle

Well if my dd’s thought this about me they could go whistle too!
I’ll leave their inheritance to the cats protection league.

Decormad38 · 12/02/2019 18:47

Lots of flippant statements about cancer on here. Ive seen people with cancers die traumatically and Ive seen people with cancer die peacefully. Likewise with many other types of conditions. Death is not the same for everyone. Also try as you may it’s difficult to predict unless you take your own life and even then it can not go to plan!

BloodyHellBeryl · 12/02/2019 18:48

Me and my husband will return home when we retire in 6 years time. Our funerals are already paid for.
We have a living will in place, including DNR on our health files and plans are in place to be euthanized if and when the time comes that we are incapacitated physically or mentally. Stroke, brain damage, dementia etc.
We have already signed our home here over to our kids, when we leave for home they can dispose of it as they wish.

Luglio · 12/02/2019 18:54

The flipside of the 'I won't let my DC care for me' attitude is the stubborn refusal to accept you need help, as so many people with real experience of caring for elderly relatives will testify.

A lot of posters are in complete denial about what ageing does to your personality. All this 'Oh, I'll just cheerfully top myself when the time çomes' is bullshit. The balance of probabilities is that you will become a burden and your DC will resent you for it, but by that time you'll be too terrified to care.

GunpowderGelatine · 12/02/2019 18:55

Well if my dd’s thought this about me they could go whistle too!
I’ll leave their inheritance to the cats protection league

Hopefully then you aren't as awful as my mother (in summary if you're interested this is why I won't be looking after her https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3491316-trigger-warning-sexual-abuse-my-mum-stayed-with-my-stepdad-after-finding-out-about-abuse-an-update)

But nice that you hold their inheritance hostage unless they toe the line Hmm will your sons get their share even if they don't pop round every day?

SnuggyBuggy · 12/02/2019 18:55

This is why I want to equip my child to be able to say no to me if I do become too selfish to see reason

user1471453601 · 12/02/2019 18:58

@fairyiz, I'm heading for my 70s, and I can assure you, id rather top myself than have my daughter wipe my bum. It's Dignitas all the way for me, unless/until this country comes to its senses then my Switzserland fund remains.

I've had dogs all my life, and I've never regretted putting any one of them to sleep. If you live someone, or some animal, you do what is best for them, regardless of how you feel.

My one fear is that my darling daughter, who knows what I believe ( and share them) may take the law into her own hands. We jokee that she is not allowed to use my silk cushion to smother me.

But it's actually serious. Our outdated laws leave people of my age trying to juggle the when and how of our deaths. We all know death is going to happen, so why are so many opposed to our deciding the when and how?

longearedbat · 12/02/2019 18:59

@CountFosco, I disagree. My oh and I have a house that suits us. We have separate bedrooms, bathrooms and studies, my oh has a workshop (aka integral garage) and I have my garden, i.e plenty of space. Why on earth would we want to move somewhere smaller where we are forced to live on top of each other? It certainly wouldn't make us happy. Just because you are over 60 doesn't mean you suddenly require less space. We had our house extended a few years ago to get the space that we wanted. I know every couple is different, but we don't want to live in each others pockets.
I would absolutely hate a relative suggesting that we downsized purely because they didn't want the bother of clearing our stuff. It's like dissing your whole life. My parents lived in a large house. They died very close together, but clearing their house was not difficult using a mixture of auctioneers, house clearance and family getting together. I would never have suggested they moved from a 5 bed detached to a 1 bed bungalow purely because it would make our lives easier when they had gone. They loved their house and would never have left.

ErrolTheDragon · 12/02/2019 19:01

DH and I have known women in the generation above ours whose lives were blighted by being the daughter who had to look after their parents - no way would we do that to DD.

We do have her signed up as reserve POA (after each other), as our experience with parents and childless aunts and uncles has taught us it's easier to have this set up beforehand should need arise.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 12/02/2019 19:04

I'm not expecting or making plans that rely on any of my kids to do the caring, but I realize it may be the best option at some point. It's hard to predict what I will need and what will available options.

Personally, I prefer a sheltered accommodations-type if I ever need regular care for daily needs. I definitely don't want to try to remain in my home if that were to happen. I saw that with my MIL and my grandmother and it didn't really do any good - everyone tried their best to help, but it was so stressful and there was always some issue even with carers in regularly and family living nearby and farther family coming regularly. When my MIL was moved from hospital to a sort of halfway place, she was ill but happier than she had been in so long having people to talk to during the day and all the activity and people able to see to her needs and wants more promptly.

I told my spouse that in the statistically likely situation he pegs it first, I'd like to find communal women's housing. I think that would be my ideal but who knows what I'll be like in the hopefully distant future when it's a reality. The only thing I'm close to certain about is not staying alone in the home and not anything like Dignitas - I've spent way too long getting through suicidal ideation and fighting suicide baiting to think I would ever be comfortable with that as an option.

ArmchairTraveller · 12/02/2019 19:05

Well, if I can’t plan an elegant exit via my poison garden, I’ll just totter down to the railway line. The amount of delays on our network, one more won’t make any difference.

ineedaholidaynow · 12/02/2019 19:05

surferjet do you expect your son to check in on you every day, even if he doesn't do the personal care?

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