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Original poster

Would you end your marriage over this?

112 replies

NameyMcNameChange1 · 06/02/2019 16:19

I went out for coffee with a friend of mine today. We got chatting about holidays and I mentioned that I was going to France with family in summer for a wedding. Which led to me confessing to something that I’d lied to dh about.

When dh and I went out on our first date over a decade ago I thought he was completely out of my league academically and looks wise and felt rather intimidated. For reasons I still don’t understand, but probably because I didn’t think we’d end up married, I told him I spoke fluent French. I cannot do this. I got an A at GCSE so I can fairly confidently ask where the cathedral is and talk about my family but that’s about it. Since then I have made a habit of suddenly needing the loo if anyone starts speaking French on TV and have always found reasons for us not to go to France for family holidays. But it’s never really been an issue and I think if I did in fact come clean DH wouldn’t be too cross, he’s more likely to think I’m just a bit of a div.

It gets worse in that since I found out we were going to this wedding I’ve been going to the local uni once a week to have French lessons. Dh has been coming home from work early so I can do this, I’ve been telling him I have a gym class 😳. Except I’ve been struggling to find time to do the homework. Since new year I’ve been using my 90 minutes out of the house to go to Sainsbury’s, get a crappy magazine, a cup of tea and some pick and mix and sit in my car. Dh is more likely to be pissed off about this as this is me actively lying to him and he’s been coming home early to allow me to do this.

My friend was absolutely shocked and said if her dh did that to her then she would immediately end her marriage. She said he doesn’t have form for lying at all but he knows it is something she won’t tolerate. I know my behaviour has been far from exemplary but I really don’t think dh would be that pissed off with it. I just don’t want him to think I’m an idiot!

Please be gentle

OP posts:
Whatsnewwithyou · 06/02/2019 16:23

Start going to the gym instead of eating pick n mix, tell him your French is really rusty now which is why it's rubbish, and pray your friend never tells your DH the truth!

AdoreTheBeach · 06/02/2019 16:24

Why dont you simply say that you’re years out of practice, far too rusty, have forgotten so much and can’t seem to get back the level of fluency again. You’re creating more lies. Stop that now.

Even if you were once fluent, not speaking it fairly regularly anyone would forget

AllGoodDogs · 06/02/2019 16:26

Just fess up!! Hopefully he'll see the funny side 😂

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
pallisers · 06/02/2019 16:27

You remind me of Lucia in Mapp and Lucia who claimed to speak Italian and then the Italian Countess came to visit :)

Go to the gym and tell him you switched. Tell him the truth about the french. I would find that funny tbh if dh confessed. He probably realises you exaggerated anyway.

Or tell him you've lost the language. I was relatively fluent in German when I was in my early 20s. Can't speak a word now.

tinydancer88 · 06/02/2019 16:28

I can understand the small lie told at the start of a relationship. It's not ideal, but I would imagine a lot of people have done the same. That wouldn't bother me.

I'd find it a bit odd that over the course of a decade you've avoided the topic completely rather than 'fess up in a lighthearted way.

I'd definitely be annoyed about the "gym class" thing. It's another silly lie to cover up a silly lie. Can't say I'd end a happy marriage over it, but add it all together and I would be pretty confused about this behaviour from my partner.

PinkHeart5914 · 06/02/2019 16:28

Blimey why are you doing this? I do question what kind of relationship you must have to be honest

Just say your French is really rusty these days, with languages if you don’t use them you do forget

MiggledyHiggins · 06/02/2019 16:28

People's view of their own fluency can vary. My DB (to me) is fluent as he can easily communicate in French, lived there for a few years and spoke it soley. But he's still listening to language tapes on his way to work to improve his fluency.

So just say you realised you forgot a lot of what you learned (which you do if you don't use it) you are brushing up on tit again because you are very rusty and you are very self concious about speaking it to people. None of that is a lie, and is much closer aligned to reality.

And no, I wouldn't end a marriage over it. Take the piss ever more out of him for it, probably!

tinydancer88 · 06/02/2019 16:29

But I do understand the desire to eat pick and mix secretly in the car. Who wants to share?!

LarkDescending · 06/02/2019 16:30

Oh OP!

I'm not going to get into the rights & wrongs of the lying. But why on earth haven't you just gone with "what a shame I let my French go so rusty" rather than going to such desperate measures? You were supposedly fluent a decade or more ago, but having not publicly uttered a word of French in the meantime surely nobody would expect you to be on top of it now?

I think it is quite funny, but in all honestly I would abandon the desperate measures and embrace your broken schoolgirl French rather than spending another moment stressing about it.

LarkDescending · 06/02/2019 16:31

Cross-posted with everyone else saying the same thing Smile

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 06/02/2019 16:33

I'd confess tbh,he'll probably find it funny.My friends now dh told her that his best friend was his brother at the start of their relationship,it was for a joke but ended up lasting a year until he came clean.She was gobsmacked and they both got an earful but she did see the funny side.

RogersVideo · 06/02/2019 16:33

Of course I would not end my marriage over this! And I bet your friend wouldn't either, if it came to it.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 06/02/2019 16:39

My dd got an A in A level French.
Our car broke down and she didn't have a clue what to say to anyone remotely French!!
Next time you are supposed to be at a class, pop out for take away for 2,tell dh you have a confession and I am sure he will see the funny side.
You didn't lie for financial gain or to make him look a fool.

poglets · 06/02/2019 16:41

This is fantastic! Sorry OP.

Sort your shit out. Why did you tell your friend?

Tell DH your French is rusty now. Go to the gym. I can't see how the two lies are related to be honest. Maybe you just like telling little untruths.

Keep up the French classes and perhaps one day you'll be fluent and it won't have a been a lie after all. 🤷‍♀️

VaggieMight · 06/02/2019 16:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 06/02/2019 16:51

Let's face it, if you posted that your DH was doing what you have, you'd get posters telling you he was having affair.

There would be many who would say that they couldn't trust him again and what else is he lying about.

Don't confess to just sitting in your car, start the gym.

I did French amd German at school, and some Afrikaans. But I can't remember any of it.

LatentPhase · 06/02/2019 16:52

Wow you’ve got yourself in a right pickle! End a marriage? Er no (your friend sounds a bit uptight, although horses for courses and all that). It’s a white lie that’s got out of hand. I think it’s hilarious! Just tell him!

thecatsthecats · 06/02/2019 16:54

The original lie - harmless, small, quite funny really. My husband still surprises me by talking about the odd things he tried to impress me with that I was oblivious to at the time.

The new lie - quite funny too, but also I can't decide if it's sad that you're unable to either fess up or come up with the milder white lie that your 'fluent' French is now rusty.

Connieston · 06/02/2019 16:54

Tell him about the classes but say it's to brush up as you're so rusty you don't remember a thing these days. Arse covered and all's good and don't tell porkies in the future!

ltk · 06/02/2019 16:55

Why are you doing this? I mean, I understand the initial lie, but why keep it up? It's not like his love for you was built on your linguistic ability!

Why do you fear him knowing the truth?

Nodrama999 · 06/02/2019 16:57

He probably already knows, my dad used to tell people he could speak Irish, anyway, someone came in the pub and he was left to look like a right idiot.
Just tell him what you said above, it’s not like people don’t extend the truth when first starting out, I think he will probably laugh, if it was me I’d make you (jokingly) finish the course as pay back 😂

Gunpowder · 06/02/2019 16:57

Grin My DH would find this hysterical! I would cook him a posh French supper and fess up. My French was pretty fluent 18 years ago and now is more menu French than anything else, so it’s plausible you were fluent then and now are rusty if you can’t face telling the truth.

Soubriquet · 06/02/2019 16:59

I got a c in German in my gcse’s.

I was able to confidently speak it enough to make a German friend on holiday in the Dominican Republic when I was 16.

I’m 30 now and I can only remember a few phrases. No way am I fluent at all.

Tell him your french is very rusty after not using it for a while and then either start going to the gym like you said, or tell him you’ve changed your mind about going and let him stop coming home early

Quartz2208 · 06/02/2019 16:59

My FIL is half german and claims to be fluent in that and french (he isnt). Sometimes my GCSE german and remembering zweibel and knoblauch wins out (particularly when I want to order knoblauch suppe)

I have friends who did language degrees who can now only speak conversational french only slightly better than me

If you take it you exaggerated fluency (and to be honest true fluency only comes with immersion and living there) he is well aware at the very least you exaggerated

Coupled with the passing of time your level of french sounds within the realms of normalcy

What I would be upset by is how you are handling it now not some comment 10 years ago

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 06/02/2019 17:00

I'd be pissed off with you about the second bit. Having to come home early to accommodate you is a bit much if not necessary.

What if someone mentions seeing you? He's going to think you're having an affair.

I'd come clean before things get worse.