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Original poster

Do I ask my dd if she is pregnant and risk upsetting her if she is not?

157 replies

fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:19

Dd 25 really lovely and I think we have a close and loving relationship. She has a decent job in finance, her own home and a long term relationship with a decent man also in finance who she calls her soulmate. They don't live together dd likes her independence as does he and dd has said they plan to marry before amalgamating homes and finances.
Dd is small about five foot three and a tiny frame and size 6 and always has been. For the past few weeks I have been noticing she has a growing tum but she isn't putting on weight elsewhere and is still wearing her size 6 dresses but with a growing tum. Last night when she came for dinner I noticed her tum is even bigger and her brother text me later having noticed it too. The two of them are very close and I would have expected her to confide in him if she couldn't me and likewise he would expect that she would confide in me.
If she is pregnant it wouldn't be the end of the world, she has a home, a career, a man she loves and who loves her and a family who would support her so there would be no reason to hide it. If she isn't then I think she needs to see a doctor because she doesn't look like she has gained weight elsewhere but pointing out how big her tum is will upset her I think. She likes being slim, she likes that she dresses well, she will be well aware of her growing tum and that's why I think it's strange she hasn't mentioned it because previously she would say "oh I ate too much on holiday and put on a couple of pounds" or "I need to eat better I'm looking scrawny again" (because she loses weight quickly and easily if she gets busy and doesn't eat well)
So what do I do? I don't want her to be upset, I don't want her to think she needs to hide anything and most of all I'm worried if she isn't pregnant about the reason why she has a tum about the same size as Meghan Markle.

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 31/01/2019 08:22

You stay out of it. Maybe she is and wants time to go through any screening and consider options before she tells anyone. Maybe she isn’t but like you say will already be aware of it and no doubt can seek help if she wants to. This is one of those she’ll tell you when she is ready things.

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2019 08:22

Yes I think I would. Only you know your relationship and whether a jokey "is there something you're not telling us?" or a concerned question would be best. We have family and friends to look out for us, you're not some stranger.

SoupDragon · 31/01/2019 08:23

has a tum about the same size as Meghan Markle.

Meghan Markle has a huge bump!

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RestingBitchFaced · 31/01/2019 08:23

Oh that's a difficult one. Maybe talk about babies/someone else being pregnant and see her reaction?

Original poster
fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:28

We are really close, that's why I can't understand her not talking to me, she pops in three or four times a week, we often go shopping together on a Saturday. If she was waiting for screening then I'm sure she would confide as she has a brother and sister with disabilities so she would know that I'd have her back no matter what and we have talked about that previously

OP posts:
Original poster
fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:31

Yes I know MM has a huge bump and dd's bump is big considering she is tiny and had a tum as flat as a pancake previously. It doesn't look like a flabby belly it's a big round bump.

OP posts:
user1492346620 · 31/01/2019 08:32

Tough one
If you do have a good relationship as you say then even if she were to get upset I'm sure you will sort things out
I have a good relationship with my mum and if she said something to upset me unintentionally I might get upset or angry with her but we could talk things through as well so it would end up being ok

Does that make sense?? Sorry I've just finished a night shift so a bit fuzzy!

wtftodo · 31/01/2019 08:36

I would raise it but not assume / joke about pregnancy. She could have a fibroid - I looked (and measured) 5months pregnant with mine. Or could have bloating, a cyst, etc. Maybe mention in a “you’re always so slim and still are but your abdomen looks a bit sore/bloated/swollen, everything ok?”

Whisky2014 · 31/01/2019 08:36

Yeh id ask her.

Original poster
fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:38

I'm going to hers on Saturday to help put some curtains up so I'll chat generally and see if everything is ok and give her the chance to confide if she wants to. I'm not going to ask her direct because if she doesn't feel ready to tell me I don't want to put her on the spot. Maybe in her own home when there is no chance of being overheard will make her feel comfortable talking to me. I'll take something nice to eat with me so we have to sit down as well.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 31/01/2019 08:38

Difficult situation. Is it possible she could be in denial about a pregnancy, concealing it? You say she likes her independence and doesn't live with her boyfriend. I think if you are as close as you appear then a gently worded question should be ok.

GertrudeWilloughby · 31/01/2019 08:38

Sorry, but she's 25 not 15. If she wants you to know something she'll tell you. No matter how close the relationship you have, prying into her business really isn't on.

Porpoises · 31/01/2019 08:40

Agree with wtftodo. Also it's very unlikely at her age, but at worst that can be a symptom of ovarian cancer. If she's not pregnant she should be checked out by a doctor.

purplemirrors · 31/01/2019 08:40

How very strange.

BerylStreep · 31/01/2019 08:41

If she isn't pregnant, it could be something else, potentially including ovarian cancer. She needs to get it checked out if it isn't a pregnancy.

ItsameAmario · 31/01/2019 08:43

Do you know anyone mutually that is recently pregnant?

Could you open the conversation that way? "oh soandsos daughter xyz is expecting a baby. How lovely. Are you thinking of starting a family any time soon. I would love to have a gc"

But not so directly.

PickleFish · 31/01/2019 08:43

I wouldn't. She obviously has chosen not to tell you, for whatever reason. As long as you give her time and space to bring up anything she wants to, there doesn't seem to be any need to push for information or try to get her to divulge. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then someone asking even gentle questions about being OK then just puts her in the position of having to lie or cover up, and that's awkward for you both. You might want to know, but you don't need to, until she's at the point where she wants support. Even if she's ill with something else, it's still her private information until she wants others involved, and although I can completely see why you'd be concerned, I don't think you should try to get her to tell you. If you've been close in the past, then she obviously knows she can talk to you if she wants, and has decided not to at this time. I think it's worth respecting that. Maybe if you just spend some time together, she will decide herself that the time is right.

Original poster
fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:44

I'm definitely not prying, I'm worried about her, more that she might be ill than pregnant tbh. Yes she's 25 and I never interfere or offer my thoughts unless asked, she's feisty so wouldn't dare if I'm honest but I would hope that she knows that I would be there for her no matter what.

OP posts:
ragged · 31/01/2019 08:46

I'd ask. DD wouldn't get upset that I did.

Original poster
fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:49

Oh God no I'm not saying anything about a grandchild she'd hate it and she'd know that I was fishing. I'll go and put her curtains up and chat like we always do and if she has anything to tell me she can and if not then I will carry on as we always have. Yes definitely not asking nor probing you've made my mind up.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 31/01/2019 08:49

Why do you want to know so badly? She's 25 with a steady relationship and a decent job, it's not some kind of emergency you need to deal with ASAP.

PickleFish · 31/01/2019 08:49

Nonetheless, even if she's ill, it's still her business for now. I would be worried about her too. But she has to choose what to share, and asking if she's OK just puts her in a difficult position. She will undoubtedly know she's put on weight, and if she's waiting for scans or appointments or whatever, she might want to do it privately. Some people are like that until they know exactly what is going on, and would rather worry to themselves, and however gently someone pushes for information, asking if you're OK or whatever, ends up just being awkward and intrusive. I'm sure she does know that you would be there for her, as you say you've been so close in the past, so it's just a matter of waiting until she decides to talk about it.

Ifangyow · 31/01/2019 08:50

There is only you who knows your daughter well enough to know how she will react to the question, however, as hard as it is to bite your tongue, I would sit it out and wait for her to confide in me.
I would imagine that she will eventually confide in you, but in her own time.
It's hard, but it may be beneficial to both of you to say nothing.

mummmy2017 · 31/01/2019 08:50

Just tell her of a friend who is going to be a granny, and how nice it is to see life blooming in spring time.

That you saw some snowdrops...
That it is nice to know the winter will end.

Then wait, if she is and wants you to know she will speak up

Pfingstrose · 31/01/2019 08:51

Tough one. I think I'd be inclined to wait for her to raise it. A very slim work colleague of mine developed a bit of a pot belly... I was stood next to her when someone once asked her when she was due and I still squirm recalling the memory some 15 years later- she was terribly upset and then doubly self conscious.

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