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Original poster

Do I ask my dd if she is pregnant and risk upsetting her if she is not?

157 replies

fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:19

Dd 25 really lovely and I think we have a close and loving relationship. She has a decent job in finance, her own home and a long term relationship with a decent man also in finance who she calls her soulmate. They don't live together dd likes her independence as does he and dd has said they plan to marry before amalgamating homes and finances.
Dd is small about five foot three and a tiny frame and size 6 and always has been. For the past few weeks I have been noticing she has a growing tum but she isn't putting on weight elsewhere and is still wearing her size 6 dresses but with a growing tum. Last night when she came for dinner I noticed her tum is even bigger and her brother text me later having noticed it too. The two of them are very close and I would have expected her to confide in him if she couldn't me and likewise he would expect that she would confide in me.
If she is pregnant it wouldn't be the end of the world, she has a home, a career, a man she loves and who loves her and a family who would support her so there would be no reason to hide it. If she isn't then I think she needs to see a doctor because she doesn't look like she has gained weight elsewhere but pointing out how big her tum is will upset her I think. She likes being slim, she likes that she dresses well, she will be well aware of her growing tum and that's why I think it's strange she hasn't mentioned it because previously she would say "oh I ate too much on holiday and put on a couple of pounds" or "I need to eat better I'm looking scrawny again" (because she loses weight quickly and easily if she gets busy and doesn't eat well)
So what do I do? I don't want her to be upset, I don't want her to think she needs to hide anything and most of all I'm worried if she isn't pregnant about the reason why she has a tum about the same size as Meghan Markle.

OP posts:
llangennith · 31/01/2019 09:23

I'd mention it if I had concerns about either of my adult DDs. You obviously have a lovely close relationship with her, which a lot of people on MN seem to find strange🙄
Your DD may not be pregnant but she may be concerned that she's got a pot belly and not know that there could be medical causes for this. Not sure how I'd bring it up, maybe say her skirt looks a bit tight? I really don't know but I think you're right to be concerned. Good luck!

NutElla5x · 31/01/2019 09:23

I have a daughter the same age and I would just ask her outright.If you're as close as you say, and providing she hasn't got an eating disorder that would make her extra sensitive about her weight I don't see why you wouldn't.

rainbowstardrops · 31/01/2019 09:26

It's a bit odd isn't it.
I mean, your DD will obviously be aware that she's looking different so as you say you're close, I wonder why she hasn't said

a) Mum, I'm pregnant. (Surely if she wanted to keep it quiet for a bit then she'd try to dress to conceal it a bit?)

b) Mum, I've been feeling a bit crap and my stomach is bloated. Should I go to the Dr?

c) Mum, just look at me - I've been eating way too much crap since Christmas

It's odd that she hasn't mentioned anything

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Oooarrnamechange · 31/01/2019 09:28

OMFG stay out of it. Are you serious?

Would you want to be asked that?

So rude and she’s your daughter, you don’t own her.

Oooarrnamechange · 31/01/2019 09:30

Besides it’s her body she obviously knows it’s there. It’s up to her if she wants to go to a dr about it.

titchy · 31/01/2019 09:30

Because she might be pregnant and unsure and in need of support. On the other hand she might not be and might not be aware that looking pregnant in a short space of time is a symptom of cancer. Who wouldn't want to make sure their dd was aware of that.

Oooarrnamechange · 31/01/2019 09:34

Yeah but she’s 25 she’s not 15. I really hate mothers like this

SirVixofVixHall · 31/01/2019 09:35

I would just ask about it. That would be normal in my family, we are straightforward with each other.
Are you most worried that she will be offended ? You are close, I am sure she feels loved and won’t be hurt.

diddl · 31/01/2019 09:36

Jeez if she is she'll tell you when he's ready.

She has a partner she can talk to if need be.

"OMFG stay out of it. Are you serious?"

But definitely this ^^

CaMePlaitPas · 31/01/2019 09:37

Your use of the word "tum" makes me cringe.

Please stay out of your daughter's weight gain.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/01/2019 09:38

This is your daughter, of course you should speak to her. If she was pregnant and wanted to hide it, she'd go out of her way, to do so.
Do take a bottle of wine round, and speak to her.
She could simply have developed something like IBS, or she could have Ovarian cancer, and not know how to tell you, it doesn't discriminate.
You don't even need to mention pregnancy, just tell her that you've noticed, as has her brother, that her stomach is slightly extended, and you are concerned. Then sit back, and calmly take whatever she throws at you.
You are her Mother, she may very well need you.

ElevenSmiles · 31/01/2019 09:39

I have daughters in their twenties...I would ask.

VanGoghsDog · 31/01/2019 09:44

It's possible she is but doesn't know/is in denial.

I work in HR and had a manager phone me once and say "one of my staff is pregnant" I said yeah, OK, so......you know the process (I was Head of HR, payroll dealt with maternity directly with the managers).

She said "no, I mean, I know she's pregnant, but she doesn't, I've asked her and she says she's not, but she is, I know she is, I've had five kids and seven grandchildren, I know what pregnant looks lie.....what do I do?" - this woman was not 17, she was mid twenties. We decided the manager would say she had a health and safety concern and needed the employee to visit her GP.

In the end, it turned out she was quite far into her pregnancy and we supported her, of course, but that was a first for me!

AvaTheGardener · 31/01/2019 09:44

As a PP has said, it could be fibroids. I had nearly 2kg of fibroids taken out when I was about 30 which the consultant said was equal to 'a 4 month pregnancy' (sensitive, considering they can lead to fertility issues if they start blocking up the uterus). They're benign, and something like 80% of women have them at some point but most don't notice unless they grow very large or start causing problems like heavy periods.

I'm not sure how you can bring it up without risking causing offence but if it is fibroids then they're relatively easy to deal with, compared with something like ovarian cancer.

Auntiepatricia · 31/01/2019 09:49

It’s your daughter. Ask her. All these people who say stay out of it, so weird assuming you have a healthy relationship. If I looked pregnant my mum would keep quiet a while to give me a chance to tell her in my own time but after a while would just say ‘pet, your tummy is growing, are you expecting because if not I’m worried you might have a fibroid or something’.

I really do wonder what kind of relationship most people have with their mums!

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 31/01/2019 09:49

If you are worried about her then you should say something. She might just be getting fat, she might be pregnant or she might have something more serious wrong with her. If it's that noticeable it's better to say something than regret it. Ovarian cancer has been in the news recently after that poor weather lady died at Christmas. Posts about it with the symptoms have been on my FB and newsfeeds a lot. You could use that as an excuse.
A friend of mine had the opposite- got thinner but slowly and everyone worried about her but she didn't mention it and therefore no-one wanted to say anything so told her she looked great- assuming she was on a diet and that was the right thing to say. She wasn't and it turned out to be a lot more serious.

NannyRed · 31/01/2019 09:50

I’d leave it, if she is pregnant and she hasn’t told you it’s for a reason. If she isn’t, you’ll risk offending or upsetting her, if she is, she’ll tell you in her own time.

Mishappening · 31/01/2019 09:54

Two of my DDs had ovarian cysts and their tums got quite big. It sounds as if you have a good relationship with her and she would tell you if she were pregnant. I think you need to bide your time a bit.

Auntiepatricia · 31/01/2019 09:55

If she is pregnant and hasn’t told you maybe it’s bevause she is needing support and is freaking out. That’s a possibility too. Some people find it very hard to cope with being pregnant. On my first I was weirdly mortified even though it was much wanted and planned. I found it hard to tell people and was relieved when that part was over. Maybe she’s not pregnant and putting on weight and in that case if it was me I still wouldn’t be upset about mum asking. It’s a relevant question! I don’t expect my loved ones to ignore major changes in me either physically or behaviour wise. That’s what they are there for, to notice and help me. I’m always amazed at how unhappy people on mumsnet are, how complicated their relationships with family are etc and often people ask who has a good healthy relationship with their parents/family, who has good self esteem and confidence, who is happy in life and resilient and those are always me. And it’s hugely down to my parents being so good and kind and most of all noticing and responding to me.

legolimb · 31/01/2019 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuimReaper · 31/01/2019 09:57

On the other hand she might not be and might not be aware that looking pregnant in a short space of time is a symptom of cancer. Who wouldn't want to make sure their dd was aware of that.

Oh come on, she's a 25-year-old woman! It goes:

  • Unexpected swollen abdomen
  • Rule out pregnancy
  • If not pregnant, Google it.

She'll know about the possibility of ovarian cancer and fibroids in less time than it would take for OP to get the words out of her mouth. She's not a child, OP doesn't seem to think she's the type to be oblivious / in denial of her changing body shape, and there isn't anything OP can tell her that she won't already have found out for herself. If she is pregnant, or - heaven forbid - unwell, then you should trust and respect that she has her own reasons for not bringing it up herself.

GB54 · 31/01/2019 10:02

I wouldn’t. I’ve had ovarian cysts before and the bloating made me look pregnant, I didn’t tell my mum as it wasn’t serious and I could deal with it myself but she (and others) asked if I was pregnant and it upset me to realise how noticeable it was.
If she is pregnant then she’ll tell you when she’s ready.

SapphireFire · 31/01/2019 10:03

I'm going totally against the grain here and I think you should definitely ask. The weird thing is that she's still coming round, not concealing a bump, which suggests she's in denial one way or another with either illness or pregnancy. I'm going with illness btw. I can't imagine that she wouldn't hide a bump otherwise.

BlackPrism · 31/01/2019 10:03

I'm in my mid-20s. I'd ask, just in case she doesn't know the cancer risk. She's your daughter, if you don't tell her who will?

SapphireFire · 31/01/2019 10:04

**would hide a bump