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Original poster

Do I ask my dd if she is pregnant and risk upsetting her if she is not?

157 replies

fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:19

Dd 25 really lovely and I think we have a close and loving relationship. She has a decent job in finance, her own home and a long term relationship with a decent man also in finance who she calls her soulmate. They don't live together dd likes her independence as does he and dd has said they plan to marry before amalgamating homes and finances.
Dd is small about five foot three and a tiny frame and size 6 and always has been. For the past few weeks I have been noticing she has a growing tum but she isn't putting on weight elsewhere and is still wearing her size 6 dresses but with a growing tum. Last night when she came for dinner I noticed her tum is even bigger and her brother text me later having noticed it too. The two of them are very close and I would have expected her to confide in him if she couldn't me and likewise he would expect that she would confide in me.
If she is pregnant it wouldn't be the end of the world, she has a home, a career, a man she loves and who loves her and a family who would support her so there would be no reason to hide it. If she isn't then I think she needs to see a doctor because she doesn't look like she has gained weight elsewhere but pointing out how big her tum is will upset her I think. She likes being slim, she likes that she dresses well, she will be well aware of her growing tum and that's why I think it's strange she hasn't mentioned it because previously she would say "oh I ate too much on holiday and put on a couple of pounds" or "I need to eat better I'm looking scrawny again" (because she loses weight quickly and easily if she gets busy and doesn't eat well)
So what do I do? I don't want her to be upset, I don't want her to think she needs to hide anything and most of all I'm worried if she isn't pregnant about the reason why she has a tum about the same size as Meghan Markle.

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 31/01/2019 11:32

Poor girl, just because she is 25 doesn’t mean she doesn’t (mightn’t) need her mum. I’m 32 and would be gutted if my mum didn’t ask me about a major change in my body.

trulybadlydeeply · 31/01/2019 11:35

If she is a size 6 and has a bump the size of MM's, then there's something causing it. It could be any number of things - pregnancy of course, but also a variety of health conditions. How is her health otherwise? Any GI problems, is she on any long term meds or had a change of meds recently?

I think in your position I would definitely say something. You don't have to ask if she is pregnant, just say that you have noticed that although she doesn't appear to have put on weight (presumably she is still in her size 6 clothes) but that her shape has changed, and is she feeling ok? If you feel uncomfortable about saying this when you meet, could you message her? That way if she doesn't want to share information with you she can send a breezy "no, I'm fine thanks!" back, whereas she may be caught off guard FTF.

The only other thing I noticed is that you said a pregnancy "would be the end of the world", and you don't sound very positive about the prospect. She has a home, career, and LTR and whilst they don't live together currently, she sounds in a good position to have a child. I wonder if there is the possibility she is worried about telling you?

trulybadlydeeply · 31/01/2019 11:36

wouldn't be the end of the world...

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Imperfectsusan · 31/01/2019 11:36

I'd mention it. I knew someone who looked similar and it was a large water filled cyst.

BlackPrism · 31/01/2019 14:01

@trulybadlydeeply she said it wouldn't be the end of the world....

My mum would say the same thing if I were pregnant at 25. It's fine but she's not even living with the father. Hardly the environment for a mother to be thrilled

trulybadlydeeply · 31/01/2019 14:28

@BlackPrism I know, that's why I immediately acknowledged my typo.

I'm not judging the OP at all for being less than thrilled about that idea (if she is!), rather I was pondering whether the DD finds herself unexpectedly pregnant, yet considers herself to be in a decent position to have a child, but also suspects that her Mum may not be entirely thrilled, then she may be reluctant to share news. When I was pg with DC1 I was married, settled etc but there was a specific situation that meant I was a bit concerned about telling certain family members. When I did tell one of them she told me I was a "stupid girl". Therefore I wanted to highlight that people might have differing opinions on a situation, none of them are wrong to be excited/concerned/upset etc, but it has the potential to really impede communication.

VanGoghsDog · 31/01/2019 16:33

It's fine but she's not even living with the father. Hardly the environment for a mother to be thrilled

None of her business. Plus 'not even living with the father' - this is 2019, right?

Auntiepatricia · 31/01/2019 16:55

VanGogh, having two parents who live together being a ‘nice to have’ is not limited to the past. Decent fathers in a relationship with the mother is not something to dismiss as completely unnecessary or nothing to aspire to. I’d very much like my daughters to parent with a good partner, living together as a family, over having to do it alone.

SoupDragon · 31/01/2019 17:24

Yes, but the father is hardly a fly-by-night, it's a long term relationship and, from the OP, dd has said they plan to marry before amalgamating homes and finances

user1498572889 · 31/01/2019 17:41

I have 2 daughters if one of them had a belly that had obviously grown I would say something. If she isn’t pregnant and has not put on weight anywhere else there could be something wrong. I would never pussy foot around asking my daughters anything. they are my children and there is nothing we can’t talk about.

mimibunz · 31/01/2019 17:49

My mum would have asked me in a concerned and loving way. But only you know your relationship well enough.

Buggerbuggerbuggerargh · 31/01/2019 17:56

Some of you obviously aren't very close to your mothers.

Mine would 100% ask me and I wouldn't be remotely offended.

It's potentially a sign of a serious illness. It would be remiss of you NOT to say anything.

Sarahandduck18 · 31/01/2019 18:07

No I’m not. I deliberately concealed my pregnancy to mine as she is very negative about having babies!

PloddingOnwards · 31/01/2019 18:48

OP did you offer to put her curtains up or did she ask you if she asked you then maybe she is pregnant and don't want to risk falling.

PickleFish · 31/01/2019 18:56

If she were close, then she knows she could choose to say something if she wanted. It's the being probed about something that she could have disclosed if she'd wanted to, but has decided not to, that people are questioning. And if they weren't close, then that's when the mother might need to ask! If they normally talk about a lot of things and are generally close, but this time the daughter hasn't said anything, then I'd assume that this time, she's decided to keep it private. If the mother really thinks that the daughter would be unaware that there could be a medical reason for gaining weight/pot belly like that, or that she really might be in denial, or that she has serious difficulty opening up to someone, then that might be an argument for making sure she does know, but I would think that most 25 year olds will know that they've gained weight, will know if they're pregnant, will know that there are symptoms that might need investigating, and be doing something about it all. And then they're perfectly able to tell their mothers or not. It's not about whether she'd be offended, really, but just about what she chooses to keep private until a time that she wants to share. And asking her even gentle questions just means she has to lie or come up with excuses or whatever.

DesertSky · 31/01/2019 19:07

Just a thought - she might be waiting for the scan before telling you and if she’s showing early perhaps it’s twins (or more!)?

VanGoghsDog · 31/01/2019 19:43

Well, a friend of mine has been married for several years and always chose to live separately to her husband, even after they had children, they still manage to maintain a family life.

It's individual choice how each person's family works. She is not 'going it alone', that's just a straw man - not living with her partner is not the same as being a single parent 'going it alone'.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2019 19:50

She’ll tell you when she’s ready.

Russell19 · 31/01/2019 19:58

If she's waiting to announce her pregnancy then by asking her you are really going to ruin a special moment for her.... if I was you I'd wait another few weeks.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 31/01/2019 20:05

Leave it. If she is, they'll tell you when they want to and if they decide to keep it.

She's 25 and an adult. No matter how close you are, there will be things like this between her and her partner that just aren't your business until told and that they discuss between them.

fannyanddick · 31/01/2019 23:39

Difficult one. I agree just try to engineer lots of time with her, ask how's she's getting on, anything happened /done this week etc. If her tummy is as big as markle then you will know for sure very soon if she's pregnant.

Sorka · 01/02/2019 00:38

Do NOT ask her if she’s pregnant. For the love of God don’t say you and her brother have discussed her body shape and concluded she’s pregnant (fat)

I say this as a woman with a slim frame but with weight on my stomach. I get (morons) people asking me if I’m pregnant, or just congratulating me, on a semi-regular basis. Nothing hides a ‘bump’ if people are determined. This is most commonly done by strangers and distant acquaintances.

Believe me, your daughter knows. If she hasn’t seen it in the mirror, you can guarantee that people like this will have let her know.

If she wanted to talk to you about it, she would have done.

Sorka · 01/02/2019 00:40

P.S. I’m on an iPad and strike through doesn’t work. It just autocorrects two hyphens into a big long line that mumsnet doesn’t recognise. I’ve made do with brackets.

fabulous01 · 01/02/2019 06:29

I would ask.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2019 07:21

@sorka I’m on an iPad and strike through doesn’t work.

On your iPad go to settings, then keyboard, then run off "smart punctuation". That will fix it!

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