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Original poster

Do I ask my dd if she is pregnant and risk upsetting her if she is not?

157 replies

fleshmarketclose · 31/01/2019 08:19

Dd 25 really lovely and I think we have a close and loving relationship. She has a decent job in finance, her own home and a long term relationship with a decent man also in finance who she calls her soulmate. They don't live together dd likes her independence as does he and dd has said they plan to marry before amalgamating homes and finances.
Dd is small about five foot three and a tiny frame and size 6 and always has been. For the past few weeks I have been noticing she has a growing tum but she isn't putting on weight elsewhere and is still wearing her size 6 dresses but with a growing tum. Last night when she came for dinner I noticed her tum is even bigger and her brother text me later having noticed it too. The two of them are very close and I would have expected her to confide in him if she couldn't me and likewise he would expect that she would confide in me.
If she is pregnant it wouldn't be the end of the world, she has a home, a career, a man she loves and who loves her and a family who would support her so there would be no reason to hide it. If she isn't then I think she needs to see a doctor because she doesn't look like she has gained weight elsewhere but pointing out how big her tum is will upset her I think. She likes being slim, she likes that she dresses well, she will be well aware of her growing tum and that's why I think it's strange she hasn't mentioned it because previously she would say "oh I ate too much on holiday and put on a couple of pounds" or "I need to eat better I'm looking scrawny again" (because she loses weight quickly and easily if she gets busy and doesn't eat well)
So what do I do? I don't want her to be upset, I don't want her to think she needs to hide anything and most of all I'm worried if she isn't pregnant about the reason why she has a tum about the same size as Meghan Markle.

OP posts:

Butterfly84 · 31/01/2019 10:09

You should ask. She may be in denial about a pregnancy and need your support.

Nousernameforme · 31/01/2019 10:11

Asking a question doesn't mean you think you own her ffs drama much.

I would ask op just come right out and say something no little hints or tricks. "DD is there something wrong"
"No why"
"Your belly is swollen have you been to the doctors?"
Who are these people who wouldn't be concerned enough to ask about their DDs health?

AverageHuman · 31/01/2019 10:15

MM is due in a few months.. of the bump is that big I think you should raise it. I would find it odd if I had a seriously protruding lump or was 6 months pregnant and no one in my family said a word. Have you noticed any other potential symptoms???

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Families

Topseyt · 31/01/2019 10:15

Say nothing. If she has anything she wants to tell you she will, in her own time.

NutElla5x · 31/01/2019 10:18

Who are these people who wouldn't be concerned enough to ask about their DDs health?

It seems people's feelings matter more than anything else these days. No wonder they call this the snowflake generation when you can't even voice your concerns to those you are close to for fear of upsetting them.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 31/01/2019 10:20

she will be well aware of her growing tum and that's why I think it's strange she hasn't mentioned it

She knows that she is either pregnant or has a health concern and has chosen not to tell you. I think you should respect the fact she hasn’t told you and wait for her to bring up the subject.

confused8 · 31/01/2019 10:22

I personally wouldn't ask just yet. My MIL (I know this is different to my DM) asked me when I was in the very early stages...we weren't ready to tell anyone at that point for various reasons. She really upset me as she was quite confrontational (not saying you would be) and I felt awful lying. I'm now quite far on and she is still upset and telling people I lied to her.

ittakes2 · 31/01/2019 10:22

No need to raise the pregnancy thing - just say her tummy looks swollen and is she OK. Tell her you have read a swollen tummy could be a sign of ovarian cancer so worth getting checked.

AverageHuman · 31/01/2019 10:24

Totally thinking out of the box but might she be pregnant by someone else if she does not live with partner? Things are not always exactly as they seem. She may need someone to confide in. You are very close and I think she would be worried about letting you down if this was the case...

AverageHuman · 31/01/2019 10:25

Ittakes2 good suggestion

BlueBuilding · 31/01/2019 10:26

Erm, if your previously very petite DD now has a very obvious swollen stomach to the point where she looks 6/7 months pregnant I think you definitely need to mention it.

It's not prying, she might need you support.

Anyone claiming they wouldn't ask their DD is lying. I mean how long do you leave it and pretend you haven't noticed?? Very strange.

MrsAird · 31/01/2019 10:28

I'd say "I feel like there's something going on with you that you're not telling me - you don't have to tell me anything, it's your life, but you know I'm here to support you whenever you want."

then if she says, no, what do you mean? you can say that you thought her tummy looks a bit swollen and is everything ok.

PerfectPeony · 31/01/2019 10:33

I’m not sensitive about my weight so I’d think nothing of my Mum/ family member pointing it out. You sound like a lovely Mum and obviously know your daughter best so it’s up to you how to approach. I do think you should find a way to bring it up though. I don’t think anyone really wants to go through pregnancy/ illness alone.

Hope she is okay!

diddl · 31/01/2019 10:36

"Who are these people who wouldn't be concerned enough to ask about their DDs health?"

It's not lack of concern-it's trusting them, as a 25yr old adult to involve me when they want to.
She has a partner she's probably talking to rather than her mum.

QuimReaper · 31/01/2019 10:40

I'm in my mid-20s. I'd ask, just in case she doesn't know the cancer risk. She's your daughter, if you don't tell her who will?

Again, Google will. What's the first thing you'd do if you had an unexplained bodily change? I'd bet my teeth you'd Google it.

hackmum · 31/01/2019 10:44

Is there anything more British than this thread? I mean, how many countries are there where a woman wouldn't, on seeing her daughter's growing bump, ask if she was pregnant? It's just bonkers. I know people are entitled to privacy, but this is the OP's own daughter - how far do people think she should take it? Wait until the daughter comes home one day without a bump and then not ask her what's happened to it for fearing of causing offence?

steppemum · 31/01/2019 10:46

My instinct is that if her tummy is so obvious she woudl expect you to notice almost a - good grief is mum blind, hasn;t she noticed YET!

So given that people on this thread have very different reactions, I think it will be 100% dependent on your relationship and how you normally communicate.

I would ask, but not in the sense of Oh how exciting - are you pregnant? But in the sense of what is going on with your tum, are you ok?

thegreylady · 31/01/2019 10:48

If it was my dd I would ask and come straight out with the reasons for asking. If you have the close loving relationship you describe she won’t resent being asked as she will know it is out of concern.

SummerGems · 31/01/2019 10:51

Good God it’s perfectly possible to ask without becoming all hysterical about cancer and health and what-not. Some of the people on this thread are setting themselves up for non existent relationships with their children if they really think that they dare not ask them anything for fear of upsetting them.

It’s very simple. She’s gained weight around her stomach. She looks pregnant, to the extent that even her brother (and let’s be honest men aren’t that observant about things so it must be bloody obvious) has noticed. So if her mother has noticed and her brother has, then her work colleagues will all have noticed and probably be gossiping about it in the office, and her friends will have noticed. So the fact that she’s got fat isn’t a secret, the reason why is but that isn’t going to change the fact.

So just ask her bloody outright - “I see you have a bit of a bump there are you pregnant?” No bleeting about cancer or cysts or fibroids or other hysterically scary health conditions. If she’s pregnant she’ll presumably say yes, if she’s not she’ll say no and the rest can come later. But if everyone is too bloody scared to mention anything then she possibly even thinks that no-one has noticed and she’s doing a good job concealing it while meanwhile everyone has noticed and is likely talking about it behind her back waiting for her to say something.

This is her mother. If she can’t ask a straightforward question then the mother daughter relationship is non existent anyway.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2019 10:52

This is very difficult. I think I'd take the approach of just asking her how she is, if everything is ok, is there anything she wishes to discuss. If she is pregnant or god forbid Ill there is a reason she doesn't feel able to talk about it.

Can you offer her wine or something and see if she declines it? So go late in the afternoon? Say let's have a couple of glasses together?

BlueBuilding · 31/01/2019 10:53

Again, Google will. What's the first thing you'd do if you had an unexplained bodily change? I'd bet my teeth you'd Google it.

Scared people don't always make the best decisions. I have a family member currently dying of cancer. She has a strained relationship with her mother and no one else felt it was their place to get involved.

It may not have made a difference, she was an adult making her own decisions, but if someone had spoken to her maybe she wouldn't be planning her son's 4th birthday from her hospice bed.

I'm not trying to say that OP's DD has a terrible illness, just that if you see a loved one struggling get involved! They might tell you to mind your own business, but atleast you tried. That's what I've learned anyway.

EachandEveryone · 31/01/2019 10:54

Bloody hell i would of course mention it she could have something potentially worrying. Sod keeping out of your own flesh and bloods business. Id just ask if she was ok as her belly looked more bloated than usual. Could be ibs or ovarian cancer. I deffo couldnt not say anything.

SummerGems · 31/01/2019 11:00

A lot of people stay away from google because of all the possibilities it throws up. Certainly if I had serious symptoms I wouldn’t look to google as my first port of call,and given the GP waiting times etc these days one could be waiting for weeks to even see a gp so there is absolutely no guarantee that someone presenting with symptoms has even googled or seen a gp....

And, if we’re going down the cancer route, there are cancers which give a positive pregnancy test

steppemum · 31/01/2019 11:14

Really agree with SummerGems
especially this:
. But if everyone is too bloody scared to mention anything then she possibly even thinks that no-one has noticed and she’s doing a good job concealing it while meanwhile everyone has noticed and is likely talking about it behind her back waiting for her to say something.

Just ask her

SemperIdem · 31/01/2019 11:20

Ask her, you’re overthinking a bit.

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