Being a single mum is proper graft isn't it - come on in single mums

[Janeyscleavage]

And no you can't join if you 'feel like a single mum because your husband works long hours'

If you're anywhere near the Central Belt in Scotland I'd love to take you out to lunch to just give you an hour away from it all. x

And yes, it's relentless - and yes, we have to keep on smiling for the kids even when we're drowning in fury and/or helplessness.

Another with no set contact. He just won’t give me dates. The oldest two go when they feel like it, the youngest two at a push one night a month if I’m lucky. He never proactively arranges anything or asks to see them, but then sends them needy text messages that he is missing them. Which doesn’t make them feel great, because it’s not their responsibility to meet his emotional needs. Makes me so fucking angry.

I used to own a recruitment company for cleaners / household staff. The good ones are AMAZING but the bad ones that cut corners like that ZigZag become a total resentful Bane of your life!

When I had them in my house, I found reframing it as I want these jobs done well each week, with other bits and bobs covered as they needed doing and I didn’t mind if they left early so long as those tasks got done.

I was Facebook stalking Ds dad last night (I know, I know) and I think he might of got married to his girlfriend. She’s certainly changed her name on fb any way..... but he wouldn’t do that and not even tell his son, would he?! This week has been so utterly surreal from start to finish.

Oh Happyinheels that sounds so bloody tough. One day at a time love, just get through till bedtime and breathe.

And lastly, we have contact - one day a month. Which Ds gets really anxious about so is incredibly touchy for a few days before hand and afterwards and I spend the day he’s away from me anxiously checking my phone in case there’s a problem and hoping he’s okay. Fun!

Same @happyinheels. In the NW here.

You don’t have unlimited reserves, but dig deep because you CAN do this.

There is no other fucking choice. Can we do anything to help? Keep sounding off here.

A friend gave me a "list" of things which should be standard, so I'll dish that out tomorrow. The last one I had had been a cleaner at Gleneagles - so I had high expectations... faded away to nothing within a couple of months and then she was ill for 5 weeks on the trot and said she'd come back when she felt strong enough. Obviously I've only seen her in the village shop since then...

Also I work from home and they always want to fucking t.a.l.k!

catscratch Of course he would do something that stupid/selfish! They have absolutely no idea of the consequences of their actions - it's us mugs who have to pick up the pieces like when your son finds out and he puts on brave face for his dad but you're the one mopping up tears for days on end.

Just sat in tears. Why would you all be so nice? You're strangers. Nice strangers.

Sadly I'm not in Scotland but thank you.

I'm sick of fighting every day. Every day I dig deep. I've got nowhere left to dig. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do.

Where are you @happyinheels? Roughly.

I’ve lent on MN strangers many times, and count many of them as real life friends now.

Routine saves me. I’m really, really fucking boring. Would it help to plan your week out, see what you can get ahead of? Two fold benefits - you will feel like you are doing something positive, and your week will run better. Pen and paper and make a list. What can you change right now that will help you?

Also, anxiety is completely debilitating. I was prescribed beta blockers - can you see your GP?

@O4FS I'm in North Yorkshire.

I've never felt this desperate. I'm scared. I've worked so hard to keep going and to keep us all safe and tried to provide that stability for the kids. I think I have enough money to get through till the end of next week but after that? Ofsted couldn't give me any time frame as to how long this is going to take. If only I could find a job that was an immediate start. Although it's half term now and I don't have any childcare.

What could I do to change my situation right now? Apart from finding a job that fits around the children that starts right away? (Which my job did) I've sold some bits and bobs on FB marketplace. I could try and sell more? Maybe on EBay? To bring in some money. I'm not sure what else I could do...

@O4FS I think it's like a heightened, functioning state of anxiety - if there is such a thing?!! The kids are out doing their own things today with their friends and I'm just sat in a kind of vegetative state of 'shit what am I gonna do?' simply because they're not here and I can breathe... if that makes sense? I don't have to pretend that everything is ok because everything really is not ok.

happy We may be but strangers - but we all know how you're feeling. Like O4FS many of my real friends started as internet friends in times of need.

I also pop a valium when it's just a touch too much.

Fwiw I had a shit-storm of social services about 4 years ago when within the space of a few months I had a mental breakdown, my youngest presented at nursery with a black eye (courtesy of his brother natch) and I left my ex due to DV (via Women's Aid). So I had police at the door escorting SS . Thankfully all resolved very quickly actually as they could see I was a "norm" just going through a shit time - my amazing HV stepped in and told them to fuck off basically. I do hope it's the same for you and that it all passes soon enough.

Youngest is sporting a black eye today actually - again from his brother. Plus ca change and all that. My eldest spent one birthday in A&E with a broken nose - from his brother.

Thank you @ZigZagZombie. You will kind of know where I'm coming from then. It's the irony that it's my job that's in jeopardy while my exh is a teacher and able to continue teaching yet the incident was with him, not me and not at my home.

It just feels like everything is an uphill battle. And I'm exhausted.

It was a Kafkaesque comedy of errors. I got called in to SS and sat down - woman came in and asked where the kids were... errr "at school". She said "and what about the other 3? I have on my notes you have 5 children"!

I tried to explain to her several times that no, I have only 2 children but she wasn't having it. I didn't want to antagonise - but at the same time... I somewhat lost my rag, suggested she was actually looking at someone else's notes (!) and demanded to speak to her supervisor. Thankfully the supervisor was very nice and I continued my "interview" with her.

Happy that all sounds dreadful and so unfair on you. Could you take on contract work doing data entry or some such from home?
I think 3 years in is a bit of a watershed to be honest. You've used up your reserves and resources and it can feel like there's nothing left. It's also when the house starts crumbling and a lot needs doing at once.
I'm nearly six months on from that and did get a bit of a second wind but am exhausted again now.
Zig I'm sorry to hear about the night time jibbering that sounds truly hellish and I sympathise. Does your son have an ADHD diagnosis I can't remember.

ohamIreally No, no diagnosis - nothing wrong apart from the fact he loves the sound of his own voice. My eldest had delayed speech... my youngest has made up for it in spades.

Oh that's good then at least Zig my DD's jibber jabber is part of the ADHD and sometimes the lack of headspace (which all of us have anyway) is enough to make me jump off a bridge.

happy I’ve atarted temping. I’ve been really up front with them about the hours I can do, but have offered to do the ad hoc stuff when people call in sick. I find they don’t call you till after 9, and because they are stuck, will accept me racing out the door at 4pm. There’s no security, but I don’t have to worry about taking holidays off and so far it seems to be working. Could you register with a few agencies? it’s weekly pay as well, so quick returns on it.

Absolutely is such a thing as heightened state of anxiety. You live with all the stress hormones racing round your body, day in, day out.

I would recommend a visit to the Gp and get on the waiting list for counselling. Are you claiming everything you can? entitledto.com if you aren’t sure.

For now, you need to get through today. Don’t think about the bigger things, what small things can you do now? Download a Mindfulness /meditation app? A walk? Just get outside and breathe? If you am calm the physical symptoms that would help maybe?

Meh....cried into my swim goggles this morning. Am desperately trying to carve out my sport time (which keeps me sane). Ds and friend were on climbing wall so I wanted to get my 25 min swim in. TWENTY FIVE minutes, that's all.
I knew it was fun session at the pool but was told there was a lane roped off. There was but it had lessons in it. So I tucked myself as far to the lane rope as I could to do my lengths but of course my path kept getting blocked by floats and children. Not doing anything wrong of course but so frustrating. Gave up after 32 lengths. It's going to be hard over 1/2 term. I have some childcare in place which is when I shall run or swim but this then means I will need to work when ds is here (awake or asleep). Long days ahead.

Just joining in. I've been a LP since DD was 3 months old. It has been gruelling and joyful in equal measure! I have sympathetic friends but I don't think anyone really gets it, apart from one friend who was also a LP for a few years. DD is the absolute centre of my universe, but goodness me, it's exhausting :)

Ahh Theorig that sounds like my idea of hell, and you were a lot more understanding of kids in the lane roped off then I would have been. Can you speak to reception and ask for another lane to be opened?

My lovely friends took Ds to a kids party this morning and have just texted to say they are kidnapping him and taking him back to their house so I can Potter for a bit longer. I am SO grateful I actually cried when they texted, but I’m also a bit lost. There’s SO much I could be doing, it’s almost a bit overwhelming! I can’t remember the last time I was on my own in the house like this - Christmas maybe?!

I wasn't in the roped off lane - that had lessons in it, so I was in the main pool just as far up to the rope as I could be. I measly foot of water I wanted.