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Original poster

Son, DIL, money (mine)

506 replies

OhdratNC · 03/01/2019 15:23

I think I might just need to suck this up but would appreciate advice.
DS was made redundant from nightmare corporate job a year ago and is now self-employed so a big drop in income but also a big drop in stress levels. Two DCs aged 11 & 7. DIL is devoted to DCs, has never had a job and doesn't want to work. I'm retired but have a good pension & some savings. I offered to subsidise the household while DS builds up his business but also asked if DIL might get a P/T job so that she could contribute to the shortfall. Suggestion didn't go down well (their relationship isn't great). Some occasional small contributions have been forthcoming but essentially I am transferring 50% of my income each month. I can manage this but it means that I either delay work needed on my house or use my savings. DS is anxious about it too but doesn't know how to get DIL to see that this is unfair. She finds change distressing and tends to be very stubborn and self-centred when she feels cornered, as she probably does in this situation.

OP posts:
DeltaG · 03/01/2019 17:32

I'm sure the feminist board would indeed have something to say about a woman whose husband got made redundant, and who herself refuses to get a job to help support her family.

NoCureForLove · 03/01/2019 17:33

You shouldn't be subsidising.
You could perhaps help in other ways if required / you want to - ie childcare.
A pt job that fits around children may not be feasible / worthwhile until both at secondary school.
Your ds may need to rethink his choices if self employment doesn't provide enough income. He may need a new job.

RosaAbsolute · 03/01/2019 17:33

It's not your place to demand your DIL gets a job. You're enabling your son by subsidising him by leaving his job. Step away from their finances and marriage.

brassbrass · 03/01/2019 17:34

Derail not detail!

jessstan2 · 03/01/2019 17:36

This is a very difficult one, Ohdrat, because you undertook to subside your and and daughter in law for a while. No criticism from me about that, I would do the same but 50% of your income is too much.

Reduce it to 25%. That would seem fair.

I wonder why daughter in law does not want to get a part time job. Is she not qualified for anything, does she lack confidence? That is possible and some are quite happy to be a housewife. They do that job well and feel it is enough. A very old fashioned idea but she's been doing it for a while so is used to it.

DeltaG · 03/01/2019 17:37

Also, the son didn't choose to leave his job, the OP clearly states that he was made redundant.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2019 17:37

The DIL is a pathetic mother who refuses to support not only herself but also her dependent children

How do you feel about fathers who spend their redundancy money setting up a vanity business which can't support their children? Its no less valid a comment to make than assuming the DiL is a lazy fecker when we only have one viewpoint and that from outside the relationship.

We have one side here, we don't know all the ins and outs or what was the basis for the previous arrangements of corporate partner/corporate spouse.

mrsmuddlepies · 03/01/2019 17:39

Brass brass, I think anyone using gender stereotypes as a term of abuse is out of order. I would never use the terms you suggest to belittle someone.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2019 17:39

REDUCE IT TO ZERO TODAY ?!

Hohocabbage · 03/01/2019 17:39

LOADS of people on mumsnet have been given hefty house deposits by parents or had inheritances or the massive step up of parents putting them through private education. It interests me that money given on a monthly basis is viewed so differently. Obviously in this case the parent cannot easily afford it but it’s not inherently different to being given money for a house or gp paying for education.

DeltaG · 03/01/2019 17:40

At least he's attempting to do something, which is more than she is; she's actively refusing to. There's also no evidence so far that it's a 'vanity project'.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2019 17:41

Also, the son didn't choose to leave his job, the OP clearly states that he was made redundant.

Redundancy can be voluntary - always lots of volunteers for higher end corporate job pay offs. Or quite possibly he was exited as struggling, which in big corporate generally comes with a decent pay off.

We only know one side and the OP herself will only know what her DS has told her.

brassbrass · 03/01/2019 17:41

DIL agreed to being funded by the OP.

Really? Not the son? It all lies at the feet of the DIL?
If the son had said 'mum stop risking your own security we'll work it out we won't accept any money from you' do you think OP would have been funding them for a year?! He's been taking it hand over fist without sorting it out in his marriage!!

Petalflowers · 03/01/2019 17:42

Hoho - I think there is a difference because the house depositsmor inheritances are given by people who can afford it. Although OP says she can manage at the moment, it means using her savings or delaying house renovations.

Also, in this situation, the DIL could contribute but refuses to. I think that’s a big difference compared to windfall cash donations.

Hohocabbage · 03/01/2019 17:42

What are the occasional small contributions by the way that the dil has been able to make?

LittlePaintBox · 03/01/2019 17:43

It's not that easy for her to get a job just like that, unless she has a qualification for working in a shortage area, and she also has to take childcare into account.

I think you just have to be honest and say you can't carry on giving them money, because you need to sort out your house. But that maybe you could help with after school care etc, as a pp has suggested.

TatianaLarina · 03/01/2019 17:44

Really? Not the son? It all lies at the feet of the DIL?

What? They both agreed. If DIL had refused point blank to accept a penny from OP, then DS would have been obliged to refuse it.

BBCONEANDTWO · 03/01/2019 17:45

Your son would be better finding a proper job - it might be stressful but unfortunately if you want a good standard of living that might be what's needed.

Regarding your DIL it's up to them whether she works or not and I don't think it's up to you to suggest it. It's your son who needs to deal with it.

HeyArthur · 03/01/2019 17:46

Would everyone just calm down the dil will be fine once she gets job. It's not exactly out of the realms of reality to expect someone who has dc at school to start looking for work especially when finances are in the toilet!

I would suggest she looks into starting her own business and childminding is right up her street if she's so good with kids.

Bluelady · 03/01/2019 17:46

Only on MN could a woman sit on her arse, having had a meal ticket for at least 11 years and it be her husband's fault. What a bastard for supporting her laziness all that time.

Confusedbeetle · 03/01/2019 17:47

You should be giving them money. An occasional lump present is one thing but subsidising them in this way gives all the wrong messages and will not help their relationship or yours one bit

brassbrass · 03/01/2019 17:48

There's no evidence either way just OP's quite biased judgement of their relationship fed to her by the son.

Hohocabbage · 03/01/2019 17:49

Bluelady that’s more a reflection on your issues, that you have such a low opinion of sahm across the board. (and I repeat, have never been one myself)

StoorieHoose · 03/01/2019 17:49

Lots of projecting going on through this thread!

PrincessScarlett · 03/01/2019 17:49

Maybe DIL is at the end of her tether with DH frittering his redundancy away on a failing business rather than securing the roof over his wife and children's heads.

We only have OP's version from her DS. In any event OP is enabling DS (and DIL) to not address the real problems in their marriage.