Could someone please explain what a narcissistic person is like in real life?

[3hoursaway]

I'm not sure I fully understand and I see it said on here quite often

There’s hardly going to be a one size fits is there

It takes many forms.

What are some of the many forms?

Why don’t you google ‘narcissistic traits’?

Because I asked for real life accounts.

Look on the relationships topic. Plenty of accounts there.

My DD offered to help me move house, we left the clean and the rubbish in the old house to do after Xmas, her boyfriend was there as well, all they did was eat and sleep, last night she caused a row and stormed off, as she doesn't need anything from me, and doesn't see why she should keep a promise, so now I am alone with loads of stuff to do in one day....

@MyPoodleisWorthTenofYou the criteria for diagnosis is very specific, so although people with NPD gave differing personalities, their narcissistic traits are the same. There is often a comorbidity and it can be hard to differentiate between antisocial personality disorder etc

Well I’ll give you a trait my mother has then. This is just one.

She only talks about herself. Every conversation she steers back towards herself. She is totally incapable of a give and take conversation or being genuinely interested in what someone has to say. She can only think about how the conversation can come back round to her again.

Well they are all different just as non-narcissists are. I can only tell you about the one I am related to.
Speaks in monologues about himself and only himself.
Never asks questions of others as to what they are up to.
Shows zero interest in his grandchildren.
Shares full intimate details of all ailments but has no clue, interest or compassion for anyone else who may be gravely ill. They are 'putting it on'.
Aggrandizes anything you do for the sake of boasting to his cronies. (eg I once had a work meeting for half a day in Italy and he told all his friends I now worked in Italy because this sounded impressive.)
Uses people horrendously then mocks and laughs about them behind their backs.
Has a harem of unpaid skivvies who think they are his friends, who are around just to run his errands, do his DIY, pay for his drinks and taxis. Mystifyingly to me, they never seem to notice they are being used and keep coming back for more.
Lets everyone else pay for him all the time because others are there to serve his grandiosity, not people in their own right, with needs.
Gets furious if anyone disagrees with him about anything, however minor. He can sulk for months if you so much as dislike his favourite wine.
Gets furious if anyone except himself expresses any mood other than pure joy at all of life at all times. he alone has the right to be angry, bitter, self pitying. Anyone who doesn't have a smile plastered to their face but dares need a listening ear or a helping hand for even a brief time is treated with revulsion. Especially true of his family who must present a beaming, glowing successful front to the world at all times in case they show him up.
Gets furious with introverts too. Everyone must join his gregarious entourage.
His opinion is the only valid opinion on anything ever.
His version of events is the only true one, however distorted.
Superficial massive charm. Presents a front to the world of a wonderful, outgoing, fun loving person, maybe a bit eccentric but 'wonderful company'. People flock to him.

That's all I can be arsed to recall right now.

Read some of my previous threads op, you’ll get the jist...

My mother in law is a narc and it is horrific. We haven’t spoken since April as I finally snapped and called her out on her behaviour. She has done so many awful things to mention but the over arching theme is she can not think about the feelings of anyone other than herself. Everything is about what she wants all the time. She is completely self focused and unhelpful. Won’t lift a finger to help with kids unless absolutely begged too. Spends a fortune on holidays and fancy clothes her poor husband is physically killing him self to provide for her despite being repeatedly told this- but doesn’t care as her needs go above all else. Excludes me deliberately and delights in knowing I am upset. Just really awful nasty behaviour with no remorse what so ever.

Some of the following:
MeMeMe- look at me, this is what I do that is good, listen to me, you should do things for me, why aren't you nicer/kinder, prettier, more helpful to me?Don't you know how lucky you are to have me? Look at everything I do for you? You don't appreciate me.
Vain
No humility
Selfish
Self-pitying
Virtue-signaller
Promotes one set of values for effect but lives another in reality
Creates self-image which they promote to others
Controlling
Wants own way
Emotionally manipulative
Can only see own point of view
Puts self first
Has sense of humour failure where self is concerned.
Often appears quite charming to others

My ex is a narc his are,,,
No empathy for anyone, not even me,
Selfish
Charming
Emotionally manipulative
Gets quite defensive when you challenge his behaviour and projects onto you,

That's naming a few

Lulu- you have described my mother in law to a tee

Yes, Lulu has described my dad too. I forgot the virtue signalling, the 'why can't you be more...' and most of all promoting on eset of values but living another. My dad is an outspoken socialist who pays less than minimum wage or nothing at all to people who work hours every day for him despite him being extremely wealthy and them being breadline poor.
The constant self pity is the most repulsive aspect though.

My personal experience is that nothing is their fault ever.

Had a car bump when I wasn't in the car, my fault for not getting up quickly enough in the night to the baby.
Fell up a step, my fault because he was mad at me about something that happened earlier that day.
I made him hit me because I didn't show him enough respect.

Everything was about how he was perceived.
I was very depressed but was literally dressed and shoved in the car to attend a party, told to cheer the fuck up or else. How would it look to his friends, never mind the wife who just wanted to go home and crawl into bed.

They are expirts at gaslighting.
And yes they always steer every conversation back to them.
My MIL is a text book narc. A couple of years ago I had my thyroid gland removed. She rang me up to see if I needed anything, very kindly picked up some pain killers for me but then spent the whole visit telling me how she had injured her neck when she tripped up a step at church. FFS I had had major surgery 2 days before.
DH is her scapegoat and is pretty much NC with her. He dropped in on Christmas Day and had to leave after 30mins, I had to talk him down for nearly an hour on his return.
A narcissistic mother is bewildering for most children. They have a very obvious favourite, my BIL in DH’s case.
I thinks it’s the unpredictability that is difficult to deal with. In public they come across as the perfect individual, their need to be adored means that their public behaviour is very stage managed. It’s only when you see through the veneer and call them out you see their true character.
Empathy is fake. During a conversation with my BIL wife about the latest Mama-Mia film I asked if I would need a box of tissues to watch it. We laughed about how much one of the songs from the first film made us sob. MIL was very condescending and couldn’t understand why we would cry over a song. She frequently berates me for crying when she upsets me.
Sorry about the long post but traits on paper are difficult to describe in RL. I worry that DH has narc traits but some of his behaviour is just learnt because it’s all he’s known. I think it is his profound empathy that led to him being her scapegoat. A narc will gain the most energy from the one who shows the most emotional hurt. Some one has said that they are like “dementors “ from Harry Potter disguised as normal human beings. They suck the joy out of you and deflate every happy feeling you have.

What amazes me is how my mother’s mood can infiltrate the entire house. Her anger/sadness/whatever seeps out of the walls.

Self centred, whole world revolves around them and the whole world is there to serve them alone.
Manipulative.
Nothing is ever their fault, will twist and fabricate things to make it not their fault.
Don’t care anything about anyone else, family, friends no one else matter.
The narc that I know has pictures of herself on every wall in her home, not a single picture of her kids or family.
face book is shear heaven for “look at me” style posts, selfies, attention seeking postings.
Unashamedly uses people around her for her own ends, people (someone mentioned further up) who willingly jump at their beck and call for some strange reason.
Has illnesses that command immediate attention from all around her, thinks nothing of calling out ambulances for minor ailments and cannot understand the consequences to people really in need, absolutely cannot and does not get it. Truly believes thT the ambulance service is on standby for her every call.
Also, thinks nothing of suing any one for anything just sees compensation and financial gain no matter the affect on the person or people at the end of her claims.
Everything they do, they do for their own wellbeing and their own gain otherwise they just won’t do it.
Nasty nasty selfish bastards.

There are many traits, however the best way someone described it to me was that when they leave a room the people in it cease to exist

Outside to nearly everybody else my ex-H was charismatic, fun, hilarious, generous and someone you want to be around.

Inside and to people that knew him intimately, his mask came off and his default was just blah with an undercurrent of contempt and vile.

Dark humor, brutal honesty, cruel jokes, including a nice horrible nickname - Fatty was mine.
Blaming - he accidentally knocks over a vase, it's my fault for putting it in a stupid place (on the window sill )
Projecting - the majority of the horrible things he said basically could be used to describe himself and his behavior
Crazy Making - would throw a verbal hand grenade and then act like he doesn't know what all the fuss is about and that you are the one making something out of nothing. Also, would do things to disappoint on purpose but it could also be a simple mistake so even though you feel its off (and done on purpose) its enough to make you question yourself and send yourself crazy.
Gas Lighting - swearing that he hasn't done something that he quite blatantly has, arguing that the sky is green when its quite obvious that its blue but to the point you wonder how someone can be so sure about something, that it makes you wonder if you could be wrong.
Triangulation - they have something or someone which they like to make you jealous with, mine was a "crazy" woman from work who would throw themselves at him/stalk him online. Of course, it turns out to be hogwash, he was doing the pursuing and also telling her I am the crazy one.

There is so, so much more and little wonder why it takes years to heal from the neverending torrent of disordered behavior and relentless mind games targeted at their chosen victim.

Ofc, every now and then they will put their mask back on and be that wonderful individual the world gets to see and the one that we got suckered in by. Just a crumb to give us hope that all is well again.

There are also different dynamics for different types of relationships and where they are in the Cluster B Personality family. If you haven't been in an intimate relationship with one or had one in your immediate family then perhaps you have only ever seen one with their mask on which is very different to a narc without one.

I second the one where nothing is their fault, everyone else is to blame. It took counselling for me to discover he was a narc, it was glaring obvious to my councillor but not to me.
He gambled and smoked weed every day too, and then he called me controlling and said I was money focussed, my councillor said of course you was if he was wasting it all the time on gambling and weed smoking, now I'm out of the relationship I can now see it for what it is.

I have often wondered this about a close relative OP. I can see why you asked. It's a term used almost constantly now and one that has been suggested to me for this relative of mine. However, I am increasingly thinking it's other issues in addition to the narc traits.

But re the Narc traits: being around this person for me feels like being with someone who is bleeding profusely but refuses to get any help. Or maybe more - someone with an infectious disease that could/is affecting others but won't get help. "I'm fine." "No, you're not fine, take medicine/phone a doctor." "No...okay well maybe if it's no trouble" hours later you're in the pharmacy. The charade is part of the attention seeking though and the unwellness. It's not becuase they don't need to be helped, they enjoy the coaxing and the concern. It would be better for everyone to just address it but it can't be that straightforward. That's for me how emotionally/mentally it 'feels'.

While I feel it might sort of help me to know it's 'something' rather than her just being difficult but this also means expending energy on THEM, hence they are sucking more out of you, rather than your OWN MENTAL HEALTH which is what you need to address (if you have a person like this in your life - I don't know why you asked.)

Things I have experienced with this person which I believe to be straight out narc symptoms include:

1. making every event about them - including other people's milestones (graduations, christenings, births, weddings), to varying degrees of disruptiveness.

Illnesses and wanting information on people's personal lives/input on their decisions is also part of this although not a 'milestone.' Basically, tell me everything because HOW I FEEL about it is one of the most important factors of the whole proceeding.

2. claiming to have genuine concern about others' wellbeing but when you unpick the story they enjoy the misfortune somehow. This part is quite weird - this relative wants to ride in on a white horse to 'save' people but it's about her somehow and getting off on being seen to do a good deed

3. Bitching about the same people in the next breath. Being quite certain they're jealous of you in some way, can't do things quite as well as you. In the case of the person I am speaking of, it doesn't present in a flashy way, so it's a bit weird.

4. An absolute pathological resistance to criticism. Cannot see for a moment how something might be her fault. Cannot assess the impact of her behaviour. Any attempt to check this is met with "Be nice to me, be nice to me!"

5. Claims to be very empathetic/unselfish. This is the core part of the identity. Everybody else is selfish though.

Basically - the person has no boundaries and expects YOU not to have any. It's this part that makes me less sure it's narc behaviour and something else - she definitely has extreme anxiety too.

My experience is you feel like you're going crazy. It's hard to describe what it's like being with the person over a period of time when they are in the full blown mode. Age has not helped, in my case! Which makes me wonder again what I am really dealing with.

Omg, just reading this has brought back so many bad memories of my ex........ That was exactly how he was with me!.

This is scary reading. I have always privately called my MIL a dementor as she sucks all the energy and joy out of me.

I have just endured days of listening to conversations about herself, criticising people who have married into the family about not being good enough, constant moaning about her health, no interest in anyone else’s life she has nothing else to talk about and often repeats herself.

She was constantly instructing me or my husband to hand over our baby “give her to me” was literally all I heard for the duration of her stay then she got cross when the baby “didn’t like her”. My husband is blind to her behaviour and reading this thread makes me want to protect my baby from her.

How do you navigate a narcissist grandparent?