Could someone please explain what a narcissistic person is like in real life?

[3hoursaway]

I'm not sure I fully understand and I see it said on here quite often

Sparks17 - don't worry too much. Narc grandparents won't demand too much time with your DC once they are beyond babyhood and need attention that steals attention away from the narcissist. Mine showed minimal interest in my DC.

Im pretty sure a friends of mine had narcissistic personality disorder as he did something called "splitting" I believe where he would take against friends for no reason and blank them, make up lies, bad mouth them etc for months on end.

Splitting is attributed to borderline personality disorder, not narcissism.

Narcissists above all leave you feeling confused and on the back foot. Often you’re too far in to readily let go of the relationship when you realise what you’re up against.

For me the most important thing is not to concentrate on the label and trying to diagnose, but concentrate on the behaviour. If they treat you like shit and trample all over you regularly, to the detriment of your MH, does it matter why? Just take steps to cut or minimise contact.

Also remember - you cannot make them better. You cannot help them reform.

Booked a ticket on a long long train journey, despite being unable to reserve a seat, being disabled and unable to stand, and having the opportunity to go at a different time when seats were available . 'They will find me one'.

The car accident that was the other person's fault, even though the damage makes that impossible.

Told off someone (recovering from brain surgery that affected their language processing) for making her a coffee that wasn't quite as she likes it.

Unable to follow a conversation, she has to drive it. Demands answers but doesn't stop talking long enough to hear them...

@SPARKS17

Your children will be a suitable audience and the narcissist may put a lot of charm and effort into entertaining them. Your children will probably love them and won't notice how self-centred they really are (until much later).

They will be very proud of your child's talents and will boast about it to everyone. Oddly, they will never be interested in sitting and listening to your child play the famous musical instrument, or quietly watch them dance or allow them to create any messy artworks while they are together.

They may like to show off their grandchild to an audience so might invite the child to holidays or events with their other grownup friends. If there are no other children at these events, don't accept, because your child will be expected to perform perfectly and won't be expected to inconvenience them by being ill, fractious, tired etc.

Like a selfish 12 year old

Expects the world to revolve around him, treats and speaks to people like shit but expects huge respect back and the red carpet rolling out.

Takes no responsibility for anything, at all, ever. Everything is always someone else’s fault.

Expects the world given to him on a plate. Is lazy, self cantered and has no interest in any one else’s issues or lives. But has grandiose ideas about his own life.

Can feign normality for tiny amounts of time, the mask soon slips though.

Believes his own bullshit, rewrites history, actions and conversations to suit his warped mind.

Fucking horrible, monstrous person who saps the life out of people close to him.

Take a good look at Donald Trump. Absolutely classic. He cannot envisage a world that exists without him in it, a worrying trait for the man with his finger on the nuclear trigger.

The give away for a Narcissist is a total lack of empathy.

They will also be jealous of anyone getting attention which they believe is rightfully theirs. This jealousy will include small babies and their own grandchildren.

A true Narcissist always wants to be the center of attention even if it's negative attention. Trump is a classic example. He will throw a tantrum or sack an employee on the spot with no reason or prior notice if it means as a result all eyes are on him

longwayoff crosspost!

Also NEVER apologizes.

I think it is his profound empathy that led to him being her scapegoat. A narc will gain the most energy from the one who shows the most emotional hurt.

Thanks for this willdo - a rather large penny just dropped for me.

I believe that DH's boss is a narcissist.

He thinks he can 'buy' people's loyalty with money. He then expects that loyalty to be absolute and uses words like 'betrayal' when someone has a professional disagreement with him.

He ignores things that he doesn't like. For example, if he knows there will be bad news at a meeting, he'll cancel or not turn up for the meeting.

He takes it personally if you give him an answer to a question which is not the one he wants.

He will 'punish' you for not acting as he wants you to, eg making his staff work on Christmas Eve at the last minute when there is no business reason for anyone to be there. He likes to feel powerful.

DH is looking for a new job!

Ida, fingers crossed can't last much longer.

A member of my extended family is, I believe a narcissist.

She is is unbelievably selfish, to the point that she truely believes she is the centre of the universe and that everyone should march to her tune.

Has massive delusions of grandeur and looks down her nose at others, despite living in a council house. Nothing wrong with that, but just to get things into perspective.

Brings every conversation back to herself. It's not possible to have a true conversation with her. She also does the monologues mentioned above.

Total lack of empathy.

Has tantrums and sulks and can hold grudges for years.

Takes offence about the most ridiculous things.

Thinks she is the fountain of all knowledge on everything, even stuff she knows fuck all about. Then takes hugeoffence when called out (see above).

Has difficult interpersonal relationships. Several long term partners, has a difficult relationship with her own kids, cant maintain friendships. However none of this is ever her fault.

Is very charming to those outside of the immediate family circle. Also incrediably attractive to the opposite sex. Highly flirtatious. Had relationships with married men as a young adult and didn't give a shit about their wives or any hurt caused.

Is obsessed with image. Is frequently in the local newspaper for charidee endeavours.

I could go on...

Also "I'm a very spiritual person". Run.

I've always suspected Trump was a narcissist or sociopath.

When his former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to lying to Congress in relation to the Russia inquiry, Trump gave an interview and kept saying that Mr Cohen was a "weak person, a weak person, a weak person". He also said that he was "not a very smart person". From what I heard, he didn't address the seriousness or morality of what had happened. He just despised Michael Cohen for being "weak".

If I remember rightly, Trump also has a habit of branding those who disagree with him or obstruct him as "bad people".

At some point you will realise that the narcissist has told you everything they want to: the tribulations they have been through, their triumphs over other mortals, the minutiae of their life, their complete detailed medical history...

Then you realise that they know almost nothing about you, and are surprised that you have an opinion on something.

They are not necessarily a nasty person- just have no ability to think about anyone else.

My narcissist is constantly upset by other people's disregard of her. They aren't available when she needs them, they don't tell her things she needs to know (and if they did she wouldn't have been listening). She would never deliberately hurt someone, and thinks she's the most honest person she knows despite actually lying about everything when it is convenient. It isn't really a lie, because she's just trying to get a good outcome you see. History is completely rewritten.

Maybe the easiest way to think about it is that they are the star of their show, and everyone else is a bit part or side kick. We don't have lives of our own, just a walk on role in theirs.

I think a lot of politicians and people in the public eye are narcs. Donald Trump is classic, but he's not the only one.

Pickle, she may not be "nasty" but she sounds very needy.

My experience was a friend so slightly different in the fact I am less close than a family member so I guess experienced less of the nastiness. And it was easy to escape.

The main trait really is she only ever spoke about herself, she had 3 topics of conversation:

1. how wonderful am i
2. the compliments people have given me
3. poor me (to trigger a compliment or some attention)

Sometimes there would be a 4th topic which would be how awful others were who had wronged her. This would be very extreme, so if someone did something minor they would be a horrible person and descriptions could get quite violent. Also if someone didn't give her enough attention they would sit in this category.

Her self esteem was very fragile I guess, so she built up in her head this image of her being beautiful, thin, clever, popular, the best, she would often talk about this. And then when she saw a photo of herself or didn't do something right this image was shattered and she couldn't cope. There would be tears, screaming, threats of suicide, this could be from the most basic of things like a boy turning her down or someone going for tea with another friend. She would also spend a lot of time talking about her appearance because she wanted to be stunning and have every boy fancy her.

We would genuinely have whole conversations about the compliments people had given her over the years, and conversations about how her mum loved her best how her brother was okay but not as special as her. I think her mum was also a narcissist.

She would start off as your best friend, excessively friendly but then ditch you when she felt that she was higher on the social ladder than you. Some people she would suck up to for years because she felt they were more popular or something but some people she would ditch if she felt they were advantageous. I was advantageous to her for a long time but then wasn't so I was ditched.

It's quite difficult to describe because actually she hated herself, really truelly hated herself. I've never met anyone who hated themselves as much as she did, and she gave off a performance of lpw self esteem but i think this was all so we would praise her and at the same time loved herself? Everything was about her, she loved herself massively I guess until something went wrong and then she would hate herself, I think she hated herself because she didn't live up to idea of her being fantastic.

Also her social life was like a very complicated game of chess. She would play everyone off against each other, arrange secret meet ups with certain friends to manipulate the situation so she was on top. Evrrything was very carefully orchestrated. And then when this went wrong again there would be breakdowns, tears, more suicide threats.

Jealousy- mine has only just taken an interest in my dog (and discovered she likes him), because previously the dog took my dad's attention away from her.

I don't think you can really underestimate the irrelevance of everyone else, apart from as they impact on her.

@woollyheart

Your post was chilling and I related to it a lot.

Most of Christmas was spent taking photos of GD so they could immediately be whatsapped to family members, projecting ridiculous fantasies of what GD will become when shes older (shes 4 months fgs), telling GD and those in earshot that she (GD) will ignore her silly parents and do X, Y and Z with grandma and she doesn't care what we say about it

She is exceptionally hard work and now we have a baby I can't be bothered with her shenaigans, husband feels very beholden to her but equally recognises her character. I think going forward we will minimise overnight stays with her but perhaps suggest meeting for lunch half way where contact is short and sweet with a definite exit plan.

She ruined our first christmas by grabbing our daughter and opening all her presents whilst we were prepping dinner, I was furious and upset and won't allow her to ruin key moments like this in the future.

Master manipulators. I’ve just come out of a 20 month long relationship with (what I didn’t realise was) a narcissistic cheater. He has conned me into paying off a £26k debt which I now have to battle to get back. The link below describes the situation perfecly. It’s the kind of thing you read in a magazine and you would not ever believe it could happen to you

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154