Could someone please explain what a narcissistic person is like in real life?

[3hoursaway]

I'm not sure I fully understand and I see it said on here quite often

My DD1 could read at six weeks, you see, due entirely to this relative's engagement and interest. That was our interesting first Christmas. She was so much more stimulating than her relatives were with their grandchildren, you see. The comparison was important to her, as if not more important than DDs "reading ability." (Lol)

The impact on DH and me of that Xmas was physical.

@SPARKS17 my family lives abroad. It's true IME the narcissist often doesn't follow through on their big plans. But that may not mean they lose interest - they could just transfer all of these expectations to you. "If I were their parent I'd be doing cuz etc" which is also a ball ache.

I'm finding this thread strangely comforting. When I read so many accounts of other people who have identical charactyer traits to my father's, I realise it's a condition. And so many opaque aspectsof his behaviour in the past now make sense to me.
Being a fount of knowledge on everything including stuff he knows f-all about.
Holding grudges for years.
being astounded that anyone has anopinion that differs from his own - and taking huge offense if they do, especially his own children, who have no right to diverge from him in any way, being mere pimples on the surface of the Great Universe that is Him.

Ex boss. (small independent retail outlet)

Everything had to be about her always.

Colleagues mother was days away from dying. Asked colleague 'How's your mother'. Colleague starts to reply about how she was so ill... within 20 seconds, Narc had turned round conversation to what she went through when her Dad died 25 years ago of old age and went on for 20 minutes. Never asked again about friend's dying mother. But would tell anyone who asked about colleague's dying mother, that she is forever asking and sympathising.

Asked another work colleague to leave as 'she couldn't afford so many staff'. (This is a woman who has 3 Porsches.) I comforted colleague as she left absolutely shocked. Then Boss calls everyone into her office to open champagne for us all to join in with, because 'she needed a drink after what she'd been through having to sack work colleague' and could we all sympathise with her and what she had just been through. No mention of sacked colleague.

Had a coterie of brown nosers. Nasty women who would be summonsed to drink champagne with her and bitch about everyone else .

Thought she was above the law. No rules applied to her. Even taxes, employment rules, holiday pay.

If she made a mistake (often) she blamed one of the staff for giving her the wrong pen, for 'standing there and making me make a mistake'.... anything but admit it.

One example of my ex - his grandma died, peacefully in her sleep, at home (she was in her 80s, be in his 40's). Sad but not exactly a massive shock. They weren't hugemy close. A day after we got the news, he literally threw himself on the floor of the dining room an whailed for hours. It was my birthday and we were due to go out for lunch. I was going to suggest not going anyway as I knew he was upset but this happened before I got chance.

Later on in the day, a friend I hadn't heard from in years called me from Australia to wish me happy birthday, on our landline. We chatted for about 20 minutes, I couldn't concentrate because he was pacing up and down, huffing, puffing and pointing at the phone. When I hung up he went absolutely mad at me for "blocking" the "communication lines" ... He has a mobile, no-one else called us all day. He didn't speak to me for a week.

Another example, at a relative's for Christmas, we got given a suprise gift of a relative. So I rushed upstairs, pulled the tag off a bottle of whiskey we had bought for his Dad, and have it to the person who surprised us with a gift.

I explained to him what I'd done, later on in the day. He threw an almighty hissy fit, told everyone in the house, o everyone's embarrassment. He cried, he screamed at me, blamed me for ruining Christmas. For giving away his father's whiskey. For insulting his father, for insulting their relatinship etc etc.

It was easily replaceable (only bought I'm Tesco, nothing special, I even had spare wrapping paper so I could wrap up an identical bottle, identically) and we weren't due to see his Dad for another 4 days. He didn't speak toe again until 5th Jan. 🤷

Narcissistic = "ME ME ME ME ME....you must be mentally ill if you can't see it's all about me"

You've all described my MIL perfectly! She actually asked my own mother if I was bipolar because "it's the only explanation for how she behaved" when I called her out on her behaviour after 22 yrs of her racist bigoted and attention-seeking nonsense. I am well-rid

I think it was Sam Vaknin who said the narc's emotional intelligence is at the level of a six year old - this is spot on.

Very much everything comes back to them.
Often very charming and likeable when you first meet them - they give out the impression that they are a fun person to be around. Sometimes they do outrageous things that you can't quite believe, which is exciting. They are also excellent at inspiring sympathy. These are all tricks which reel the unsuspecting victim in.

My ex did a lot of cash in hand work, to a poor/average standard, but somehow always had plenty of customers who thought he was brilliant. Narcs are very good at this kind of PR - sales too, or performance, these tend to be the jobs they do.

He would sometimes do things that would have an actual detrimental effect on other people and if you pointed this out to him, he'd look totally blank or laugh it off like it didn't matter.

He never seemed to have an opinion of his own but he'd parrot things others had said. He was usually very careful to do this strategically so it would come across as unique but when you live with one you start to catch them out and it's weirdly unsettling. They can also use this technique to appear knowledgeable on a topic they know nothing about, which gets them caught out if they aren't careful, but as others said you aren't allowed to disagree with them as they will defend their position up to the point of aggression/violence sometimes. Though usually it's more subtle methods of control, lots of sulking or strategic tears. It can make you think you're going mad as they will manipulate versions of events you both remember to favour themselves, and then not back down.

They seem to take everything personally, yes, even as other people have said, the actions of babies. One of the final straws was when XP punished our 10 month old for scratching him - he was just crawling and had sharp nails And they can't handle any idea somebody might be superior to them either.

So many more but these are what springs to mind.

I have an Ex who's a narc. Unusual type - seemingly under confident and anxious. But impossible to have a relationship with without it driving you crazy - it is all about him. He was still a little boy (an only child) who was badly done by.

• everything is about him - he is always mistreated by others - never any of his responsibility
• harbours grudges from childhood
• grandiose public gestures of kindness and putting himself out for others so it's noticed and remarked on
• but unkind and unsympathetic in private
• expects huge allowances for his mental health and anxiety but name calling and nasty to the person he's in a relationship with if they get sad or upset
• cannot take any feedback or criticism and blames everything on you - labelling and cruel
• laughing at you if you cry
• unable to empathise or be supportive to a partner
• gaslighting to the nth degree

That sort of thing. It actually turned me into a wreck.

Oh yes bertie, I'd forgotten about the 'stealing others opinions' thing. MIL takes all hers from BBC24/Sky/Telegraph so it tends to change from week to week! She was a teacher until the early 80s and has had no involvement in education since then BUT she still is the expert on Ofsted, national curriculum, UCAS, etc - based entirely on what she reads/hears on media (she also thinks Gove is a Demi-god...) Heaven help anyone who disagrees, even if they're at the educational coal-face right now

My experience of living with a narcissistic is as follows:

1. Won't stand in line in a fairground because he doesn't like queues, which means our toddler can't have the ride he wants.
2. If he's not hungry nobody is. If he's not cold then nobody is. If he's not tired then nobody can be.
3. Refused to mop or hoover when I was bleeding all through pregnancy and midwife told me not to perform these household tasks. This was because he didn't see the need and was proud of the fact he will only do it if he decides it needs doing (which was never).
4. Has an expectation that people will serve him and never the other way around.
5. Looks for constant praise and huge reward for doing a normal and expected act, which he considers to be exceptionally good of him.
6. Hates my noise but makes plenty of his own. I find myself often saying "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" while I fight for my cause.
7. Gains immense satisfaction from winding me up and watching while I unravel. Now I know this I try not to fall for it anymore.
8. Walks through doors letting them slam on people behind but gets angry when people don't hold the door open for him.

The list is endless. The relationship leaves me feeling a second class citizen and not at all valued or respected.

There are loads of brilliant YouTube videos where you can learn a heap about how to live with a narcissistic. I'd strongly advise you go there!

What amazes me is how my mother’s mood can infiltrate the entire house. Her anger/sadness/whatever seeps out of the walls
Yes!! They can change the atmosphere of anywherw just by coming in the front door, even by a phone call.

No genuine emotion
Selfish
Lies about big stuff like having cancer
Then denies lying
If you question their behaviour they are furious then run a smear campaign to make you look awful, this involves lying, playing people off against each other
Having weak family members do their dirty work
Using silent treatmen to punish until you either beg or theyve decided youve suffered enough
Never feel guilty about anything as nothing is their fault
Rage qbout other people
Envy of other peoples successes
Tries to sabotage other peoples successes
Deep down are miserable and inadequate so want everyone else to be unhappy as well
Fake charm
Cant hold down genuine relationships
Often control entire families by their behavioue
Have favourites and scapegoats as grandchildren, children and friends
Love drama
Offer generosity but its never free and they always throw it back at you
Nothing nice about them, life is often miserable
No contact and run!

OMG Maud, XP used to huff and puff (literally!!) when I was on the phone especially if it meant he had to hold DS for a few minutes - it's crazy. I remember him almost crying with rage at about the 40 minute mark and hissing at me that I was "taking the piss".

YYYY to the hareem of "friends" who were all being totally used in return for the privilege of being in his higher circle. And a fair few friends who he'd finally managed to piss off who wouldn't speak to him but after years he'd randomly make up with them again - a couple of times, at 3am or driving hundreds of miles on a whim to do so.

Yes to jealousy. And constantly being concerned that someone might be the better friend/son/etc and having to do all kinds of massive gestures they couldn't refuse to gain that top spot again.

Dementor/emotional vampire is a good descriptor too. People get physically ill around them, sometimes. My ex used to find this really aggravating.

And yes if you've lived with a narcissist, you're likely terrified by Trump. I am.

My only advice about living with one would be don't. They can destroy you.

They seem lovely at first. They make you feel you belong and often like to shower you with gifts and attention.

Once you’re in, then they start to pick you to pieces, for their own entertainment. The pain of others is cathartic to them.

Your business is their business, no matter how personal. It’s is just something to be discussed with strangers or picked apart. Especially if it is painful and private.

They speak in assumptives: ‘You don’t mind, do you?’ ‘It doesn’t matter, does it?’ ‘You can understand that, can’t you?’

All promises become empty at the point that it stops suiting them to keep them.

They are exhausting company. Couldn’t agree more with the dementor description.

You can know one for years and years and not see it. But, once you do see it, you will never see anything else.

They will feed off your misery. The only thing to free yourself of them / give some pain back is to go Grey Rock (google this if you haven’t heard of it, especially if you are related to a narc that you can’t go NC with, it helps immensely.)

Yes, the mood affecting the house thing. Dm has been really well behaved this holiday, but even my dog is exhausted now.

My son described it like this “daddy doesn’t want to know how I feel, I have to just pretend to feel the way he wants me to feel”.

(We have divorced, son currently refusing to see him)

Things he did that were particularly unbearable:

• a huge big drama if he was ill, shouting and screaming at me if I was ill (for being selfish)
• watch me get all ready for a big day trip or something then prevent us going for some trivial reason (like the sitting room needed tidying)
• have a tantrum if I saw a friend or my family

-bitch and sneer about everyone -they were all hopeless/ useless etc

• have no respect for expertise. (Sneer at advice given by doctors etc)
• gas lighting, all the time

@willdo

ExH gained the most from me when I was pregnant and he utterly destroyed me. After she was born, something in my head clicked and all I wanted to do was protect her from him and he lost the ability to wind me up/make me sob.

So he fucked off when she was 7 weeks old. Haven’t heard a peep since. Except the odd social media screenshot I get talking about how I’m a bitter controlling ex and how hard done by he is...

He bores me now. But they all lap it up.

To add to my first post, maybe the man I mentioned was a braggart instead of a narcissist; I don't know. To sum up his traits, he:

Boasted continuously.

Was obsessed with tricking/outsmarting people and laughing at them, but couldn't bear to be laughed at.

Enjoyed taking petty acts of revenge on anyone who annoyed him.

Was motivated by money and struggled to believe/understand other motivations such as altruism and creative fulfilment. For example, he believed that the only motivation for becoming an actor was to seek money and fame.

Loved to berate anyone who broke a rule, but unashamedly broke rules himself.

Said that his interactions with other people were all for his own entertainment.

Enjoyed arguments and regularly made "appeals to authority", i.e. he'd mention his financial success in insurance and insisted this meant that his opinions were worth more than other people's. Even on subjects where he had no direct experience.

Never admitted to being wrong or making a mistake.

Never admitted to being average or worse than average at anything. He was considerably richer, more intelligent, better educated, fitter, braver and more successful with women than the average man.

Could be friendly and jovial, but if he didn't get the admiration he felt was his due, he gradually became frustrated and unpleasant.

And sorry for over posting, but there was another man I knew through work that I suspected of being a narc. Thank God I didn't work for him. He:

Was obsessed with status and making money.

Showed a shocking lack of empathy, for example if a member of staff suffered a bereavement, his first response was to ask them how much they would inherit. He said this to more than one bereaved colleague.

Ran his department with a complete disregard for the organisation's rules. He just did what he liked.

Showed extreme favouritism when managing, promoting or dismissing staff.

Believed he was God's gift to women despite being middle-aged, obese and not particularly attractive.

Had a couple of brown-nosers (young, attractive women), who flattered and manipulated him. He thought their flattery was genuine.

If you could actually prove without a shadow of doubt that they were wrong on something, they would pick something else out of thin air for you to apologise about to divert away from the fact they were 110% wrong.

( yes I may have been slightly wrong, but you were even more wrong on something unrelated so that means I am nearly right)

DM came to "help" me after I'd had a CS. Went on and on about how she'd told all her friends she'd dropped everything to come and help me. Sat and whined and moaned that it was such a lovely day she wanted to go to the beach for a walk. I had raging mastitis and a painful CS wound and have never felt less like leaving the house. Eventually got fed up with the sighing and said she could go. She skipped off without looking back and without bothering to make sure I'd got everything I needed near me. In a first floor living room with kitchen on the ground and no-one else in the house.

I had cancer a few years later. She was hysterical and poor me. She told everyone she had ever met about my cancer, without considering what I wanted. All her friends thought she was very brave for having a daughter with cancer.

Took her away on expensive longhaul family holiday. Told her exactly what our plans were and stressed that she didn't have to do the same but this is what we would do. Agreed to it, then whined and stropped because DS sat next to the window on the plane. Moaned that nobody would carry her cases. Made a fuss every time we did something she didn't want to do, and expected me to give up a day to sit by the pool with her, which is my idea of hell.Then told DSIS who refuses to take her on holiday that there was too much doing and not enough relaxing. Then expected to come with us next time!

Only interested in appearances and what the neighbours will think.

From the Mayo Clinic website:

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

I look at these traits, and see that my ex certainly had some of them. We left (DC and I) and they have struggled with depression and anxiety brought on by living with him (they are now getting better, it's great).

Meanwhile, they don't have any contact with their dad by choice (I'm not blocking this, it's always up to them) they are mid to late teens. He responds with angry emails all "me, me, me".

He will never acknowledge, and probably will never get, why I left. And I knew pretty early on that if I went back, it would only have been a matter of time before everything was twisted into him being the victim on account of his depression, and I'd wind up treading on even bigger eggshells than before leaving.

So I ignore him. It's safer and more peaceful.

NC For this as I've posted specific detail under another name and if all posts were linked it would out

It is strange @3hoursaway that you've posted this today as I've been considering broaching the topic with my DM as to whether my sister might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder but I really don't know how DM would take it.

People on MN say that NPD is bandied about too much on here and actually you know some people are just arseholes and that's all it is, but on hearing about it on here, my God if it wasn't her exactly

Signs of my sister narcissism

Can't sustain a romantic relationship. This is because she pretends to be whoever she thinks they want her to be and then the mask slips and they see who's beneath it

Constant sense of walking on eggshells - literally feel like you never know what tiny thing could spark of an avalanche of criticism, tirade or outburst.

Always tells stories about themselves that paint them in an amazing light. Never the negative stuff. Ever.

Intense friendships usually with couples were she becomes almost a second wife. These are friends who are constantly mentioned for a time and then vanish never to be spoken of again. If they are asked after a story will be told about them that paints them in a bad light and her in an amazing one, showing that she had tried her best, but they were just too (insert fault of theirs here)

Intensely intolerant of people they believe inferior to them, even if this sense of personal superiority is entirely misplaced

Will blame their victims for their reaction behaviour and make their victimisation their fault :

"You're too sensitive"

"I can't do wrong for doing right"

"You're looking for a reason to say I've upset you so you can blame me, you always do this"

Has a tendency to both move locations and change jobs after a few years, this looks normal to most people, but the fact that she always moves as well and distances makes me think she's been "found out" in some way previously as the person she really is and has needed to move again so no one knows her.

Lies often, sometimes these lies are quite transparent even when she thinks they aren't, she has a certain insincere tone when she's lying that she doesn't realise.

Can sometimes deceive with a lie but will forget what she's said previously, and is easily caught out. Will pretend it's your mistake and get shitty about it and again blame you if you call her out

Can physically be seen acting in social scenarios, faking interest or affection that she doesn't possess, mask will

Basically she is pathological and I have to assume that she's left a trail of people I don't know about in her wake, but in the family I feel like the ONLY one who sees her. I'd love to set up a support group for people who've been personally victimised by the Regina George that is my sister but I'd have to name and Shame to find them and this is a public forum.

I like it when these sorts of threads pop up so I can go OOOO YESSS and offload.

It's not really a real life subject.

That's great @MsSquiz that's my sister exactly.

The person they are treating horribly, usually me, has no right to object to that treatment because ultimately they deserve it

Oh and without spamming the thread much further what a PP said about

If YOU have a success to boast about they WILL find a way to not just dismiss it, but absolutely RUBBISH it, in a way that makes you feel crushed