Could someone please explain what a narcissistic person is like in real life?

[3hoursaway]

I'm not sure I fully understand and I see it said on here quite often

@horrayforharoldlloyd Fri 28-Dec-18 12:46:59
the criteria for diagnosis is very specific, so although people with NPD gave differing personalities, their narcissistic traits are the same. There is often a comorbidity and it can be hard to differentiate between antisocial personality disorder etc

This is what I have often wondered about. But then I sort of think - why focus on getting a diagnosis for THEM and not on coping myself? They don't think they need 'help'.

Am curious why the OP asked.

@SPARKS17 I don't know. How frequent is contact? What I have found is the main challenge is staying in control myself, not allowing myself to get too angry when we're together. That is not easy. DH deals better.

IME:
Everything has to revolve around them.
If they don't get their own way they sulk/ tantrum/ feign illness.
Can be very charming.
Lie a lot.
Manipulate people.
No scruples.
Will gaslight anybody, even small children in order to get their own way.
I could go on but that should give you the gist.

My ex:

• Constant lies.

• Aggrandises everything he has done or completely makes up things.

• Does what he wants without fear of repercussions.

• Doesn’t have empathy or sympathy or feel remorse when those choices impact his pregnant wife/baby when born.

• Steals then manipulates others to believe the victim is the aggressor and/or deserves it.

• Sucks the joy out of everyone else’s birthdays or makes the day about them

• Wont accept fault for anything, or criticism. It’s always someone else’s fault.

• When the latest victim starts to catch on, the gaslighting begins.

• Constructs disaster scenarios that only they can solve (and make you believe you need them despite them being the one that caused the issue.)

• People are just props for stories.

• When he was well and truly busted by his close family, he disappeared for 4 months. They now live in fear he’ll do it again (despite them admitting their lives were better without him around) so they’re even worse with the enabling now.

• He leapfrogged relationships.

• Burns through friends within 6 months

• Plays the poor kicked puppy victim constantly

I knew a man who I thought might have NPD. He was constantly boastful to the point it was embarrassing. He often condemned anyone who broke a rule or law, yet broke rules/laws himself (and boasted about it).

He had another habit and I wonder if anyone else has come across this. He was obsessed with tricking people and getting the better of them. He loved to get the best deal, but he also loved to laugh at everyone. Any apparent gift or favour from him seemed to have a sting in the tale - for example he once gave a luxury gift that was a white elephant (it needed a lot of money spent on it in order to be useable). Naturally, he laughed about how he'd given it away for a reason.

He often didn't mind if people got angry with him or disagreed with him (he liked attention and sometimes enjoyed winding people up), but he couldn't stand to be laughed at. He would try to turn it around and insist he was the one laughing at everyone else.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is implying someone is going mad. So blatantly doing something toxic, then denying it and when pulled up on it implying you are mentally ill.

My ex is one. Stand out traits:
Superficially charming
Pathological and extremely convincing liar
Thinks the rules of life/laws don’t apply to them.
Absolutely 0 empathy and incapable of remorse
When they are “done” with you, they will go to extreme lengths to try to completely destroy you on all levels.

PPs have described very well. My ex/fatherhood DC is one. Monologues not conversations, never to blame, manipulative, gaslighting, expects people to live by rules he doesn't live by himself, knows more than experts about subjects he has no genuine knowledge of, completely lacking in empathy, ruins occasions for other people because they aren't about him.

People throw the word around a lot on here but when you have met a real one you know what to look out for in others.

• father of DC not fatherhood!

Ruining all special occasions like birthdays and weddings by acting out and getting attention diverted to them.

Disproportionately angry about any perceived criticisms and flying into a rage where no holds were barred in verbal insults

Cruel to animals (tried to poison neighbours cat)

Very angry if people need something particularly if they ill accusing them of faking it

Moving in from relationships in minutes (and often having a few standby women to get attention from during relationship)

I thought narcissism meant very selfish?

@dangermouseisace

ExH still - after 3 years of NC with our DC and avoiding CMS - blasts me all over social media. His friends lap it up. It’s unbelievable. (He’s blocked on everything but occasionally people feel the need to send me screenshots )

Like please just fuck off, stop banging on about me, stop trying to gaslight me from afar.

Anyone else have this:

Wants to be thanked for their 'intention' to do something, even though they have no intention of acting on it. You would be selfish if you took them up on it.

"I'll do this" means: You should do this right now. This needs doing. They fully expect to hear: "Thank you so much for offering" so they can feel good about themselves... they've offered to help, you see, there isn't anything they wouldn't do - except actually what they claim to be offering to do.

@OVienna YES

And yet: "They never let me do anything." So, it becomes your fault somehow if the promised things don't occur. It's a circle of head fuck.

My favourite description of a narcissist (my SIL)

I think a narcissist is perfectly capable of asking questions and appearing to be interested in others' lives. However, it is all part of the charm offensive and social performance, never a genuine caring interest.

Everything they do , recommend , have , have been to - is the best.
When talking about their kids to people they will be the best , will compare how much better theirs is to yours.
If you get a compliment they will counteract it with something negative about you.
Have a grand importance about what they do in work.
Get over the top shitty if you question them or disagree especially in a public forum.
Lie - lots of lies to make them look good , others to look bad or over exaggerating a true story.
They can often suffer from depression due to trying to keep up the pretence of being the best.

This is just a few traits.

@RolandDeschainsGilly

That sounds shit. But about right for a narcissist. They put a hell of a lot of energy into trying to destroy others. Mine is still going 3.5 years after we split and I’m baffled as to how someone can be fulfilled by focusing on being so destructive for so long.

I think a lot of these are just describing arrogant/socially inept people. Actual narcissists don’t just brag or think they’re the best, it’s far more than that.

My MIL is a narc, it took me reading out a list of traits to DH for him to realise what wasn't clicking with her.
Every conversation must be about her or be steered back to her.
She will interrupt people to speak about something non specific to the topic if she doesn't understand.
Everything has to run to her rules or we are all subjected to lengthy guilt trips.
She tells lies upon lies to keep up the facade of her happy family.
Will have her GC's but only at her suggestion and convenience.
Totally emotionally manipulative.
She has no empathy if she doesn't agree with how you feel. For example someone saying they were struggling after their mum had died. Her response? "Oh well when my mum died I was back to work the next day.".

Honestly the list is endless and it's hard work!

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis this is why I am confused by my relative. She doesn't have the flashier traits. But for example at every opportunity she'll find a way to get a criticism of me/my family in or to put down others in favour of her family. Wherever we are, whatever the situation/conversation. So far my kids have not been a target of the negativity. She is convinced my husband favours one child though - this is bollocks and total projection. She decided this three months in to her birth too.

They are

Extremely Self Centred
Extremely Selfish
Find your sore points and use it at EVERY opportunity against you

They are Horrible

The narcissist that did the most damage to my mental well being:

Was self centred - only ever talked about himself and how my plans should fit around him.

Switched from being Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde. If things didn't go his way, he was extremely unpleasant.

Bullied me and called me names all under the guise of "just joking". If you made any joke at his expense then he'd be offended and then try to justify calling me another name.

Would give you the cold shoulder if you said no to anything but if that backfires, then does something else, usually unpleasant, to get your attention.

Threatened to take his own life as a way of getting my attention.

Relentlessly attention seeking. Negative attention was better than being ignored.

Manipulative and conniving.

Sneers at anything you've achieved and inflate their own achievements.

Puts others down to make him feel it look better.

Devoid of empathy and humanity.

Lacks emotional intelligence.

Lacks self respect and integrity.

After exposing all these traits, it was painfully transparent to me just how pathetic this being was. I never understood why I kept making excuses for this person.