How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

[BloomsButtons]

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

I would say to both MIL and DH you are NOT happy with the boys being put on a bus on their own!! Absolutely non-negotiable. And as your DH will have to take them he will be taking her too - as arranged - what a nightmare. Don't feel bad/guilty none of this is on you!!!! Xx

Glad to be of service BloomsButtons

Disappointed with your update though

Is he scared of her or something?

I mean, my Nana is pretty fierce but when it’s time to go none of her kids are scared to say come on now time to go She may protest and swear in a few different languages though

*Aren’t!

.

*Saturday, not Sunday. Don't let her stay.

And then you'll need to have a talk with you DH, not in the house but somewhere neutral like on a walk. About FOG and being so scared of his mother that he'll inconvenience everyone else. It's a ridiculous state to live in. I know!

It's taken DH years to realise how damaged his relationship with his parents is. He allowed them to bully me, and chose not to see it; we nearly split up more than once because of it. I'm NC now and it's bliss for me, it's another level of pain for him

If you've not been there - go look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships. It helped me understand how DH fears his parents and their behaviours. I supported him for a while, and then got him to read the opening. He was nearly in tears because so much resonated. If there is fear between child and parent - then there's something wrong at a very deep level. We ended up in couples therapy and a lot was about how his skewed view of relationships was affecting ours.

Tell your DH that if he doesn’t sort it he’ll be spending the rest of the holiday with his mum and you’ll go to your other child with the kids. Or you’ll stay with them at your mum’s. After all it’s only fair that your mum sees the kids and you for an equal time over the holidays. 😉

I would be FURIOUS at DH if he behaved like this. Have you made it clear that you are too? How does he feel that you are cross with him? This is just unacceptable. I’m totally non confrontational myself but by this point I’d be telling MiL she was off on Saturday and no arguing. I feel itchy at the mere idea of being stuck with an unwanted guest for so long.

Oh op, your DH is a... well it would be unkind to actually type the word I was thinking. You are going to tell him what you think of him aren't you?

So, had a quick chat with DH who would rather put the boys on the bus alone (he's looking to see if there are spaces now angry) rather than tell his mother she's going home.

WTAF? I wouldn't be able to be in the same room with such a lilly-livered twat. Willing to risk his sons' safety than tell him mum she's going home? I'd tell him, 'Look like she'll get her little boy all to herself, just how you like it. I'm going with the boys,' and then I'd fucking LEAVE him with her. What a complete arsehole. Why do you put up with it? Especially his avoiding her. Fuck that! I would fucking leave him with her and tell him to think about living with her because you're getting to the end of your tether with a Mama's boy. And mean it.

There's a not very mature part of me that thinks you need to make not doing what you want more uncomfortable for him than not doing what his mother wants.

I'd be furious - I hate feeling like a prisoner in my own home. How can she not realise that ten days is far too long (in my opinion three days with my MIL would be too long). How far away does she live and how near to your oldest son does she live?

Honestly, take off and leave him with his precious mother for the rest of the holidays, let him know, too, that's just how he likes it.

What you should do now is the following - make her a cup of tea and sit her down and say "MiL, you know when I was talking with you earlier and said that we need to take the boys to their brother and how we'd be passing her house so we can drop you off, well we will be leaving at 10:30 on Saturday. Does that give you enough time to be packed and ready to leave or would leaving at 11am be better for you?"

If you phrase it that way, you're only giving her the option to decide the time to leave, rather than the date. If she queries it just reply with "We will be visiting their brother on Saturday so we'll be dropping you home then"

If really pushed, you could say to her quietly that you were looking forward to having some time before you go back to work just you, your DH and your DS's and this looks less and less likely now.

Your DH really should be the one to say this to his mum but if he isn't going to, you have to.

What a prince among men

I would take the boys on the bus myself and leave him and MIL to it.

Just tell her DH will be leaving at x time, and she should be ready for then

Christ almighty your DH is utterly pathetic. And you need to get a back bone too. Just get the woman told and be done with!

What a tool.

God I'd be fuming if my dp didn't say anything. I don't care how much I love someone, I would hate visitors to be In my house for that long.

Really hope you get it sorted.

This needs to be presented to her as a done deal and should be said with your DH in the room. Even if he is passive about it, he needs to be there when the conversation is had.

It sounds like there was a concrete agreement for her to go hone at the weekend, she doesn't just get to move the goalposts without checking with you.

There's no point in telling the MIL she's going because the husband doesn't have the OP's back. She'll run to him and he'll capitulate. He's a weasel. Ditch him with his ma. I'd stop entertaining her, too, so he can't skive out of it by leaving the room. Fuck that. I'd take off on a 10 mile hike tomorrow followed by a shop and a meal. And the day after, too. Then I'd be out of there with the boys on Saturday even if I went to go stay with my mum.

What a pathetic little manchild

As for putting this onto you - if you say she has to go, will he actually take her or will he placate mummy by finding a reason why she doesn't need to leave yet? If it's the second, be prepared for a smirk from her and them both calling you from a pig to a dog behind your back

Either way, this really isn't the sort of "man" I'd want to be with ...

Suggest to dh when mil does go home he bloody goes with her and stays there.
Having sex with a man still attached to his umbilical cord is wrong on many levels.

Good lord the woman has the skin of a rhino. OP, I think you need to shut up shop as of Saturday - no more ‘hostess’, no more filling the awkward silences while your ridiculous husband hides - he wants her til New Year? He fucking does it. Get thyself big book, big box of chocolates and take to your bed. He is doing this as he gets less grief from you than Mummy and is able to lean on you to get through it. As he doesn’t give you the same courtesy, fuck the pair of them. Oh and if you can, make plans without them for you and the youngsters for new year and leave them to it.