How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

[BloomsButtons]

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

I'm sorry it's been so fraught OP but pleased you got there in the end.

Has MIL been told to go yet?

Glad to hear she's off tomorrow. Enjoy the peace and quiet!

Waffles80
Read the OPs posts! Then you find out. That’s the whole point of a thread - you read it!

Op, I'm glad everything has worked out but you really really need to learn some assertiveness techniques, especially if you're going to be a teacher. Her comment "'your ironing pile is getting too big" is absolutely not a justifiable reason for a grown woman to hide upstairs for 36 hours. A much better way to handle this is simply to agree with her! And then laugh and say "the iron is over there if you're bored."

And running away to your mum's in tears and have her 'look after' you is very childish. You're a married mum of teens - you can't run home to mummy just because someone is nasty.

Seriously, I wish you well but in the scheme of things (life) these are incredibly trivial things and learning some deflection techniques (especially agreement) will help you a lot.

These carpets are dirty - yes they are! the children just tread in mud all the time. The hoover is in the downstairs cupboard
Alcohol is so bad for you - yes it's not great is it? But it's a treat that we allow ourselves...
etc etc

Massive sympathy, OP.

My MIL can be so, so mean to me and DSon. She constantly bitches and moans and makes digs about my weight or our parenting and hates that my family spend more on our son at Xmas so she sits with a face on, shaking her head while he opens his presents. I used to love Xmas but not any more. Every year I'm either furious or in tears.

DH doesn't notice. He pretty ignores her and doesn't listen when she speaks. He's used to her being a cow. He tells me to just tell her to fuck off but it would cause such an atmosphere and I don't want to sink to her level.

How you're managing all that and in your NQT year is beyond me! Hardest year of my life, that was! Well done you for sticking up for yourself (and for making it through the longest half term!).

Hope you have a fab remainder of your break.x.

I sympathise, i have had difficult situations with my in-laws insisting on visiting with their adult son, who has learning difficulties. They would talk my husband into allowing them to stay over, even when babies were very small. They expect regular meals and even were happy to have their son sleeping in the living room. In the morning they failed to get up and tidy away the bed or generally look after him..... I was completely exhausted and felt very uncomfortable with my brother in law around when I was feeding and looking after a baby. My husband told them to find a local hotel.

@maelstrop - a guest is a friend from college visiting from out of town. A MIL is her husband's blood. That's family, not a guest. HUGE difference. That's family ( now her family) coming for a visit.

I have read this thread with amazement OP..and I am so sorry you have had to go through this .....I am like others really disgusted at your OHs behaviour ...he has not come out of this well on any level,To put anyone above their own wife and kids well it just beggars belief. New Year is coming soon I suggest one resolution to make would be no more MIL visits PERIOD..no more AT ALL after the shameful way you have been treated and your kids for that matter any more visits will be done at her home only,I would also be questioning any relationship I had with your husband,,his blatant disrespect for you and your kids has shone through and thats really not a good thing.I would imagine it will take a long time to put this episode behind you ,,if you can you really need to learn from it and stop it ever happening again, You deserve more you really do.If your husband doesnt have you and your kids best interests at heart then what basis do you have? Sad thread and i am so sorry its been like this for you.

Your dh is still the least sexy person on the planet for his spinelessness. And you very much need to do an assertiveness course! ‘I'm hoping I won't have to face one until well after Easter!’ change this. Sit down and tell dh how badly that went from your perspective and how he has not cared for you. That you will not be put in this position again and to make sure of this his mother may not stay for six months. She arrives, and you leave, as apparently that’s the only type of discussion he understands. No promises to return.

Hello!

I LOVE my MIL but could not do more than a week....so for next time

When mine comes she has to book trains and lifts so if yours doesn't other ways you can work round it is with meal plans, ask exactly how long she is staying for as you are budgeting/buying in advance. Non negotiable you will not play it by ear, this is your new year goal.

Make arrangements around her trip like I thought we could go and see XYZin your local area when we pick you up and then go to eat in XYZ when we drop you off, I'll book a table, what date will that be? Then suggest your preferred date. Use your big son if he's living close by as well, if he can have the little ones then you could have a romantic night planned and booked with your FH so it's not just seeing how she feels, she has an end date.

Make plans for when she is visiting of things she likes to do and have some bonding time AND save all the plans with your own friends for when she is there to cut down on time in the house with her but also she can't complain you're out all the time with tour friends because you just spent the afternoon in the art gallery and eating cake with her

Also use your sons ASD to not play it by ear and be casual, he needs a plan and everything written in the family planner or he gets anxious one of mine is on the spectrum too, he's bloody brilliant and so resilient but if any family asks I tell them he's overwhelmed at Christmas and needs to stay inside home without too many visitors

Good luck for 2019

@Pashal2 not sure why you wrote this, it doesn't relate to my only post on page one of the thread.

@maelstrop - a guest is a friend from college visiting from out of town. A MIL is her husband's blood. That's family, not a guest. HUGE difference. That's family ( now her family) coming for a visit.

Im sorry I thought you referred to her mil as just a Mere "guest' staying too long. Apologies if that wasn't you.

My mother in law passed recently and i could not think off one kind thing to say in her memory .My soon to be ex husband caused so much crap like what the OP struggled with.He could have halted a lot of things that his mum but didnt and wouldnt instead he aided her in her nastiness

Well done OP for getting her to leave. I also have a controlling MIL and a spineless DH. The ONLY way I have found to deal with this is to put DH more under pressure, make his life more difficult than MIL ever could. I then let him deal with explaining and enforcing the boundaries we have set as a family to MIL. It's awful but effective. I used to try and get him to see my point of view, work as a team on this but it was pointless and would have me in tears.

I hope you are ok OP. Roll on tomorrow.

A guest in my home being rude and sighing and tutting because another adult decides to have a drink ..........family or not they would be put in their place and told,this is my home,I do as I please ,if you dont like it then dont come back.

I know that isnt easy for everyone to say

You say that dh rolls his eyes if your dm comes over. Why not say that, for fairness, your dm will be invited to stay for however many days his dm is allowed to stay (don’t actually expect you to do so, but threat may be enough).
I too had the problem with dh being a “mummy’s boy.” Right up until the time she’s died I knew that if it ever came down to it he would choose her over myself and dcs. He always thought that, whatever his family said about me or did, it was my fault. I should have left him when his dsis turned round and said in front of him and pils that she thought that I wasn’t being hospitable enough during their visit (I was in the early stages of pregnancy and not keeping well). I turned to her and said I don’t feel well so sorry but i’m going to bed. His df turned to me and said I had no right to speak to his dd like that. It was one criticism too much and I turned round and said if they weren’t happy they could leave. My fil said that if anyone was leaving it would be me and to remember it wasn’t my house but ds’s (it wasn’t as I had paid deposit and all dh had when we married was debts). My “d”h turned to me and said how dare I speak to his family like this and they would stay as long as they liked, with the 4 of them lined up on one side and me on the other. I lost my baby the next day. I was born into a strict Catholic family, so knew I couldn’t go back home as mother always said “you’ve made your bed, you’ll lie in it (perhaps why I jumped into the first relationship I could, to an older man, to leave home).
Years later I am stuck in a marriage, looking after dcs and nursing a sick husband, whilst trying to keep down 3 jobs, still knowing that he will never stick up for me.

Sweetiepea that is so incredibly sad and I'm so sorry that you lost your baby.

Why, if you had 'all the cards' so to speak, did you go on to have children with this lousy man? He's awful, didn't deserve you then, doesn't deserve you now. I wouldn't be nursing him, marriage vows notwithstanding. Horrible man.

I'd stay gone, tbh. He will make this your fault, always. I was so glad when my DD broke off with her 'Mama's boy' boyfriend. Came to her senses. 'MIL is away.' That's nice, DH name, can just imagine how she slagged me off to you and our kids whilst you did nothing. It's given me a lot to think about, so I'm going to take a few more days, because the upshot is that you only told her to go when you no longer had me to use as a buffer (except for listening to her slag me off in front of our kids which, face it, happened and the kids have already told me), were willing to compromise our children's safety for and would readily sacrifice time together with us as a couple. But only took her back when I wasn't there to use whilst you went upstairs. I need some time to think about all this. xOP.'

Lyingwitch I ask myself that question but to be honest it was all my own fault. I was so desperate to leave home I jumped at the first man who showed interest in me! Once married I had no other choice but to make the best of a bad thing. I was the youngest child, by a fair bit, in my family and was painfully shy, probably because I didn't have any friends. I wasn't allowed to mix with other children except at school. Friends are hard to come by when you can't go over to their houses or have them at mine. I was the ugly duckling (didn't turn into a swan). I was supposed to stay at home and look after my parents in their old age! When you grow up feeling worthless it's hard to see a way out.

I’ve shamefully been lurking on this thread and have my own tale ..well done bloomsbuttons xx

well done OP. you managed that admirably.

hilariously non-self-aware or sickeningly disingenuous to say she's "worried she might have upset you" when she blatantly and deliberately said "I don't think so" when you tried to approach her diplomatically? I suspect the latter.

I don't comment much but this thread was an absolute roller coaster 😮
So glad you managed to come out of it with some sanity, I would have turned into a screaming lunatic if I had to deal with that.

Agree with others though, your dh really needs to buck his ideas up for the sake of his family. I know it's his mum but you are his wife and the woman he has chosen to spend his life with, you shouldn't be put second.
I was with a mummy's boy years ago so I know how hard it is to be with someone like that and you have my sympathy but I really do feel that you need to use this situation to become more assertive and hopefully something like this won't happen again.

Go pour yourself a huge glass of wine and maybe a bar of chocolate to go with it, you deserve it after that fiasco

Well I'm glad your DH eventually did the right thing but it took you leaving for him to do it. He clearly didn't fancy being on his own with her!
Enjoy your day to yourself and have stern words with him when he's back.

phew - my heart sank when I read your initial update - I was so rooting for you. So happy for you when I saw the later update that she's clearing off today. Enjoy the house to yourself and the rest of your hols!! Think you and dh need a serious chat at how he allowed this to drag on and preferring to get you upset.