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Original poster

How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

600 replies

BloomsButtons · 26/12/2018 13:59

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 28/12/2018 15:32

You want him to override years of his mother's manipulation in one thread?

Yes

And he managed to do just that when the OP gave him no other solution. Didn't he?

Funny how mens' spines can grow soooooo quickly when needs must. Eh? 🤪

NorthernSpirit · 28/12/2018 15:51

Glad it’s sorted for now OP but you need to make sure this doesn’t repeat.

These people need very clear boundaries and communication.

Are you British OP? No need to be overly polite in situations such as this.

My partners parents pulled this stunt the first Christmas they were invited. They were meant to come for 3 days which turned into 7 nights and me having a melt down. They can’t do anything in their own (including making a cup of tea). They bring 2 weeks worth of stuff for a 3 day stay and clutter the house..... this particular year I walked to my friends empty house on the 27th and spent the afternoon on her sofa drinking a bottle of her wine.

I politely told them that 7 days was too much for me. And in the future they’d have to stay in the nearby premier inn.

They’ve got the message loud and clear. It may seem rude but to be honest for my own sanity I can’t see any other way.

YearOfYouRemember · 28/12/2018 16:01

So not only is your FH putting himself and his mother before you he's putting himself and his mother before his child who has additional needs and is being caused upset by his dickheadness.

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Original poster
BloomsButtons · 28/12/2018 16:05

Thanks for the support, I was beginning to feel like I was losing my mind.

There will be extremely firm boundaries in place for any future visits and I'm hoping I won't have to face one until well after Easter! I can't have this scenario replay again in the future.

MIL is 80 and has some health problems but is sharp as a pin and has the hide of a rhino, although she's realised she's 'beaten' this time and is being very sweet now Hmm.

I'll let you all know when they've gone tomorrow, I'll be on the celebratory Gin

OP posts:
Smurfybubbles · 28/12/2018 16:07

I've been following this thread and I'm so glad you finally got this sorted! You need time to unwind before you head back to work/kids back to school. It's impossible to relax when you have visitors staying no matter who they are or how helpful they can be!
Gin all round!!!!

RandomMess · 28/12/2018 16:10

I really hope your "D"H has learned from this...!

JakeBallardswife · 28/12/2018 16:11

Well done OP. We’ve just done 3 days with MIL & I’ve awarded myself a medal.

She’s invited herself here in a few weeks, which is fine. However on the way home today DH asked why she was coming up so soon....

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2018 16:24

Very pleased he sorted this in the end, though it's a shame it took you to leave for him to see sense. I wouldn't put much store in "his Mum felt she'd upset me" either, since her snippy comments suggest that's exactly what she intended - the "sweet" act now can so easily be replaced with something less pleasant

On the positive side, at least she should soon be gone and you can plan very carefully for any future visits ... though I'd give a lot to be a fly on the wall of that car when he takes her back!!

thebaronetofcockburn · 28/12/2018 16:41

Good result!

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 28/12/2018 16:48

Congratulations OP!

Just be wary of what she'll be saying to him on the drive home, though; "Oh Bloom is so sensitive, isn't she. It must be hard for you, dear". Simper simper. Make sure you therefore emphasise to him that you don't want to entertain her any more than he does, and that this is not due to any particular sensitivity on your part; it is NORMAL and his mother is taking the piss.

OliviaBenson · 28/12/2018 16:56

Very pleased op. Although if I were you I'd be having stern words with your H. It should not have taken you going to your mums upset for him to act.

wavesmax · 28/12/2018 17:14

Can't help but feel your DH has allowed for it to come across like this is all coming from you.

Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 28/12/2018 17:18

Dh will come out of this smelling of roses to his dm - he obviously gives zero fucks to how you are thought of or how you feel. Would seriously make me consider my future.

Crimbobimbo · 28/12/2018 17:31

Can't help but feel your DH has allowed for it to come across like this is all coming from you.

I agree. Outrageous.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 28/12/2018 17:42

Poor op what a stressful christmas you've had, but just one in a long line of dils being imposed upon by mils and dh who won't stand up thier mums but certainly don't want to spend any time with them either.

Cattus · 28/12/2018 18:03

The unfortunate side effect of this is that he and she can now convince themselves that you were a bit overwrought so they ha e had to pussyfoot round you, rather than the truth that she has been outrageous and he has been pathetic.

user1467536289 · 28/12/2018 18:05

I remember, a long time ago, asking my mother in law how long she would be staying at her daughters (my husband's sister) over Christmas and the answer was - "as long as they'll have me". It's so lovely to be in the middle of a family again.
It really hits you hard when you hear something like that - that all this talk of people being lonely at Christmas applies to a member of your family!

She never stayed with us - but we all got together wherever she was staying - or rented a cottage.
The burden shouldn't all be on you - she just wants to be a part of family life, not on her own. It can be hard work - we transfer our own needs onto our guests - thinking they want attention the whole time but generally they just want to be with someone else!

SauvignonBlanche · 28/12/2018 18:07

Enjoy the peace Xmas Grin

Gth1234 · 28/12/2018 18:09

"This be the verse" Philip Larkin

Not sure if I can post links, but it's as true as it ever was.

user1467536289 · 28/12/2018 18:15

I didn't mean that as a guilt trip comment at all, but I felt it may have come across as that. You aren't the only relatives and it would be better if others could say "we want MIL to come for New Year" or "Lets all do a Centre Parcs or something" - you shouldn't be taking the whole holiday on your shoulders.
We will all be grandma's and grandpa's (if we're lucky) one day - and it's going to be everyone's responsibility to accommodate both the eldest and youngest family members - but it shouldn't all be down to one family

Snowballs4ever · 28/12/2018 18:15

Glad it's sorted short term OP, but I wouldn't be able to get past years of second place to your husbands mum. He's only acted under extreme pressure and hasn't shown you respect now or in the past. It sounds like even now, you're made out to be the problem, not him and his mother.

etcher70 · 28/12/2018 18:16

I'm afraid my Mum is like this too and I find it really hard.
I love her very much - but she always comes with enough 'stuff' to stay for 3 weeks (despite us not having a huge house and asking her not to).
We agree dates for her to stay - but she always mentions to me - and the children - that she can stay an extra day, or two, or three if needed. And she's always slightly put out when she goes home even if it's the day we'd agreed. I find it really hard as I don't want to offend her but we do need some time / space to ourselves too.
I find myself trying to think of excuses.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 28/12/2018 18:20

My (adult) s/d arrives every year the same day we finish work sometimes before the one of us who finishes last get home! She then in the past would stay right up until the day before we start back!

I love her and really enjoy seeing her because she is lovely but due to the autism she isn't great sometimes socially and also doesn't help or even get herself a glass of juice on her own etc she also has issues with hygiene and trying to get her in the shower without a battle or tears can be hard etc.

So that would be arriving on the 21st December and leaving on the 4th of January!

After a three or four years of this and telling her it would be nice for us to have even a couple of days on our own without people staying hints being missed we one year just said the rule is that whoever comes to stay over Christmas can stay for a week then it's home. We need a break (without cooking etc for others) before going back to work.

Now the rules are set before anyone actually gets to the house there is no ambiguity or asking when your setting off home!

Rosettarose0808 · 28/12/2018 18:26

Maybe she’s incredibly lonely and your DH needs to grow a pair?

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/12/2018 18:27

Isn’t it interesting that DH managed to find the balls to act only when things became uncomfortable for him? I’d be having serious words with him OP. He has let you down very badly and I certainly wouldn’t let this pass unnoticed. Enjoy the rest of your holiday. 💐

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