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How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

600 replies

BloomsButtons · 26/12/2018 13:59

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 28/12/2018 13:09

I’m sorry OP, that’s really shit.

RCohle · 28/12/2018 13:14

I'm so sorry OP, I hope you're ok.

CoraPirbright · 28/12/2018 13:26

Oh I am so sorry OP Sad

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GhostSauce · 28/12/2018 13:51

Oh no

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/12/2018 14:04

Oh no, I’m really sorry. I hope you manage some well earned rest Thanks

Mummylife2018 · 28/12/2018 14:17

Omg what an arsehole..... Sounds like my ex whom I have just split from. His Mum ALWAYS came before me or my DD. If he was late home (he lives with her) she would be texting saying "What's happening? When will he be home?"

Anyway, mummy's boys will ALWSYS be mummy's boys!! They will NEVER EVER change. Impossible. It's more likely to win the lottery 3 times in a month.....

So sorry ThanksGin

RandomMess · 28/12/2018 14:17
Sad

So sorry to read you've ended up at your Mum's I had hoped he'd grow up and sort it!

Putitdownnow · 28/12/2018 14:43

@Mummylife2018

Sorry your experience was so bad and it contributed to the end of your marriage. But that is your experience only.

Given the Op is having a bad time at the moment, it's perhaps more helpful to be hopeful and start with the position that people can change and maybe her DH will surprise her?

MamaLovesMango · 28/12/2018 15:00

Just RTFT. OP Flowers Sounds like this conclusion to the MIL problem has been a long time coming Sad

BloomsButtons · 28/12/2018 15:10

Update
She's going home tomorrow and the boys will see their brother Grin.

This morning was awful and when I went to my Mums I was sobbing all over the place. I left the boys at home as they, being teens, we're still in bed. I spent the morning and early afternoon being looked after by my Mum.

DH eventually phoned to tell me everything was sorted and he's taking everyone to the city tomorrow. He said his Mum felt she'd upset me and that while he thought she wanted to stay he'd told her that it would be easier for us if she went home tomorrow.

I left it about an hour and then came home where everyone has been very civil. They'll be off in the morning so they're at MIL for lunch.

I cannot believe how hard this has been but am so relieved that DH finally got things sorted.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 28/12/2018 15:12

Fantastic!

Putitdownnow · 28/12/2018 15:15

Well done Op. Brilliant outcome.

RCohle · 28/12/2018 15:15

I'm very pleased OP! I hope you get the chance to enjoy some relaxing family time before term starts.

WitchDancer · 28/12/2018 15:16

Brilliant news!

Drum2018 · 28/12/2018 15:17

Well well, didn't take him long to realise that being left alone with her wasn't such fun!! Good on you for standing your ground in such a shit situation. Let them all off tomorrow and have a fabulous day chilling out. Give it a few days but early in the new year have a word about the whole thing and make sure he knows that anymore he can go to her house for visits.

TillyVonMilly · 28/12/2018 15:19

I’m pleased that she’s going home tomorrow but your husband also needs to realise that it’s his actions that have caused you so much upset

dmango · 28/12/2018 15:19

Aw I'm so pleased for you....having some time to yourself during the holidays is soo important
brilliant update

MamaLovesMango · 28/12/2018 15:20

Great news that DH came through in the end OP. I hope she does know that she’s upset you and that nobody is shying away from that fact. She needs to be held accountable for the way she has made you feel, as does your DH for not sticking by you and your children.

madmumofteens · 28/12/2018 15:22

Great update OP glad she is going home tomorrow very sad it had to come to you having to leave take care x

Gina2012 · 28/12/2018 15:24

Thank god DH finally grew a spine.

You now know how to play him, next time, when you need his spine to appear

elfycat · 28/12/2018 15:25

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go well. I'm sure things were horrible just as you left and I hope too many cross things weren't said.

As I said Upthread, I've had that sort of thing with DH so I might be projecting a little. The one who let me be the punchbag for his parents to use, as it spared him, from a lifetime of being their scapegoat child. Who wouldn't want time off from that? But it did damage our relationship (obviously) for a long time. Unlike others I know how otherwise sensible and lovely men can turn into something weak when confronted by domineering and abusive parents it's still abuse even if it's only that the child ends up in FOG. The parent neglected to allow their child emotional growth to become an adult - and bullies them if they try

It's funny how some people are commenting on how unattractive the OP's DH must be. WHY? Because he's supposed to be a big strong man? Give over the gender crap. He's a victim of his parents, same as a woman would be. He probably doesn't say 'no' because he can't unless he's a twat, in which case she's just married to a twat because he's in a learned panic driven position. You want him to override years of his mother's manipulation in one thread?

It's taken me over a decade to get my husband to admit that his parents are the problem; not me, not him. And when he even gently stands up to them they go on the attack and get nasty very quickly.

Of course he might just be a twat, but chances are from the descriptions of the MIL that we're talking of someone with no boundaries who only thinks of herself. He grew up with that.

He's probably a nice guy, probably even a people-pleaser. It's not about cutting apron strings, it's about building the persons self-belief up from where it was stamped into the ground at every opportunity to the point where they believe they deserve better.

But the OP needs to put her boundaries down for her own sake, and I hope that's what you've done. I hope this is a wake -up call for him that you and your children are his priority, not his mother.

Weezol · 28/12/2018 15:26

It's crazy that you've had to force his hand like this. I've followed the thread from the beginning and have wanted to step through the screen and give your H an absolute bollocking.

Now is the time to set some cast iron boundaries. In future, he visits her. She never, ever says at yours overnight again.

Mummylife2018 · 28/12/2018 15:27

@Putitdownnow I'm entitled to my opinion! OP should never have been made to go to her mums sobbing, in order to get her DH to be a man!!!

elfycat · 28/12/2018 15:29

OK cross post. I'm glad things are sorted. But if she still wanted to stay she's got skin thicker than an ice-breaker's prow. She'll try it again so next time have the exit day/hour planned.

And if she is anything like my MIL there will be 'but I only...' and no blame for any of this upset will fall on her.

FuzzyCustard · 28/12/2018 15:31

Exactly what weezol said.

I hope you get a few days of rest and recuperation after tomorrow morning. And that it never happens again.

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