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Original poster

How to ask MIL to go home on Saturday?

600 replies

BloomsButtons · 26/12/2018 13:59

MIL has been with us since Saturday. As far as DH and I knew she was coming for a week but apparently she's told our DC and my Mum that's she's here until after new year.

I need some time these holidays to chill out and DC 3&4 want to go and visit DC1 this weekend and he lives near MIL. How can I politely tell her that DH is taking DC to visit other DC and so he'll take her home at the time?

I know this doesn't seem all that hard but DH won't say anything so I'll have to do it but I don't want to cause major offence.

DC 3&4 are 14 & 12 year olds. DC1 is 24.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2018 23:26

She criticises, is rude and while she's here my children hide upstairs

Oh fantastic ... so that's the DCs hiding away as well as your feeble mummy's boy, and you're expected to pick up the pieces? Hmm

The PP was right; you're in this mess because DH would rather upset you than mummy. Time to be the one who shouts loudest for a change, I'd say

ButteryParsnips · 27/12/2018 23:26

As pp have said you need to make it more uncomfortable for him to let her stay than to take her home. So decamp to your mum's, or a friend's, or a cheap hotel (take the bottle of Baileys and the chocolates with you) once the kids have gone. Be out or ignoring her all day tomorrow. Make it clear to your husband you won't forget this.

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 27/12/2018 23:27

snitzelvoncrumb I like that!

OP posts:

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ButteryParsnips · 27/12/2018 23:28

I offered the choice of his Mum going home or me going to hers with the boys.

So what did he say to this?

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 27/12/2018 23:28

Ugh. FFS. Make sure he knows you will be deliberately making yourself scarce until she's gone, OP. Don't brook any 'You're being unkind to my poor dear mother' shit either. He's avoiding her himself!!

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 27/12/2018 23:29

Don't worry Buttery I'm out of here tomorrow once THE conversation has been had.

You all know the crazy thing? DH rolls his eyes if my mum comes by for whatever reason and yet I'm expected to put up with this HmmConfused

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/12/2018 23:31

😱

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2018 23:32

He left it with 'I'll ask Mum tomorrow when she's going'

Why is he planning to ask instead of tell?

And why exactly does he feel it's okay for you to put up with this while he's rolling his eyes and hiding away?

Amazonian27 · 27/12/2018 23:33

I would get the DC there as well and I would initiate the conversation before he has the chance to.

thebaronetofcockburn · 27/12/2018 23:37

Just leave. I'd plan to leave. He expects you to just put up with it whilst he swans off. Fuck that. 'You tell her she's leaving or I'm going to my mum's with the boys.'

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 27/12/2018 23:38

It's such ashame as behaviour like this makes you dread her and not want another visit.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/12/2018 23:40

You know he'll chicken out tomorrow, right? It's going to be left up to you. Which will be easier once you accept that she is doing this on purpose and you have (so far) let her get away with it. Imagine her deciding to stay for a month and use that thought to strengthen your resolve. Can you drive if it comes down to you having to pack her bags for her and throw them into the car so you can take her back yourself?
My MIL was an absolute angel, but my husband looked bloody terrified when I asked him what he'd think of my mother coming to stay. Fortunately I would never let that happen! As the "owner" of the repulsive parent, I totally get that it's up to me to protect other people from her.

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 27/12/2018 23:42

Zevitevitchofcwsmas I knew this visit was going to be shit. I told my colleagues it was going to be shit. But it's turned into far more of an endurance test than ever before.

I thought it was bad the year she said to me 'your ironing pile is getting too big' when I was standing in the kitchen with my coat still on and my arms full of shopping. DH brought me wine and I didn't come
downstairs for 36 hours after that.

OP posts:
Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 27/12/2018 23:43

Oh dear op!!

The non alcohol is so miserable too.

CottonTailRabbit · 27/12/2018 23:45

That's a hell of a DH problem.

All this effort and twisting yourself in knots for what? So your children can see you pissed on by a mean old woman? They hide in their rooms having a shit Christmas but you are so scared of the mean old woman tutting that you don't tell her to get out. They see their father being a complete limp lettuce and you going along with it.

Show the children how to adult like an adult. Model the proper behaviour. She goes tomorrow because you need time alone. You bundle her into the car and take her home. She can tut and whine all the way. Who has the steelier ovaries?

Your husband is a selfish dick but that's one to tackle another day. This week you bloody make yourself the bloody boss no matter what stupid whining and excuses they come up with. How the hell will you be a successful teacher if you can't face down this kind of shite with stony refusal, a Paddington stare and a willingness to make it so?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/12/2018 23:54

Just spoke with DH who asked me what was happening with the boys

Fucking hell. Does he even know how to put his pants on the right way round when you’re not there?

DH rolls his eyes if my mum comes by for whatever reason and yet I'm expected to put up with this

The absolute cheek of him.

Your cortisol levels must be through the roof living with him. Mine are elevated just reading about him!

Drum2018 · 27/12/2018 23:54

I can't believe your DH would put his mothers demands before your children's visit to their sibling this weekend. Why should they have to wait to go when the visit has been arranged already? Does he honestly think it's ok to disappoint the kids just to save himself having to tell his mother it's time to fuck off home. If he's not willing to grow a pair then have a large glass or 5 of something strong for Dutch courage and spell it out to her that she is going home on Saturday. Bonus if she thinks you're a bitch as she hopefully won't want to come and stay again. From now on let mammy's boy visit her house.

wavesmax · 27/12/2018 23:58

Your husband is not spending enough time with his mom or should I say choosing to spend time with her. Leave them alone together and he will soon get rid of her.

I've been in a similar situation, DH would leave the room or house for hours leaving me to entertain his mother. He left it all to me.

Go see a friend, shopping, family emergency anything that forces them together.....she will be gone before Saturday!

Good luck, stand your ground. It's your turf she's pissing on. Make alternative plans now for next Christmas.

cavycavy · 28/12/2018 00:05

I need to know how this turns out!

Good luck @OP

Ibizama · 28/12/2018 00:06

Op?

AGHHHH · 28/12/2018 00:09

@Ibizama original poster aka person who started the thread

Original poster
BloomsButtons · 28/12/2018 00:13

My plan for tomorrow is this:

  • Make sure THE conversation happens ASAP.
  • If DH chickens out or goes with his mothers decision of when to leave I am out of here and moving in with Mum.
  • On Saturday I will pick up the boys and we'll head to the city for 5 days of being tourists, seeing in the NY and seeing DS1. No, I don't plan on being at home for NY if MIL is still here.

Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping I don't have to put this plan into action. But if I do then we have a serious (more than it already is) problem. DH will resent me for forcing a choice, I'll resent him for putting me through this and my poor sons will be caught in the crossfire.

I've not mentioned DS2 here. He has HF ASD and is finding it hard to cope with MIL always being around. He's not a very 'people-y' person and is hoping she goes home soon as he can see I'm upset.

OP posts:
AGHHHH · 28/12/2018 00:13

OP your husband needs to grow a pair. It's HIS mother! I wouldn't be putting up with this.

I'd probably say something like "right, we said Saturday was when you were going home I think. What time is best for you?"

If she feigns innocence again say sorry but as much as a pleasure it has been seeing her (lol), you really need an empty house the last few days of the holiday to have some you time.

blueeyedpie · 28/12/2018 00:26

I'm horrified for you OP. Hope your DH grows a pair tomorrow, I'd be fuming.

Amazonian27 · 28/12/2018 00:42

Glad you have a plan OP poor you and poor DC’s. Everyone needs some down time at Christmas. Does your FH not have any other siblings or has she used up any good will there?
My DH didn’t see his mums visits as a big deal until she visited for just over a week once when he was unemployed. I was in work and planned a cinema trip, a visit to
My mother’s and a night visiting a friend to coincide with her visit. He got tired of playing host, her incessant chatter, having to entertain her, shit tv, questions about what was for tea and asking where he was when he went to the loo etc. He has forgotten this so needs reminding this next visit.

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