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Original poster

Son finds it difficult having posh and not posh sides to the family?

316 replies

arrian · 25/12/2018 23:56

Hello, hope you are all having a good christmas. Just had an interesting conversation with 18 yo ds in the car home from relatives.

He was saying he finds it really difficult having two very different sides to the family
. I think it’s exaggerated, or more obvious by the fact that he saw both my family and dh family today.

I was brought up on a council estate, went off to university, got myself a fairly good professional job. I am much better off now than when I was growing up. My sisters didn’t move from the town.
My parents are both very through and through normal caring working class.

My DS adores his grandparents, but complains they’re a bit boring sometimes. They’re your stereotypical northern, ex-miner brexit voter. Even in my view, quite close minded, but still lovely as family.

DH on the other hand has had a very different upbringing. He went to a top boarding school, and comes from a family that has always had a fair amount of money. His family are very educated, professionals and spread all over the world.

My DS is more like my husband, as he was brought up in a stable home in a nice area and we both had decent jobs. He is currently at Cambridge, following the foot steps of many of his paternal family members and so has a good topic to chat about.

In my eyes, I’d deffo say that DH was a posh git. Xmas Grin

My son has told me that he finds it difficult moving from one social setting to the next.

He gets funny looks from my side if he uses a long word, drinks wine, or offers an opinion on something in the news etc. They’ll make half joking comments about him being posh. My dh plays it down completely, and imitates their behavior.
Yet my son said it’s not fair that he should put a false face on.

Don’t get me wrong, he has a great laugh with my family, yet says they’re “boring” and finds conversation to be quite uninteresting; “sandra from the shop is going to Salou, she said it’s lovely”.

It doesn’t help that my parents hate my in laws with a passion, as they think they’re snooty, and will always have more money to spend on gifts, meals out.

OP posts:
00100001 · 25/12/2018 23:59

How is this only just now a problem? Confused

Tell him to grow up, we going to have to adjust to all walks of life as he begins his life in the adult world.

Holidayshopping · 26/12/2018 00:01

I agree with the previous poster. Your DS is now an adult-how is this only now a problem!?

notacooldad · 26/12/2018 00:04

At 18 your son needs to grow up.
He is being utterly ridiculous and your DH is bloody rude if he imitating your parents. Why are you allowing that to happen?

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Families
IhateBoswell · 26/12/2018 00:06

He finds it difficult at 18? Poor little lamb.

Silkei · 26/12/2018 00:07

My family is similar. DH is from a well off family and had a nice upbringing. I was raised on a council estate. However, my parents adore my DS and happily feed him, change him, babysit to give me a break, play with him, etc. DH’s parents wouldn’t dream of getting their hands dirty and have never done any of those things. They were always at work and they barely parented their own kids never mind mine. I know who is the best and most loved grandparent, and it isn’t the richest or poshest.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 26/12/2018 00:09

I don't think the DH is rude for imitating their behaviour - he's trying to fit in socially. My DH does this too, which is probably why people of the background OP describes think he's a decent sort and that I'm a bit of a weird southern twat (I'm not great at the fitting in when we really have nothing in common).

ButFirstTea · 26/12/2018 00:10

Ah those "stereotypical" northerners who can't understand long words and never drink wine eh?

CarolDanvers · 26/12/2018 00:10

He sounds like a snob. I'd be mortified if my child turned out like this and expressed these views and would squash them as flat as possible.

notacooldad · 26/12/2018 00:11

I don't think the DH is rude for imitating their behaviour - he's trying to fit in socially.
Ah, I read it differently. I read it as that he imitates them in a mocking fashion, away from the parents.

RachelDod · 26/12/2018 00:12

Is your DA seriously saying he finds it difficult mixing with people (his own family) from a different social set? How do you feel about that- personally in your shoes I'd be pretty insulted.

If he's smart enough to be at Cambridge he should be smart enough to be able to mix with people from various walks of life. I think he sounds like a typical teenager in a lot of ways- trying to find his way and saying things for effect.

Do you think he looks down on your parents as it sounds as though he does... I'd be stamping out that attitude straight away and reminding him that it's all well and good taking advantage of things your father's money has afforded you, but basic human decency and an appreciation or empathy for those not in the same circumstances as you are vital life skills.

MrsChollySawcutt · 26/12/2018 00:12

Plenty of posters are making this about the DS and DH needing to accommodate the OPs family. For balance, the OPs family are being just as rude by calling her son 'posh' and making fun of him for using long words etc.

Sounds like some tolerance and understanding is needed all around, no wonder everyone is uncomfortable.

notacooldad · 26/12/2018 00:13

He sounds like a snob. I'd be mortified if my child turned out like this and expressed these views and would squash them as flat as possible

Absolutely!.

GypsyRoseTea · 26/12/2018 00:14

What’s wrong with Sandra going to Salou then?

Picklepickle123 · 26/12/2018 00:15

I don't think it's immature for your DS to have had this conversation, it's a good perception to gave of his own life. I think your role as his DM would be to guide him through the intricacies of social interactions which are out of his normal comfort zone. As a PP has said, this will become more and more common as he graduates and joins the workforce.

I think you should be proud that he's not developed into a snobby kid - I speak from experience this can happen with children from mixed background parents.

MarcieBluebell · 26/12/2018 00:17

He needs to be able to socialise with all different people. A lot of kids are bored on xmas tbh. He just has to get on with it. He needs to show some humility.

Threeminis · 26/12/2018 00:19

What’s wrong with Sandra going to Salou then?

This..

Drogosnextwife · 26/12/2018 00:19

Well your ds does sound a bit snobby tbf.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 26/12/2018 00:20

I think people are missing the point that the poorer side of the family are mocking him and making him feel uncomfortable if he uses “posh” words or seems more sophisticated than the average working class 18yo.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 26/12/2018 00:20

notacooldad hopefully OP will confirm which version is correct!

It's hard when you really don't have any overlap at all with the people you're seeing - I have this with some members of my extended family.

Kids? I can talk about mine but they're not interested (fair enough, why would they be).
TV? I mention something I've seen and get weirdo face. Same for books. Presumably no overlapping tastes.
Current events? Either disinterest or polar opposite views, which doesn't breed comfortable chatter.
Health? Ok for a while but if you stray from the 'Oh that must be awful' path they look at you funny (I work in medicine and am interested in it as a topic generally).
Food? I'm vegan so people shy away anyway Grin
General conversation? If your way of speaking is significantly different to those around you (more long-winded, less direct, not in keeping with expected gender norms, reference to aforementioned unstated interests) it does make things stilted. Trying to match how your company speaks (subtly) helps, but runs the risk of making you look like you're taking the piss.

I can see how an 18yo might struggle tbh, and not just due to snobbery!

UrsulaPandress · 26/12/2018 00:21

Ha ha ha

WeeBeasties · 26/12/2018 00:21

I think effort also needs to be made from OP's family to not be so rude taking the mick out of him, and take an interest in the things he likes rather than expecting him to just fall in line with them.

Cel982 · 26/12/2018 00:21

I don't know why people are up in arms about the OP's son broaching this topic in conversation. She didn't say that he whinged about it, or went off on a rant. Just that they spoke about it. Is it unacceptable to discuss navigating tricky social situations with your own parent?

For balance, the OPs family are being just as rude by calling her son 'posh' and making fun of him for using long words etc.

Also, this.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 26/12/2018 00:22

*unshar

Honeyroar · 26/12/2018 00:22

My stepson became a little like this (probably from the same age) and very much favours the side with money. I find it quite upsetting and and quite vulgar of him. You really need to pull him up for this snobbish behaviour before it becomes normal for him.

HamiltonCork · 26/12/2018 00:23

Your DS sounds utterly insufferable.