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Original poster

Son finds it difficult having posh and not posh sides to the family?

316 replies

arrian · 25/12/2018 23:56

Hello, hope you are all having a good christmas. Just had an interesting conversation with 18 yo ds in the car home from relatives.

He was saying he finds it really difficult having two very different sides to the family
. I think it’s exaggerated, or more obvious by the fact that he saw both my family and dh family today.

I was brought up on a council estate, went off to university, got myself a fairly good professional job. I am much better off now than when I was growing up. My sisters didn’t move from the town.
My parents are both very through and through normal caring working class.

My DS adores his grandparents, but complains they’re a bit boring sometimes. They’re your stereotypical northern, ex-miner brexit voter. Even in my view, quite close minded, but still lovely as family.

DH on the other hand has had a very different upbringing. He went to a top boarding school, and comes from a family that has always had a fair amount of money. His family are very educated, professionals and spread all over the world.

My DS is more like my husband, as he was brought up in a stable home in a nice area and we both had decent jobs. He is currently at Cambridge, following the foot steps of many of his paternal family members and so has a good topic to chat about.

In my eyes, I’d deffo say that DH was a posh git. Xmas Grin

My son has told me that he finds it difficult moving from one social setting to the next.

He gets funny looks from my side if he uses a long word, drinks wine, or offers an opinion on something in the news etc. They’ll make half joking comments about him being posh. My dh plays it down completely, and imitates their behavior.
Yet my son said it’s not fair that he should put a false face on.

Don’t get me wrong, he has a great laugh with my family, yet says they’re “boring” and finds conversation to be quite uninteresting; “sandra from the shop is going to Salou, she said it’s lovely”.

It doesn’t help that my parents hate my in laws with a passion, as they think they’re snooty, and will always have more money to spend on gifts, meals out.

OP posts:
Frogletmamma · 26/12/2018 07:44

Mother went to a posh boarding school. Father lived on a rough council estate. I got taken the mickey out of relentlessly by one side of the family for going to a posh grammar. Really it is very very annoying

Warpdrive · 26/12/2018 07:54

OP you have forgotten where you came from. Your self- perceived superiority has clouded your view of your own family. You need to have a word with yourself.
No wonder your own kid has trouble fitting in with your family - it’s because you look down on them and condescend to them.

LoniceraJaponica · 26/12/2018 07:57

It seems that both parties are at fault here. Also, has he only felt like this since starting university?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Nenic · 26/12/2018 07:58

As usual on mumsnet, inverted snobbery is absolutely fine. Your family are appalling. Feel sorry for your DS

derxa · 26/12/2018 07:58

Hilarious

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2018 08:00

Due to various work/family/school situations as a family we mix with a huge variety of people, from ( literally) landed gentry to single parents in council housing
My DC have no problem with it whatsoever and have never felt uncomfortable .We say that there will always be people richer than you as there will always be people poorer than you
Sounds like the problem is a bit of snobbery on the part of your son and a bit of inverted snobbery from your family

Kokeshi123 · 26/12/2018 08:12

People are being really quick to criticize this boy for being a snob, but appear not to have noticed that the GPs are doing things like making "half-joking comments about him being posh," giving him funny looks for using long words and so on. They sound quite rude and chippy, actually.

Weightsandmeasures · 26/12/2018 08:18

People with real class can fit into any situation, without judging those who might be considered to be of a lower social status than themselves

Absolutely! If at 18 your son isn't able to do that, you need to teach him fast. I don't know what career he intends to pursue but it will serve him well if he can develop this social skill.

Moreover, we live in a multi-cultural and international world. Not everyone buys into, act according to or understands this class malarkey. He might trip up royally if he isn't able to rub shoulders with all sorts, including non-wine drinkers who do not understand long words, or whose first language may not be English, etc, etc.

OhTheRoses · 26/12/2018 08:23

What a horrible thread.

I am from a very well heeled, posh background. DH is from what were originally northern mining people albeit his parents were engineer/teacher. They still hark on about being working class (like a Duracell battery tbh).

I have been the endless butt of endless snide comments for nearly 30 years. My mother would never, ever be so rude and neither would I or my children although I have learnt over the years to quietly bat it back. "What exactly is a family like mine then MIL" "yes, they are new".

DH knows I can handle them and I certainly have never felt the urge to blend - why would I - they can accept me for what and who I am as my family have accepted DH. What surprises me is that your DH simply blends and let's them take the piss out of your son, neither DH nor I would stand for that.

KnightlyMyMan · 26/12/2018 08:33

I’m mid twenties and grew up exactly like this. Dads family have huge houses, shop exclusively at John Lewis, ski twice a year and summer at the family estate in the south of France whilst mums family live in notorious council estates, shop exclusively at Aldi, might go to haven or butlins once a year, and smoke heavily 😂

Personally, despite fitting in much more with dads side, I much prefer my mums as they’re not at all pretentious and I have a lovely time with them. They think I’m posh but it’s not an issue. I did struggle as a teen though. Your son is just finding out who he is atm, if he prefers your DH’s family then don’t push yours on him, but I think he shall come around xx

BubonicWoman · 26/12/2018 08:36

Haven't you raised a nice lady Hmm
Perhaps try teaching him manners

YouCouldBeMe · 26/12/2018 08:39

He needs to know how to communicate with a variety of people. Sad that at 18 you have all just identified he's lacking at this

StealthPolarBear · 26/12/2018 08:40

Poor Sandra. Doesnt know whether she's coming or going.

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2018 08:41

Well no she hasn’t bubonic unless he wishes to identify as one 😁

BubonicWoman · 26/12/2018 08:45

GrinGrinGrin
Lad it auto corrected. Autocorrect doesn't like flat cap wearing northerners either

ForAMinuteThere · 26/12/2018 08:50

I think your ds should just be himself. As long as he's not being snooty or putting their conversations down to them, that would obviously be awful. Your family do need to accept that he might have a different stance in life and that's fine. I think it's quite good he's been honest with you really, a lot of 18 year olds might internalise it all then go off and bitch about it. At least he acknowledges it which means he probably does care about it all.

HelloToJasonIsaacs · 26/12/2018 08:51

It’s all very well to say “true class is being able to fit in anywhere” but code switching is a skill - some take to it naturally and some need to learn it with maturity. And if an untalented teenager tries and fails, without the skills his father has learned over a lifetime, then it could go horribly wrong and come out as a piss take. Combine that with an audience who are going to have a go at him for the slightest thing anyway, and the social minefield involved with mocking “banter” between parties who don’t share the same ground rules and it’s not really surprising that he’s either nervous or decided it’s not worth the effort. However, it’s a valuable life skill, and he’s stuck with that family for your lifetime at least, so he needs to knuckle down and make an effort. Get your DH to talk him through the basics: common ground, err on the side of overestimating them, no religion or politics.

And for all the posters who’ve used examples of their WC families who are lovely and warm by contrast with their cold and pretentious MC in-laws : how the hell is your particular example relevant? I once knew a working class woman who were deaf, maybe OP’s isn’t speaking clearly enough?

The OP hasn’t suggested that her in-laws are anything other than nice, but her own family are certainly making their grandchild uncomfortable - which doesn’t sound warm and lovely to me. I’m assuming that if her in-laws were evil snobs she’d have mentioned it.

Bakingberry · 26/12/2018 09:02

I think OP and her son are getting a bit of a hard time. I've encountered a similar situation in my life, and it became disappointingly obvious who was making an effort and who wasn't. When you're 18, your still trying to find yourself. You are competing to stand out at university, and then the work place. The instinct is to push your true self forward, not to hide your personality to fit in with family members who are judging you.

Notasunnybunny · 26/12/2018 09:03

The true mark of class is being able to mix in any circle and find common ground and make conversation. It’s poor form for them to mock his mannerisms but he needs to learn to glide over this sort of thing in social situations recognising it for what it is which is probably a degree of intimidation and embarrassment.

18 is still very young, he has much growing up to do but it will happen.

user1494066152 · 26/12/2018 09:07

Sounds familiar for a kid on his first holiday home from uni... we live in a deprived council estate and my own sons first Christmas visit home from uni he was a complete arse about where we live and the area etc...

Went to uni and mixed with the posh kids for a few weeks 🙄

He's about to start his masters now and has grown up no end! Thankfully

TheFuckfaceWhisperer · 26/12/2018 09:10

Ah those "stereotypical" northerners who can't understand long words and never drink wine eh?

This.

You all sound as bad as each other to be honest.

MissEliza · 26/12/2018 09:17

The true mark of class is being able to mix in any circle. I've always said this.

riotlady · 26/12/2018 09:18

I understand where he’s coming from a bit, actually. I was always unofficially “the chavvy one” at my sixth form iand at university and yet also “the posh one” or “the clever one” around family and friends. It’s not the end of the world and it’s good to mix with a range of people, but sometimes it is a little wearing to always feel like the odd one out.

Weightsandmeasures · 26/12/2018 09:21

Ohtheroses, it's not about blending or changing to be like others. It is basic respect and humility. It's simply being able to rub shoulders with all and sundry without judging them based on their background, class, race, and assuming an air of superiority.

Even if he is teased by his mum's family, it is not an excuse for him to behave as the OP described. If the reason was his complaint was simply on account of them teasing him, I'd understand. However, based on the OP's post, it sounds like he finds dealing with them troublesome because of their "class".

I'm also puzzled by what is meant by posh. Drinking wine, using long words, and going to a Russel Group university makes one posh?

On this thread, posh seems to be the equivalent of middle class although I'm still confused by the wine drinking being a mark of poshness.

x2boys · 26/12/2018 09:22

Why is it oh so hilarious to live on a council estate shop at Aldi and go to Butlins or Haven once a year Knightly? Sounds like my life Xmas Hmm people are people i think some british people are so fixated with "class" and differances they cant see the similarities, i grew up in a large four bed semi ,I never had a problem either going to my mums brothers house at xmas he is a QC, and lived in a large deteched house with lots of land and fishing rights on the river that ran past the bottom of his garden , and than the next day we would go to my paternal grandparents small terrace in manchester .