Son finds it difficult having posh and not posh sides to the family?

[arrian]

Hello, hope you are all having a good christmas. Just had an interesting conversation with 18 yo ds in the car home from relatives.

He was saying he finds it really difficult having two very different sides to the family
. I think it’s exaggerated, or more obvious by the fact that he saw both my family and dh family today.

I was brought up on a council estate, went off to university, got myself a fairly good professional job. I am much better off now than when I was growing up. My sisters didn’t move from the town.
My parents are both very through and through normal caring working class.

My DS adores his grandparents, but complains they’re a bit boring sometimes. They’re your stereotypical northern, ex-miner brexit voter. Even in my view, quite close minded, but still lovely as family.

DH on the other hand has had a very different upbringing. He went to a top boarding school, and comes from a family that has always had a fair amount of money. His family are very educated, professionals and spread all over the world.

My DS is more like my husband, as he was brought up in a stable home in a nice area and we both had decent jobs. He is currently at Cambridge, following the foot steps of many of his paternal family members and so has a good topic to chat about.

In my eyes, I’d deffo say that DH was a posh git.

My son has told me that he finds it difficult moving from one social setting to the next.

He gets funny looks from my side if he uses a long word, drinks wine, or offers an opinion on something in the news etc. They’ll make half joking comments about him being posh. My dh plays it down completely, and imitates their behavior.
Yet my son said it’s not fair that he should put a false face on.

Don’t get me wrong, he has a great laugh with my family, yet says they’re “boring” and finds conversation to be quite uninteresting; “sandra from the shop is going to Salou, she said it’s lovely”.

It doesn’t help that my parents hate my in laws with a passion, as they think they’re snooty, and will always have more money to spend on gifts, meals out.

This is great advice:
Could his dad have a word with him about fitting in? About it being about fitting-in to this group in the way he is (probably unconsciously) doing with his peers at college, rather than about being false? It sounds like your DH has got a grip on how to move between classes in a way that your DS might find helpful.

The Guardian is a dreadful rag these days. Read something better!

Agreed. I think it's basically a left-wing tabloid tbh.

I completely agree that the Guardian has gone downhill. Just not sure what to replace it with!

People with real class can fit into any situation, without judging those who might be considered to be of a lower social status than themselves.

^ This.

I think OP is getting a bit of a rough ride here tbh. Although maybe she could have done more when DS was younger so that the differences aren't so stark now.

My DC have spent enough time with my family that small things don't register with them anymore. But also my family wouldn't take the piss out of them for not being 'council' either.

The only example I can think of is DD being utterly bemused at her nan making gravy from bisto and not from the meat juices! DM thought it was bloody hilarious though. She wouldn't take the piss or feel slighted by it. My DC love going to that side of the family, I would hate them to be snobbish towards them as they get older.

Eeek and cringe. Sorry your son is a snob OP. If it's any consolation lots of 1st yrs come home for Xmas with an air of uppity. It does wear off in most cases.

In essence you son is a young adult who thinks he knows it all. Hopefully he'll learn that as adults we're all winging it! And people wing it in different ways but we are in fact all doing the same thing which is trying out best

He gets funny looks from my side if he uses a long word, drinks wine, or offers an opinion on something in the news etc. They’ll make half joking comments about him being posh.

That does not show your family in a good light - and his father imitating the behaviour must be quite unpleasant for your son. What's wrong with drinking wine? More to the point, what would they prefer him to drink?

My son has told me that he finds it difficult moving from one social setting to the next.

Your son ought to be commended for admitting this, he has come to his mum with a problem instead of pulling away from your family. People develop different skill sets at different paces, learning to move between two very different social environments takes time and often guidance. The move to university has most likely highlighted his transition to adulthood, something which can easily throw a spotlight on peoples differences.

Yet my son said it’s not fair that he should put a false face on

This is one of the most difficult aspects of growing up - or at least it was for me. I was taught to be honest, to tell the truth, and to be true to myself and my beliefs...then I was taught the list of 'exceptions' to the rules about being honest. The whole thing was more complex than the rules of English grammar, the list of exceptions ends up longer than the list of times when the rule is valid. Learning to 'fake' the appropriate behaviours is a valuable skill, having to fake it around family is not a nice situation to be in (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

Talk to your son, help him develop the skill set he needs, but don't dismiss the fact that your family are not setting a good example.

Please explain to him not all working class people are the same. Some have been known to drink wine, appreciate culture and hold interesting conversations. Just as not all posh people are cold, unfriendly and snotty. If he doesnt feel comfortable with your family it may be colouring his views. At 18 he should of course be past this stage.

Interesting.
I had a similar sort of situation within my own immediate family - my Dad was very educated but from a working class background, my mum was far less educated and also from working class background.
I went to a posh girls secondary school, and mixed with a completely different type of people than my siblings, who went to a local state comprehensive.

There were accusations of poshness from my siblings - maybe I was, certainly I was different in outlook to them.

My Dad also mixed with very educated people, whereas my mum would find herself feeling out of her depth and self-conscious if she accompanied him.

My siblings stayed with their working class roots, whereas I moved more in professional middle class circles, and still do.

They scoff at me, I don't get on with some of the people they socialise with, but they're siblings, not grandparents, so it's never really been an issue, we just don't socialise much.

Your DS needs to accept his grandparents for who they are, and realise that education and class are not everything - if they love him and are kind to him, then that's what matters. Equally your parents need to NOT take the piss out of him because he's been brought up differently to how you were - that's just unreasonable and sounds like "reverse snobbery", something no one should have to suffer in their own home. (I did, it isn't comfortable to live with).

If you're parents are WC so are you.

Yet my son said it’s not fair that he should put a false face on
Has he never mixed with working class people?
What kind of bubble have you brought him up in?!

He's going have to learn to put 'a face on' for when he leaves to join the REAL world....might be easier if you took the silver spoon out of his mouth.

If he considers himself to be much more educated and superior to his grandparents then he should really have any problems keeping a conversation going/being polite for a couple of hours.

SoleBizz that is just not true. Much as I am not a fan of the class system in this country, social mobility is a thing.

The point being missed here is that the vast majority of Oxbridge graduates won't ever have to interact with the plebs and serfs on anything but the most superficial level, so it's not surprising that he already holds these attitudes at just 18.

Their place in the 'upstairs, downstairs' class system is reinforced from the moment they step foot into a gilded Oxbridge college. The lowly ''staff' - all from working class backgrounds like the OPs family - are there to 'serve' them from day one.

They're quintessential establishment institutions designed as sophisticated 'finishing schools' for the English upper middle class.

From Victorian times up until the 1950s, Oxford and Cambridge universities existed primarily to churn out public school boys to run the institutions of Empire, but today their main remit is to furnish the money laundering Square Mile and associated professional services that include, amongst other things, politics.

Similar situation. My family are the ‘posher’ ones. However it as always been DHs familythat have helped me out with childcare and come to my rescue. My family would offer to help but twice when we did ask -twice - suddenly they were busy. So I will take working class anytime thankyou.

I'm from a working class northern family. My parents sent to to a private school which I loved. My whole family spent years mocking the way I spoke and not understanding my interest in certain things. Calling me "posh". It's really not very pleasant.

That said, your son certainly should be capable of mixing with people from a variety of social backgrounds.

It’s normal at his age to prefer people who are more cultured. On the face of it your in laws are more interesting. Fair enough. But that doesn’t make your side of the family boring. It’s just growing pains. As he gets older he’ll learn to appreciate people for who they are. The sad truth is that when you strip back to privilege many of the type of people that you describe your in laws to be are just as vapid and unintelligent than their less educated counter parts. Parroting back what you read in the economist isn’t any different to ‘Sandra is doing x’. If your son is intelligent and discerning he will get over the intellectualist show and see the real value in his family connections. If he’s shallow and vapid then his turning into a snob is the least of your worries.

If he can’t tailor his communication to his audience authentically he’s going to be shit at work. This absolutely needs to be resolved. Posh snobs don’t tend to do well in the real world if they aren’t relateable.

They’re your stereotypical northern, ex-miner brexit voter

Dear lord, the rubbish some people write on here.

It sounds like it’s not only your husband and son who look down their noses at them.

Could his dad have a word with him about fitting in? About it being about fitting-in to this group in the way he is (probably unconsciously) doing with his peers at college, rather than about being false? It sounds like your DH has got a grip on how to move between classes in a way that your DS might find helpful.

^
This

Tell him it’s not about a false face, but about empathy.

He does not have to lie to them - eg doesn’t have to say he hates uni and that it’s snobby. But he might find it useful to highlight things where he can have common ground with them - haircuts, laundry, cooking/meals are all things students do too. Collective moan about rising costs and debt levels. Ask DH to give him some good phrases to use if someone takes the mickey out of him (eg ‘yeah I know it’s ridiculous but if there’s a served meal with wine in a beautiful hall for only £15 - it’s not actually bad value’). Gentle self-deprecation goes a long way. It’s a great way for DS to learn social skills and can be useful at college/work too (my brother’s tutor found it refreshing to talk about where the best place to get a haircut was).

Talk to DS about the great things your parents do too. Some of my relatives have overcome poverty and adversity despite few qualifications - because they worked hard, saved. Some go to extraordinary lengths to be hospitable and kind even if money is tight for them.

18 year old's who try to drink wine and discuss politics and world events are problematic, they don't really know enough or have enough worldly experience to offer much of a valuable point.
has he even as much as had a tour of a mine? has he even experienced shift work?
i'd be rolling my eyes as well.

I think people are being a bit harsh on your DS IO. He's 18 and just started uni so I wouldn't expect him to have figured out every social situation yet.

The advice about asking his Father for tips is a good one. My parents are from very mixed backgrounds and I found it hard, now I love that some of my cousins are in Tatler and the others sell as many stories as they can to Take a Break. They're all lovely people and very good fun to be with which is what matters more than anything to me.

People saying your son is snobby or "dreadful": do you think it is ok for the OP's parents to sneer at the OPs son, make fun of his interests and speech, and hate the OP's in-laws just because they have more money and education?

"People with real class can fit into any situation, without judging those who might be considered to be of a lower social status than themselves."

This 1m%

Your family are reverse snobs and professional northerners. Can't stand that type. They shouldn't make fun of an 18yo. Tell them to stop.