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Original poster

Son finds it difficult having posh and not posh sides to the family?

316 replies

arrian · 25/12/2018 23:56

Hello, hope you are all having a good christmas. Just had an interesting conversation with 18 yo ds in the car home from relatives.

He was saying he finds it really difficult having two very different sides to the family
. I think it’s exaggerated, or more obvious by the fact that he saw both my family and dh family today.

I was brought up on a council estate, went off to university, got myself a fairly good professional job. I am much better off now than when I was growing up. My sisters didn’t move from the town.
My parents are both very through and through normal caring working class.

My DS adores his grandparents, but complains they’re a bit boring sometimes. They’re your stereotypical northern, ex-miner brexit voter. Even in my view, quite close minded, but still lovely as family.

DH on the other hand has had a very different upbringing. He went to a top boarding school, and comes from a family that has always had a fair amount of money. His family are very educated, professionals and spread all over the world.

My DS is more like my husband, as he was brought up in a stable home in a nice area and we both had decent jobs. He is currently at Cambridge, following the foot steps of many of his paternal family members and so has a good topic to chat about.

In my eyes, I’d deffo say that DH was a posh git. Xmas Grin

My son has told me that he finds it difficult moving from one social setting to the next.

He gets funny looks from my side if he uses a long word, drinks wine, or offers an opinion on something in the news etc. They’ll make half joking comments about him being posh. My dh plays it down completely, and imitates their behavior.
Yet my son said it’s not fair that he should put a false face on.

Don’t get me wrong, he has a great laugh with my family, yet says they’re “boring” and finds conversation to be quite uninteresting; “sandra from the shop is going to Salou, she said it’s lovely”.

It doesn’t help that my parents hate my in laws with a passion, as they think they’re snooty, and will always have more money to spend on gifts, meals out.

OP posts:
Broken11Girl · 26/12/2018 05:56

If it had been the other way round and the "posh" side had been mocking him for being "common" then I think there would have been very different views. This.

Silkie2 · 26/12/2018 06:02

The problem is the OPs family who have a big chip on their shoulder that some of their DD's inlaws are wealthier and most likely better educated.
No point berating the son if he getting teased for being posh or using big words.
What could fix it is if DS had the courage to say to OPs family next time they start mickey taking , because he drinks wine or whatever, look DGPs , I love coming to see you, if you don't like things about me I won't come, it's not my fault how I was brought up. The family need a shake up to stop the snide comments which are to cover up their self conscious, in their eyes, failings. He is who he is, and it's sad that they can't be proud of who they are.

Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 06:03

Your son is NOT unreasonable to find your family dull -- Brexit voting people with little in common with his life are never going to be his tribe , from what you say.

However your son is 18 and is old enough to chameleon and codeswitch when with your family, out of love and care.

And please please teach him not to be a nasty little Oxbridge snob (it sounds possible that he's becoming one)

People who are not our tribe may bore us, but if we love them, we treat them with respect and kindness -- always.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 06:04

No idea why all the strike through is there Blush

bengalcat · 26/12/2018 06:11

OP just show him this thread and he’ll soon get things into perspective . Welcome to the world of adults - now deal with it - smile keep calm and carry on .

safetyfreak · 26/12/2018 06:20

People with real class can fit into any situation, without judging those who might be considered to be of a lower social status than themselves."

Omg I love this. So true.

I would be ashamed if my daughter felt that way as an adult.

Sleephead1 · 26/12/2018 06:20

I think I may understand what he means, we are all working class northerners but I can sometimes find it difficult to make conversation with my mil I'm not sure exactly how to explain it but she perhaps has slightly old fashioned ideas she has never worked by choice and doesnt really socialise apart from family visiting she often complains about her life but i think is just set in her ways , but it does mean topics are limited to mostly her family's news and then a few other questions. So we mostly just stick to talking about what going on with x family member ECT. I do agree it's not nice for them to tease your son are they doing it affectionately or actually being mean ?

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2018 06:24

I’m not surprised your ds finds it difficult if your family give him funny looks for using words they haven’t heard, drinking wine or having an opinion.

If your family make fun of him for behaving in a normal to your son way - then he’s going to feel awkward and as if he can’t be himself

With his own father then joining in and making fun is a falsehood on his part

It’s your family that are making your son feel uncomfortable and they are bang out of order by doing so

Your family feel that your son is different so make fun of him

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/12/2018 06:26

They’re your stereotypical northern, ex-miner brexit voter. Even in my view, quite close minded, but still lovely as family.

Nothing like sweeping generalisations are there. Hmm

People with real class can fit into any situation, without judging those who might be considered to be of a lower social status than themselves.

^ This

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2018 06:29

People with real class don’t mock those with intelligent above there own

experti · 26/12/2018 06:36

I do feel for your son.

@ivykaty44 how are people to believe you if you can’t even articulate a sentence correctly?

Lots of posters seem to be picking on the OP’s son. As a matter of fact, I think they’re getting so offended that there are people of different backgrounds to their own working class one, that they are crying snobbery.

Nowhere in the OP was anything directly snobby said imo.

WardrobeInCrisis · 26/12/2018 06:40

I think there's been some excellent advice here amongst everything else!

But I am wondering @arrian why you are going to see both sides of the family? Why not do your own thing actually over Christmas itself. Your DS is not going to see the appeal of coming home in the future to be dragged to see other family members. You might get one more year of it, but he'll be forging his own path and unless you have something happening that doesn't involve him sitting in the back seat of your car and having to adapt and make conversation, you're going to lose him entirely over Christmas.

ChipsAreLife · 26/12/2018 06:40

He may get the snob quality from you based on how you describe your family who of course voted for brexit and like talking about friends and what they're up to ...

That aside. They're taking the piss as they don't get it and it's a way to make him feel a bit crap like they do. He needs to realise that as he will encounter it a lot if he's bright.

Tolerance is very important in my opinion, maybe focus more on what united you than divides you.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2018 06:41

Experti- why would it matter if people disbelieve me?

Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 06:43

Nowhere in the OP was anything directly snobby said imo.

I agree

However .....

For me, there is the potentiality in this situation, for DS to turn into an Oxbridge snob, if his apparent inability to meld with and accept non-tribers , continues

Of course the same can be said of OPs family.

But I'm assuming that the OP isn't responsible for her family's upbringing

FestiveNut · 26/12/2018 06:55

ivykaty44

No one is suggesting the family are in any way classy. Hmm Also, don't confuse education, knowledge and social class with intelligence. Some very intelligent people haven't had the best chances in life and thus not the best education.

Agree with PP, more detail needed. Are they affectionately mocking or being dicks? If the former, tell your son not to take himself so seriously and teach him how to defend himself with humour. If the latter, tell your family to knock it off.

Also, is your son merely being himself, or is he being pretentious and deliberately showing off? There's a difference between drinking wine and holding court on a topic he knows no one there cares about just to prove he has the knowledge to waffle on about it.

Izzy24 · 26/12/2018 07:04

Perhaps the OPs son has felt uncomfortable for a long time about the way his maternal grandparents ‘tease’ him about the way he speaks/behaves because it’s different to the way they are. In some situations that would be seen as bullying p/a behaviour.

He’s tried to discuss it with his mother and has said he doesn’t feel comfortable with adopting his father’s position- not surprising at his age.

Seems pretty mature to me and I feel sorry for him that they do this rather than praise him for his achievements- whatever they may be.

(And whoever mentioned the soaps - I would say Corrie was pretty much loved across all classes until it became so rubbish recently that no-one cba with it any more !)

Catren · 26/12/2018 07:04

I think it's a reasonable thing to talk to his dm about as something he's aware of feeling. My parents are from different social classes and i see more of one side (the more educated side, but that's mainly due to location) and have more interesting (to me) conversations with them. But I've learned to have great conversations with my other side, once I've gotten to know them better. We talk about family, holidays, plans, people. I also find being a good listener helps, not everything has to be earth shatteringly profound, its about spending time together as a family and putting in the effort.

I do think it's rude for the ops parents to mock her ds, and he should call them our on their snobbery! But maybe he should also not expect everyone to have his interests, or consider them superior.

ivykaty44 · 26/12/2018 07:08

Festivenut you missed the point

Mayrhofen · 26/12/2018 07:16

I also think DH tries to fit in with the ILs. I think DS is a snob and embarrassed by his GPs from ooop north.

Sad.

BikeRunSki · 26/12/2018 07:20

People with real class can fit into any situation, without judging those who might be considered to be of a lower social status than themselves

Love this

Surely the OP’s family position is beneficial - he’s in a great position to learn to interact with people across a broad social spectrum. This is a very good skill to have. He’s aware there’s a problem - which shiwa he’s aware how hard this is. Now he just needs to work in this, without alienating his maternal grandparents. It’s but about putting on a false face, it’s about relating to the people yiu are with.

NOTthepinkranger · 26/12/2018 07:23

You and your son sound like arseholes - id be delighted if I was the non posh side of your family who he wants nothing to do with as I imagine the feeling is pretty mutual.

speakout · 26/12/2018 07:27

My OH is very posh- relatives are Dukes and Duchess- went to a well known boarding school. I come from, a rough council estate.

It's a huge source of humour I tease him about choosing me because I am good at very dirty rude sex!

yikesanotherbooboo · 26/12/2018 07:33

I agree that this sounds a bit immature and snobbish. Lots of couples come from wildly different backgrounds , most obviously different countries and cultures. What brings people together is their own shared values and interests. Respect for one's family members should be absolutely expected by your DS and if he is learning otherwise from your DH that is obnoxious.

FestiveNut · 26/12/2018 07:42

@ivykaty44

Terribly sorry, what was your point?