2014 was a bit of a pivotal year in this journey.
I had a truly wonderful psychiatric team who, no matter how much I wanted to end it all were always convinced there would be a medication that would make a difference and they were right, it came in the form of venlafaxine and I can clearly remember the day when my first thought wasn't "how can I end this torment today"
I also underwent a course of cognitive analytical therapy which was transformative, I dealt with my childhood, two abusive marriages and addressed some of the issues we were facing as a couple and family. Our relationship was in tatters because of what had happened to me, pressure for the other parents in our children's lives but we still loved each other very much and dh was always convinced it would all come right in the end.
But it was like living in a pressure cooker and it was inevitable one day it would blow.
I had a close call with an infected gallbladder which was removed as an emergency, another huge clue was missed as I'd had no symptoms at all until I was dangerously ill with a raging infection. I ended up in intensive care with breathing problems.
In the meantime my spinal surgeon though he could do something fairly radical to try and reduce my leg pain, my bilateral sciatica had returned and I was in permanent agony. He wanted to deconstruct part of my lumbar spine, untether the nerves surrounded by disc debris and scar tissue and then put me back together with a nuts, bolts, rods, bone grafts and a bit of cadaver bone for good measure. He thought he could reduce my pain by 20%. I said yes. He had to get permission from the ethics committee to go ahead. I had to wait for nine months post the gallbladder surgery.
In the meantime, we moved back home, the house is fab, all set up for wheelchair use and I have a studio for creative stuff.
DH was promoted at work, long hours, more responsibility and a perfect excuse to not work on us, things at home and family dynamics were often tense, I kept myself to myself, dh was loving when we were alone but head buried when the kids were around, never challenging any disrespectful behaviour because there was always an excuse.
The annual grandchild arrived another dgs, seven in total at this point. My eldest son had split with his dp but she remains a close and important family member.
There was a particular incident that was particularly hurtful which flipped me into a very dark place, I tried to take my life once again and was very nearly successful. It was so serious that my eldest daughter, her dds and dh got on a plane. She thought she was coming to bury me.
I left hospital with youngest dd and her fiancé, they took me to their flat and fed me chicken soup and love, at this point I was resigned to the fact that the best thing for dh and his dcs was for us to split. He didn't disagree but that changed when his dcs made it clear that a split meant from me and all of my family, dgc included, he struggled with that.
I had to go home and it was a complete head fuck when a strange car pulled onto the drive and my daughter and my dgds got out.
That evening I sat outside with my five kids, they all cried and told me they didn't care how broken, miserable or depressed I was, they wanted me alive. It was the moment that a switch flipped and I knew I wanted to live.
My eldest dd took control, she was observant at first, then started challenging both dh and dcs, in the meantime I saw a solicitor and weighed up my options, I wasn't hopeful.
We went for couples therapy, it helped enormously it wasn't a magic wand but it was good.
I had my surgery, it was successful but being back on the spinal ward triggered ptsd from my original operation and I self discharged too soon, but I had no leg pain anymore.
The result of our couples therapy was that my two eldest dsc decided to not come to the house anymore but they are now adults and have their own lives the two youngest remained living with us and we have worked hard to rebuild our relationship. Recently one of the others has been to stay so maybe dh was right and it will come right in the end.
2016 I was so much happier, I'd started to go out, I joined some social and hobby groups, dhs ex joined the same groups, I left.
I was in less pain and taking less pain relief so expected that my sleepiness and respiratory condition would improve, they didn't and I wanted answers.
I got a referral to the sleep latency clinic to investigate the possibility of sleep apnoea. I was finding using volume recruitment was becoming less effective. It's difficult to describe what it was like, I couldn't have posted on here, I would have fallen asleep. I couldn't complete an online food shop, drive for more than a few miles, read a book, watch a whole tv programme. I felt as if I was living in fog.
They did lots of tests, they repeated lots of them but I was keen for them to get on with it because we were flying to NZ after Christmas