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Original poster

Help!!! I've done something truly dreadful!

151 replies

Carousel2 · 20/11/2018 21:09

When DD was born, her grandparents started putting money into her bank account. They have been doing this for the past 5 years and also for our younger DC. I have been using this money towards new shoes when their feet grow and these sorts of expenses that crop up. They put money in four times a year roughly... maybe £50 a time.

MIL was chatting to me today about how she's so glad they've been putting money into the kids bank accounts and that it'll build up into a nice little amount to help towards a house deposit. I genuinely didn't realise the money was for when the kids are older. MIL can be difficult (to put it mildly) and i know if I explain my mistake all hell will break loose.

My only option now is to try to save up to replace the spent money but DH & I don't have much spare each month!

I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from this post. I'm just feeling incredibly guilty about it all.

OP posts:
Flower777 · 21/11/2018 13:01

OP we did something worse. Grandparents gifted my child a couple of thousand pounds and we needed it for essentials and spent it. We haven’t paid it back yet but we will.

DisillusionedEmployee · 21/11/2018 14:06

I'm sorry OP but I would have thought it was obvious!

And for those saying £200 per year won't pay a house deposit are being ridiculous too. I will build up into a nice sum with added interest and will make a welcome start!

OP try your hardest to replace it, you would of had to pay for shoes etc without this money anyway.

tomhazard · 21/11/2018 14:28

Sorry op I wouldn't use money that had been given as a gift to my DC to buy essentials. Those are my expenses not Christmas or birthday gifts.
Im sure it's a genuine error though and you should try to pay it back in small monthly amounts.

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Nothisispatrick · 21/11/2018 14:40

It doesn’t sit right that money being gifted to your children by their grandparents is being used for their basic essentials that parents generally provide. Unless you absolutley have no choice, in which pay it back later when circumstances are better.

The house deposit thing is irrelevant. It could be put towards uni or a first car or travelling on a gap year.

DD has a LISA that grandparents and family pay in to, its not ours, it’s hers. And hopefully she will have enough for a house deposit!

Nothisispatrick · 21/11/2018 14:41
  • in which case
TigerMummy1 · 21/11/2018 15:18

I am bewildered how many people are confused how this happened! Sure, lots of lovely grandparents set up savings accounts, but equally lots of lovely long distance grandparents transfer money for parents to buy the presents and say "look what nice shoes Granny has bought you!" They didn't specify, easy mistake for OP to make and she obviously now feels awful about it and will try to replace it.
And this whole "you can't buy essentials as presents" thing, am I really the only parent having to buy parts of my DDs school uniform for her Christmas present?

Nothisispatrick · 21/11/2018 15:23

I don’t think that many people will be buying a fool uniform for their kids Christmas present, no.

Nothisispatrick · 21/11/2018 15:24

*school

CrookedMe · 21/11/2018 15:39

Not school uniform, but Brownies and Cubs stuff, sure.

fenneltea · 21/11/2018 16:00

As someone who grew up with a single parent on social security I can remember clearly the best birthday gift I had was when my dad took me for a pair of badly needed new shoes.

I was so proud going to school the following day with new shoes that I had chosen myself.

Until you've had to live with the shame of wearing old shoes that hurt because they've started to pinch as a child, birthday toys really aren't all that.

If you aren't struggling financially, then the decent thing is to pay the money back, but if I were a grandparent I'd be pleased that I'd helped to provide for my grandchild if my children were struggling with money.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 22/11/2018 07:14

@TigerMummy1 doesn't seem like it was presented as a gift, though, if the children never said thank you to grandma and nor did she. Seemed like just more money in the pot for kds, which is of course fine if you're struggling to provide essentials but is otherwise definitely not on, when it's been put in the child's named savings account and not cash in a card or given directly to parents

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 22/11/2018 07:20

No one needs know until the children need the money, by which time you'll have been able to replace it. It's a long day off! An understandable mistake, and those who say Birthday money isn't for essentials can't ever have struggled to afford essentials.

AvoidingDM · 22/11/2018 07:41

Op I notice not one person has mentioned your DH in all of this, does he know?
Either way a mistake has been made but hey ho just don't do it again.

I too worry about large sums of money being handed over to 16 yo 'adults'. I know one who blew his savings on gaming. Nothing parents or GPs could do about it.

I fully intend to empty my children bank accounts before they get handed over.

AvoidingDM · 22/11/2018 07:43

I think I'd try to replace the money when you can but that's probably easier said than done if money is tight.

Alfie190 · 22/11/2018 07:57

If she had given you money for children, then i would have assumed it fine to spend on them. But putting it into their bank accounts and it sees pretty obvious that it was intended for them. You need to repay it and stop dipping into theiir savings for day to day expenses that you as a parent should be incurring. There is nothing confusing about this.

Nyon · 22/11/2018 09:08

And there's the crux of this thread: some of us have had to use our kids' money for shoes, and other are really lucky to be able to put in £100 a month and use it to buy a violin.

This. In spades.

EllenCarver · 22/11/2018 09:15

I wouldn’t say anything - just stop taking it.

However I do think it’s a pretty shabby thing to do and pleading ignorance doesn’t really wash.

If the money was going into the dc bank accounts it’s bloody obvious it was for them and not for you to spend on essentials!

BeanBagLady · 22/11/2018 09:16

If you needed the money for the kids, you needed the money.

Just be honest with yourself about it: if it was Christmas and Birthdays and put directly into the children’s account it was obviously not intended as a help with the housekeeping.

My grandparents used to give my Mum money to buy us premium bonds, all through my childhood. When I grew up I asked where all my Premium bonds were. My Mum looked blank for a moment, then realised and immediately said “I used to spend it, it was the only cash I had in my purse”. I know this was true, and don’t resent it for a minute.

doleritedinosaur · 22/11/2018 09:32

OP ignore those ones jumping down your throat & baffled by birthday money used for shoes.

They have no idea about the breadline at all.

If you can just try & put it back when they’re older do but don’t stress about it. Your kids would rather shoes now

WellThisIsShit · 22/11/2018 09:57

What’s done is done. Pay in £5 per month now and gradually it will build back up again.

I had to empty by sons savings account thanks to universal credit loveliness. It felt awful. A real low point. I hope I can start paying in again at some point. But right then it was more important that my son had a roof over his head and didn’t enter the terrifying world of homelessness, rather than future help with uni costs etc. It felt like stealing though Sad

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/11/2018 10:09

Honestly don't worry about it OP. You weren't squandering it on tat or buying stuff for you. You simply misinterpreted what the money was intended for, no biggie and certainly not dreadful.

I would set up a little account for saving towards kids essentials so you have a buffer and don't need to dip into the kid's accounts. Once you can, repay the kids accounts too.

fussychica · 22/11/2018 10:16

I would only have spent it on presents rather than essentials but if you really couldnt afford the essentials then I can see its tempting.

I would try and put the money back over time then no one will ever know and you will have no need to feel guilty.

AliceRR · 22/11/2018 10:19

Sorry if this is harsh but I think if your in laws intended this money for the children when they are older then it’s wrong of you to have spent it as you see fit

I think you need to work out how much (I’m sure you can get this info from the bank) and replace it. It wasn’t your money to spend.

AliceRR · 22/11/2018 10:21

Whilst you say it was spent on the children, it sounds like you’ve just spent it as if it’s part of your money.

If you were intended that you should have asked the in laws what it was for and if they mind.

I think if it was for you to spend (and they must have an idea of your financial situation) then they’d have just given the money to you rather than put it in the kids’ account

alreadyinchristmasmood · 22/11/2018 10:27

Oh come on, people. She spent the money for her kids, it's not like she bought stuff for her.

Still, OP, you need to look at your budget

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