What’s your worst household mishap? Can you beat mine?

[Nitpickpicnic]

Oh Lord, give me your best ‘if you can’t laugh, you’d cry’ clumsiness stories.

I just plonked myself down on my new sofa, with my iPad and a glass of red wine in hand. Well-deserved 15 minute reward ‘me’ time during a very busy day.

iPad looked like it was slipping so I overcompensated with the other hand to steady it. The hand with the wine. Wine has tipped onto: the sofa, the carpet, me, the side table (with open bills on it), dripped onto the iPad and over the edge of it, down into the heating duct. It was probably only a small half full glass, and I swear not one drop has avoided causing problems. I don’t even have time to properly swab everything and spray the (various) fabrics.

Is this The Universe underlining to me that I should not drink wine, or can you reassure me it’s common to be this clumsy? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Loving made a huge lasagne to feed 6.
As I got it out of the ovnr my tea towel I was using slipped and I burned my hand...

Not thinking I threw the dish up in the air, whereupon lasagne and dish flew through the air, hitting the newly decorated walls, dripping down the back of the radiator and covering my dh and kids all sitting nicely round the kitchen table.
I was not popular!!!! (they were ok though)

Well, thread purpose achieved. I now feel far more coordinated and lucky than I did when I posted!

For sheer disgustingness, the stoma bag/whippet story takes the (just invented) prize. But I do have a soft spot for all the red wine (& Ribena) tales!

Clean up update. iPad is miraculously still operational. Sofa is still drying, no way to know yet if the wine or fabric cleaning solution will win. Wine down the heating duct is proving the most worrying. There’s bits I can’t reach. My whole house is going to reek of ‘old pub’ next time I turn it on, and forever more, won’t it?

Just remembered that about 8 or 9 years ago IL's had just had lovely new carpet fitted in their lounge. Me and DH were round there for some occasion or other. I managed to spill an entire glass of red wine all over the brand new carpet. Thankfully MIL had some amazing stain remover and there was no trace left by the time I'd spent a good half hour mopping, spraying, blotting, etc.

When my eldest had mastered walking steadily (around 12 months), she picked up a bottle of red wine off the floor level wine rack (), raised it and then smashed the bottom off. It went all over the cream carpet... I then tried white wine on it, then salt, then water and finally some 1001. Which worked!

My mum once pinned herself on the floor under a mattress when 'turning' the mattress in my bothers room. She was stuck under there for an hour!

I have too many to write down but this one is probably my worst.

First house, it had wooden framed windows that were painted a vile brown - so I decided to paint them a nice cream colour. Decided to start at the back, outside. I spent an age meticulously putting up masking tape, I got all of my equipment together and started painting.
Boy it was a hot day!

Too hot to stand and paint. So I decided to sit and paint. I get a bench from the kitchen and because it was a new bench I put a towel underneath the tin of paint. I’m sooooo impressed with myself. So, painting merrily away, music playing out of window (it was the 80s) and i didn’t notice my dog start to play with the towel which was dangling.
My dog decided that this towel was fun so gave it a nice big tug..............and the paint went everywhere. ( to this day I don’t know how it got where it did , but it did. )
It went all over my new bench. It went all over the grass. It splashed up the side of the house and all over the window. It went all over the right hand side of me. And naturally it went on the dog.
Dog starts panicking - probably at my shriek rather than this fun paint her can play with - and starts running round the garden , paint flying off him. I get up and run after said dog to catch him before he can run 8n the house. I suddenly realise that I have stood in some thing which feels .....bad. Oh, and because it was such a hot day I had taken ,y flip flops off.
I look down in horror at my foot which is now smothered in beautiful, fresh dog shit.
Now, I’m not good with dog shit and so I instantly start vomiting.

So I’m now hopping, driving with paint, and vomiting and feeling desperate to get this dog shit off my foot. ( why didn’t I use the outside tap, why why??) So naturally I hop in the back door to get to the kitchen sink. Dog decided he wants to come in too now as it’s not fun anymore and he runs in to hallway, shakes furiously and decides he needs a lie down after all this fun.
I’m by now vomiting on the kitchen floor. I can’t vomit in the sink as that would mean putting my nose and mouth near my shitty shitty foot which I have somehow forced under the tap at the kitchen sink.
I was SO pleased to discover that boyfriend hadn’t bothered to wash up that morning as I saw the lumps of shit dissolving in the fierce torrent of water which is running into my fave mug.

So, to summarise. My new bench ( with Laura Ashley material on the cushioned top) was covered in paint. As was my wall and sitting room window, the garden was smothered in paint and a cacophony of human and doggy feet marks in paint on the new path and stepping stones ( like I said, it was the 80s)
The kitchen floor ( new Lino thank god!) was spattered with paint, dog crap and vomit. The sink was filled with pots which were floating in a foul smelling dog turd soup.
The hall had a Damien Hurst ‘ spray ‘ effect with paint all over my NEW Laura Ashley Toile wallpaper ( still makes me well up).
Oh and the dog had gone for a lay down on my bed. On my new duvet cover.
Boyfriend came home to find me crying into my third or fourth glass of Mateus rose ( yes, yes, I know. But it WAS the 80s) with the detritus of my painting tradgedy untouched as I was too ( 😵 drunk actually) upset to even contemplate the clean up job.

Oh, how we laughed! ( well, it took me about 10 years to stop heaving every time I thought of it and maybe 15 years to actually laugh about it.

But that is, without doubt, my worst household mishap. 🐶

DD was a week old and DH and I were seriously sleep deprived. He put a pizza in the oven for lunch and we sat in the garden rocking the pram for 20 mins before we realised black smoke was pouring out the back door.

DH had put the pizza, still packaged in the box, still sitting on top of a plastic chopping board, in the oven! He just picked up the chopping board and put it all in without thinking!

Mum and dad came round and took over that afternoon 😂

@Dontgiveamonkeys1350 I did the exact same thing.

Went to work and Dog knocked the electric hob on. Came home to my entire house and everything I owned destroyed.

People do not ever leave anything on top of your hob!!!

I was home alone when I was living with my parents in my early 20s. It was a cold evening so I decided to put the gas fire on for a bit.

Once the room was nice and toasty I turned it off and put the bit that covered the controls back on. In doing that I dislodged one of the imitation coals, which rolled off and started to burn a hole in the carpet. I scooped it up in a box lid that happened to be to hand, put it back down and surveyed the damage. Of course then when I picked the (cardboard!) box lid up again, the coal had burnt through that too and made a second hole in the carpet.

And then I turned round to pick my bowl of pasta back up (which I’d put on the floor while I turned off the fire) and the cat was eating it.

I love this thread

I have loads. One where ds, aged about 3, had a small plastic ghost from somewhere or other that he carted around with him. He inexplicably decided to toast it one morning while I was in another room.

What happens when you toast a ghost is it dissolves into about a billion tiny molten plastic molecules which flew absolutely bloody everywhere and set fast wherever they landed. It was carnage.

Literally crying at some of these, hilarious!

We had emptied our living room of furniture, including heavy sideboard full of wired-in hi-fi, masses of books, 3-piece suite, the lot, for new carpet.
Carpet was fitted and all the furniture moved back, shelves filled etc
My husband tripped and threw a tray with a full cafetiere of hot coffee and a jug of milk onto the lovely new floor.
We had just shared a bottle of wine, so weren't thinking straight and our mopping up massaged the coffee grounds and milk into the carpet.
The stain was horrible and not in a position we could cover with a rug.
We re-ordered the same carpet and went through emptying the room again. And returning everything to the room again.
The flooring company was a bit....baffled. We were to embarrassed to explain, they were too professional to ask.

@yorkshireyummymummy the way that story is written is absolutely hilarious.

DH makes our Christmas cake and one year, when I was pregnant, decided to make the marzipan too. Using the procedure that includes cooking the eggs. I don't know the process, I was in the living room ignoring it all. I'm using more technical language than he used btw.

Until I heard an explosion.

His first attempt at the marzipan had gone badly, so he dumped it and I think washed the glass bowl in freezing cold water but hadn't turned the pan with boiling water he had been using for a bain marie off the hob. Then started making it all over again, which ended up causing the bowl to shatter once it was introduced to the hot water pan.

It exploded. Spreading the eggs, sugar and ground almonds over every inch of hob, work top, wall and cupboard door in the kitchen. And some on the floor too. It set almost immediately.

I laughed a lot. Until I had to help clean up and cursed him even more.

That was 8 years ago. I was still finding bits of glass stuck to the underside of a cupboard a couple of years ago.

When I was a child I was cutting a large piece of card on my bedroom floor. I was aware that it had become difficult to cut but carried on anyway.
Once I’d finished, I soon discovered that I’d also been cutting my favourite rug along with the card.

Nutella + Two year old + New, white sofa..

@DurhamDurham I know that must have been awful but your story has made me laugh all day! Sofry! I can only imagine your face when you realised what you had thrown

In the days when chocolate fountains were all the rage some idiot bought me one (I can't be arsed with that kind of stuff).

I thought I should probably use it once out of courtesy and went to set it up for a small get-together.

Just as the chocolate got flowing properly the tower detached from the base and started spinning madly, splattering the room in melted chocolate. To add to the misery the wall switch was behind it so I got a face-full as I blindly and frantically tried to switch it off.

I know, we’re all in it together. Sharing the absolute worst of the worst memories (usually our own fault ones).

But there’s been enough action on this thread for me to completely erase any wine-related mishap worries from my day. The poo-related ones have me in tears. Anything with poo and vomit just brings me to my knees. I should be quietly, reverently sympathetic, I s’pose, but I’m actually peeing myself in laughter and relief that it’s not me.

Bravo for sharing, and bloody just living through this shite and continuing with normal life. Heros, the lot of you. Keep em coming!

Not at home but at work.

End of shift in the kitchen clean down.
I finished cleaning the last microwave on the end gantry (the gantry was old and wobbly),shut the door of the mike more firmly than normal. The gantry wobbled,I went to grab it,but as there were piles of plates on it as well as three mikes,it wobbled a LOT,causing£400 worth of plates to fall and smash. The mikes only had a small dent in each and amazingly still worked! My manager and a workmate came running into the kitchen asking ''are you ok Grumpy?'' Stopped.Look of horror. For about 30seconds none of us could move or speak. Then came the howls of laughter and an hour of clearing up.

Yes I kept my job afterwards!

@Nonomore2 I'm pleased it's given you a laugh and some good has come out of it
It did seem to happen in slow motion and I had time to think 'oh my god what have I done!' before it even hit the bed

Got home from holiday at stupid o clock in the morning. Woke the next morning knackered but gagging for coffee so got up to get one. This is usually dps job but I was feeling generous and didn't want to wake him. Took a mug with last night's dregs in down with me and somehow slipped on the stairs, lobbed the mug in the air and landed with a crash, bruising everywhere and breaking my toe.

Staggered to my feet, got into the kitchen, switched the coffee machine on then caught a glimpse of my poor wonky toe and came over all dizzy and decided I needed to lie down on the sofa. Got as far as the hall before pitching backwards and fainting, cracking my head open on the wood floor as I landed.

Dp heard the crash and stumbled down himself to find me lying on the hall floor in my nightie, head pouring with blood, coffee all up the wall and a wonky toe.

I don't make coffee any more.

Making something in the blender, all the stuff had worked up the sides so I took a wooden spoon and put it down the chimney thing on top of the lid.

The blade immediately gripped the spoon in a death hold, split it into pieces and the pieces sort of exploded the bowl into shards of plastic. How I didn't lose an eye is a miracle.

Then there was the time I left a plastic chopping board on the job over a lit gas ring.

And the time a jar of marmite fell from the larder about a metre up.

There are many more. I'm no domestic goddess.

@Zorgothslugofdoom get a pair of locking pliers aka mole grips, clamp them on the end of the drill bit and wind it anti clockwise. Should do the trick video here on how they work www.ronhazelton.com/tips/use_locking_pliers_to_grip_rounded_nuts_and_bolt_heads

This is about 35 years ago. My Mum had a pressure cooker and was cooking mince for a pie later. She'd just done my brother and I beans on toast for lunch. Suddenly we heard a big explosion. She'd taken the pressure value off the top and the contents spat out at high pressure all over the ceiling. My brother and I ran in the kitchen with our plates and just stared, our beans on toast spilling onto the floor. Then we were showered with the contents of the pressure cooker dripping off the ceiling. There was a deathly silence. We made ourselves scarce. She laughs about it now but it took a long time, lol.