Would you have children if you were me?

[Kyratzis]

I know this isn't a question anyone else can answer for me, and there are lots of similar threads on here (I've read them all!) So I don't know how helpful starting another one will be, but here goes.

I'm in my late 30s, so it's decision time. I'm married, we've been together ages and are happy just the two of us. Both totally ambivalent about whether we want children or not. I've never been someone who wants or is interested in children, but nor am I someone who really strongly doesn't want them. Most of our friends have kids and we enjoy spending time with them, but not so much that it makes us want them too.

I have a lot of interests and am always very busy, and I'm a writer at the very beginning of my career (first book came out this year). I know that if I don't have children, I'll be very happy just carrying on as I am, and will obviously have a lot more time to write, which is my total passion, though not my day job. I know loads of people combine creative work with children, but I have a feeling that it would fall by the wayside given that I probably can't make a living doing it (I'm a poet, so not going to be rocketing up the bestseller lists any time soon).

When I put it down in writing like this, I can't see why I WOULD have children, but there is still something in the back of my mind that can't commit and say, nope, definitely not doing it. I think it's because I'm really close to my family so don't understand why I don't want to, and also I think, deep down, that there's a voice inside me telling me that I'm a bad person for not wanting them. I don't agree with that voice, but it's there nonetheless!

@NinjaGoSaysNo - there’s so much pressure/expectation to have no2 once you’ve had 1 though! Trying hard to stay strong and listen to my gut. I think there’s lots of pros to 2 too though so hopefully your balance will come down the line (a lot of people have told me they find 2 easier in the long run!)

Maybe for now you don't have plans. Soon you will realize that having a baby is the best gift you've ever wanted.

How you feel about your own children cannot be compared to how you feel about other people's, however they do take over life as you know it so the hobby aspect is really important to consider.

For me my family has always been really important so I couldn't imagine growing old and not being surrounded by the next generation. I know reality might not pan out like that but even them living abroad isn't the barrier it used to be. My young adults now love being part of our extended family and are very family orientated themselves. I can't imagine what life would be like without them although I'd have more money

There is no right or wrong answer.

I think you might benefit from looking into yourself, your personality and how you generally respond to change.

I was ambivalent too, however I am a real sit on the fence type about any major changes so this was no different. I often require a push and then afterwards I'm happy I did that thing and wonder why I didn't do it ages ago.

Also look at how your family organises itself - is it quite sexist, with the women doing all the mental load and organising?

If so, and you have a boy, think hard about the reality of what the dynamics might be when he’s grown.

I mean, of course, you’re a modern woman / modern husband you will buck that trend etc etc but also...it’s very easy to fall into the trap of doing things the way all your family do things. Then your boy doesn’t bother to contact you, marries a woman who refuses to do his ‘wifework’ and you end up the excluded MIL.

I know it’s an old cliche and I’m not saying it will happen I’m just saying - look about you, take the blinkers off, maybe ask family friends who see your parents as people (rather than parents) what their view is on the dynamic.

Having children is no guarantee at all you will have family around you in your retirement. That takes a lot of hard graft to ensure.

Fivefootoffun My friends who stopped at one said the pressure eased off a bit once the eldest got to 4 or so, I think it's when the eldest is around 2 that the pressure to have a second gets bad if it wasn't already!

And thanks 🙂. When they get on it's lovely, and they say they're best friends 🙂. Though they also fight daily... 🤷‍♀️

Maybe for now you don't have plans. Soon you will realize that having a baby is the best gift you've ever wanted.

How fucking patronising.

Seren I thought maybe it was a joke, due to the wink face. If not, it's a bit creepy because it kind of sounds like someone's going to leave a baby on my doorstep in the near future.

Mine are 9 and 6...I really miss my old life and I miss me and my husband and how we used to be when we filled each other's worlds.

We have absolutely no family support at all (they live on another continent and don't really care about visiting) and financially it has been very difficult in terms of childcare. I think people who have family help are so incredibly lucky.

Having said all of that...we are slowly finding ourselves again and i wouldn't change anything about having them (other than our financial situation which has had a horrible impact). I am now back at work full time after 6 years only very part time.

I never had a burning urge or desire to have children, more of an underlying feeling that it was something I would do at some point. I don't especially get on with other people's children but I think mine are ace and we have some truly excellent times together. I love them more than I ever imagined was possible.

So, I don't think that you have to desperately want them. Having said that, I was exceptionally lucky and got pregnant straight away with both of mine (late 30s). Maybe if I hadn't I would have experienced more of a definite pull to have them.

I do think it’s a different ballgame if you have good backup. The times I’ve been crying on the phone to my mum (who is too elderly and a long way away) as I’ve had to take yet another child related sick day, let alone the chance of getting out for a night or away for a weekend without the children.

I don't see why you would have kids unless you really wanted them?

It just seems a bit selfish. I was positive that I wanted all of mine. And I love them more than anything. Don't all kids deserve to be truly wanted by their parents? Not just a "meh we thought we might as well because our friends did" ?

It's not like there aren't enough people in the world is it?

Oh I'm so very tired, my mental health is shot, the house is a tip, all of my clothes are ratty and ill fitting, I'm so poor and I haven't spoken to my husband in at least a couple of weeks as we've just been passing ships for childcare. I adore my children but no one could have prepared me for this seemingly relentless drudgery of snot and homework. You sound really content and happy, I definitely wouldn't change that on a 'just in case I regret it down the line' basis. Maybe you could look at fostering or adoption in the future if you get to a point where you do really crave family life?

@Fivefootoffun @NinjaGoSaysNo reading your conversation with a lot of interest. Struggling with whether to have a second. I've found it very difficult so far and not sure I'd have DC again given the choice but the guilt of not giving him a sibling is strong. Plus I weirdly think it might be easier the next time...it won't, will it?

watchingthetelly it's easier in as much as you know what you're doing, but your whole world turns upside down once again. Navigating that whilst keeping things as steady and happy as possible for your eldest is bloody hard. They love each other but there's no doubt I'm more a referee than anything else right now. Having two has been infinitely harder than I ever expected. Sticking to one definitely has perks for everyone, don't underestimate that!

My 2 have a 4 year gap and they scrap near constantly - my dh also had nothing in the tank the second time around and I didn’t expect that

I really, really love Mumsnet for the honesty. I think it should be forced reading for anyone before they have kids! Thanks Getoff and immummy. Think I need to do a separate post and not hijack this thread.

I never wanted kids, until my niece was born! It took the best part of a year and lots of tests to get pregnant. I turned out I had a whole load of fibroids and PCOS. Never did I expect to have trouble. I was 38.5 yrs when my DD was born, I miscarried 2 yrs later. So all in all, I wish I hadn't waited that long and I feel I was very lucky to have a child.

@watching telly - I think I’ve read every single other ‘second child indecision’ on this forum and probably the internet in general so yes, please start another that I can obsessively pore over!! Such a hard decision eh..

I never wanted kids, until my niece was born!

I've had the opposite - when children were just theoretical I thought that maybe one day I might want them, maybe.

The more I spend time with my friends' real life children the more I am sure that I don't want to sign up for that life. They're nice to visit but I don't want them in my house all the time.

Watchingthetelly it's really just a whole step up once there's 2. I enjoyed the baby stage more because I was more confident (and pregnancy and labour were easier for me too, I'm lucky in that mine were both straightforward both times though) and not worrying over every little thing. But there was an exponential laundry increase, and my sleep depended on not just one child sleeping, but two! I didn't really ask for or need much help other than from my DH the first time, second time I called in a lot of favours (my MIL was great and stayed a few days every month!).

I feel very contradictory about it - I wanted two, love having two (especially when they play nicely together or chat or cuddle) but I don't enjoy day to day parenting as much when I'm dealing with them both as I do when I have 1:1 time with one (or as much as I did when I only had 1 tbh, though I always planned to have a second). Time alone with a child feels special, time with both of them is an almost continual stress of anticipating and balancing two sets of needs, and trying to head off any fights.

I was the opposite. Always wanted kids. DS1 was a shock. The lack of spontaneity. The loss of mental space. Etc. But we adjusted. Went back to work. Spent a lot of money on childcare and bumbled or way through. At 18 months it got better and has improved since then. He’s a lovely boy and shares our hobbies. We travel, watch sport etc together. Had no 2 because we really wanted it. Stressful pregnancy, he was born so premature that he spent two months in intensive care. I am also not a fan of the dull newborn phase but I knew second time around that it passes fairly quickly.
But we are more experienced parents. And we are fortunate that we earn enough so we can outsource some things. I work part time and always leave half a day when DS2 is in childcare for my sanity to catch up with a book or just myself. DS1 is now independent and good company. They adore each other and watching their relationship has been a privilege. Our lives are different but in a good way. The two things that helped: having financial security and a DH who was 110% onboard and has never been anything other than an equal parent and has made a number of career sacrifices for family life. We are a much better couple than we were before kids although with many more grey hairs and considerably less physically fit. But both of us really really wanted kids and we like spending time with them- we don’t holiday without them, we don’t mind not going out in the evenings to accommodate bedtime etc- we know that as with ds1 we will get our life back and we are happy to wait. Neither of us have any resentment about having kids but I know amongst our friends that there are many (especially women) who feel a real resentment about how their life turned out.

Please don't do it. There is nothing in your posts that tells me you should have children and a lot that says you shouldn't. Having children is really bloody hard. I've had moments of regret and I was always completely sure I wanted it. If I'd been ambivalent in the first place, I think the many difficult moments so far would have been unbearable.

If people around you are having children and spending time with them doesn't make you want to have children, I think that's a sign. People always say that you can still love your own children even if you're not a fan of children in general. But if you see how your friends' lives have changed and don't feel any desire to have that for yourself, you really shouldn't do it.

Children are non-refundable! It's not just about not getting your body back (although that's true). You don't get your old life back.

Loving all the honesty on this thread. Still reading but anyone who wants to feel free to hijack and turn it into a one Vs two thread. The Nos so far outnumber the yeses, and even the maybes, so I think I have my answer, though obviously I won't be making a big life decision entirely based on an anonymous forum. But all the pointers as to what to consider have been really useful and eye opening.

DH is adamant he'd only want one if we had any, but he is not close to his family. I'm super close to my brother and although I also think one is great, I'd probably feel a pang about not trying to give them a sibling relationship. Though I hated my brother for his first 14 years