Would you have children if you were me?

[Kyratzis]

I know this isn't a question anyone else can answer for me, and there are lots of similar threads on here (I've read them all!) So I don't know how helpful starting another one will be, but here goes.

I'm in my late 30s, so it's decision time. I'm married, we've been together ages and are happy just the two of us. Both totally ambivalent about whether we want children or not. I've never been someone who wants or is interested in children, but nor am I someone who really strongly doesn't want them. Most of our friends have kids and we enjoy spending time with them, but not so much that it makes us want them too.

I have a lot of interests and am always very busy, and I'm a writer at the very beginning of my career (first book came out this year). I know that if I don't have children, I'll be very happy just carrying on as I am, and will obviously have a lot more time to write, which is my total passion, though not my day job. I know loads of people combine creative work with children, but I have a feeling that it would fall by the wayside given that I probably can't make a living doing it (I'm a poet, so not going to be rocketing up the bestseller lists any time soon).

When I put it down in writing like this, I can't see why I WOULD have children, but there is still something in the back of my mind that can't commit and say, nope, definitely not doing it. I think it's because I'm really close to my family so don't understand why I don't want to, and also I think, deep down, that there's a voice inside me telling me that I'm a bad person for not wanting them. I don't agree with that voice, but it's there nonetheless!

You are very similar to me except I haven’t published my poetry (congrats on your first book!) and I am more set against having kids. It’s other people - my DMIL, my colleagues etc - who make me feel bad that I don’t want kids and I ‘should’ want them.

I love my in-laws but I feel like I’m letting them down, but at the end of the day I’d be the one with the DC. My husband was more on the fence but I think after seeing our friends have babies he has seen how much of a strain it can be on a relationship. DH is also an artist and spends hours after the day job working on his portfolio, i like to write poems or do sewing/crafts and all that would have to change. Like you I want nature to take the decision from me, if I knew I couldn’t get pregnant then I would stop feeling like not wanting kids makes me a bad person because I couldn’t have them anyway. We have other reasons - Crohn’s on DH’s side, IBS and mental illness on mine - but the biggest one is that we don’t want to give up life as it is. I know it may not be a very helpful response, but I wanted you to know you’re not alone.

Helmlover

Please don’t be scaremongered by certain posters on here that you should only have kids because you simply might regret it if you don’t- this is not a valid reason to have kids! The amount of posts I have seen on mumsnet by women who regret choosing to have kids far outweigh the ones who decided not to

THIS ^ x 1000

Those encouraging a woman who has stated very clearly that she is ambivalent about having kids are v irresponsible

In an oversubscribed, utterly crazy world that is getting crazier by the day, unless you have a strong biological urge to procreate, don't.

Coping with possible (but unlikely) regrets about not having children only impacts you. The impact of regretting HAVING children reaches far and wide and is far more damaging.

Like you, OP, I have a wonderful life and have been ambivalent about having children. I have decided not to. My happiness is too precious to risk ruining it all for something I didn't even know that I wanted.

Majoras no that is really helpful, thank you - I do feel quite alone in some ways now all my friends have children - still see them loads but it's different. It's good to hear from another childless poet

Surely it's better to risk regretting not having children than to risk regretting having them? I never understand why ppl say 'just do it anyway'; it seems too big of a decision to take that attitude on but that's just my opinion.

I wouldn't.

Surely it's better to risk regretting not having children than to risk regretting having them That's what I've always felt, goingonabearhunt. I'd worry far more about the effect of that regret on a child because I think they'd definitely sense it.

Don't know if it helps but here's how it's been for me.
I always felt like I "should" have children because that's just what you do when you settle down. But I wasn't so sure in how I felt about it.
I wasn't ruling it out but I wasn't actively planning or wanting a baby. We got pregnant by accident whilst planning our wedding which we subsequently put on hold as I didn't want to be pregnant or have a teeny baby on my wedding day.
I struggled at the beginning as it was a huge change and I don't think I was really prepared for it and looking back I think I might have had some mild PND. The first year felt really long probably due to the lack of sleep but all of a sudden DS turned 1 and I was wondering why I didn't do this sooner. It's been exhausting and at times tests my patience and takes me to the brink but watching DS grow up and develop and get his little character and to get to have little chats with him has been the most wonderful thing.
We will soon be celebrating the 1st birthday of our 2nd DC and would not change a thing.

Those encouraging a woman who has stated very clearly that she is ambivalent about having kids are v irresponsible. I definitely expected some encouragement towards having them when I came on here Mushrooms - in fact I expected a lot more than I've had given that it's a parenting site. It's been really informative because the posts in which people have said 'I wouldn't if I were you' have resonated with me far more than those saying 'I was in your shoes and went for it and it's wonderful'. It tells me in which direction I'm leaning.

Those encouraging a woman who has stated very clearly that she is ambivalent about having kids are v irresponsible

Some people aren't very good at understanding that not everyone is like them. So they say "I had kids and loved it, if you have them you will love it".

Others are more responsibly saying "this is what happened to me, it might happen to you, but it might not".

Personally I think unless you both really actively want a child you shouldn't go through with it. It's hard, tough, working, caring, the guilt. You have to really want a child otherwise you could resent what you have given up.

Blimey. Don’t. Imagine being in the depths of awfulness - whether standard sleep deprivation or something truly awful like a horrendous birth injury - and thinking fuck, I’m not sure I ever really wanted a child

Think hard about the physical impact on you too. My first pregnancy was horrendous. Birth was fine. But I was still so shocked at the huge undertaking, I’d always just blithely assumed it’s natural, it’s fine...HA!

Plus it’s so so hard to get back to a body you are happy with and if you get any of the permanent changes you may always feel a bit of a stranger to yourself. Women find their feet grow and never shrink back....the changes to hair turn out permanent...they never quite manage to get on top of the abdo separation and always have a saggy tummy. Then there’s the serious stuff, I know a woman who is now doubly incontinent through childbirth (one and probably only child), the NHS is doing a lot for her but coughing and sneezing is looking dangerous for the next few years at least.

Wow. Batteries, you make good points

I’m feeling a bit raw as you can probably tell, I had a physio appointment yesterday where she looked at my abdo separation and it’s below two centimetres, whoop! So I can now do a full range of exercises if I want to. Also we discussed that I hardly ever wet myself nowadays, and only have the occasional didn’t make it to the toilet in time incident.

I was elated leaving and then totally crashed and burned when I realised I’m celebrating my body being a shit version of what it used to be. A less shit version, sure. But still damaged. I probably won’t be eligible for much more physio. It’s just so...depressing. I can’t quite word how shit it feels, sometimes, knowing I might wet myself. It’s so humiliating.

Sorry I know it’s not a birth injury thread

I think in your position I would not have children. I was desperate to have them and now they are 5 and 3 life is starting to get easier. But we've had years of having no money, putting career ambitions on hold, feeling guilty about work and home life not getting enough time, having no free time. Now I am starting to have some time to myself but there is a always a little niggle that I should be spending that time with them.

I am glad I had children but it has been very hard on my sense of self.

women in their 40s least likely group to exercise - i would lay money on that being because most of them have too many things on their plate. I've a few things that will never be the same post DC, my career for one, and going to the gym is a faint dream.

Of course you'll get 00s of people telling you can do gym/creative writing/have a great career/insert priority of choice post DC and of course you can - it is more effort though, and you have to prioritize a lot more, some things have to give (and not just our under carriages).

Really hard to say

I know people who were ambivalent and then having had children are besotted and so glad they did, no question

But hard to know for you, which I realise isn’t much help

I want to say go for it because you value your own family but again couldn’t be sure it would be right for you

I really admire women who know their own minds and decide not to have children, to own that decision and live the life you want to without pressure or judgement.

I was ambivalent and went ahead and had one anyway, all turned out great and I love parenthood but as PP have stated I would never encourage someone to do the same incase it didn't work out.

To be on the fence is sometimes really jard and you can drive yourself mad with it, I know I did. I think even when you make a decision there will still be a feeling of what if either way.

*hard

I wouldn't. You already have a great life that you enjoy.

Having kids is hard, really hard. Case in point, I'm so tired right now that I can't write anything more insightful or articulate. Don't do it.

My head is full, that's what I find hardest about having kids. Dd1 wasn't too bad but 2 of them has made my brain start dripping out of my ear.

Luckily my head was pretty empty pré dc. If I had lots of hobbies, esp creative ones requiring head space I think I would be quite sad by now.

DD2 is 3yo and it is getting better. There is light at the end of the tunnel

I can't advise you either way really.

I've always wanted DC, and fortunately have 2, 17 months apart (now primary age). I love them completely, but fuck me it's hard work sometimes. My life is totally different, we have involved the DC in our hobbies from a young age, but it's never been the same. I feel like I've been unable to give anything my full concentration for 9 years .

Interestingly (for me anyway) work has been pretty stressful for the last couple of years (family small business) but it's the DC that offer a very welcome distraction from that. And when MIL was seriously ill one Christmas, we pulled together for the DC. We slapped a smile on it for them in away I know neither of us could have in other circumstances.

Obviously that's not a great advert for having DC, just my observation of an unexpected benefit for us .

Hi Kyratzis.

I think there are pros and cons of both life choices. I now have one dd, don’t regret her in the slightest, but don’t half miss my old life - we’ve no family around so I really miss the lack of freedom, just being able to pop out in the evenings (husband works away a lot). But if I had my tune again - would 100% have her again. She really has enriched our lives.

Would I have another? I’m not so sure. I think it might tip me over the edge.

There seems to be quite a few people on this particular thread here that have stopped at one and i do wonder if it’s a good compromise of sorts.

Best wishes in coming to the right decision for you and your family.

Thanks fivefoot. Everyone on this thread has been so nice! Was definitely expecting a few "no you shouldn't have children because you sound like a selfish arse". Sorry to everyone who I haven't had time to reply to.

Suppose you went for it and you had twins? I've just been reading a thread on here where the twin mums are talking about it

Fivefootoffun
I think stopping at one is as much of a compromise as you can get, really. I definitely think having two has pushed me beyond my limits (though I love them both and always wanted more than one, I'd feel incomplete with an only child I think but life would be much easier/more "balanced" I think).