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Original poster

Would you have children if you were me?

149 replies

Kyratzis · 13/11/2018 15:45

I know this isn't a question anyone else can answer for me, and there are lots of similar threads on here (I've read them all!) So I don't know how helpful starting another one will be, but here goes.

I'm in my late 30s, so it's decision time. I'm married, we've been together ages and are happy just the two of us. Both totally ambivalent about whether we want children or not. I've never been someone who wants or is interested in children, but nor am I someone who really strongly doesn't want them. Most of our friends have kids and we enjoy spending time with them, but not so much that it makes us want them too.

I have a lot of interests and am always very busy, and I'm a writer at the very beginning of my career (first book came out this year). I know that if I don't have children, I'll be very happy just carrying on as I am, and will obviously have a lot more time to write, which is my total passion, though not my day job. I know loads of people combine creative work with children, but I have a feeling that it would fall by the wayside given that I probably can't make a living doing it (I'm a poet, so not going to be rocketing up the bestseller lists any time soon).

When I put it down in writing like this, I can't see why I WOULD have children, but there is still something in the back of my mind that can't commit and say, nope, definitely not doing it. I think it's because I'm really close to my family so don't understand why I don't want to, and also I think, deep down, that there's a voice inside me telling me that I'm a bad person for not wanting them. I don't agree with that voice, but it's there nonetheless!

OP posts:
ElectricMonkey · 13/11/2018 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 13/11/2018 20:23

I think having a child would be a massive risk. You know how your life works now, and it would probably carry on along similar lines if you decided against having a child, so it is to some extent a known quantity.

If you do have a child there is no way of knowing how you would take to parenthood, what the personality of the child would be, how it would impact your life, etc. That said, I chose to take that risk, and I bloody love being a Mum, and still manage to work, and do my hobby. DS has added so much to my life. It was hard work for the first few years, but it gets so much easier as they grow up. I suspect whichever option you choose will work out fine, its just a question of what you want most.

namechange00 · 13/11/2018 21:17

My DH was 34 when DD was born and he's really struggled to adjust after all those years without a child doing what he wants when he wants etc! I on the other hand am a lot younger then him.... but I would never have a child at his age... I'm shattered now in mid 20's 😂

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 13/11/2018 21:18

P.S. Re. the writing: My first six months with each baby I got SO much creative work done - they slept a lot and it was a good outlet for me to 'be myself'. Thing is you never really know if they're going to nap for 10 minutes or 2 hours ...

ElectricMonkey · 13/11/2018 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 13/11/2018 21:53

ElectricMonkey thanks, well I did burn out after a few years but that's a different story ...

Iamanotheranon · 13/11/2018 22:05

Honestly, I think you're happy as you are. You don't HAVE to have children. However, If you had a child it wouldn't be the end of your social life and hobbies, but a break from it. My DD has just turned 6 and if I didn't have her younger brother then I'd be able to do a lot more and have more time. (I don't mean that as awful as it sounds, I mean if you just had one 6 year old you'd be able to do more if that makes sense?)

Onemorefireball · 13/11/2018 22:49

If I were you, no I wouldn't. If you have no strong feelings either way then stick with the life you are happy with. I did really want children, but I still often think how much easier life would be without them!

I think we are programmed to think we should have children and there should be a good reason if we don't, but it's perfectly fine to be happy without them.

cleanhousewastedlife · 13/11/2018 23:03

I was like you. We used the ambivalent word! We tried because we thought we 'should' and every month was a rollercoaster. Then we got a diagnosis of unexplained infertility and the Dr put us on the list for ivf without even asking us if we wanted it. When it was our turn for our first attempt ....I just couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to potentially wreck my health, my happy marriage, my sanity. Those were my fears. In the end, stepping away means I've been able to change careers - I now teach at a uni and I love love love teaching young adults. I feel like mother duck to them! But I get to go home to peace. I feel I've found my balance, and now when I look at tired, stressed parents I feel relief that it's not me.

Someone said to me once re kids - "it's just another relationship ". I've found that really helpful. So I make sure I have other, different, positive relationships. I definitely don't think having kids is for everyone and it sounds as if your push to have them is coming from 'should' rather than 'want.' If you are not sure, it's quite a massive thing to commit to! (Good luck in your decision- I know it's hard.)

Original poster
Kyratzis · 14/11/2018 08:44

Thanks for all these thoughtful replies. Loads to absorb and think about here, but honestly I think I'm already feeling a bit better about making the decision not to have them. Absolutely agree with those who said that you'll feel a bit of regret and FOMO whichever path you take!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/11/2018 08:58

What does DH think, or is he happy to just go along with whatever you decide? If he hasn't got strong feelings either way, I'd probably say no, don't do it. You're both happy as you are, and a child would be terribly disruptive. They don't sleep, they demand attention all the time, they're messy, smelly, expensive, and take up so much time. The H can feel neglected when the dbaby comes along.

They need a lot of love and make you laugh, though. Get a dog Grin

Original poster
Kyratzis · 14/11/2018 09:04

Single he doesn't have strong feelings either, though he's much more extroverted than me and he's better with our friends' kids - very good at entertaining them. But he says he makes the effort in order to give the parents a break. We've said if one of us felt really strongly that we'd like to have a child, then we'd probably go for it.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/11/2018 09:26

You can see from some of the threads on here, how much disruption a DC can bring into people's lives. If you're happy as you are, why risk it unless you really are desperate for them?

CitrusFruit9 · 14/11/2018 09:35

I wouldn't. Having children puts a strain on any relationship so you need to bear in mind the risk to your relationship with your DH too.

I lost a high flying professional career and my side writing career due to having children, including one with SN. Ironically they are older now and I have more time, but the writing seems to have gone for good.

Original poster
Kyratzis · 14/11/2018 11:23

The changes to my relationship with DH are one of my concerns too, Citrus. I think we'd be fine but probably not quite so happy/content. Not that life is only about being happy. Your writing will come back one day, I'm sure - it's in there somewhere. Give yourself permission to write total shit for a year and it'll come back!

OP posts:
Thecomfortador · 14/11/2018 11:56

Go to soft play for a couple of hours one Saturday afternoon. See how you feel afterwards.

immummynoiam · 14/11/2018 12:10

it is like another relationship - one you can't get out of where you always have to be the bigger, better behaved person whatever they are doing! However they are behaving it's always your problem to fix.

Don't they say the research into happiness and kids reports that experientally, parents are often less happy moment to moment, but overall report higher levels of 'fundamental' contentment? That sounds right to me.

If you survey me 10 mins before bedtime or 20 mins before we have to leave for school...vs when i'm reading bedtime stories and getting hugs.

Jocasta2018 · 14/11/2018 12:33

My Mum used to say ‘A child is for life, not just for Christmas’ and ‘A child doesn’t ask to be born’.
I’m the right person to babysit, help a new mum around the house, be a confidante for friends’ teens but at the end of the day, I can hand them back.
I admit my failings, having children wouldn’t be fair on them, my partner or me. If you have even the slightest doubt, don’t.

SerenDippitty · 14/11/2018 13:01

Don't they say the research into happiness and kids reports that experientally, parents are often less happy moment to moment, but overall report higher levels of 'fundamental' contentment? That sounds right to me.

Can one actually be sure that people respond truthfully to people doing this sort of research?

Having children changes your relationship fundamentally. You're parents first and a couple second.

NinjaGoSaysNo · 14/11/2018 13:04

Regarding FOMO, I have 2 DC and get it, but I asked a few childfree by choice friends if they ever get it about having DC and they said no, it's just not something that's on their radar.

Anyway, I have 2, 3 years apart. It's hard work, especially looking after them both on my own (I'm not a single parent, I just mean when no other adults are around). I love them both and don't wish either one away but I do think, as an introvert and a creative person, I'd have felt more balanced with just the one. Though at the same time I used to want 3 or 4 as I have a strong maternal urge (I'm contradictory I know) but am stopping now as I know I couldn't cope with any more, especially if they had extra needs. One of mine has a "difficult" personality and that alone means he uses up a lot more of my energy and attention than two (or even three) children with an "easy" personality would.

Original poster
Kyratzis · 14/11/2018 13:14

Creepyex will do! Looks interesting.

Can one actually be sure that people respond truthfully to people doing this sort of research?

I've read quite a few articles along the who's happier, parents or non-parents theme, and the one that seemed most sensible concluded that overall, people who are happier/more optimistic naturally will be the happiest whether they do or don't have children.

I think it's generally accepted that parents have more peaks and troughs in happiness, so their responses to surveys like that will vary wildly.

OP posts:
immummynoiam · 14/11/2018 13:38

Even so though, the research seems to show that minute by minute they are less happy, even given the self reported bias! I daren’t read that book. My 2 I don’t regret for a minute but dc1 would’ve been a better only child and we might’ve been more sensible sticking to one.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/11/2018 13:40

Both totally ambivalent about whether we want children or not.

Then don't have them, seriously!

also I think, deep down, that there's a voice inside me telling me that I'm a bad person for not wanting them

I understand this voice - it's the voice of society telling women they are "selfish" for not having children. But in reality it's the other way round: having children is the most narcissistic, selfish thing anyone can do (and I say that as a parent). Creating mini-mes doesn't improve the world (quite the opposite), we just do it because we really, really want to.

I've got lots of happy, fulfilled friends who are much older than you, and who have lives without having had their own children, and I think it's an entirely valid, positive choice.

greendale17 · 14/11/2018 13:42

I wouldn’t if I was you.