Would you have children if you were me?

[Kyratzis]

I know this isn't a question anyone else can answer for me, and there are lots of similar threads on here (I've read them all!) So I don't know how helpful starting another one will be, but here goes.

I'm in my late 30s, so it's decision time. I'm married, we've been together ages and are happy just the two of us. Both totally ambivalent about whether we want children or not. I've never been someone who wants or is interested in children, but nor am I someone who really strongly doesn't want them. Most of our friends have kids and we enjoy spending time with them, but not so much that it makes us want them too.

I have a lot of interests and am always very busy, and I'm a writer at the very beginning of my career (first book came out this year). I know that if I don't have children, I'll be very happy just carrying on as I am, and will obviously have a lot more time to write, which is my total passion, though not my day job. I know loads of people combine creative work with children, but I have a feeling that it would fall by the wayside given that I probably can't make a living doing it (I'm a poet, so not going to be rocketing up the bestseller lists any time soon).

When I put it down in writing like this, I can't see why I WOULD have children, but there is still something in the back of my mind that can't commit and say, nope, definitely not doing it. I think it's because I'm really close to my family so don't understand why I don't want to, and also I think, deep down, that there's a voice inside me telling me that I'm a bad person for not wanting them. I don't agree with that voice, but it's there nonetheless!

I think that if it’s just the voice telling you you’re a bad person if you don’t have them, that’s making you consider it - don’t do it. That’s different to saying - a voice tells you you’d love a family or watching someone grow up.

I love my child and I’m glad I have him but it’s so hard. In the past year and a half my partner and I have only spent one day together without him. There’s no family to help. He doesn’t sleep. I’m permanently exhausted. I have no time what so ever for anything I like doing. It’s put a strain on our relationship and I am resentful of how much falls to me (as OH works long hours).
I feel I have no peace of mind as I’m always thinking of him, planning for him, organising, worrying.

I think you should only do it if you really want to. That said, I’m sure plenty of people do have kids unplanned / without much thought of what it will be like, and afterwards feel it was by far the best decision.

Oh I don’t know... sorry 😬

In that case I think there's your answer. I knew I wanted to be a mum although don't get me wrong I was scared and thought about how things would change, wouldn't have as much freedom etc but in the end it was worth it for me.

It's a really tough one. And it's not simply a case of go for it and you'll be successful or don't try and get on with your life. There is a big grey area in the middle that is a horrible horrible place to be and can put everything you've ever worked for and hope for in the future on the line.

I was in a similar position and aged 38 having met someone I wanted to spend my life with, I decided yes, I wanted a family. I started TTC and over the last two years have had four rounds of IVF, three fertility related surgeries and a dreadful miscarriage of twins. I have had to give up my job, lost some friends, my physical and emotional health are compromised, and am not the person I used to be.

I miss that person and even if I gave up this journey today, I'll always be a different person with a very different childless life ahead versus the childless life I would have had if I'd never started down this track.

Obviously had my pregnancy been successful or I'd fallen pregnant since, it would be a very different story and I'm sure I'd feel like it was all worthwhile.

However right now I wish I'd cherished what I had and never set my mind on this.
Think hard.

I don't think you can make a rational decision to have children really. They are expensive, they put a halt on you enjoying the things you enjoy, they take up your time. So why would you do it! You do it because you have a need for them even knowing all this. I think.

From what you've said I think this need is niggling at you.

My partner was very indifferent about having kids and found having babies incredibly hard. I am a creative and had to put my life in hold I have still done small creative jobs around the kids but only now can I get back into the bigger stuff and I do miss the freedom to say just stay up late and write or go and meet people. I definitly wanted kids but I was also open to adoption and I would also think about that as you could easily work hard for another 5-10 years and then adopt a child if you wanted. But it is incredibly all consuming when they are babies if you are creative as much as when you are in the throes of creativity itself. And unless you have money for a nanny or good support network you may get frustrated and depressed you can't write. However your writing might be much richer for the experience in a couple of years time. I would liken the first two years to having to do alevels so yes you could also write a poetry book too but you'll be pretty much shattered and doing it at 4am. Or you can step back a bit from your career see if motherhood happens and embrace it. It gets hard though too financially and be wary if your partner isn't super into kids it will be difficult as you also generally get your partner becoming a kid and craving attention if you have a baby apart from a few super dads. Overall it's magical and very special but you have to put creative headspace on the back burner a little

Your life sounds like ours and it's honestly the best decision of my life to have our daughter. I shudder when I think I could have let it pass me by.

I was never broody and didn't want to hold other babies but I adore my own with a passion I cannot put into words. My husband feels the same.

I only wish we could have more than one!

My DCs are now 7 nearly 5, and I have friends, hobbies, job - as much of my old life as I want. It was more an interruption than sacrifice, if that makes sense. My friends pretty much all have DCs, so we weren't having wild nights out anymore anyway. We never had sleep problems and have family support, so that helps.

I also know a good few creative women who have tapped into the mum market: blogging, kids books, kids classes etc. It's just a variety you haven't explored yet but definitely opens as many doors as it closes.

I think either way, you need to own your decision, not just let life happen. Decide either to stop contraception or decide for sure you aren't doing it. I think regret from indecision is worse than consciously choosing something. You could play out both choices and see how you feel. Good luck whatever you decide.

I think the fact that you're asking means you shouldn't at the moment.

I don't think you should have a baby unless you really really can't think about anything else want one.
It's a life long commitment for something you're not 100% sure about.

I'm a great auntie, but I'd make a terrible mother as I'm just not into the idea of being a parent.

I think having them because you are "supposed to" or because "everyone does" or because "I'll love it when it's here, I'm not unnatural or unfeeling" is a big con and we are lucky to live in a world where it's easier than ever to resist (it's still not totally accepted that women who chose not to have children are not unnatural or unfeeling, but it's better than it has been in the past).

No, definitely not.

If you are both ambivalent then you shouldn't have children.

If you have to ask then you shouldn't.

My DCs are now 7 nearly 5, and I have friends, hobbies, job - as much of my old life as I want

On the other hand, mine are 8 and 10 and all those things you've mentioned, friends, hobbies and career are still very much on the back burner for me! I have very little of my old life left.

I was in a similar position to you and decided not to have children - I'm 46 now. My decision was based on my ambivalence due to not wanting my life to change and be child-centric, compounded by the "what if" of how extra-difficult it would be if I had a child with special needs. And I am worried about what's happening to the planet with climate change, etc, and think that there are more than enough humans here already. I do sometimes feel a twinge of regret but there's no perfect life and no right or wrong decision...But on balance I believe I made the right choice for me and my DH (he has 2 children already and didn't want to have more, but said he would if I felt strongly about it).

Would agree with PP

Based on what you have written, no

If you feel guilty for not wanting children, that's probably a good sign that you don't want children.

If the thought of daily life with children horrifies you, you probably wouldn't enjoy it.

Insert literally any other undertaking into those sentences and see how silly it would be to say "the thought of X horrifies me, but maybe I want to sign up for it anyway because lots of other people seem to want to do it".

Children aren't mandatory. You could have an amazing life without them.

We put it off. I was worried about my hobbies and my career etc. I was ambivalent until I had one and turned into an Earth mother. Honestly my life revolves around them and I can’t imagine a life without them.

I am slightly different to you in that I know I definitely don’t want them, and would probably be quite happy to be told I was infertile as it would mean no more worrying about contraception (apologies to anyone struggling with infertility - I’d happily trade my womb).

But from what you’ve said about your current life, and your feelings of being fine about never being a Mum, and worrying more about regretting having the child than not having it - I wouldn’t. Those are all things that I feel, and none of them translate to feeling that it would be a risk worth taking to throw a child-shaped grenade into your life

I could have written your original post about a year ago and I have made the decision not to have kids.

One of the main reasons for me is the same as yours-I simply have a great life. I have financial security-my partner and I can go for nice meals or cinema dates whenever we like without worrying about costs, we go on a few nice holidays every year, we enjoy our lies in on a week end and our peace and quiet when we come home from work on an evening- I’ll freely admit I’m unwilling to give up my current lifestyle on the off chance that I might prefer a life with children, with their own sets of needs and complexities.

Please don’t be scaremongered by certain posters on here that you should only have kids because you simply might regret it if you don’t- this is not a valid reason to have kids! The amount of posts I have seen on mumsnet by women who regret choosing to have kids far outweigh the ones who decided not to.

yes i do think you can get a version of yourself back once they are at school - probably more true if you work part time or sah than if you are working FT because then you are working or you have the children and there's still not much alone time.

I always think in these situations, that you should imagine that someone else has to make the decision for you, and that you have to abide by what they say....what are you hoping they decide?

Having kids looks easy from the outside, but obviously it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. You probably won't get a good nights sleep for at least 5 years. You have to place someone else's needs and wants above your own, for at least 18 years.

I wanted kids and I love mine to bits. Obviously! But I was quite startled when they left home, at how much time I had on my hands, once I didn't have them to cater for, cook for, do school runs & laundry etc.It makes you realise, that you've come 2nd for almost 20 years. And when the youngest left, I was only 45 (I'm 48 now).

I would also consider about the increased risks of you having something go wrong, or a baby with extra needs, given your age. I can't imagine how difficult that would be.

Are you ready to sacrifice everything as you know it? Because babies don't "fit in" around your lifestyle, your lifestyle has to change to accommodate a baby!

NO. Don't do it. Being childfree is a great choice. Embrace it.
You get FOMO either way. I have terrific FOMO about all the adventures I could have had without DC. My kids are ok but I wish I was a different person who could have parented them better. Child-free is fine. Nothing at all wrong with child-free.