How the hell do I reply to this message?

[FrizzyMcFrizzface]

Wise sages of Mumsnet please help.

Today I received this text from my sister:
Hi Frizzy how are you? Thinking about Christmas, shall we just send cards rather than buy presents from now on? It saves trips to the post office and we don’t really know each other’s taste. Obviously I’ll still be buying presents for the boys! Xxxx

Context: DSis and I are not close, had a v difficult on/off relationship since childhood (6 yr age gap - she’s younger). We really have nothing in common. She lives 250 miles away, we almost never see each other. DM and DF desperately want us to be close but she’s really selfish, entitled and they just can’t see it. This feels like the nail in the coffin. I can’t tell the DPs as they will just blame me. Have already bought a present for her and her DP that is personal to our DCs but could be given to someone else in the family instead. Basically she’s saying everything I’ve bought her is shit and she doesn’t like it isn’t she?

So how do I reply? Actually what I want to say is ‘Fuck off you ungrateful bitch, why bother with the cards then?’ But if —she’s still buying for the boys— DM and DF are still buying for the boys then it’s bad if I don’t get her anything?

Don’t feel I want to/can get DPs involved due to their overt favouritism and the fact they are moving away to live near her and away from their only grandchildren who adore them (one has rare genetic disorder and SEN and requires a huge amount of time and help) but that’s clearly another thread!

Sorry for the long post but I feel all churned up inside and just don’t know what to do.

Couldn’t get strike though to work!

To be honest I’d just say ‘sounds good to me!’. Presents for adults are a bit pointless if you don’t know each other’s tastes etc. I’d be happy I had one less present to buy and one less chore to do.
You know you’re not close, so why is it bothering you so much?

I think it's quite sensible and that you're possibly reading too much into it. I would send a card and a taken gift from your children to her.

Token gift not taken!

Personally I would be like 'yeah alright then'. Presents for people you don't like and don't know very well are a waste of money and resources. What is the point really?

Is there anyone else you could give the present to?

I said this to my SIL a few weeks ago! Not about difficulty buying gifts the other would like but I said "we haven't got much money atm. Can we just do kids this year?"

I hope she doesn't see it as a snub on previous gifts

Yeah I tend to agree presents for all adults in your family is taking Christmas too far. We do gifts for children at Christmas between me and my sister.

She sounds really sensible, there's a Money Saving Expert campaign that addresses exactly this issue. The obligation to buy gifts for people has got out of control, it sounds like she's doing a very sensible thing.

Sounds fine to me. I don't buy for my siblings except for my brother as he doesn't have a partner/ children

I think you are overreacting. Perhaps she saw the Martin Lewis programme about Christmas presents. I agree with Martin Lewis.

I think actually your sister is totally right to say this. Am going to borrow her message to send to my own sister now.

I’d love to receive a similar message from my sister to be honest! Perhaps I should text this to her and see what she says. I can’t see the point of adult presents especially since it seems from you post that you really don’t like your sister very much anyway.

My response would be "fab, sounds great!". We don't do gifts for adults in our family either (only for our parents) because there's far too many of us!

Sorry ... I would be quite glad to get this e-mail ... I wouldn’t take it personally but be grateful that at least it saves money and postage.

If it is mutually agreed (???) DPs can’t really complain

Wtf are you reading in to it like that?! I’d see your point if she was saying “let’s buy presents for only the kids” if it turned out she’s had kids and you didn’t.

Why don’t you just give her the gifts you’ve bought from your sons instead?

She may have money issues you don't know about and can't afford to be spending on gifts and postage...if I was you I'd just say that sounds great, ...after all she is still offering to send the kids a gift

It is a good idea to stop buying for someone you don't know well.

An exchange of cards is arms length contact, embrace it.

Suggest no need to buy for the boys either, then you'll further reduce your contact.

Everyone wins.

Your parents will be cross that their adult children are sensibly choosing to reduce financial outlay? What odd people. Be glad they're moving away. Bunting time!

Let her go. She's given you the space to do so without fear of offending her. Life is way too short to pretend a relationship that you don't feel in your heart.

Don't badmouth her in front of the kids or your parents, they are all entitled to have their own relationship with her as they choose.

I did this with my brother 5 years ago and we are now on occasional friendly emailing terms. He is still my kids' uncle and godfather and sends them extravagant things and they say thank you nicely and life carries on. He also lives in another country so it's easy not to have to meet up 

Her text says more about her failings than yours so just graciously accept and maintain your moral high ground (if that's how you view it)

I think you're a little sensitive about this for some probably really good reasons but there's absolutely nothing wrong with only buying for kids, in fact, it's completely normal.

I would text back a simple "Sounds good! Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas" and be relieved you'll have a bit of extra money next year to buy someone else something!

I honestly think you are overthinking this. Christmas is a really expensive time of year and maybe she is just trying to save herself some money by not buying adults gifts. I'd go with it and save yourself some cash!

It's a clumsy message and late for organised folk like yourself but long-term wouldn't this be better for you? Why force a relationship. Keep it simple and civil, she's still interested in her nephews.

Sibling point scoring doesn't stop as an adult. She knows what will needle you conscious or subconscious and her message and its timing suggests of that to me.

I'd do my best to let this one go and if you can recycle the present great.

You might hate your sister for very good reason but that message from her is sensible and is suggesting a perfectly normal arrangment in a perfectly nice manner. I'd agree immediately. Politely.

My sis and I stopped buying for each other a few years ago. We buy for the kids still. It’s no reflection on gifts given more that we all have stuff, don’t need more stuff and stressing (and paying) for more stuff that isn’t really needed was wasteful. It’s fantastic

Obviously you know your sister best, but to me, her text didn't sound unreasonable in itself and I wouldn't have interpreted it as meaning she has hated everything you've got her. There are hundreds of posts each year on MN from people who wa t to reduce present buying for adults. Many people agree that this is a perfectly reasonable request.

Sorry OP, I think she’s right. It’s a sensible idea. I’ve cut down on presents to family members massively and now just buy for the kids. I sent out some very similar texts about this time last year.