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Original poster

How the hell do I reply to this message?

104 replies

FrizzyMcFrizzface · 09/11/2018 17:54

Wise sages of Mumsnet please help.

Today I received this text from my sister:
Hi Frizzy how are you? Thinking about Christmas, shall we just send cards rather than buy presents from now on? It saves trips to the post office and we don’t really know each other’s taste. Obviously I’ll still be buying presents for the boys! Xxxx

Context: DSis and I are not close, had a v difficult on/off relationship since childhood (6 yr age gap - she’s younger). We really have nothing in common. She lives 250 miles away, we almost never see each other. DM and DF desperately want us to be close but she’s really selfish, entitled and they just can’t see it. This feels like the nail in the coffin. I can’t tell the DPs as they will just blame me. Have already bought a present for her and her DP that is personal to our DCs but could be given to someone else in the family instead. Basically she’s saying everything I’ve bought her is shit and she doesn’t like it isn’t she?

So how do I reply? Actually what I want to say is ‘Fuck off you ungrateful bitch, why bother with the cards then?’ But if —she’s still buying for the boys— DM and DF are still buying for the boys then it’s bad if I don’t get her anything?

Don’t feel I want to/can get DPs involved due to their overt favouritism and the fact they are moving away to live near her and away from their only grandchildren who adore them (one has rare genetic disorder and SEN and requires a huge amount of time and help) but that’s clearly another thread!

Sorry for the long post but I feel all churned up inside and just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

avocadoincident · 09/11/2018 18:31

Typo I'd not Is

Feb2018mumma · 09/11/2018 18:32

I asked my family not to do presents as I can't afford it and was basically a cover for that! I didn't mean that their presents were shit? I think maybe you're sensitive about the relationship and maybe reading too much into it? I am still getting my neice a present as in my head children don't understand no presents? She probably has that same thought process? Don't be upset

Bombardier25966 · 09/11/2018 18:35

There's got to be more of a back story here. Despite everyone telling you there's nothing wrong with her message, you're still trying to find fault.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families

Dollymixture22 · 09/11/2018 18:37

Is there scope to use this as an opportunity to mend fences? Instead of gifts let’s meet half way between our houses and have a spa day together?

My sister is my best friend and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. Maybe this is beyond repair - but maybe not?

Original poster

FrizzyMcFrizzface · 09/11/2018 18:41

I expect you are all right, family is just a really sensitive and emotive subject right now. It just feels like it’s the final nail in the coffin, I’m on the outside and no longer part of the family. I’ve had counselling as part of PTSD treatment from my youngest’s diagnosis and early days and was advised to just move on and concentrate on my own family - meaning DCs and DH and just detach and move forward. But it hurts. I think you are all right - it’s actually more about my DPs than DSis and the fact that it feels like they are all cosying up together, both physically and emotionally.

OP posts:

janisposh · 09/11/2018 18:44

I can't work out why this has annoyed you

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 09/11/2018 18:44

Do you want her to get stuff for the kids? If they already (as most children) get more than enough then just send a nice reply saying hi that's a really good idea, in fact don't worry about presents for the kids just send cards for Christmas from now on.

For what it's worth brother and I don't get each other/s family presents (ever) so I don't get the kids Christmas presents but I send all the kids a birthday card with money each year.

My mother has decided this year that from now on we're not doing Christmas presents with her and dsd and my family.

It's so much easier to be honest!

BumsexAtTheBingo · 09/11/2018 18:45

Seems sensible. You barely interact by the sound of it so how would you be able to choose a gift that will actually be used and appreciated.
And from your ott reaction I imagine she probably finds you as difficult as you do her.

legolimb · 09/11/2018 18:47

Sounds like a great idea to me.

I am trying to encourage all adults in our family to cease gift giving - just give to the DC (although the youngest of those is 18 now!).

Take it for what it is - I don't know your sister but it could be that you are over reacting.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 09/11/2018 18:49

Also can I add.

You and your sister are both adults, your relationship with each other (as long as your not having blazing arguments etc) and your choices around how you celebrate or give gifts is nothing to do with them!

They can say what they want just let it wash over you!

Having a family that isn't great is hard op but you can't change them so don't try. What you can do though is pull your heart back to protect it. They will do what they want but that's not a reflection on yo, that's on them.

blueskiesrule · 09/11/2018 18:49

Hi Frizzy I totally understand your last message and think it's very wise to be able to reflect like that. Obviously this is more about the present thing and it is really sad when family can't be what we want it to be (speaking from experience) but it's really important to be kind to yourself, especially with your other stresses, and concentrate on making your own little family how you want it (and it sounds like that would be much warmer and inclusive than your birth family). Though I'd probably keep the door open a bit for the others just so you don't meet their expectations (and because you never know too eg if your sister suddenly had her own children it might change things) but to try not to be so emotionally invested in how they are (even though that's totally normal). Sorry that's so long - was meant to be a quick message

Meredith501 · 09/11/2018 18:50

Your sister's text sounds perfectly sensible and not a slight at all.

It seems like you have bigger problems with your parents. You say they think that presents must have equal monetary value. That's fine if that's the way they want to do things. It doesn't mean you have to do it. You are an adult with your own family. Make your own decisions, you don't need to justify those decisons to your parents.

blueskiesrule · 09/11/2018 18:51

meant to be: this is about more than the present thing - doh

Serialweightwatcher · 09/11/2018 18:52

I think it's fine - give her gifts to someone else and let her buy for the boys ... I hate that DH's family have always done presents for adults because I get the same rubbish and so do they - we don't spend much on anyone coz we can't afford it so the stuff isn't worth having really and I would love it to stop except for the children

LasMeninas · 09/11/2018 18:53

so why bother with them also? I can’t help but feel that’s just so she doesn’t look bad in front of our DPs

It could just be that she knows the kids are more likely to enjoy the presents.

Me and my siblings stopped doing presents for each other recently (was always so hard to come up with things we wanted). But we continue with nieces and nephews, because we know they still get that excitement over opening tons of presents on xmas day.

Leeds2 · 09/11/2018 18:53

Tbh, I think your sister has the right idea, and I would accept her suggestion immediately!
I wouldn't send her anything from your children - I find it really, really annoying if you have a "no gift" agreement and people try and get round it. It will just make her feel bad. Maybe send her something like one of their school photos, at a non Christmas time of year.
And should she have children in the future, buy presents for them.

findingmywaytoday · 09/11/2018 18:54

It's difficult as your relationship is complicated. It might be that she doesn't know where to start present wise with you and your other half. In my family once we all got married, we initially did secret Santa to keep things binder control but now it has petered our to just buying for kids so her suggestion isn't really too weird. If your uncomfortable Re her getting your children and not reciprocating presents maybe get a small token present of some chocolates / sweets delivered via amazon?

Chamomileteaplease · 09/11/2018 18:55

I agree with everyone else but would add, do try not to feel uncomfortable with her getting presents for your kids. She obviously doesn't want a present from you so I would really leave it. Accept the kids' presents graciously and send a proper thank you. That should cover it.

Perhaps start another thread about the hurt you are feeling with regard to your parents' move.

YearOfYouRemember · 09/11/2018 18:55

Don't buy her anything from the kids then if it turns out she feels you should buy her something from the boys, she can tell you.

horizonglimmer · 09/11/2018 18:56

I agree with others that I don't see the negative undertones to this. Me and my brother agreed some time ago not to do presents for each other either. I think it was a relief to both of us.

InfiniteVariety · 09/11/2018 18:59

I think it's entirely sensible to buy Christmas gifts for children only within the family. As your concern seems to be that she will still be buying for your sons, she may have children herself later and you will then buy Christmas gifts for them. So eventually it will even out

gamerwidow · 09/11/2018 19:04

It's really sensible not to buy for adults in the family and a lot of siblings stop presents for each other when children come along.
I think your view of this is clouded by the fact you don't like her anyway.
Embrace it, its one lot of gifts not to worry about next year!

Bluewidow · 09/11/2018 19:07

We only ever buy for the children once someone has children. Buying for everyone just adds to consumerism and waste. We are adults we don't need presents from every bloody relative .

Alwaysasparklymoment99 · 09/11/2018 19:11

We've done this in my family. It is such a relief. I say go for it. Give the gift to someone else and enjoy feeling free to not have to buy in furture years. Its liberating.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/11/2018 19:13

I don't understand what she's said wrong if I'm honest and I have a very similar relationship with my sister.

Feel relieved that's less pressies you've got to buy now!

It's nice that she's still thinking of the boys.

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