How the hell do I reply to this message?

[FrizzyMcFrizzface]

Wise sages of Mumsnet please help.

Today I received this text from my sister:
Hi Frizzy how are you? Thinking about Christmas, shall we just send cards rather than buy presents from now on? It saves trips to the post office and we don’t really know each other’s taste. Obviously I’ll still be buying presents for the boys! Xxxx

Context: DSis and I are not close, had a v difficult on/off relationship since childhood (6 yr age gap - she’s younger). We really have nothing in common. She lives 250 miles away, we almost never see each other. DM and DF desperately want us to be close but she’s really selfish, entitled and they just can’t see it. This feels like the nail in the coffin. I can’t tell the DPs as they will just blame me. Have already bought a present for her and her DP that is personal to our DCs but could be given to someone else in the family instead. Basically she’s saying everything I’ve bought her is shit and she doesn’t like it isn’t she?

So how do I reply? Actually what I want to say is ‘Fuck off you ungrateful bitch, why bother with the cards then?’ But if —she’s still buying for the boys— DM and DF are still buying for the boys then it’s bad if I don’t get her anything?

Don’t feel I want to/can get DPs involved due to their overt favouritism and the fact they are moving away to live near her and away from their only grandchildren who adore them (one has rare genetic disorder and SEN and requires a huge amount of time and help) but that’s clearly another thread!

Sorry for the long post but I feel all churned up inside and just don’t know what to do.

Regardless of the intent, I think it is a really good opportunity for you.

I would reply as others have suggested that she needn't worry about the boys either.

It just means that you don't have to invest any more headspace to her, and as it is by mutual agreement it takes the sting out of it.

Your parents sound like they are contributing to the problem.

Try not to worry about it. I can see from what you’ve said that her removing from you the chance to reciprocate makes you feel uncomfortable and if she is manipulative, it’s quite clever because she comes off as virtuous whilst potentially making you look less so in the long run.
I suggest 1. That you accept it as there’s nothing you can do about it, and be thankful that you don’t have to do the presents anymore (it’s not perfect but try to feel at peace about it) and 2. if you want to reciprocate, your children can do some very fancy thank you notes.

If you had said it was your SIL , Id actually have wondered wether this was me...!

I’ve just messaged her something similar. If it is you, and you’ve muddled it to keep it anonymous. Yup. No malice or judgement intended. Just one less person on my list and one I struggle to buy for as we have literally NOTHING in common.

She buys nice personal stuff too. But I’m not her so it isn’t quite right iyswim. On the face of it a Photo album is nice. But only if you enjoy spending time selecting and printing photos. I know a lot of people who would love to spend a few days doing that (inc my SIL) but not me. It’s just another chore I would have to make time for.

A rose is nice, but roses don’t do too well in my garden, so I’d always be scared it‘d die. And she’d think I didn’t care about it/her. Sounds hideously ungrateful of me, and I’d feel terrible for not being delighted. But it would just Hammer home to me how dissimilar we are. That isn’t a crime. We are allowed not to get on. But like my SIL you’ve been raised by your parents (I guess) to think it is personal and not just one of those things.

I’ve suggested I keep buying for the boys because kids love presents and they are easy to buy for. But no, I don’t really care deeply about them. I’m not a big fan of other people’s small children In general, much as I love my own kid.

SIL HASNT bought me any of those things btw. So I’m pretty sure it isn’t you.

I agree with Beryl. I think your DP's are making things worse. My DC's who are around the same age as you and your sister fell out a long time ago. I took a step back and left them to it. This means I can have a relationship with both of them, without causing problems with the other one.
I hope you are getting some support.