How the hell do I reply to this message?

[FrizzyMcFrizzface]

Wise sages of Mumsnet please help.

Today I received this text from my sister:
Hi Frizzy how are you? Thinking about Christmas, shall we just send cards rather than buy presents from now on? It saves trips to the post office and we don’t really know each other’s taste. Obviously I’ll still be buying presents for the boys! Xxxx

Context: DSis and I are not close, had a v difficult on/off relationship since childhood (6 yr age gap - she’s younger). We really have nothing in common. She lives 250 miles away, we almost never see each other. DM and DF desperately want us to be close but she’s really selfish, entitled and they just can’t see it. This feels like the nail in the coffin. I can’t tell the DPs as they will just blame me. Have already bought a present for her and her DP that is personal to our DCs but could be given to someone else in the family instead. Basically she’s saying everything I’ve bought her is shit and she doesn’t like it isn’t she?

So how do I reply? Actually what I want to say is ‘Fuck off you ungrateful bitch, why bother with the cards then?’ But if —she’s still buying for the boys— DM and DF are still buying for the boys then it’s bad if I don’t get her anything?

Don’t feel I want to/can get DPs involved due to their overt favouritism and the fact they are moving away to live near her and away from their only grandchildren who adore them (one has rare genetic disorder and SEN and requires a huge amount of time and help) but that’s clearly another thread!

Sorry for the long post but I feel all churned up inside and just don’t know what to do.

@FrizzyMcFrizzface I have sister issues too and I can completely see why her message has made you feel like that.

It's this...
It saves trips to the post office and we don’t really know each other’s taste. Obviously I’ll still be buying presents for the boys!

"We don't really know each other's taste" - if you've been sending each other gifts up until last year then this does infer that they've been missing the mark.

"Obviously I'll still be buying presents for the boys!" - Well this involves a trip to the Post Office so what the hell is she on about.

I'd actually probably reply with, "sounds fine don't worry about the boys though since that'd still mean a trip to the post office for you so I'll let them know not to expect anything."

Families eh?! You can't choose your sister but you can choose to disengage from her.

I don't buy for my brother or sil, we agreed to just get for the kids. That includes birthdays too. Just a card.

I'd be tempted to say:

Great idea! No need to get the kids anything though. They don't expect anything and get lots from Santa already.

Why not tell the truth:

‘I can see the sense in it but I feel a bit rejected’.

Ah bless you, I get it. They're all on one team and you feel left behind. Well, easier said than done but fuck 'em. Doesn't sound like any of them bring you much of what you need emotionally right now anyway.
I too would message and say that you completely agree, and not to worry about the boys as they're always well taken care of.

My sister is 8 years younger than me and we're extremely close, but she suggested we stop buying for each other years ago. We know each other's tastes. It was just a financial thing and makes sense as we're both pretty skint. We get pressies for the kids still.

I really think you're reading way too much into what she says in her text. It's like you're reading it to yourself as if she says everything in an incredibly sarcastic tone with malicious intent all the time. Surely she doesn't? Feeling as you do, I doubt she could do anything right in your eyes. If she'd texted and said she was going to get you something special this year, you'd probably interpret it as her being "showy" or false or something.

There have been a couple of (non-family) folk I've got to this point in my feelings about - where they can do no right - and it's always it's time to disengage and try and get my feelings into perspective. If you aren't close, what does it matter if she gets you a gift or not? What does it matter what her reasons are? Would it matter if she's never liked anything you've got her? You aren't close as you say and things are strained. I'd just keep it civil and friendly but minimise everything else. You're investing way too much emotional energy thinking about this. I am a person who struggles with this sort of negative thinking and I tend to obsess and also hold grudges (I'm a joy - honestly!) so I know how pointless and damaging this sort of thinking can be.

Basically she’s saying everything I’ve bought her is shit and she doesn’t like it isn’t she?

No. She's saying she can't be bothered buying you meaningless gifts just to fulfil a tradition so rather than accepting gifts from you and not reciprocating (which would be rude) she's just giving you the heads up that swapping random gifts are not sensible anymore. Go with it. I think she's being sensible.

This is very a popular idea on MN, (not buying gifts as adults), but I don't know a single person who does it in real life.
Personally I love choosing small and thoughtful gifts for my family and friends but I appreciate that not everyone feels the same.

Wow I think you're reading way too much into it. I have this arrangement with my brother to take off some of the stress of Christmas, we still buy for the children. I think it's quite common amongst a lot of families, I guess the only bit that would make me raise an eyebrow is the "we don't know each other's taste" but I'm going to guess it's a true point!

I think you're being over sensitive. Adults buying for one another is pointless and a waste of money. My bil used to buy us gifts like glasses that hold a whole bottle of wine-pointless or 3 foot high massive planters full of soil and bulbs that we had to bring home from 4 hours away. We were glad when that stopped!

Your sister sounds sensible. It's a waste for both of you.

I think you're reading way too much into this, if anything she's saying she doesn't k know you well enough to be arsed with buying something you'll like.

Actually I think what she's done is very sensible and kind of wish more families would do this. My fil has form for asking for things that cost more than I'd spend on my children and I really don't like him so it's grates me spending on him.

If I were you I'd just reply "that's a fabulous idea" and leave it at that.

so....if I'm reading it right, she's saying you don't have to buy presents for each other, but she will still buy things for your children, even though she herself doesn't have kids? How is that selfish?
She's a) not wasting money on buying tat for you that she doesn't think you like
b) saving you money by not having to buy her stuff she may not want
c) spending money on your kids with no expectation of reciprocation
d) being less of a hypocrite by buying you a present as if you're all happy families, when, by your own admission, you aren't.

Sounds great to me! Really, what is the point of sending each other things just for the sake of it? You mention your parents assigning value only based on monetary worth but aren't you doing exactly the same thing by buying each other presents if you aren't close...for what?

Why are you offended by the suggestion she hasn't liked the presents you've got her over the last few years? If you don't like her much, and hardly see her, then I doubt they were highly personal/thoughtful gifts? She may not have disliked them oer se, but if they were, for example, something generic like a candle/bath products she could have easily have managed without them.

I realise there is very likely a HUGE backstory to your relationship which obviously we don't know, but some of the information you have included seems unfair towards her - for example your parents' decision to move closer to her and further away from you and their grandchildren, is, I'm sure, upsetting, but is, ultimately entirely THEIR choice. She is not to blame for their decision.

Obviously there's a bit of a back story to your relationship, but as an outsider I don't see anything offensive in her message. I also think she's sensible. I come from a large family, and apart from young children we don't buy Christmas presents for each other. The expense would be crazy. I wouldn't want my loved ones to stress about affording Christmas.

Once No I mean that she will go on buying stuff for my DCs but I won’t be spending anything on her and that would be bad. But from the message I can’t even carry on buying stuff for her ‘from the DCs’ as she’s made it pretty clear that I don’t know her taste. So the unfairness is to her as I won’t be reciprocating. The stuff I’ve bought in recent years has been really nice Xmas decs for the tree as she was setting up home for the first time (I checked style etc with DM) and the first year I did it DM said DSis was moved to tears that it was so lovely and thoughtful (although never told me that herself). DM says a lot of stuff though. I have always tried to do really personal and thoughtful presents e.g. personalised leather photo album for 30th as somewhere for special pics, I found a rose in the name of my late aunt (DMs big Sis) for my mum for the first birthday after she died. So I don’t do thoughtless tat or any old box of chocs/jar candle etc (even though I love those things )

I could have written your post OP, I did this to a family member two weeks ago for the exact same reasons as you.

I replied with “I was going to contact you to say the same. Agreed”.

Never heard back but never from the arsehole anyway

I think you are reading into things. I have said about xmas presents and pointless items but wasnt trying to be offensive. Noone has taken it that way. I think your strained relationship is tainting what she has said. Agree and move on.

I mean to my family. Everyone has been happy with it. Noone offended.

As you have said yourself Frizzy, you think about your gifts for people, so it's not about the monetary value, nor should it be.
You should not feel guilty about not buying for your DSis, this is what she has requested, it seems a perfectly sensible approach which so many adults settle on these days. I don't think she is being churlish, as she will still be buying for your DCs. Accept it in good faith, and don't give it a second thought. Concentrate on your DH and DCs.

Lol I said the same to my siblings a few years ago. I didn't want anything extra, none of us needed to itand we were buying presents for the sake of it. Nothing wrong with what she said.

What was the purpose of her post office comment then ?

Good on your sister, jump at her offer and enjoy. We started doing this a few years ago and saves time and stress around Xmas of trying to think of gifts for people.

Basically she’s saying everything I’ve bought her is shit and she doesn’t like it isn’t she?
Not necessarily she could just as easily be saying she finds it very difficult to buy something she knows you would like.

Db and I never buy gifts for each other. It’s awesome.

My family only buys for children. DHs family buys for adults also (but prearranged presents so everyone gets what they actually want). It’s excellent.

I'm assuming your parents' decision to move nearer to them and away from your kids is a big factor here. Are you all getting together around Christmas time or is that not happening?

I would be thinking Happy Days if I got that message. Are you mad because you’ve already bought their gifts ? You could always donate them & start as you mean to go on next year. The tone of the message seems fine to me also.