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Original poster

How the hell do I reply to this message?

104 replies

FrizzyMcFrizzface · 09/11/2018 17:54

Wise sages of Mumsnet please help.

Today I received this text from my sister:
Hi Frizzy how are you? Thinking about Christmas, shall we just send cards rather than buy presents from now on? It saves trips to the post office and we don’t really know each other’s taste. Obviously I’ll still be buying presents for the boys! Xxxx

Context: DSis and I are not close, had a v difficult on/off relationship since childhood (6 yr age gap - she’s younger). We really have nothing in common. She lives 250 miles away, we almost never see each other. DM and DF desperately want us to be close but she’s really selfish, entitled and they just can’t see it. This feels like the nail in the coffin. I can’t tell the DPs as they will just blame me. Have already bought a present for her and her DP that is personal to our DCs but could be given to someone else in the family instead. Basically she’s saying everything I’ve bought her is shit and she doesn’t like it isn’t she?

So how do I reply? Actually what I want to say is ‘Fuck off you ungrateful bitch, why bother with the cards then?’ But if —she’s still buying for the boys— DM and DF are still buying for the boys then it’s bad if I don’t get her anything?

Don’t feel I want to/can get DPs involved due to their overt favouritism and the fact they are moving away to live near her and away from their only grandchildren who adore them (one has rare genetic disorder and SEN and requires a huge amount of time and help) but that’s clearly another thread!

Sorry for the long post but I feel all churned up inside and just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/11/2018 18:06

She has the right idea.

DPotter · 09/11/2018 18:06

You know your sister better than we do obviously, but she isn't necessarily saying all your gifts were shit. It can be difficult to choose gifts which are suitable for people with whom you don't ave a lot in common. Just reply "OK" and job done

Our family decided ages ago to drop gifts for the adults and just buy for the 'children'.

Look at it as a chore you no longer have to do. And as for worrying about what your parents will say - don't ! Life is too short and it sounds as if you have more important things to worry about than a distant sister, her Christmas present and the disappearing grandparents......

Tetrapanex · 09/11/2018 18:07

I also don’t think that I’m anyway she is saying that all your past presents have been shit

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families
SpottingTheZebras · 09/11/2018 18:09

I wonder if what she is saying, albeit clumsily, is that she struggles to find something that you like because she doesn’t know you well enough and it has come across as being ungrateful for your presents to her.

leonasa · 09/11/2018 18:10

Have had this conversation with my brother/ all adult relatives apart from parents and pretty much all my friends! I don't think it means she hates your presents, just quite a sensible move as xmas is so expensive, and do you really need the things you get from her? Obviously we don't know your relationship at all but her message does seem polite and reasonable and your feelings quite strong ("ungrateful bitch") in response, seems like there is more going on here and possibly not all down to your sister?

ScreamingValenta · 09/11/2018 18:11

You are obviously seeing this in the context of your relationship with your sister, and you might be correct in seeing it as passive-aggressive in view of what you've said in your OP.

But if that's true, or even if she genuinely hasn't liked what you've bought her, then it's sensible to stop buying gifts, so try to take the emotion out and see it as a practical measure.

She's still buying presents for your DC, so it's not all bad - if she really meant to hurt you she'd probably have said no presents at all. It's possible she genuinely sees this as a sensible measure and is expecting you to be relieved.

Pinotwoman82 · 09/11/2018 18:11

Crikey id bite her hand off! Would love to get that message

Notacluewhatthisis · 09/11/2018 18:11

Not seeing the problem. I think your feelings towards her are making you feel this is a big deal when it isn't.

JellySlice · 09/11/2018 18:12

You are being excessively precious. It sounds perfectly reasonable, and in no way judgmental.

NonaGrey · 09/11/2018 18:13

My sister and I get on well and we decided a long time ago not to waste time/money/the earths resources buying gifts for the sake of buying a gift.

Christmas is an expensive and often stressful time. Anything that makes it simpler is a good idea imo.

DH and I don’t buy each other Christmas gifts for the same reason.

All the nieces and nephews get Christmas gifts.

Birthdays the adults get a nice thoughtful gift.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 09/11/2018 18:14

Put the other issues to one side as this is clearly not the only thing that bothers you about the relationship. Be freed by this.

Original poster
FrizzyMcFrizzface · 09/11/2018 18:16

I knew posting here would be a good idea, I needed people who are not emotionally invested in the situation to give me advice. I’m just worried about her still giving my boys gifts ( although my strong suspicion is that they actually come from DPs anyway), when I’m not giving her anything (she has no children). If I give her something from the DCs doesn’t that still fall into the category of ‘you don’t know my taste’? She is very fussy and arty and considers most mainstream things inferior. Thanks for all comments so far Smile

OP posts:
Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 09/11/2018 18:16

I would also be delighted to recieve this message. Sorry op but I think your sis has the right idea.

Original poster
FrizzyMcFrizzface · 09/11/2018 18:18

Context: My DPs are very ‘monetary value must be equal’ regarding life and all presents etc, it’s actually a very complicated and sad situation for me Sad

OP posts:
thinkfast · 09/11/2018 18:19

Your sister sounds sensible on this point OP.

I'm not sure why you are seeing it as some kind of snub/rejection.

My reply would be something like "that sounds fine"

dementedpixie · 09/11/2018 18:19

Give her a bottle of wine or spirits (if she drinks) and then you've given something

zeeboo · 09/11/2018 18:20

Wow, you really don't get on if you think it's definitely that she meant "everything you've ever got me is shit"
My brother and I love each other very much but we haven't given each other presents for the last few years because, we live miles away, posting stuff is a faff and we don't understand each other's hobbies well enough to buy something really personal and special. We traded Amazon vouchers for a while before saying "this is stupid" and now we spend £20 on ourselves in December instead of sending the other one £20.
She's still buying for your kids so to me, it looks like you're coming across as a bit grabby. But, I obviously don't know the dynamic and you may well have interpreted her message perfectly.

Original poster
FrizzyMcFrizzface · 09/11/2018 18:21

Sorry, don’t mean to drip feed, she never asks about the DCs, makes no effort to contact them, isn’t interested in the slightest so why bother with them also? I can’t help but feel that’s just so she doesn’t look bad in front of our DPs.

OP posts:
OutragedEtc · 09/11/2018 18:22

She sounds eminently sensible to me.

Don’t buy her something for the sake of it if she’s requested that you don’t. Just exchange the cards and let her send something for the kids until they’re older.

Not sure where your parents come into it though?

PattiStanger · 09/11/2018 18:23

If I received this message I'd take it at face value and comply with the person's request rather than looking for hidden meanings and making my life difficult. More people should do the same imo

JanetLovesJason · 09/11/2018 18:23

I think it’s fine for families to only give gifts to children etc. as long as it’s a decision that’s made by everyone and you know, actually discussed. I don’t like unilateral pronouncements generally. Especially with passive aggressive kickers.

She sounds a bit like Ursula, Phoebe’s twin in Fiends.,

Which leads me to this...just gently and gradually give up with her. Don’t rise to anything. Grey rock, grey rock kind of thing.

gamerchick · 09/11/2018 18:24

I think you're reading into your dislike for her rather than anything else. There's nothing wrong with that message.

SummerStrong · 09/11/2018 18:28

she never asks about the DCs, makes no effort to contact them, isn’t interested in the slightest

So why did you buy her a present that is personal to your DC then?

It honestly sounds like you are 'going through the motions' of buying her what you think she should like etc. (If you were close) but in reality neither of you are bothered about the other - she's been honest about it 'look, we aren't close, let's not waste money on each other, and save the token gifts for the kids instead' seems sensible to me.

avocadoincident · 09/11/2018 18:30

Is like to scarp the meaningless tat I get from family members and save me buying them anything too. Yet not to take it personally and look at it as a relief

AnneTwacky · 09/11/2018 18:30

I think she's fine. We've decided more or less to do the same thing this year.