Oh for goodness sake. I have a crush on the builder

[Keyra]

I’m such a cliche - middle aged sahm crushing on the builder. I need strategies to look busy and keep out of the way.

Have to say that CG sounds a much better prospect than CB. CG is kind, knowledgeable, good looking, knows his way around a worktop, puts himself out for you and clearly fancies you. IMO he is likely to be a generous and considerate lover.

CB is inarticulate and dentally-challenged.

Think on, lass.

Do not be dazzled by CB. He's the building equivalent of Willoughby, while CG is clearly Colonel Brandon.

Oh sorry! Nothing really happened! He came back with his tester pots, fetched me a paintbrush from his van when I said I didn't have one, fetched me a screwdriver to open the paint pots and left. Saying "I'll be round tomorrow with the plasterer" (who apparently is very short, so in line with other nicknames on the thread, I've christened him Tiny Plasterer) .

No I wouldn't consider a threesome! I haven't had a twosome for bloody years - I have to start slowly and work my way up. As it were ...

I'm now singing 'Tiny Plasterer' to myself, to the tune of Elton John's 'Tiny Dancer'.

Hey, I'm bringing out the literate amongst you - references to Shakespeare and Jane Austen, and possibly DH Laurence! Immensely flattered.

Bore I know you speak sense but how do we control where our fantasies take us? Those missing teeth just do things for me I wish

Have skimmed the thread and sadly missed the coitus/haram post, but thought I could at least help out there!

In my experience, haram roughly means something immoral, or just not right. Examples (from my childhood) include:

1. No scattering of food on the floor (e.g. cornflakes) for a crunchy texture underfoot on a stage set, as wasting food is haram
2. No making jokes about the kid who's a little slow in your classroom, because he can't help it and it's haram to mock the less able
3. No tormenting the cat because it's haram to hurt a creature with less power than you
4. No hugging a person of the opposite sex during Ramadan while fasting because you could think impure thoughts and that's haram while fasting

Last one may be at least tangentially relevant right, off to catch up on the thread!

Contessa thank you very much for that - I was wondering earlier today again what Haram meant.

Who will carry you home in the pouring rain when you twist your ankle?
Who will nurture you through your protracted recovery?
Who looks gorgeous in his scarlet uniform?

🎼 Hold me closer, Tiny Plasterer... 🎼

Maybe OP needs to keep a tooth knocking hammer handily hidden tomorrow just in case considerate and helpful CG is The One.

Loving this thread!

In bed with hacking cough not having had any contact with outside world for 2 days and this thread has absolutely made my day. Though I have ended up in spasms of uncontrollable coughing from laughing so much.

I've seen how cb handles his breeze blocks, pretty sure he could manage me in a light rain. I've never considered myself in the light of an Austen heroine before.

No worries op if an actual Muslim person tells you all the above is bollocks then please believe them over me as my understanding is very Year-Seven-at-the-International-School in its nature!

I love your descriptions of CG and CB - and hey, the right one at least thinks you are nice!

Don't leave your flapjacks out on display next time! Because that was otherwise a good plan (following out with the goodies).

And then, find something to say directly to cb (ideally better than "do you like flapjack?" although that would do if you can't think of anything else). And use his name, so that he knows you're talking directly to him, not cg who will otherwise no doubt take over. This will give a subtle hint to cg that you do not see him as "the main one". Although likely TOO subtle for him to really notice, so no risk of offending him.

Although, I do agree with Bore's observation that cg may well be a better prospect....

And thanks for sharing! Like everyone else here, I'm loving this... can't wait for a grand December finale with Christmas hats or spelling out desires via Elf on the shelf (I never really got those things, but suddenly thinking you could put an Elf to good imaginative use here if the question is still unanswered by then...)

33 I'm sorry you're ill but glad we're making you laugh :)

I need you all to move in with me and coach me through this! Simple imagine if I knocked cg's teeth out though and I still didn't fancy him? Terribly difficult to explain away my behaviour. Particularly from a cell.

Thank you OP, I’ve just caught up with this thread and I haven’t laughed so much since snapped and farted

Im in knots laughing at this thread.

You could always ask cb to whistle for you.

This thread is the gift that keeps on giving, it's an absolute joy

Well let's see what Monday brings, maybe cb will realise what he's missing over the weekend ... I won't be in tomorrow when cg brings tp around so I don't think I'll have any more non-progress reports for you lovely folk til then. Thank you all for easing me through the trauma of unrequited lust love.

Omg dustarr my stomach did a proper flip when you mentioned whistling! I bet he's a great whistler . I once spent about three weeks trying to teach myself to do that whistling with your fingers in your mouth thing, it's so cool! There's something wrong with me isn't there?!

Does cb wear glasses, op?

No, not that I've seen Nancy. Why?

Oh wait! I missed your pic!

I'm properly lol-ing now.

Love this, is it too early to suggest it's moved to classics?
@Keyra I've just googled "how to attract a man" (because I'm long out of the game too and honestly have no idea) and thanks be to google the following sure fire tips popped up:
Appeal to his senses with your sensuous voice, fragrance, clothing and appearance.
Flirt with him by sending silent signals of your interest through subtle body language.

So, maybe get a bit of a cold so you go all husky sounding and drench yourself in roughly half a bottle of diorissimo (the perfect amount according to Jilly Cooper who is almost my only reference and is, of course, doyenne of all things saucy)
Slightly less easy to decipher is the silent signals bit...twiddling hair? Licking lips? No idea but these sound bulletproof 😂

Calm down everyone, I've found him! The toothlessness isn't so bad!