How often do you get a child free night?

[bigfishlittlefishtupperwarebox]

My DH and I have one DC, a 2yo. If you are or have been in roughly the same boat, how often do/did they stay out overnight so you could have a night off to go out as a couple etc? Just trying to settle a dispute with my DH...

I know there are a lot of different variables, but for info, our DD is at one set of DGPs for two working days as childcare, and at the other set of DGPs for 5/6 hours another day already.

When we had 1 child we had a child free night once every 2 months or so, now we have 2 I can safely say never.

About once a month now. When they were toddlers probably every other month. We are lucky though and have great family who will have them over night.

By the way OP why you can’t drink at the house?

We have DS(4) and DD(1) and we have had one child free night, which was shortly before DD was born. We didn't even go out as DF took DS so we could get some DIY done! We haven't had any evenings out as a couple either. Tbf, DM would probably be willing to babysit if she was visiting, but I worry about her doing bedtime for two by herself, and resettling the baby multiple times per evening.

However, before we had DD we used to take a day off work every now and again and leave DS in nursery and have a date day. I think I preferred that as we were more awake!

I'm one of you who has never had a night without the kids. Something I have wondered over the years. Do you think not having the grandparents help over the years would make you want to help more with your own grandchildren? Or do you think by the time you get your freedom back you might think "well I never got help so you should be able to manage"
I really hope to be a helpful grandparent but I think my parents were in the second category.
BTW I know it's not always as straightforward as that and location and health etc play a big part.

Once a week. Get a divorce and you’re laughing.

My daughter is almost 6, son is almost 18 months.

My daughter BF until 2 so no nights off until after then. When she was a bit over two I visited my sister interstate for 2 nights and my hubby stayed home.

As a couple we have had no nights out, unfortunately we don't have anyone close enough that we can trust to mind the kids over night and now that our son is here is still BF and wakes at night sometimes so again no chance of a night away yet anyway.

When they were younger, never
Now they are older I go out when I want. Which is hardly ever :(

In hospital being induced, 2 .5 years ago though I had my youngest at 1am so it wasn't really child free! I suppose last time I had no children at all with me was 2011.

Maybe once every few months. We had to move away from everyone when DD was two months.

Do you think not having the grandparents help over the years would make you want to help more with your own grandchildren? Or do you think by the time you get your freedom back you might think "well I never got help so you should be able to manage"

That's a good question. I would like to think that I will be able to help out any way that I can, but I don't know how I'll feel in 20/30years time, if I have any grandchildren at all!

I think there's a variety of reasons why GPs don't help. I can completely understand why some don't want to provide free childcare for preschoolers, that would be exhausting. And I know my Mum does so much for DB and SIL because she's widowed and caring for the GC gave her some purpose and joy in the early days of her grief. MIL has visited us a lot since FIL died earlier this year and she has also talked about this as well and wants to be able to help. She's much older though so I don't want to exhaust her and I think caring for an active 6 year old overnight would be too much.

My MIL often said the reason she wanted to help was because her mother didn't. She lived in a different country to her mother though, as do I. By her account her mother treated her a bit like Cinderella...

MIL and FIL did have the kids to stay, just not all at once. MIL also drove 60 miles to look after dc2 once a week for several months, when I got a one day per week job but there were literally no available childcare places for under 3s. Short term because as soon as he turned 3 he had a place reserved, but a very big deal for her as she was a nervous driver and had to stop for breaks enroute, making an hour's drive take 2 hours! She insisted on doing it when she heard I'd been offered the job to start immediately but they wouldn't promise to hold it til the start of the next term, when I'd have childcare.

My mother had a lot of help from her mother when we were very small but less later but she is flakey and anyway lives in a different country.

Something I have wondered over the years. Do you think not having the grandparents help over the years would make you want to help more with your own grandchildren? Or do you think by the time you get your freedom back you might think "well I never got help so you should be able to manage"

I like to think I'd be in the category of GPs who would want to help with their own DGC. But who knows - I might not be able to when the time comes due to health, age, distance...

Of my children's grandparents, PIL are not able to babysit for health reasons (they can manage the 6yo alone for a few daytime hours as he'll sit and watch a DVD quietly...), my dad lives 7 hours drive away and my mum could but basically considers it too hard work and says things like "when you have kids you choose to give up nights out, weekends away etc". Funnily enough she had LOADS of help when I was growing up, I stayed with one granny at least one night a week (she also provided childcare whilst my parents worked) and the other grandparents had all us kids to stay for several consecutive nights every school holidays, up to a week over the summer. What really annoys me if when my mum goes on about how she got a degree and worked AND brought up her children at the same time, usually in reference to me being a SAHM. She didn't do all that AT ONCE, she did it because her kids were either at school or at grandparents (or of at home my dad was in charge). I have very few memories of her being at home at the same time as us. She always guilt trips me with the "they're only young a short time" if I voice my general exhaustion/need for a break, but she has no idea what it's like.

No local grandparents here so although we had evenings out, we didn’t have any nights at home without dc for years.
Dc first stayed away at GPs without us when 5+ .

My DC’s grandparents do help, it just doesn’t extend to overnights. IL’s live abroad and we only see them a couple of times a year for a few nights, so it would feel a bit weird to have them over to stay then go away for a night. My dad has recently remarried someone much younger with her own tounf teen DC, they don’t have the space to have mine overnight at theirs and if they get a child free night they tend to go away. My mum does plenty for us but takes a lot of pain medication and strong sleeping tablets so I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her having them overnight. So it’s circumstance rather than an unwillingness on their part.

*young teen DC

Different if it's not possible with lack of childcare, but for those who just choose never to have adult/couple time away from the their DCs, I'd be very careful …… fast forward a few years and you'll be looking at each other with very little to say. A friend has included her DD in absolutely everything they do, never even went for a meal without her …. she's now gone off to uni and they're at a real loose end!

Very rarely. About half a dozen times in almost 16 years.

We have had plenty of nights out with a babysitter at home

Should have added to the above that although we don’t get overnights my DC are in bed at 7 so we have plenty of time to ourselves, I also have friends who do daytime childcare and we pay for babysitters in the evening so ‘adult time’ isn’t lacking. Just no overnight stays. I don’t think we’re missing out too much.

DD1 is 13, she stayed with her granny (exH mum) nearly every Saturday night since she was 2 weeks old until she was about 5. She loved it, granny loved it, I got a break (single parent with no other help). My parents have never lived more than 10 minutes away and have only really minded her overnight in emergency situations. Just not that type of grandparents.

DD2 Is 2.9 years. Never had a night away. I go out a couple of times a year in the evening but always come home. It’s mentally tough never getting a break. My parents wouldn’t want to do overnight stays, and her other grandparents aren’t really capable (they might be ok when she’s a bit older) and I don’t get on with them anyway so it just won’t happen. When me and exDp move into separate houses (living together until this house sells) he will have DD 1-2 nights a week so I’ll get a break then.

DD is 7 months old. I've never left her overnight as I just wouldn't ask anyone else to deal with her terrible sleep but we've left her until around midnight with grandparents around 5 times. Both sets of grandparents love babysitting her but live too far away to be providing regular childcare. I grandparents are nearby and happy to have kids I don't see a problem with them having them overnight regularly- absolutely no harm in children staying in a place they are happy and loved.

DS1 is nearly 9 and we've never had a night where we don't have any kids. We have 2 others, live in a foreign country, and none of the grandparents are willing to take all 3 at once, or are close enough to take the others when we have a child doing a sleepover etc.

DD is 4. We've had one night away just before her 4th birthday. Her aunt came and looked after her at our house. She has never had a sleepover without one of us. PIL are close by but are not interested in babysitting. SIL does 3-4 evenings a year and the odd afternoon for DD but does regularly pick up DSD2 and helps out in the holidays so we don't ask her to do too much extra, so only really our birthdays and wedding anniversary. DSDs go to their mum EOW so before DD was born we had several childfree nights a month.

Every 3 months roughly. 2 under 2 but GP have them in the week for 2 days whilst we work so they're well used to it. They all love the time but I wouldn't allow either DC to go until 9 months old minimum