Is it me, or is my new flatmate batshit?

[ThierryEnnui]

Posting in Chat so this disappears eventually.

I’m almost sure I’m not BU, but I’d appreciate a sounding board before I compose a strongly worded message!

My new flatmate moved in 3 weeks ago. When I’d met her I saw no red flags - on paper she lives a similar lifestyle to me, we clicked straight away, she’s chatty etc. But within a couple of days, something in my gut just said it wasn’t quite right. On the first morning, she quite loudly knocked on my door and opened it (I was asleep) and asked to borrow a comb. I got up and found her one. 5 mins later, she wants to borrow my toothpaste. And then my hairdryer. Fine, she’s just moved in, but she’s come from another flat share so surely she had these things before?

That evening she baked chicken in so much BBQ sauce I must have burnt a week’s worth of calories scrubbing the dish (which was left on the side, not even soaking). I’m a vegetarian and she hadn’t done much to clean up the raw chicken-y mess from her meal prep: there were chunks attached to the chopping board which she’d put straight into the dishwasher.

A couple of other things:

1. I was away for the weekend and she had come into my room, taken my hairdryer again and not returned it
2. She’s taken one of the sofa scatter cushions for her bed - I didn’t know this until I went in to try and find the kitchen scissors when she was out. The kitchen scissors have turned up this evening after I asked, as they had fallen (?) into her handbag...

All of this is irritating but not a dealbreaker. Until this evening... as I got in from work she asked if she could ask me a ‘strange’ question. Sure, fire away. She very gingerly and awkwardly began to imply she’d invited a bloke over next weekend. I laughed and said ‘don’t worry!’ - it wouldn’t bother me at all. But then she came out with: ‘so would you mind if i paid for you to get a hotel for the weekend?’

I laughed awkwardly and muttered something about keeping out of their hair and that I’m a heavy sleeper so it wouldn’t be necessary, but I feel a) completely baffled and b) like I need to send her a carefully crafted message just making clear that this is my home and I found it odd. One friend’s theory is that she wants the bloke to believe it’s her own flat. Another thinks she’s got weird fetishes

I just think it’s really fucking cheeky and has kind of heightened all my irritation about the other things to the point I feel kind of uncomfortable and like I don’t want to be here! Any tips on what to say in my message would be appreciated - I want to give her a chance and I don’t want to be heavy handed, but I feel I need her to realise that it was a completely bonkers and disrespectful thing to suggest.

Come on, OP. She's got to go. Don't prolong it or she'll be there forever.

I don’t understand why you haven’t told her to leave already, after all the discussion last week and all the advice you were given. As said before, she won’t change so why put up with it?

If there's no contract, then I think you only have to give 'reasonable' notice, and I don't think there is any hard and fast rule about how long that is. You could tell her you want her gone by Friday, or by the end of the year.....

And socks left lying about in the sitting room! DD does similar and it gets my goat, and I'm not even remotely neat.

Life is too short for annoying housemates when you don’t need them op- you’ve already had a great flatmate before so you know it’s possible- this arrangement will never get better

She's treating your home like it's her parent's place, not on!

OP you seem lovely but come on. How is this worth it, how? You know zero about this lady, and she thinks nothing of walking all over you. GET RID.

Urgh she sounds terrible. The bin and dishes would be the final straw.

Socks on floor, dishes in sink... it sounds like she’s got the bizarre impression she’s at home. Honestly OP, you need more ground rules about common spaces if you want a lodger in your house. If you don’t want them to relax in your living room and kitchen and have rules, spell it out before you let the room again. Some people wouldn’t mind. You do.

The hotel bit is batshit. Other stuff is just that you’re different people. Tbh, you’re a bit batshit yourself for getting riled by those. Maybe she’s picked on that and that’s why she’s asked you to get out of the way. If you want a vegetarian kitchen, specify that. Plenty of potential veggie flat mates out there.

In either way, it’s noting to work out obviously. But give her plenty of time to find something else. It’s not just her, it’s partly you. And next time, make your boundaries clearer.

After a week there’s enough there to tell you it’s not going to work out. I would give her notice.

porridge with syrup
grapes

2 fishfingers, plain pasta (with butter), peas
grapes

chocolate

chicken, broccoli, pasta with pesto
raspberries

half a bottle of lager
coffee - 3 or 4 mugs

sorry wrong thread. don't know how that happened1

Sounds nice @moredoll 

I couldn't imagine leaving dishes for my housemate! I don't even leave dishes for my DH as it's rude.

Well exactly lexieLulu she has no respect for OP or her house. Nothing will change.
Have you told her to leave OP?

I’ve not, and I know I’m being a chicken.

This time of year (approaching Christmas) is tight for me financially, which I know isn’t a reason to keep her around, but equally I really need the cash. I’m sure I could fill the room quickly enough to not be without the income for too long, but it’s a worry.

The dirty dishes were STILL in the sink this morning, despite her saying she was “about to do them” when she got in last night.

Heigh ho. Happy Christmas OP, may it be all you wish yourself.

I'd be passive aggressive as hell "I was going to make a stew but my stew pan is still dirty" 😂

I think you are being unfair now OP.

If you want her to go you need to inform her of this. She may not have another home to go to and she needs to start looking.

It comes down to how important it is for you to be able to relax in your own home. I would want to leave stress behind at work, and not just have it replaced by more stress at home!

There might be minor irritations to some people, but if you're not 'gelling', best knocked on the head!

Have you had a conversation with her?

Oh come on OP. Stop being such a wuss. You'll find a new lodger quickly enough, but the longer you leave it the more of a slave you'll be to her, cleaning up first every time you want to cook, tidying up as soon as you get in 8bstead of dropping straight on to the sofa. Spending half your time looking for things or replacing things which she's borrowed and left in her room. At some point your hairdryer will get broken because she doesn't give a stuff about your things and won't be careful of them, and good luck getting her to replace them.

She sounds like a flat mate I had once. Broken hairdryer.
Broken hand blown wine glass (one of a pair, irreplaceable).
Broken heirloom given by my grandmother (irreplaceable).
The list goes on and on.
I lived with others and they weren't getting things borrowed and broken so they voted not to kick her out. I was on the point of moving out myself, but she went too far - she stopped paying her share of the bills. They kicked her out quickly enough then,

You don't have the option of moving out.

You need to decide whether you need the money.
But you need to sit her down and have a meeting about house rules. Make it formal or she won't take it seriously. Or do all the dishes until she leaves.

You’ll be clearing up after her then. You’ve asked her (which you shouldn’t have to) she’s still ignored you.

I predict it will get worse too. She should be on her best behaviour now, she has no respect for you or your property.

I couldn’t live like that. Christmas coming up or not. If you bite the bullet now you could have filled her room by Christmas.