Is your Mum your cheerleader?

[papayasareyum]

I’ve read lots of lovely happy posts recently on Mumsnet about Mothers. Friends post a photo of their Mum and say that she’s their biggest cheerleader, their biggest source of support, their rock. etc etc.
And it occurred to me that my Mum isn’t any of these things. She never tells me she’s proud of me, ever. She never tells me I’m doing a good job. And when things go bad (such as when one of my daughter’s had mental health issues) she implies that it’s my parenting or looks for the cause, or says “none of you lot had anything like that, I don’t know where this mental health stuff has come from” and doesn’t offer any support. I’ve had problems with low level anxiety and low self esteem most of my life, which I’ve just got on with and ignored pretty much. I wonder how much of this comes from my upbringing?
Does your Mum support you and if so, what does that support look like? Does she phone you, visit, tell you she cares etc? I feel that my Mums love comes with conditions, so I rarely confide in her for fear of judgment.

the photos are on Facebook by the way, not Mumsnet!

Whatever the opposite of cheerleader is - that's my mum!

sucks doesn’t it? And the older I get, the more I’m able to see the effect it’s had on me

No.
I think she would like to be but her own issues get in the way.
I have fantastic siblings though and a dad who isn't judgemental of any of us.

My mum really really was and I so hope to be that for my children. Mumsnet and all the seemingly broken aren't child relationships gives me the horrors. I would be heartbroken if my children felt anything even approaching that I wasn't on their side and didn't love them unconditionally.

Parent child not aren't

It does suck but I think it's reasonably common..

I'm kind of at peace with it - but then I've had a whole lot of therapy and I moved to another continent!

No! She & my father for that matter, seem to very similar in thier inability to display emotions.

They wouldnt be ones to shower me in hugs and kissss or say well done.

My Mum has many good points and others not so good (like most people)

She is generally supportive of me but not in a demonstrative way

I have a few FB friends who have mothers who gush over ever little thing they share on FB ("oh how wonderful darling" etc) which I find very odd to be honest and although I sometimes wish my Mum was more expressive I would cringe if she suddenly became my biggest cheerleader as its simply not the relationship we have

I try to be supportive of my DD and tell her I'm proud etc but I don't go over the top

My mums a big support to me . When I had my first baby she would call me every night and reassure me when I was crying down the phone . She looks after children whenever she can and I ask . She has come up last min to look after Sick children so I can work . She lives an hour and a half away but we see each other every couple of weeks .

Yes I could possibly deliver her a decapitated head and she'd hide it. Not that I ever have! She calls regularly, since dcs were born driven an 80mile round trip every week to see them. Dcs are 13 and 18, can honestly count on one hand the pairs of shoes I've ever got them as she always does that. Weekly she brings dc 13 pocket money and snacks, deodorants etc... Whatever she thinks they need. If I phoned her now, she would be here in 45min if I needed her.
When we went abroad in the summer, she let herself in whilst we were away and cleaned my house top to bottom, and left milk, bread, eggs and butter in my fridge for our return. She has artwork I have painted in her living room,which she will point out to anyone. I'm 36 and she still buys me random shit. Things turn up in the house all the time. She keeps on at me to spend the night at her house as so we can drink cocktails, and try out her new karaoke machine We are pretty close.

Yes, through the bad and good she has never given up on me. Honestly don’t know how she put up with me as I have been real horrible bitch in younger days.

My friend has shitty parents and I see how it has affected her anxiety, low confidence etc, she is an amazing parent herself and I always remind her, hate seeing her so down on herself. I don’t constantly talk about my mum but my mum is kinda person that would without question welcome my friend and treat her same as me.

Didn’t really appreciate her until I realised that people really do have shitty parents including my kids. Obviously not me :)

Due to cancer and other things long story, I have been without question her cheerleader.

When people thought she was dying they all worried how I was coping (made me sad as it was mum should been about) but it’s because that’s how close we are.

Nope, she's done very little/nothing for me as an adult. Not changed a nappy, certainly never bought anything mundane but helpful for the kids. I don't think she's ever made me a cup of tea...

And yes, lots of therapy later, I'm no longer bothered by it. But it had a huge impact on me.

In some ways she is but she's more practically supportive than emotionally, such as babysitting the kids or helping out financially or offering practical advice. She doesn't tell me how great I am etc but neither does she pull me down. She "likes" my posts on fb, or even tells me that she doesn't like something (e.g. one of my photos) but doesn't post anything gushing or sentimental. I like it that way. It'd be overbearing if she was constantly praising me and I'd hate it.

No. I believe we are sharing the same mum, op! I believe she loves me but does not like me at all as a person or mother.

I have learned how to be a better mother from her. I am my children’s biggest fan. They know I will support them in whatever ways I can. I tell them often what gifts they are to me and how much I love them.

I think my style of parenting has been successful as my children seek my advice and generally want to be around me.

My mum is fab. I speak to her every day, about everything. She’s always supportive and does a lot for us.
She’s also very opinionated, tells us what to do all the time and doesn’t like being crossed
I love her

Cheerleader isn't the word, she points out my flaws more than my achievements.

Regardless, she always has my back 100%

My dad bought us up and he’s exactly the same as your mum papayasareus.
His default setting is negative and in turn he makes me the same ... but not with my own children, I’ve try to make sure that I’m completely opposite in parenting style.
The frustrating bit is he’s a completely different father to my siblings.
I’m the oldest An it’s almost like I’m not allowed to crumble at any time , but equally not supported.
It’s infuriating

My mum shows she cares by buying things I need but can’t afford eg new beds for dc, new boiler (not all the time, every few years maybe). It’s definitely not unconditional though.
She’s never really praised me to my face or to others, I don’t remember her hugging me even as a child, or saying she loved me (if I say it to her she says something like “oh, right, ok.”) We aren’t particularly alike and have little in common, and while I’m sure she cares about me, I’m not convinced she particularly likes me let alone loves me! Definitely not my cheerleader or my rock!

Yes she is, I am an only child and my dad wasn't around so I had a wonderful bond with my mum. She is an amazing grandmother to DS and I live a 15 minute drive away from her. I see her at least every other weekend.

Nope, I'm the biggest disappointment in my mother's life. We haven't spoken in years.

Fuck, no. She has literally greeted me with "You need to lose weight, you're so fat"

My mum has dementia and is in a care home at the age of 63. She has become violent, abusive to staff and not the person I knew as my mum.

I wish she could at least remember me.