Is your Mum your cheerleader?

[papayasareyum]

I’ve read lots of lovely happy posts recently on Mumsnet about Mothers. Friends post a photo of their Mum and say that she’s their biggest cheerleader, their biggest source of support, their rock. etc etc.
And it occurred to me that my Mum isn’t any of these things. She never tells me she’s proud of me, ever. She never tells me I’m doing a good job. And when things go bad (such as when one of my daughter’s had mental health issues) she implies that it’s my parenting or looks for the cause, or says “none of you lot had anything like that, I don’t know where this mental health stuff has come from” and doesn’t offer any support. I’ve had problems with low level anxiety and low self esteem most of my life, which I’ve just got on with and ignored pretty much. I wonder how much of this comes from my upbringing?
Does your Mum support you and if so, what does that support look like? Does she phone you, visit, tell you she cares etc? I feel that my Mums love comes with conditions, so I rarely confide in her for fear of judgment.

My mum isn't really a 'mumsy' type. She finds it hard to express herself, has low self esteem and is very blunt in the things she says. Eg on my wedding day she told me I would look lovely if I was thin. These personality traits have been really upsetting in the past and previously I would have said no, my mum is not my cheerleader.

However, she does love me and I know she is proud of me. She phones me often, is interested in my life and makes me feel important and special. She babysits whenever I need it and offers other practical help too (my DC are really little and sometimes housework etc gets on top of us all!) She hugs me often and tells me she loves me. She usually gives me gifts on birthdays etc which allow us to spend time together (restaurant or cinema vouchers, tickets to shows etc). So although she isn't generally very demonstrative and she doesn't always say the right things, all in all I guess she is my cheerleader after all. Teenage me would be astounded.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! {wipes tears of laughter from eyes}. No. Definitely not. I know full well I am a massive disappointment to her in every aspect of my life. She probably thinks she is supportive though.

I have a similar relationship with my DM. She's never said anything good about me to me or from what I'm aware to anyone else . She's usually complaining we're not good enough and don't do enough for her. She's never told me she's loved me and I think she hugged me on my wedding day once and once when I left for Uni.

My dads not a hugger and doesn't say he loves me but he's verbally affectionate sometimes.

She loves my DS and takes care of him often. She is affectionate towards him in a way I can't remember in my own childhood.

She's always put me down and I've spent my whole life trying to please her.

Not everyone has those kind of mothers unfortunately .

Nope, I'm sure she cares for me in her own way but I've always been the black sheep of the family, the one who my older siblings laughed at. I've never been told she loved me, big on hugs but never actually telling me she cared. My proudest achievement of late was becoming a First Responder but when I told her she just laughed and said I always was an ambulance chaser. Then I let her know I need a serious back operation with quite a high risk of failure to which she told me how my brother has been too dizzy to drive lately. I know my place.

Nope.

My dad, on the other hand, is fab.

My mum is neither a cheerleader or Jeerleader.

She's supportive in practical ways and gives advice, but she isnt like what you describe about your friend's mum.

I know she care, she just shows it in another way.

I am my DD's biggest cheerleader. I will be for the rest of my life.

My mom is strange...she is there for me when I need her but she is hyper critical and overbearing as well. I wouldn't say she's my cheerleader but she's not as bad as some shit that I've read.

My mum is my cheerleader, but in quite an understated way. She tells people how amazingly well I'm doing, but rarely tells me. Both my parents love me (and both my siblings) to their very core and would do absolutely anything for any of us (including welcoming me home when I was pregnant, paying my sister's rent when she was struggling, providing childcare, letting my brother live at home rent free for years). They are well aware of our shortcomings.

It makes me sad now as they get older that our relationship is changing, I get messages asking for help and advice more often than offers of help. I don't like the fact that I'm now deemed to be the responsible adult (I suppose I am nearly 40 so should be!)

Neither of my parents were like that.

jeerleader

Wonderful word. It exactly describes my mother.

No. My mother doesn't even realise that I'm her daughter. It's not dementia or anything. The way she phrases things about my sisters it's very clear that she doesn't consider me to be one of her daughters.

My mom didn’t get out the Pompoms unless I needed them. Then she nurtured my self confidence and supported me back on my own two feet. That’s not being a cheerleader or a best friend - that’s being a mother and I strive to be as good a mother to my children as she has been to me.

These days, I find myself getting out the pom-poms for her, as she has become a full time carer for my dad and needs reminding what an incredible job she’s doing.

My mother never said even one supportive word or deed to me, ever.

She now has Alzheimer's and my sister tries to shame me in to helping, I do occasional things, but no shame here.

My mum is definitely the opposite, she thinks putting us down will make us work hard. None of her 7 children are confident people.

Nope, not at all. She cheerleads for all of her friend's good daughters instead.

Yes, my mum is my cheerleader. She genuinely thinks I’m amazing and that my DH is lucky to have me.

Not really.

My mum is quite likely a covert narcissist and our relationship centers around what I provide for her. She offers support when it will give her something but I can't rely on her emotionally and she can be abusive if things are not going her way.

I forgot to mention that not only is my Mum my cheerleader but my MIL is too. I've known for 30 odd years but she has only ever said nice things to me. She says I'm an amazing Mum and that her son is very lucky to have me. She always says that she never ever worries about him because he has me. She also says I'm pretty and slim all the time even though I'm nothing special.

She is very traditional and religious and from a country where religion and t tradition is very important but she has never said a single thing about me being an atheist and a bit non-conformist

She really is a star.

I feel very, Very lucky to have an amazing Mum and an amazing MIL and I'm really sorry for those of you that don't. I hope you have other strong and positive relationships with other people instead.

no, shes the biggest negative raincloud ever :). has never said a nice thing to me. critisises everything i do and tells me daily my children are going to get cancer/diabetes/die from eating processed foods (for the record they eat crisps as a treat and have a 90% healthy diet). however whenever ANYONE is around she boasts about my job, my children, how much i do for everyone etc. the sun shines out of my arse and "I dont know how she does it, modern little superwoman".....but its all for show.

My Dad is also my cheerleader.

I could have written your op it sounds like you are describing my Mum. I lost her in April and it's difficult to think of her failings as a parent while i acknowledging how much I love and miss her. I had counselling last year which helped me to see that she did the best job she knew how to do given the upbringing she had. I know she loved us but nagging and criticism was the only way she knew how to show love. I had to deal with it by putting a lot of boundaries in place and avoiding telling her things that might draw criticism. I also challenged some of the negativity but in a calm way (before I would snap at her and then feel like the bad guy)

No support when my kids were small . No real interest in my life ...ever.
And how that she is old and needy she expects me to be at her beck and call . I live abroad and when my daughters were young she sighed when I said we were coming to visit and now she constantly asks when am I coming 'home '

I'm with the camp who have mothers who don't like them. My mother and i have never really connected. I can't remember her ever hugging me or telling me she loved me growing up. As a teenager the relationship really fell apart, and it has never recovered. She looks for fault all the time and criticises everything in a sort of underhand way which is very demoralising. I have never been able to turn to her for support or help. She seems to enjoy any difficulties I have. It has made me very sad, but sometimes even parent and child just don't get on.

My Mum seems proud but only if its something she wanted you to do,or if somehow it makes her look good. She may also say she's proud but not act proud or slag my siblings and I off to each other. Like a lot of what she does its a bit of a headfuck !

Unfortunately my dm is like the ops and starry eyed. I think it’s really hard (1) to have a mother like that; (2) to not have a mother who supports you and (3) to change your own inner voice so that you can support yourself and not constantly criticise yourself.

to all the ladies with crappy mothers. Good parents are so important.