Is your Mum your cheerleader?

[papayasareyum]

I’ve read lots of lovely happy posts recently on Mumsnet about Mothers. Friends post a photo of their Mum and say that she’s their biggest cheerleader, their biggest source of support, their rock. etc etc.
And it occurred to me that my Mum isn’t any of these things. She never tells me she’s proud of me, ever. She never tells me I’m doing a good job. And when things go bad (such as when one of my daughter’s had mental health issues) she implies that it’s my parenting or looks for the cause, or says “none of you lot had anything like that, I don’t know where this mental health stuff has come from” and doesn’t offer any support. I’ve had problems with low level anxiety and low self esteem most of my life, which I’ve just got on with and ignored pretty much. I wonder how much of this comes from my upbringing?
Does your Mum support you and if so, what does that support look like? Does she phone you, visit, tell you she cares etc? I feel that my Mums love comes with conditions, so I rarely confide in her for fear of judgment.

My mother is like Eyore. It's very draining.

My mum is kind, generous, supportive...and...blunt. You want an honest opinion go to mum, she will tell you if you're looking a bit tired (or haggard as she did once to my sister who was ) If the outfit DOES make your bum look big, she'll tell you. Or when how does this look is met with a raised eyebrow you know it's shite.

She does praise achievements and is a loving mother definitely. It's just the absolute lack of tact which we all take the piss out of, and she accepts it to be fair

No not in the slightest. She’s always expected a man to provide a good standard of living to her. She did the absolute bare minimum when I was growing up- I was fed, clothed, housed and sent to school but there was no activities, no encouragement, no trips out. She visibly zones out if I talk about work and or exam preparation. If I’m stuck or struggling she distances herself (whilst telling everyone the children are always being dumped on her), if we do something with the children that she didn’t do with me she takes it as a personal slight/snobbery and passive aggression from us. She can’t bare the thought of her children doing better in life than she has, she can’t bare the fact that we try to open different doors for our children, can’t bare the fact that I don’t stay at home with the children and rely on someone else for money. It’s tough. I love her and she loves us and we are close in one sense. But I think we are only close in that sense as I’ve let go of wanting her to be my cheerleader in life and now I don’t expect that out of her, I don’t get upset when I don’t receive it. One thing for sure tough- I’ll have my pom poms flapping about for my children until the day I die

'to change your own inner voice so that you can support yourself and not constantly criticise yourself. '

Yes yes yes to this. Years of therapy helped enormously. It can be done but it's hard, painful work

No, she has always told me everything I've chosen to do is wrong, from the small things (like buying a new piece of furniture or getting a haicut) to the big things (career choice, having cats, the house I bought). When I was a child she made all the choices for me and pretty much answered all questions on my behalf if someone else asked me anything.

It took moving to another country and having lots of therapy to stop caring about what she says - but I still mourn the loss of the relationship we didn't have, when I see how some of my friends are close to their mothers.

She was awful when I was a kid. Nicer now, but it's a day late and a dollar short, tbh.

My mum is supportive to me in a practical sense. I know she loves me and she will always be there to help me but in a cheerleading sense she is not at all supportive. My whole life she has always implied that I’m not clever enough or special enough to be able to do things. After uni I was considering my options and mentioned a few career choices or things I could try and they were all met with a ‘that’s very competitive do you think you’d have a chance at that’ sort of responses. I’ve always had quite low self esteem and I do think constantly being told I’m not good enough has contributed significantly to that. All in all she’s not a bad mum and she does love me a lot, she’s just not supportive of me in that way. I have learnt from this and I want to be a lot more encouraging and supportive of my sons and make sure they grow up with better self confidence than I did.

No....Her mum isn't hers either though, and she doesn't know how to be any different.