Is your Mum your cheerleader?

[papayasareyum]

I’ve read lots of lovely happy posts recently on Mumsnet about Mothers. Friends post a photo of their Mum and say that she’s their biggest cheerleader, their biggest source of support, their rock. etc etc.
And it occurred to me that my Mum isn’t any of these things. She never tells me she’s proud of me, ever. She never tells me I’m doing a good job. And when things go bad (such as when one of my daughter’s had mental health issues) she implies that it’s my parenting or looks for the cause, or says “none of you lot had anything like that, I don’t know where this mental health stuff has come from” and doesn’t offer any support. I’ve had problems with low level anxiety and low self esteem most of my life, which I’ve just got on with and ignored pretty much. I wonder how much of this comes from my upbringing?
Does your Mum support you and if so, what does that support look like? Does she phone you, visit, tell you she cares etc? I feel that my Mums love comes with conditions, so I rarely confide in her for fear of judgment.

My Mum is still my cheerleader and I’m in my 50’s. She is an amazingly lovely person who only ever wants everyone to be happy. There isn’t a mean bone in her body. She tells me I’m clever, funny, pretty and a million other things all the time. She couldn’t be any nicer. She was a bit useless as a parent in practical terms but I don’t think that’s what matters. She has never tried to control what I did and I can’t think she has ever criticised me. I am pretty fantastic but even so 😂😂😂

My kids are adults now and I think they think I’m ok too.

papayasareyum- our mum's sound so similar. Rather than being supportive with my teenage daughter's mental health issues, she has made it worse. We hardly ever talk, but after her comments last week (and throughout the whole of my life) I have decided enough is enough and I will no longer speak to her. To be honest I don't think she will care. Some women are just not maternal and I am determined to not be the same towards my daughter.

My mum is. She's been my support forever and I know how lucky I am. Good job really as I have an appalling and unsupportive dad. She's done the job of both parents for a long time and she is fantastic and supportive to me and my siblings. I hope I can be just as good a parent to my two DC

No, she wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire tbh.

No. I don't think my mum is even her own cheerleader.

Myself and my sister's struggle with her a lot. We have to fight very hard to make sure we don't turn into her. I hope with every thing I have that my kids love me and won't dread me calling them as adults.

My mum is top notch. I hope I can be even half as good a mum to my kids as she has been to me.

No I’ve never felt supported by my mum. I feel insanely jealous of some people who have another best friend in their mum (and I’m not really a jealous person). I haven’t spoken to her at all in the last few months and I actually feel better for it. She’s not a nice person. She puts on a good front to everyone else but she usually criticises me (especially my parenting which really stings) she’s always been one for getting people to feel sorry for her and is quite the hypochondriac (even faking illnesses which we have caught her out doing before). She has now accused a family member of abuse as a child and I’m not quite sure I believe her (obv haven’t let her know that I don’t believe her though) as she has told so many lies in the past and there are some huge holes in what she’s said. I actually don’t know why my dad sticks by her tbh as she’s told awful lies about him too but he’s the nicest guy in the world. I actually have no good childhood memories of her either. It’s not nice tbh. I don’t know why some people bother having children if they aren’t going to nurture them properly

Yes! My whole life has been filled with her praise, support and love. She thinks I’m the bees knees(I’m not) she over-eggs my looks, intelligence, career and abilities as a mother to no end. She’s exactly the same with my kids now, but is unfortunately dying of cancer. X

Good Lord no....both my DP have an unerring skill for finding the negative about me in the most amazing situations

On occasion it almost used to impress me with it's creativity

But it's ok I'm extremely lc with them and my DP, DC and dp's mum are my cheerleaders as I am there's so it's all good

My mum is definitely on my side but her somewhat puritan upbringing means that she finds it hard to articulate this.

Unfortunately not.
Mil and DH are though. Thank god I met him and his family.

no, the last time I saw her I told her I was really stressed and she said "oh you thrive on stress".

She is envious of any success and very critical of anything else. I stopped having any contact with her. Realised that you only have to have positive people in your life, not emotional vampires.

Sorry to hear you're in the same position OP.

I think friends are invaluable.

Not at all.

She doesn't really like me very much and has been known to go for years at a time without talking to me, despite living locally.

I learned a long time ago not to tell her anything. Good news was always sneered at. Bad news was twisted and turned into gossip.

to all those of you who are going through difficult times.

I have been reflecting on this my DH is a super cheerleader for dc, I have worried about being too over the top. I have always tried to be more positive than my dm, but that is a low bar. Reading this thread I am thinking that you can't be too positive. I am going to up my cheerleading game.

No not really, my relationship with my mum is a bit strange, I can't really talk to her. She doesn't back me up or stick up for me and never has (I think that is more of a case of her worrying about other people's reactions and upsetting other people though, for example my stepdad hardly spoke to me in case it upset his family (long story) my mum didn't say anything, turned out she didn't want to lose the house they were living in if they split up) . However she absolutely loves my children, she's brilliant with them and will do anything for them and they love her (my stepdad is also brilliant with my children and I like him for that). I do like her, I'm just not close to her and I can't be myself around her I go all tense.

Nope.
I wrote two weeks ago I am about to have Open Heart Surgery. I havent heard a dicky bird from her. She doesnt care about me at all.

Plus she took my childhood abusers side. She remarried six years ago. She doesnt care full stop.

My mum is next to useless. She used to be able to help practically with minimal input although that's dwindled over the years. I thought that it was through her long term alcoholism, but being pregnant and feeling such love for a child I've not even met yet makes me realise that the problems started far before the alcoholism. I've never felt loved, supported or encouraged by her. My physical needs were met as a child but there's never been any emotional input.

Fortunately I seem to be pretty resilient and have made my own support network over the years in the form of close friends (both my age and a couple of older friends who have almost taken on a surrogate mother role), my husband and his family (have a wonderful MiL who is always there for us). Despite this, I'm my own cheerleader. If I want to achieve something I will support and encourage myself to do it.

'I feel that my Mums love comes with conditions, so I rarely confide in her for fear of judgment'

Same here OP. It's really sad and desperately painful, and not something you want to have to deal with. I've had years of therapy and only see my parents about once a year, and I'm mostly accepting of the situation these days, but it's still shit

Cheerleader! Pah hahahahahahhhhaaaaaaa

Nah. She would be the complete opposite. Wrotten to the core. And I'm not being harsh. She really is but her mother was even worse. Thankfully my Dad raised me.

My late Dad on the other hand was a

Cheerleader and great support.

Oops posted before finishing lol

Holy hell no, she hates me. She didn't want a girl and she made that quite clear through my life

Yes, she was. She was 100% on our side, all the time. She told us that she loved us and how proud she was of us all the time - for big things and for little things, like having a good work ethic or when I had DD1. She gave us all sorts of help and I never felt alone as I had her as a safety net. We were very, very close and I genuinely think that if I'm half the parent she was I'll be doing a brilliant job.

She died almost 4 years ago and I miss her every day.

No - she's a nightmare and everything is all about her. I have asked her for support and advice a few times but never got it - she is so self absorbed it's unreal. An example = I started to panic about doing my finals and wanting to defer and needed to talk to someone, to help talk me down - her answer to me - that's all I need!

I keep hoping she'll change but she doesn't and now she is very old and needs help and support I don't want to give it and I feel shit for feeling this way.

Best thing is that she is my inspiration on how not to parent!

She helps me out but definitely isn’t my cheerleader.