Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is your Mum your cheerleader?

108 replies

papayasareyum · 12/10/2018 17:11

I’ve read lots of lovely happy posts recently on Mumsnet about Mothers. Friends post a photo of their Mum and say that she’s their biggest cheerleader, their biggest source of support, their rock. etc etc.
And it occurred to me that my Mum isn’t any of these things. She never tells me she’s proud of me, ever. She never tells me I’m doing a good job. And when things go bad (such as when one of my daughter’s had mental health issues) she implies that it’s my parenting or looks for the cause, or says “none of you lot had anything like that, I don’t know where this mental health stuff has come from” and doesn’t offer any support. I’ve had problems with low level anxiety and low self esteem most of my life, which I’ve just got on with and ignored pretty much. I wonder how much of this comes from my upbringing?
Does your Mum support you and if so, what does that support look like? Does she phone you, visit, tell you she cares etc? I feel that my Mums love comes with conditions, so I rarely confide in her for fear of judgment. Sad

OP posts:
CakeNinja · 12/10/2018 19:51

No.
But it’s okay, I never believed a mother had to worship the ground their children walked on and had realistic (low!) expectations of her since I can remember.
Along with my father.
I have a fine relationship with them both now and know I could call them if I needed something and that they would try to help in the best way they could. But I’m quite happy with the fact I can be an adult without daily phone calls to my mum and dad for support, I’ve made my own way.
We have got on better since I had dc and although they aren’t particularly involved in our lives, they are nice people and the dc like them. My dad lives abroad but comes over a couple of times a year to say hello,
mum lives round the corner and phones me for favours way more than I ever call her to see how she is.
No therapy needed for me, they made their decisions, I make mine.

CakeNinja · 12/10/2018 19:52

Top, she’s so young Sad
Sorry she’s no longer the woman you remember Flowers

Girlsnightin · 12/10/2018 20:11

Mine was. Not in a gushing 'best daughter in the world' way but in a 'you can do anything you set your mind to' way.
She's supported my financially and physically. She helped me daily while I struggled after my first child. You couldn't have found a better mother. I hope to do the same for mine.

IKeepFlouncing · 12/10/2018 20:41

Top Flowers

dayswithaY · 12/10/2018 20:50

I have no memories of doing anything with her - baking, drawing, reading - nothing. I can only picture her at the sink staring ahead and ignoring me. If anything ever happened it was automatically my fault. and

I didn't know I was pretty til I was 20 and all the wrong type of people told me I was. She has never hugged or kissed my children. She left my child crying on a swing because she didn't want to push her anymore. When I was 5 she left me in the back of the car alone covered in cuts and nettle rash for hours so she could continue her country walk with her boyfriend. We have never said "I love you". In truth I don't think she even likes me and I am too afraid of her answer to ask her why.

She will never be my cheerleader as that would mean boosting my confidence and I must be kept in my place. Her own mother was amazing and loving and generous. I have given everything I've got to be the best mum i can to my children as I want better for them. I am their cheerleader and will always be because they are all awesome and brilliant and they know this. I will always be sad about my Mum.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 12/10/2018 21:24

I'm sorry for bringing the thread down. Please though bare in mind that anything can happen at any time.

CakeNinja · 12/10/2018 21:33

Top, I don’t think you have at all.
My grandad (on the maternal side) at the grand age of 85 is going through the middle stage of dementia.
We are close and it’s painful but he’s 85 and still mostly recognises us, is coherent and lives alone for now. My sister and I visit him 6 times a week between us, he lives an hour away.
We worry about him an awful lot but because he still just about manages day to day, all we can do is check in on him and hang out with him.
But he’s (on the whole), the same person he’s always been and very good company.
I’m not prepared for the years ahead and still take each day one by one.
Flowers for you x

Cleanermaidcook · 12/10/2018 21:33

No, she really disliked me. We were nc for 20 years before she died.
But it's ok I made my peace with that, she wasn't cut out to be a parent, my dad died when I was small and she was stuck with a child she never wanted.

However I am my children's cheerleader, they're the best and I tell them daily.

LanaorAna2 · 12/10/2018 21:37

No.

When I was made redundant ages ago - she suggested I become a prostitute 'if anyone would pay for you, that is.'

DeusEx · 12/10/2018 21:39

Nope. She’s an emotionally abusive psychopath.

DeusEx · 12/10/2018 21:39

:(

Dandybelle · 12/10/2018 21:39

@SongforSal your post made me a bit teary. (I'm very emotional today!) but that's my mum too. Would do absolutely anything for me without even thinking about it. She's my best friend.

Chewbecca · 12/10/2018 21:49

No. I don't think that style of parenting was common in the 70s though I did have some friends who had 'cheerleader' mums.

I do very much enjoy my mum's company though and I am confident that if I was in dire straits, she would try to help. Whilst pointing out the situation was my own fault and a result of my own poor decisions, no doubt.

I do try to be cheerleader for DC, I want them to know I think they are the best even if no one else does & even if they aren't Grin

Bluelonerose · 12/10/2018 21:56

No not at all she just wanted to control me to me the way she wanted.
Everything I did was wrong or criticised.
She's never told me she's proud of me or she loves me. I've never even had a well done. Shed say "well if youde of done x and y instead it would of been better"

I constantly tell my dc I love them and I'm proud of them coz I want them to know it coz I know how it feels not to know that.
It hurts

itsboiledeggsagain · 12/10/2018 22:00

This is quite a pleasing thread because it tells me this is totally normal. At least for me and others roughly my age.

I do wish my mother was more interested Iin my life and kids and supportive but I am trying to accept what I have and not over think it

stroan · 12/10/2018 22:10

She is now. Not so much during my teenage years. I suspect she suffered badly from PND after my siblings were born and was pretty miserable for years.

Her own self esteem and confidence is so low but she has such confidence in me. She refuses to even consider that anything negative could happen and when I was job hunting this year, she was a very effective cheerleader.

I think it took me becoming a Mum to fully understand her and for her to “get” me.

Ohyesiam · 12/10/2018 22:12

No. But she thinks she is, and she does her best.

BettyOBarley · 12/10/2018 22:14

My mum is in an emotional sense, she has always been my biggest fan and cheerleader in life and told me how much she loves me etc. I always felt very loved growing up and still do but since having children I feel sad and surprised that she doesn't have the bond with my DC that I thought she would and is quite hands off with them, never thinks to pop round for a cuppa or offer to babysit or take the kids out to the park. Once in 5 years my parents have taken the kids out on a day trip and they made me feel like they were doing me a favour. Makes me sad as they live close by and they know I struggle as DH works nights a lot but they never offer help, not even a single school run... which is fine, but just surprising really.

bastardkitty · 12/10/2018 22:30

No. She never liked me. I am no contact - it's much easier. I am my children's cheerleader though and it brings me a lot of happiness.

Nettled · 12/10/2018 22:34

No. It would look like ‘’showing off”, and “thinking we were better than other people”. She really dislikes confidence, particularly female self-confidence, and she’s always preferred me when I’m feeling low.

FrayedHem · 12/10/2018 22:34

My mum would phone a lot, very interested in her GC, but was never one to say she cared. I remember he saying "I love you" to DS3 and she seemed shocked to be experiencing that emotion. She had some complex problems that she never really addressed and spent a lot of time spewing anger at the people and world around her.

She made herself miserable trying (and failing) to please her mum, and very much felt I should do the same for her, despite her not even particularly liking me very much for a lot of the time! I'd get cut off for all kinds of bizarre reasons. She did finally do the same to my brother, who'd always been her favourite. He settled down and I think my mum got jealous, despite claiming that she'd always wanted him to find a partner.

They never did reconcile and it was just really sad when she died and I realised how small she'd made her world, by holding petty grudges against people who had actually done a lot for her. She really couldn't handle that - she'd find a way that the person who'd helped her was at fault somehow. But yet she'd be expecting help in the first place? A very difficult way to live.

hamburgers · 12/10/2018 22:38

No.

Although I'm sure if you asked her she would say absolutely yes of course she is.

JaneJeffer · 12/10/2018 22:44

No. Everything I do gets criticised.

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/10/2018 22:57

Another No...

She never praised anything I did, just offered criticism.

She much prefers my older brother and his dc. She has looked at stuff my dc has done, showing massive progress - she said nothing, put the work down and commented on how she still has school work my brother's son did.

I don't bother much with her to be honest, and I won't miss her when she's gone, I don't think.

I am trying to be more of a cheerleader parent to my dc. I've found there's always something positive to be said, so I don't how my mum finds it so hard. And of course, she would deny any of the above. She is not a warm, smother-you-in-love kind of person. I wish she had been, I would be a different person today if I had had the security of feeling valued and worthwhile. All I can do now is ensure my dc never feels worthless or rejected like I did.

SongforSal · 13/10/2018 09:52

Ha, sorry for making you a bit teary dandy Funnily enough she popped round yesterday. Random chocolate and crisps have turned up and dishcloths! Both Dp and I work FT, so there's no financial reason she does this. Just being a mum. That said, my DD has just started uni and I have been doing exactly the same with her.